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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to go to inlaws for xmas again?

198 replies

pink4ever · 20/08/2011 18:38

So am I bu?
We have lived in our current home for the last 9 years and have never once spent xmas day here. When we moved in pre dcs dh instisted he wanted to spend xmas with his parents as he didnt want them to spend xmas alone. I would have preferred to have xmas as a couple but agreed to this on the proviso I went to my mums.

Fast forward a few years-we have dcs and I again suggest we stay at home for xmas. Dh uses same line of not wanting parents to be lonely so we agree to do one year his mums/one year my mums.

Fast forward another couple of years-I have a falling out with my mum. We no longer spend xmas there. Dh thinks this means the default position is we gp to his parents. This is what we have done for the past 3 xmas.

I hate it. We have no time to enjoy xmas. After dcs get up,open presents and we tidy up,it is time to leave. Kids dont get time to play with their new stuff. We have to spend the night as pil live about 15 miles away,I dont drive and dh refuses to not have an xmas drinkAngry

Mil is a terrible cook(no I dont offer to help-we are their guests and I dont want to be there) and a boring and maudlin drunk.

This year I am determined that I will spend xmas in my own home. Have told dh this but he thinks I am bluffing.

Btw-pil would not be alone every xmas-bil/sil also do the alternate year thing. Also they have recently bought a new home and I predict that they will say they want to stay at home-leaving us to pick up the slack.

Am I bu?

OP posts:
NotQuiteSoDesperate · 20/08/2011 19:17

We had something similar to this in that we had to go to MIL's every Xmas without fail. FIL had died before the DCs were born and she was on her own. But she used to make Xmas such a trial for us all. In the end I put my foot down. I said to DH that we both had lovely memories of our childhood Xmases at home, so we had to stay in our own home some years to create those memories for our own DCs. That argument worked! So we managed at least alternate Xmases at home.

MumblingRagDoll · 20/08/2011 19:17

likeacandle Thats the worst suggestion I have ever heard.

They worked hard to pay for the presents so they don't want the DC separated from them?? Christmas is not just about presents.

Tonksforthememories · 20/08/2011 19:17

Our first Christmas together DH (then DP) and i trecked round the houses. Never again.
Second i was 41+4 with DD1 and refused to leave the house. :o We'd just moved in an i was a little hormonal.
We set a tradition then that Chrismas day would be at home, and Christmas eve/Boxing day was at P/Pil's house.

It took MIL a month or so to stop sulking but it now works really well!

YANBU! Tell Dh that if he wants to be waited on hand and foot he can go see his mum, but you'll be at home with the DCs.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/08/2011 19:18

Pink - I am a stroppy cow, so would start cooking Sunday lunch at home for me and the DC and would tell dh that he can stay or go, but me and the kids are staying put.

Funny how it all works to accommodate him but not you at all. Your Il's are not nice, but the apple doesn't fall far from the tree as far as your husband is concerned. If he can do what he wants, then so can you.

I would also refuse to go anywhere, where my husband thought it was acceptable behaviour to sit on his arse and get waited on and laugh at me for complaining about it. I don't blame you for not wanting to wait on him or your FIL either.

Original poster
pink4ever · 20/08/2011 19:19

happymumofone-my my your spreadsheet must be good. My inlaws have taken my dcs out for the day ONCE. I expect NO inheritence from them-everything will be split between dh and bil. I will be lucky if I see one penny of that money.
Re my dh being a solicitor then perhaps you should read my other threads more carefully-I have no money of my own.

OP posts:
FellatioNelson · 20/08/2011 19:19

Can you not go and see them for an hour on Xmas eve, or Xmas morning, then leave? Or can they not come round to you for a couple of hours Xmas morning then leave before you have dinner? Or come over for a couple of hours in the evening after you've had lunch - depending on what time it suits you all best to eat? It really doesn't have to be so 'all or nothing'. Or what about Boxing Day?

I agree though, I would not have wanted to uproot my children every Xmas day - far easier for the GPs to to travel than those with young children. Then again, some would argue that it is easier for the GPs to do the catering than those with young children, so you really do need to learn to all compromise and work out what suits you all the best.

WinkyWinkola · 20/08/2011 19:19

And you visit them every Sunday? Op, you are a saint. I would go mad. Do you not have friends with dcs you'd like to see sometimes too? It all sounds very intense and needy. Ever considered moving away?

pommedechocolat · 20/08/2011 19:20

We've always done xmas day at PILS since getting together. Pregnant, with 9 month old etc - always gone.

This year I will be pregnant with a 21 month old. I am not going anywhere and that is the end of that.

They won't come but we hoping to organise and persuade them to come to a great New Year's Eve thing just them and us.

Hopefully my parents will agree to come Xmas day pm/Boxing Day.

YANBU

Original poster
pink4ever · 20/08/2011 19:23

I would be quite happy to dompromise and have them round at ours on boxing day for a buffet. They would not be happy with this and dh wont stand up to them. Or give up his xmas with bil-they arranged it so they will always be there the same yearAngry

OP posts:
SiamoFottuti · 20/08/2011 19:23

You've got way bigger problems than going to your in-laws for Christmas, then. Hmm

AfternoonDelight · 20/08/2011 19:24

I spent all my Christmases as a child being trekked everywhere. Then everyone used to come round on Boxing Day anyway.

When my parents split up, they halved Christmas Day between them - we woke up at mum's, went to GPs (my Mum's parents), got picked up by my Dad from there, went to other GPs, and then to my Dad's house. My Dad at one point lived 3 hours away from my Mum so we lost a whole lot of Christmas Day just travelling.

When I met my now DF and we moved in together, our first Christmas was like a revelation. I cooked Christmas Dinner at 2pm in my pj's! We didn't leave the house all day!

If this is making you unhappy then you need to step up and tell your DH now. There are plenty of compromises. Christmas doesn't have to be all on one day. Go and see PIL on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. You deserve to have one day that you spend just as a family, where you can make your own rules and enjoy the day the way you want to.

I love the fact that my tradition with my DC is that we are not going anywhere at all, ever, on Christmas Day!

HappyMummyOfOne · 20/08/2011 19:25

Pink, lol re spreadsheet Grin I had such a laugh over the "stolen" blazer that i rembered your name and bits from posts as had a look at your others to see if they were all OTT. As for the comment "I have no money of my own" - not sure where you being a SAHM comes into the argument at all.

You've spat your dummy out as they wont let you have their car whilst yours is off the road so now they dont get xmas with their family. I didnt think you were being unreasonable until I saw the reason for not going. You and DH are adults, your transport and money needs are down to you not you IL's.

cjbartlett · 20/08/2011 19:25

You're dh sounds a twat
Why won't he listen to your pov and go to them on boxing day of new year
Why don't you invite them for Sunday lunch once a month and go to theirs once a month?
Tell him he's a twat & needs to listen to you

fedupofnamechanging · 20/08/2011 19:26

Well he can either see his brother or his kids then on Christmas day. Don't you want to scream at him to grow the fuck up.

Honestly Pink, he and the dc seem to be your priority, but that is not reciprocated.

warthog · 20/08/2011 19:26

yanbu to not want to go there.

but i don't get this whole 'just us for xmas' thing. it's just you the whole year. and one day of the year is a chance to include the wider family. even better if the person doing the cooking is good at it, and booze is allowed, and there are no nasty drunks.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/08/2011 19:29

You are right about the car too. While families are under no obligation to help each other out, it's a poor family who doesn't do so when you really need the help.

I wouldn't put myself out for them anymore. If they want to come around, then make sure it is when dh is home to entertain them.

Seona1973 · 20/08/2011 19:31

we have had christmas at home for the past few years and go and visit my mum on boxing day (dh's family live 300 miles away so we dont see them at xmas at all)

Original poster
pink4ever · 20/08/2011 19:31

Yes sioma I do indeed have bigger problems but its one thing at a time and I am tackling this first.
happymumofone-I have been telling dh for the past 3 years that I dont want to spend another xmas with them so no it is nowt to do with the car problem. Though of course they are not endearing themselves to me obviously with their behaviour.
They can have xmas with their family-they are welcome to come to mine xmas morning or boxing day. But if I suggest this it will be them that spit the dummy out believe me. Like they did when I wasnt able to entertain them when they came round weeks after we lost our first sonHmm and we were barely able to function due to our grief. Or when they called us "weirdos" when we didnt want to go to a New year party-again just after we had buried one of our sons.
Yet I am being made out to be the evil dil here?.

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 20/08/2011 19:32

YANBU. We had to go to my gran's for dinner each Christmas, and it drove my mum mad!

Could you pop over for an hour or something in the morning (we used to drop in on other gran on our way back from church)? Then you can go home and relax. It's not unreasonable to want a christmas at home for once, and there's no need for them to be offended. My MIL is invited here every Christmas. About 3 years ago she decided not to come but to spend the day with her friends. I was a bit offended initially, but then I realised that it is better that than her sitting here, silently wanting to be home, and I respect her decision gracefully. People should spend Christmas as they want, and not grit their teeth and go somewhere they don't want to go through some sense of duty. If family love each other and have a good relationship all year, they don't/ shouldn't take offence at this sort of thing. Go for it!

ImperialBlether · 20/08/2011 19:32

I think families with young children should stay put on Christmas Day. No child wants to travel immediately after opening his/her presents.

It would be nice for your ILs if they were invited to either your home or your BIL's home. Perhaps the family who had the year off could pay for the taxi, in recognition they were having a nicer Christmas?

Why don't you get together with your SIL and come to a decision on it? Then at one of these Sunday lunches you could say "X and I have decided we need to stay in our own homes for Christmas. You're very welcome to alternate between us, ie you can come to us this year and to them next year. We'll happily pay for a taxi for you and DH will fetch you." Leave shortly after!

Deal with it early so that they don't get in first. Remind them that your DH stayed at home every Christmas (presume that's true?) so they had Christmas in their own homes when their children were young.

Once you've dealt with that, you can deal with Sunday lunches. You should not have to do that every Sunday.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/08/2011 19:33

Pink, that's awful. So sorry for your loss

SiamoFottuti · 20/08/2011 19:37

`Well then don't go. Its as simple as that. Tell him now you won't be going, and he can stay with you or go to them. End of story.

hocuspontas · 20/08/2011 19:39

If you have been saying it for the past 3 years why are you still doing it? You need to be firm. DH and his family sound really controlling. I get the sense from your threads that you are not happy at the moment. If he wants to see his parents, fair enough, let him go and see them. You definitely see them too much, it would drive me mad.

Original poster
pink4ever · 20/08/2011 19:41

Dont want to be accused of drip feeding here but pre dcs we also used to go to them every year at new year for the bells(if we had a party to go to then we had to go after midnight). Then after dcs we also used to go to them for new years dinner(and again stay over). This only stopped 2 years ago when I told dh he was going to end up getting done for drink driving as he and fil would stay up to the wee small hours drinking and then we would drive home the next dayHmm
But I am BU right?

OP posts:
lifechanger · 20/08/2011 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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