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AIBU?

To refuse to go to inlaws for xmas again?

198 replies

pink4ever · 20/08/2011 18:38

So am I bu?
We have lived in our current home for the last 9 years and have never once spent xmas day here. When we moved in pre dcs dh instisted he wanted to spend xmas with his parents as he didnt want them to spend xmas alone. I would have preferred to have xmas as a couple but agreed to this on the proviso I went to my mums.

Fast forward a few years-we have dcs and I again suggest we stay at home for xmas. Dh uses same line of not wanting parents to be lonely so we agree to do one year his mums/one year my mums.

Fast forward another couple of years-I have a falling out with my mum. We no longer spend xmas there. Dh thinks this means the default position is we gp to his parents. This is what we have done for the past 3 xmas.

I hate it. We have no time to enjoy xmas. After dcs get up,open presents and we tidy up,it is time to leave. Kids dont get time to play with their new stuff. We have to spend the night as pil live about 15 miles away,I dont drive and dh refuses to not have an xmas drink

Mil is a terrible cook(no I dont offer to help-we are their guests and I dont want to be there) and a boring and maudlin drunk.

This year I am determined that I will spend xmas in my own home. Have told dh this but he thinks I am bluffing.

Btw-pil would not be alone every xmas-bil/sil also do the alternate year thing. Also they have recently bought a new home and I predict that they will say they want to stay at home-leaving us to pick up the slack.

Am I bu?

OP posts:

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timidviper · 20/08/2011 22:22

We took a firm stance on this when DCs were small. We told ALL relatives, his and mine, that we wanted to spend Christmas with the children in our own home. The first year they were a bit shocked and we had our first ever Christmas with just the 4 of us and we loved it! We still say it was one of the best ever!

Since then we have been joined some years by my family, some by his and some by both with no problems. Maybe you just need to sort this out with DH so you can both stick together and then go for it.

pink4ever · 20/08/2011 22:26

timid-thanks for the reply but I have been trying to sort this out with dh for years and he simply refuses to listen. He is very good and twisting things and making me feel guilty.
However I think things in our marriage in general are coming to a head and this will be a catalyst for it. I am going to try and have a proper conversation with him regarding xmas and if he still insists on going to inlaws then I know where the kids and I stand

OP posts:

Katisha · 20/08/2011 22:26

tbh Pink sounds like you are in a no-win. If DH stays at home with you he will probably sulk and make Christmas Day miserable.
Don't know what you do other than let him go to his parents and you stay at home and have a nice day with the kids and see if he comes to his senses.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/08/2011 22:30

Pink, the more you post about your husband, the more I wonder just why you remain married to him.

He disregards your feelings on anything that doesn't suit him.
Is rude to your family.
Lets his family treat you badly.
Lied about your ILs lending him money for a hire car?

You sound nice and have had a hard time in your life and I think you deserve so much better than you are getting from this man. The IL's wouldn't be such a problem, if your husband respected you and put you first from time to time.

If you are going to stay married to him, then it's time to start putting yourself and the children first, because he never will. Make it so that he fits in with you, or not as the case may be, but don't go changing your plans to fit in with him.

DutchGirly · 20/08/2011 22:32

I think you really need to make a firm stand with your husband. All the other issues will be resolved with him not behaving like an absolute twat.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to (except breath) he can't make you do it. I think he is being a selfish twerp if he is being incredibly rude whilst at your family's event 3 times a year whilst you spend EVERY Sunday at his parents. Don't you crave other company on Sundays, you do know that it is perfectly acceptable for your husband to go and see his parents/brother on his own?

I would have told him to f*ck off a loooooong time ago, I don't really understand why you put up with it. As far as not having money of your own, why not? Is your contribution towards the household in the form of cleaning, shopping, childcare not worth anything? Are you happy with the situation? Why can't you drive? It would give you a lot more freedom.

timidviper · 20/08/2011 22:36

I think in your situation Pink I might just tell him that you and the children will be spending Christmas at home for a change but would love it if he was there and if PILs could join you for the morning or whatever suits you.

Sorry you're having such a crap time.

cumbria81 · 20/08/2011 22:41

YABU. Xmas is about family. How will you feel in 20 years time if your kids decided not to see you?

pink4ever · 20/08/2011 22:44

cumbriayes xmas is about family.My family which is dh,myself and I. Inlaws had many many years of having their family xmas.

OP posts:

nickschick · 20/08/2011 22:44

I read your post with absolute disbelief.

Have you no sense of family???

We have only fil and every year even when we lived 100s of miles away he comes to us (we'd go to him cept his house is actually a small flat and he cant cook).

You just strike me a whining moody person who has become estranged from her own Mother and resent your pil.

Have you thought about what your dc would like to do in all of this?

Why dont you ask Dh to choose cos I think thats what you want really - bet he'd choose his Mum and Dad and you could spend Christmas alone.

Its August and by thinking like this I think you are just looking for a disagreement with your dh.

nickschick · 20/08/2011 22:46

''My family which is dh,myself and I. Inlaws had many many years of having their family xmas.''

Pink4ever im absolutely shocked at the way you respond - id give my eye teeth for a lovely big family xmas ......makes me wonder if your dc will be that desperate to make sure youre not lonely at Christmas in years to come.

DutchGirly · 20/08/2011 22:47

Cumbria, she spends EVERY Sunday with his family and has spend every single Christmas with his parents.

Is it so very selfish to want to stay at home with her kids to give them memories of a Christmas opening their presents with their mum and dad? I think she is a saint! Pink is willing to invite his parents, it is not like they're being excluded. Family is about giving and so far Pink is doing ALL the giving. I am sure her kids will cherish those previous memories of Xmas at their own home in 20 years time and a compromise will be reached where everybody is happy.

pink4ever · 20/08/2011 22:49

Yes nickschick you are right. I do resent my inlaws. They have behaved like arses on numerous occasions and I have allowed them to do so. They have emotionally blackmailed me into going to their house for dinner every fecking sunday for the past 9 years.
I am bringing this up with dh now because things are coming to a head between us and because I want him to realise that this time I am serious.
Yes dh would choose his mum and dad/bil and I think thats really

OP posts:

SiamoFottuti · 20/08/2011 22:50

you don't have to be religious to think its about more than bloody presents!

nickschick · 20/08/2011 22:50

But the way I read it was that the children open their gifts with mum and dad then travel the 16 miles to the in laws home for 'christmas'.....theres nothing stopping them taking their toys or even Pink saying Weve eaten your dinner for all these years at least let us bring something with us if the mils cooking is so bad.

pink4ever · 20/08/2011 22:51

If you know me please do not out me on this thread-my friends in rl know situation re inlaws and have been trying to tell me for years that I do not have to go there every sunday.thanks

OP posts:

nickschick · 20/08/2011 22:51

Pink I think you are allowing this to become a bigger issue than it really is and its possible your dc will grow up to resent it.

pictish · 20/08/2011 22:52

Nickschick just at you!

I cannot believe that anyone thinks the OP is BU!!!

pink4ever · 20/08/2011 22:53

nick-we go to inlaws for xmas dinner because mil basically commands it-no t because we want to or enjoy it. We do take something with us-we have bought the turkey a few years,sometimes the dessert and always take plenty of alcohol(which I cant drink as I am left to see to dc's)

OP posts:

nickschick · 20/08/2011 22:53

Well I do,Pictish.

So put your face away and read what other people are saying too - its not just me thats thinking like this.

nickschick · 20/08/2011 22:54

How old are your dc?

SiamoFottuti · 20/08/2011 22:54

of course the OP is being U. If you lie down on the floor and stamp doormat on your head, people are going to walk all over you. If you go there every year, and every sunday, why wouldn't they think you are going to go. Just stop going for Gods sake!

pink4ever · 20/08/2011 22:55

My dc or at least the eldest one would far rather stay at home on xmas day. Dc's are also beginning to resent going to dinner every sunday as gp's dont really like them playing with their toys,moan if they mess anything up in their garden and basically just want them to sit quietly in front of the tv for hours.

OP posts:

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pink4ever · 20/08/2011 22:57

sioma-I am trying to stop being a doormat. My friends in rl are also very by the way I have accepted the status quo as I am far from the shy ,retiring type.

OP posts:

pictish · 20/08/2011 22:57

Sounds crap OP. Fuck going to dinner every Sunday as well....weekends are bloody precious.

You need to take a stand over this. It's unacceptable.

WinkyWinkola · 20/08/2011 22:58

The op is in no way bu. Only the most demanding self centred relatives would get in a strop about seeing wider family on Boxing Day for a change.

Lots of those demanding relatives about it would seem. I pity their grown up dcs who won't be able to do what they want because their parents will make them feel guilty. Makes you wonder who hasn't grown up really.

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