To refuse to go to inlaws for xmas again?

[pink4ever]

So am I bu?
We have lived in our current home for the last 9 years and have never once spent xmas day here. When we moved in pre dcs dh instisted he wanted to spend xmas with his parents as he didnt want them to spend xmas alone. I would have preferred to have xmas as a couple but agreed to this on the proviso I went to my mums.

Fast forward a few years-we have dcs and I again suggest we stay at home for xmas. Dh uses same line of not wanting parents to be lonely so we agree to do one year his mums/one year my mums.

Fast forward another couple of years-I have a falling out with my mum. We no longer spend xmas there. Dh thinks this means the default position is we gp to his parents. This is what we have done for the past 3 xmas.

I hate it. We have no time to enjoy xmas. After dcs get up,open presents and we tidy up,it is time to leave. Kids dont get time to play with their new stuff. We have to spend the night as pil live about 15 miles away,I dont drive and dh refuses to not have an xmas drink

Mil is a terrible cook(no I dont offer to help-we are their guests and I dont want to be there) and a boring and maudlin drunk.

This year I am determined that I will spend xmas in my own home. Have told dh this but he thinks I am bluffing.

Btw-pil would not be alone every xmas-bil/sil also do the alternate year thing. Also they have recently bought a new home and I predict that they will say they want to stay at home-leaving us to pick up the slack.

Am I bu?

[AfternoonDelight]

I don't get what's so U about the OP wanting to spend one Christmas at home with her DC and her husband.

Especially given that her BIL and SIL are due to go to her PIL this Christmas anyway so it's not like they're "on their own".

Plus she's said she doesn't mind if they want to come to hers.

[nightowlmostly]

The OP isn't being anti-family if she is prepared to invite the PILs to her home on Xmas day surely? She isn't saying she doesn't want to see them at all, but tbh by the sounds of things she would be well within her rights! Those of you saying you'd love a family Xmas, that's all very well if you get on with your family, if they are unpleasant people then why would you choose to spend any time with them? Just because people are related to you doesn't make them nice, good individuals.

OP, stick to your guns and tell your DH where to go!

[ssd]

op, do you enjoy being a martyr?

you have no money/you aren't allowed to drink as you are looking after the kids/you hate your il's but see them every sunday and have them for coffee?

you dh does indeed sound like an arse, but you sounds like a martyr who enjoys the sympathy that comes from being married to an arsehole

[pink4ever]

I am trying really hard to convince myself that I need to stand firm on this but now people are saying I am selfish and I start to feel guilty again.Aargh!

[pictish]

OP if I were you I'd leave this thread where it lies now.People are determined that you are in the wrong when you are quite categorically NOT.

You are not being unreasonable, and that's the end of it.

Don't read any more of the rubbish being spouted on this thread.

[pink4ever]

ssd-a martyr? you actually make a very good point and I have been asking myself that a lot recently. Tbh for many years I didnt realise how bad things were. I only had single friends so didnt have other couples to compare mine and dh life/relationship too.

[DutchGirly]

The issue is that Pink is stuck at his parent's house for the entire day AND night as 'dear' hubbie refuses not to drink so he would be able to drive home the 16 miles. Mind you, he did drink drive with his wife and kids in the car on several occasions, to which Pink put a stop (he really should know better, especially if he is a solicitor) If DH would not be so utterly selfish (and not drinking is not a major hardship especially if Pink spends every Sunday at PIL house at his request) at least she would spend Boxing Day in her own home.

I don't even celebrate Christmas, but I can really understand that she wants for ONCE spend Christmas at her own home on her own terms with her kids, I don't think that is selfish.

[nickschick]

I thought I read that OPs home was too small to accomodate people for christmas? theyd end up eating lunch on their knee.

I didnt get on with my MIL and had to live with that knowing that if it became 'choice' dh saw his extended family as the option,now my dc are older I can see they would resent me if id have stopped it.

Its not easy have fil here every year,hes getting older he gets less tolerant but its christmas!!! by the way my FIL visits me/us 4-5 times a week.

[pink4ever]

I am going to bed now but I want to thank every person who has posted on this thread. It has been very helpful and has given me a lot to think about.Thanks again.

[ssd]

yes you sound like a martyr to me

I don't think the issue here is that you don't want to go to your IL's for Xmas (and who would they sound hellish), but that you like the sympathy and all the YANBU's coming your way from posters who are helping your revel in your martyrdom

its up to you, let your dh and your IL's treat you bad and enjoy all the sympathy you get from people who read about your plight or get shot of him and try to make a life with your kids

[snippywoo2]

Op, sounds more to me like he cant spend Xmas without them, not the other way around.
What does he think they did at Xmas before they had him?

Hubby needs to cut the apron strings, still going round for dinner every Sunday and spending Xmas day with them when he has a family of his own!!

Tell him to get real and grow up he has his own family.
It's time to move away from mummy and daddy and start making a life around you and the kids.
Sunday dinners and Xmas at home are the things I remember most from my childhood and your kid's deserve those memories to.

[DorisIsAPinkDragon]

You are in no way selfish I think that you have done this for the last 18 years (bar 3 ) anyone can see that (well anyone with even half a brain).

This should be the time when you and dh get to create christmas for your family you have small children who should not HAVE to be shipped off to the inlaws EVERY year. It is NOT their (the ils) choice what you do. Your DH is a spineless twat who is quite happy keeping you where you are (a situation where you feel you have to cater to them even after a c section! ). But I think you're begining to see that anyway.

Pink tell him staright be strong and be firm tell the il's YOURSELF the sooner the better practise the broken record technique "we will be at our house for christmas this year, you are welcome to join us on boxing day"," yes I understand, but we will be at our house for christmas this year, as I said you are welcome to join us for boxing day". Your DH IS GOING TO DO NOTHING TO CHANGE THINGS he doesn't want too he's quite happy regressing so YOU WILL HAVE TO DO IT FOR YOURSELF do not expect him to say or do anything differently. EVEN if he contadicts you refuse to budge at the very least you could have a quiet christmas with the children.

Good luck I think you have stormy waters ahead.

[AfternoonDelight]

Oh, sorry, I thought she said she was willing for them to come to hers. My mistake.

[shelfy74]

I have faced similar with my parents. Every year my mum reminds me this could be my dads last. Since having ds1 (3) we have twice had them to us, but this involves fetching them and returning them, they won't stay over and despite having a brand new car, my mum won't drive here (my dad is too infirm). DP is no longer willing to fetch them, to be honest I would seriously resent it too, it's 2 hours round trip and we'd miss dcs Xmas morning. Anyway, this year ds2 was born after awful 69 hour labour, emcs, needed three weeks in nicu. My parents came once under sufferance. Fuck them, I'm not dragging my dcs there this year. I'm dreading telling them too, I know my mum will make me feel like shit.

[cerealqueen]

YANBU - its time to start creating childhood christmas memories for your DC.
I have lots of happy memories of xmas as does DP and we want to recreate that magic for our DCs.

This is just one thing though isn't it, as it sounds like there is a wider issue here which you need to sort out.

If your SIL has a bigger house then this xmas is the perfect opportunity for her to have your PIL!

[sayithowitis]

I understand that you do not wish to spend every Christmas day with your ILs - DH and I have made a point of spending Christmas Day in our own home for most of our married life, and certainly since our Dcs were born. I do think YABU, however, to have allowed this situation to carry on for so long.

Also, is there a medical reason why you can't learn to drive? Because really, 16 miles is nothing in the car. if you could drive, you would at least be able to come home when you had had enough of it, rather than relying on your husband.

[Bogeyface]

sayithowitis

Is it not a little extreme to spend atleast a couple of hundred pounds and probably more, to learn to drive just to avoid Xmas day at the ILs? A better option would be to insist that her DH stops being a selfish arsehole by not driving home when he is the one that insisted they went to his parents in the first place!

Or use the money to pay for a taxi for her and the kids, there has got to be atleast 5 years worth of Xmas day taxis out of what it would cost her to learn to drive!

[SiamoFottuti]

she should learn to drive anyway, a little bit of independence from her cunt of a husband.

[snippywoo2]

everyone who posted below my post just confirmed what I said so hopefully you will see that UANBU and will insist that you spend this Xmas at home with your kids making memories in your own home that your kids can look back on and think when there older I want my xmases to be like that for my kids.

[hairfullofsnakes]

You poor lady and ignore everyone who says you should invite them! Yanbu to want to spend Xmas in your own home and just with your kids so do it! Your dh is being vu not listening to what you want

[sayithowitis]

Bogeyface, I am not suggesting that she learns to drive purely to save having to do an overnight at her PILs. I guess I am just surprised that anyone would allow themselves to be so reliant upon their husband for transport. And I speak as someone who didn't learn to drive until my own DCs were at school. I spent many years convincing myself I didn't need to drive. But then a situation arose that meant the only way I could do something was to drive. So I did. And I am so glad that I did, because there have been many occasions when it has gien me the freedom and ability to do things that I never could have done before. Including getting us all home from holiday when DH was taken very poorly and simply could not have got us home. Anyway, i digress. I mentioned it mainly because the Op cited not driving as a reason for having to stay at her Ils overnight, rather than driving the few miles home.

[blackeyedsusan]

why the hell is she being a martyr for not drinking and staying sober enough to look after the children. her husband is not going to do that, so someone has to.

I suggest that you let h go to his parents and you and the children stay at home and have a lovely relaxing time. he is only going to sulk aand be miserable. (like dh who sulked all the way round asda on the morning of ds's first Christmas party because he wanted to go and have lunch with his family now, despite the agreement being that he helped with the shopping before he went and left me to look after the children and prepare a party for both sets of gps/sibling )

I was not aware that there is a law that states you must spend every holiday with relatives. it is not possible anyway if parents have more than one child with a partner... someone is missing out somewhere.

if inlaws treat you like dirt why the hell should you spend time with them. they reap the consequences of their behaviour.

I do not expect either ds or dd to feel obliged to come home for Christmas. nice if they did but not essential. I will probabbly be on my own at christmas as I am a single parent, but better that thaan having children/dil/sil resentful because they feel obliged.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I'm seeing this partly from the viewpoint of OP's DC, since I was in their position as a child. Every Wednesday evening (thankfully not Sundays) and every Christmas was spent at paternal GPs. Christmas stopped when my sister and I BEGGED my mother to have Christmas at our own house. We hated Gran's cooking with a passion - vegetables floating in greasy water claiming to be soup; the toughest, driest turkey imaginable; and potatoes/vegetables that were put on to boil mid November. We dreaded it. And this is without GP's being the arses the OP's appear to be. (Odd, but not unpleasant people - my mother quite liked them.) Mum put her foot down that year, said we wanted to stay at home. We had bangers and mash for Christmas dinner that year, as per request from sister and myself. It was great! We got to play with our new toys at leisure, got to watch good films on TV, had a lovely relaxed day. We went round to see GPs on Boxing Day. And that was the pattern from that year onwards. (Although we did have turkey in the following years. :) )

This is obviously a bigger issue than Christmas dinner. And even though the PILs sound horrendous, the OP's problem lies squarely with her husband. He prioritises his parents over his wife and children. He insists on continuing a "family tradition" that he and his parents impose on OP and their DC, ignoring objections. He does not treat his wife as his equal. He is the root of the problem.

Oh, and for those who have, frankly, sneered at the OP for playing the martyr - shame on you! You don't have to read these boards for long to come across countless examples of OPs whose control over their own lives has become increasingly compromised. OPs who gave an inch that was pushed to a mile. OPs who put up with a temporary issue that hardened into permanence. OPs who were taken advantage of when distracted by sorrows. There but for the grace of good luck go many of us. May you never be in the position of relying on the kindness of strangers to reorient you on what constitutes normal behaviour.

OP, you've mentioned a lack of finances stopping you from learning to drive. Is this through lack of funds, or lack of ACCESS to funds? Because being able to drive means never having to stay until the driver decides to leave. It restores your autonomy. You need to prioritise getting that licence. It may also help you feel less trapped and helpless. Until then, you need to be consistent and clear. (Yes, it does sound like you need to be treating H as a child, but he is behaving like one - your PIL's child to be precise.) Say you and DC are not going there this Christmas. Tell DH. Tell PIL. Tell BIL and SIL. Tell DC. Tell friends. Back him into a corner. Make plans with DC as to what you will be doing that day. Plan the meal. The decorations. The table-setting. The TV programmes to be watched. And haul back on the Sundays. I love my PIL, but I would never see them every Sunday. Fortnightly at most and preferably monthly, after all you see them through the week as well so they are hardly being refused access to their GC.

But your problems with your husband are bigger than Christmas. His behaviour needs to change if you are to have any comfort in this marriage. Do you think it possible? You said earlier "He is very good and twisting things and making me feel guilty. However I think things in our marriage in general are coming to a head and this will be a catalyst for it. I am going to try and have a proper conversation with him regarding xmas and if he still insists on going to inlaws then I know where the kids and I stand " I do think you are right that this could be a catalyst. And that is why you need to stand so firm on it. Good luck.