To refuse to go to inlaws for xmas again?

[pink4ever]

So am I bu?
We have lived in our current home for the last 9 years and have never once spent xmas day here. When we moved in pre dcs dh instisted he wanted to spend xmas with his parents as he didnt want them to spend xmas alone. I would have preferred to have xmas as a couple but agreed to this on the proviso I went to my mums.

Fast forward a few years-we have dcs and I again suggest we stay at home for xmas. Dh uses same line of not wanting parents to be lonely so we agree to do one year his mums/one year my mums.

Fast forward another couple of years-I have a falling out with my mum. We no longer spend xmas there. Dh thinks this means the default position is we gp to his parents. This is what we have done for the past 3 xmas.

I hate it. We have no time to enjoy xmas. After dcs get up,open presents and we tidy up,it is time to leave. Kids dont get time to play with their new stuff. We have to spend the night as pil live about 15 miles away,I dont drive and dh refuses to not have an xmas drink

Mil is a terrible cook(no I dont offer to help-we are their guests and I dont want to be there) and a boring and maudlin drunk.

This year I am determined that I will spend xmas in my own home. Have told dh this but he thinks I am bluffing.

Btw-pil would not be alone every xmas-bil/sil also do the alternate year thing. Also they have recently bought a new home and I predict that they will say they want to stay at home-leaving us to pick up the slack.

Am I bu?

[pink4ever]

sioma-thanks. I have told dh exactly that but as I know he thinks I will just give in. Well not this time-I have been a fool for far too long.

[Papyrus]

We stay home for Christmas Day and tend to visit parents/PIL on a day between Christmas and New Year and co-ordinate with the rest of that side of the family. It works really well as the kids get their presents spread out a little and love meeting up with with all their cousins.

I think that my parents and PIL enjoy having a full house and like being able to distill it all into one day rather than having a constant stream of visitors IYKWIM.

[Katisha]

QUite apart from the fact that your H steamrollers you, and so do PILs, this really isn't great for the kids.

Why is Christmas the great be all and end all? Can't H see his brother on any other occasions?

I think def push for Boxing Day as a compromise and say you want the children to have a relaxed Christmas when they can appreciate their presents.

[Mollydoggerson]

Learn to drive

[pink4ever]

katisha-yes he sees his brother every second sunday(obviously they dont have to go EVERY sunday) Also we live 5 mins from bil/sil but both he and dh are lazy arses and dont arrange to meet up.
Re getting sil on board-we are not close and she now gets out of going to sunday dinner as works part-time. She likes that we go every xmas as it means they dont have to. Also they live very near to their inlaws so dont have the extra hassle of staying over/taxis/dragging dcs away from toys.
It is supposed to be their year for going to inlaws but I have a feeling they are going to cry off as recently bought a bigger house and will say they want to stay at home

[pink4ever]

molly-I would love to but cant afford it

[PrincessScrumpy]

For me Christmas is all about the house being filled with family - uncles, aunt, gps etc, but for dh it was always just his brother, mum and dad. It's not so much about the "stuff" the dc get as they will have the rest of the Christmas holiday to play with it and then anytime they are home. Usually we all play a game if one of the dc has been given one. It's all about spending time with people we love.

Luckily dh and I agree on this. You and your dh need to work out what you both want and sort out a compromise.

We always had 2 Christmasses as children, one at my mum's side of the family and one with my dad's mum and family. We have taken on this tradition but distance means we can't always do it Christmas and Boxing Day, my parents spent last Christmas with my brother in Canada so we had "Christmas" with them in the middle of January.

[pink4ever]

princess-yes xmas is for family but I have compromised what I would like to do onn xmas day for the last 9 years. As I said inlaws would be welcome on xmas morning or boxing day so its not as if I am banning them at xmas!

[whostolemyname]

Im not sure about this. YANBU about not wanting to go to theirs every sunday. Blimey. Once a month would be MORE than enough. I dont think you are being unreasonable as such about christmas but i think it would nice (that is all, just nice) if they could come to you for the day and you could all spend it together, dinner on laps or whatever. If they chose to decline that invite then so be it. But i think it would be nice to invite them.

Do you know what your children feel about it?

[pink4ever]

Thanks for all the replies. It seems to be quite evenly split between those who think I am BU and those who think I am NBU. Shall we call it a draw?. Thanks for all the good advice-I am going to start acting on it.

[warthog]

sorry for your losses pink4ever. absolutely horrific. and i think just on the basis of their treatment of you while you were grieving is enough to cut them off tbh.

you are quite within your rights to grow some balls and tell them to fuck the fuck right off. dh can visit them on his own, and give you some rest. EVERY SUNDAY.

[pink4ever]

Eldest doesnt like it(8) and asks to stay at home to play with his toys. Others are still too young yet to really understand. It will be very difficult for us to stay soon anyway as wont fit-as it is I share a bed with 2 dcs,1 goes in a travel cot and dh sleeps on the counch.

[FabbyChic]

You see your inlaws far too much. Weekly? far too much. Most only see theres every few weeks. Bout time he let the apron strings go and stopped being a mummys boy.

[IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat]

OK, I was about to call you precious till I read post about their behaviour after loss of your sons.

You are definitely nbu. And your dh needs to grow a pair and stand up to them.

[DuelingFanjo]

yanbu, I would hate this. Just stick to your guns. Get all the turkey and stuff in and just plow on with the plans. Tell DH not to promise his parents you will be there and if they mention it say 'oh, didn't DH tell you we are staying at home this year'.

[IWantWine]

You really ANBU!!! not at all. I have been there and done that!

Out of 30 Christmas's I was stupid to only spend 3 with my own parents! Every Christmas I had to have either my STBXH PIL/MIL/BIL etc etc stay with us. (ha! not just Christmas but every other soddin holiday and Sunday!) It had a very damaging effect on our family. :(

Have Christmas Day at home with just you, your DH and your DC and invite your PIL over for Boxing Day.

[EuphemiaMcGonagall]

Fuck that - YOU'RE the parents now, YOU decide what happens at Christmas. Christmas is for the children, not the bloody grandparents!

What did your PILs do at Christmas when DH and SIL were kids?

And the PILs aren't "on their own"/"lonely" at Christmas - they have each other!!!

This stuff makes my blood boil - when you are the ones with young kids, you MUST have Christmas the way YOU want it! If not now, when? When you were a kid you did what you were told; when your kids are adults they might well say they prefer to spend Christmas without you!

IF NOT NOW, WHEN??? !!!!!

Aaarrrgh! YANBU!

[pink4ever]

OMG my resolve has been strengthened. Heard dh shouting and balling downstairs and then the sound of the hoover(he has NEVER hoovered). Go down to see whats going on and he starts shouting about when I had last hoovered under counch(I do it once a week) as there were "hundreds of maggots there". There were 3 tiny black beetles-which we have had a problem with before as the doorstepper for back door does not fit properly. Dh has just sealed his own fate.

[ImperialBlether]

OP, ask your DP about his Christmases when he was young. Ask him where he spent them.

[EuphemiaMcGonagall]

(It's my birthday tomorrow and I've had a few glasses of wine, okay? I'm right in the mood for AIBU ...)

[pink4ever]

Happy birthday! I am joining you in a have left dh to his hoovering!

[G1nger]

pink4ever - The things you've said on here sound so utterly unacceptable that I'm left wondering if you're making them up. If indeed you're not, you really need to stand up for yourself. Hell would truly freeze over before I spent every Sunday at my in-laws; I wouldn't have ever spent a NYE with them; and Christmases would be strictly every other year (perhaps just occasional years). I'm aware that my parents don't make sunday dinners enjoyable, or Christmas. Thankfully, I feel very much the same as my partner about these, but if not then I'd have had to have listened and changed things.

[pink4ever]

ginger-believe me I wish I was making this up

[Katisha]

Yes def ask him where he spent HIS Christmasses.

There are a lot of people who think Christmas should carry on exactly as it did when they were children, despite having grown up and having families of their own.

Compromises have to be made and new traditions started(as long as they don't become an albatross around the necks of the DCs in later life). DH needs to understand not everyone wants to recreate his lifelong family christmasses.

[stripeywoollenhat]

i think that you should phone them now and let them know that you'll be staying home for christmas and that they are welcome to drop in xmas morning/boxing day, whichever suits. you've already made your position clear to your dp, right? he actually can't make you spend the day at their house, and it is straightforwardly unreasonable of him to expect you to go there every year, but you may be waiting a long time for him to communicate that to his (hideous sounding) parents.

god, i hate christmas.