To refuse to go to inlaws for xmas again?

[pink4ever]

So am I bu?
We have lived in our current home for the last 9 years and have never once spent xmas day here. When we moved in pre dcs dh instisted he wanted to spend xmas with his parents as he didnt want them to spend xmas alone. I would have preferred to have xmas as a couple but agreed to this on the proviso I went to my mums.

Fast forward a few years-we have dcs and I again suggest we stay at home for xmas. Dh uses same line of not wanting parents to be lonely so we agree to do one year his mums/one year my mums.

Fast forward another couple of years-I have a falling out with my mum. We no longer spend xmas there. Dh thinks this means the default position is we gp to his parents. This is what we have done for the past 3 xmas.

I hate it. We have no time to enjoy xmas. After dcs get up,open presents and we tidy up,it is time to leave. Kids dont get time to play with their new stuff. We have to spend the night as pil live about 15 miles away,I dont drive and dh refuses to not have an xmas drink

Mil is a terrible cook(no I dont offer to help-we are their guests and I dont want to be there) and a boring and maudlin drunk.

This year I am determined that I will spend xmas in my own home. Have told dh this but he thinks I am bluffing.

Btw-pil would not be alone every xmas-bil/sil also do the alternate year thing. Also they have recently bought a new home and I predict that they will say they want to stay at home-leaving us to pick up the slack.

Am I bu?

[Katisha]

Learning to drive would give you a bit more power in your own life would it not?

[TheOriginalFAB]

I had had enough of always going to the inlaws and told DH that I wanted it to be just us at home but then felt guilty that they wouldn't see the kids but now we have the day alone at home and then go there for Boxing day and BIL and his partner go too.

[GypsyMoth]

Is this the same op as the car lending saga?

[CBear6]

YANBU, it's your Christmas too and your DCs.

Pre-DS we used to alternate Between DH's family and mine. I used to dislike going to DH's family because step-FILs DP would be banished to her mum's while SFIL and MIL played happy families. MILs current DP was always allowed to join the "family" but SFILs wasn't and MIL would spend the whole lunch making snide comments about her which really riled me. The food was nice but one relative with visibly dirty hands would use said hands to scoop food from the serving bowls so I never wanted to eat any of it. The last year we went there a big deal was made by MIL about SIL being pregnant and me not being pregnant (even though I was, we just hadn't told her yet) following a mc earlier in the year, she then asked me "wouldn't your baby have been due around now?" before commencing to slag of SFILs DP. I told her "it's not nice to speak that way about people who aren't here to defend themselves" and left.

The following year we had 3mo DS so I told DH we were staying home and I was making dinner. I was tired of leaving home at 9/10am Christmas morning and not getting back until 9/10pm. For the last two years we've had the morning to ourselves, FIL and his brother for lunch, then in the afternoon we go to my parents for an hour or two (they're just around the corner), and we see everyone else on Boxing Day when they can either come to us or we can go to them. It's far less stressful, I get to have dinner my way with no mucky hands in the bowls, and I don't have to trail round everyones houses. The only thing this year is that I'll be putting my foot down with people getting in my way in the kitchen (they mean well but it pees me off, especially when they start trying to wash dishes, etc while I'm still cooking and need to drain potatoes, etc into the sink!) and I'll be asking DH to tell FIL that "come at 11" means come at 11 not 9-fecking-30. We'll have a 3mo baby again this Christmas too so it's doubly important for me to want to stay home.

Is there no room for compromise? Maybe insist you stay home but invite them to your house instead? Or maybe make arrangements to spend Boxing Day with them. Either way I'd be putting my foot down and saying I'm not going if it makes you so unhappy.

[superjobee]

your husband sounds a prick and you've been a doormat :( in no way shape or sense would i let DP talk me into going to my PILs for xmas. he is being a big fat baby and needs a good hard kick up the arse

[pink4ever]

To the posters who are saying how would I feel if my dcs dont want to spend xmas with me when they are adults? I would hope to understand that their spouses and children come first and not try and put them on a huge emotional guilt trip so they feel obliged to come to mine and then resent it.

Let me point out-yet again-that I have spent 5 of the last 9 years with the inlaws at xmas and go there every fecking sunday so I am hardly the daughter in law from hell.

Re the helping at sunday dinner-I ask my dh to out his plate in dish washer and he just laughs. He was raised by mil

[fedupofnamechanging]

Sara, yes it is the same OP.

You are even more NBU, now I've realised just who your IL's are.

You need to sort out your dh. He sounds bloody wet letting his parents treat him like shit and still bending over backwards to accommodate them.

I think the strength of character and will to defend your family unit will have to come from you Pink. You have decided what you want, now stick to it.

[FabbyChic]

I wouldn't go tell your husband that if he wants to go he can but you won't be going.

Seriously why go somewhere where you don't want to be.

About time you got a backbone and put your foot down.

[FabbyChic]

I would not go every sunday either.

[pink4ever]

Thanks. I am actually beginning to grow a back bone in a large part due to mn! I will be sticking to my guns-if dh chooses to put his parents needs before myself and our dcs then so be it. Sorry should also probably have mentioned that dh also demands to go so that he can spend time with his brother. Nevermind that I never get to spend xmas with my sisters
worra-it is not one day of the year-I go there every sunday ffs. EVERY SUNDAY(sorry I no caps are rude but poster seems to be ignoring this piece of info)

[fedupofnamechanging]

I'd put a stop to the Sunday visits too.

[worldgonecrazy]

YANBU but neither is your DH BU. My DD only got to spend one Christmas with her eldest Grandmother, my MiL, she died in April, but at least she had one lovely Christmas Day (at my parent's). I would not have denied her or DD that for anything. Can you not meet half way and maybe have Christmas Dinner out somewhere?

The sadness of this year made me realise that sometimes there won't be a 'next Christmas' to argue over.

[worraliberty]

I didn't ignore that piece of info??

I was talking about Christmas as that is the subject of the thread is it not?

[fedupofnamechanging]

MN is good like that Pink .

Whenever you feel a wobble coming on, remember this thread or come back and we will tell you that your dh is being a selfish arse and you are entitled to have some of the things that you want.

[MrsRobertDuvall]

You see this is why I struggle with Christmas
Why is it seen as the bee all and end all of celebrations, the main thing in people's year?
All the arguing, argy-Bargy and misery that it causes for so many people.
I would not go anywhere on Xmas Day. We are lucky that inlaws would never come to us. But we would visit on Boxing Day - no problem.

[SiamoFottuti]

Well you sound about as good a guest as she sounds a host. And a big whiny-ass too.

Christmas is about family, and since you have fallen out with yours, are you know trying to do the same with your husbands?

[pink4ever]

karma-I have been having this conversation with dh ALOT recently re the sunday dinner. His position is that he works long hours and it is the only time he gets to spend with them-not going tomorrow though as he has free footie tickets so that obviously only applies when it suits him.

Also when I point out it is also the only time we have to spend as a family(dcs have activities on a sat) its just goes in one ear and out the other. Plus it is not the only time I see inlaws-I meet them for coffee or they come round to ours every week.

I am sticking to my guns this time

[fedupofnamechanging]

But world, so far the OP's dc have spent every Christmas with their GP's.

By your logic, the worst could happen to us at any time and as things stand the Op won't have spent one Christmas doing what she actually wants.

Besides, the OP's IL's are horrible (info from other thread - sorry) and her dh is spineless when it comes to putting his wife first.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

Neither of you are being unreasonable. Your DH wants to spend xmas with his parents, hopefully your children will want to include you at xmas when they reach adults as they will see this as the done thing. I doubt its anything to do with him being "wet" as you stated recently he was going to lay down the law with the school and PTA and could reduce them to tears over a "missing" blazer.

Given your inlaws take the children out in the summer hols to give you a break (even though its not to the expensive places you'd like) and you are counting on their inheritance, it does seem a little selfish to exclude them at xmas. You could offer they come to yours and pay for the taxi (DH is a solicitor so i'm sure he can stretch to this).

[LikeACandleButNotQuite]

When I was born, my DParents made a decision that the would never leave the house on Christmas Day while I was a child. This was so that I andmy DSis could enjoy all of our toys and they were not going to give us gifts only to say "here you go, have these, but you can't play with them now". It lasted til my 15th BDay, when we had a holiay instead.

DPs did, however, invite all and sundry to them. And I mean literaly ANYone was welcome, god forbid they eat alone on christmas. So, we always had a busy house.

Why not insist on christmas at home based on the fact that you do not want to separate your kids from their new toys? You did, afterall work hard to pay for them and should enjoy watching the kids spend the day playing with them.

Stand firm. Christmas is, afterall, a child-centered holiday, surey their happiness should be of paramount importance to your DH?

[MumblingRagDoll]

She doesn't have to go....OP if he thinks you're bluffing then inform him you will be telling the PILS that you're planning on staying at hoe this year..but maybe they could come to yours for Boxing Day? Just do it...dont take any shit.

[pink4ever]

siamo- a whiny ass? yes definately. I whined when they came round on the day I got out of hosp after c-section and had to wait on them hand on foot-twice.
Yes xmas is about family-MY family which is dh,myself and the dcs. No I dont want dh to fall out with them-tell them a few home truths maybe but thats never going to happen.

[WinkyWinkola]

Aaaargh. Am I the only one who instantly groans when I hear the, "Oh but your mum/mil/uncle/guinea piG might be dead next year and this could be the very last chance you have to spend Christmas with them."

And? The op could be dead next year too and her dcs will have NEVER spent Christmas with just their mum and dad. Sob. it's just such bullshit emotional blackmail that enables unreasonable and demanding behaviour.

I repeat Boxing Day is for wider family. Stay at home with your dcs, op and don't feel guilty over it. Your dh is a wet blanket and let him go to his parents if he wants.

[Merrylegs]

"my dh sits on his fat arse and does nothing and its his mother!"

Methinks this isn't just about Christmas.......