To refuse to go to inlaws for xmas again?

[pink4ever]

So am I bu?
We have lived in our current home for the last 9 years and have never once spent xmas day here. When we moved in pre dcs dh instisted he wanted to spend xmas with his parents as he didnt want them to spend xmas alone. I would have preferred to have xmas as a couple but agreed to this on the proviso I went to my mums.

Fast forward a few years-we have dcs and I again suggest we stay at home for xmas. Dh uses same line of not wanting parents to be lonely so we agree to do one year his mums/one year my mums.

Fast forward another couple of years-I have a falling out with my mum. We no longer spend xmas there. Dh thinks this means the default position is we gp to his parents. This is what we have done for the past 3 xmas.

I hate it. We have no time to enjoy xmas. After dcs get up,open presents and we tidy up,it is time to leave. Kids dont get time to play with their new stuff. We have to spend the night as pil live about 15 miles away,I dont drive and dh refuses to not have an xmas drink

Mil is a terrible cook(no I dont offer to help-we are their guests and I dont want to be there) and a boring and maudlin drunk.

This year I am determined that I will spend xmas in my own home. Have told dh this but he thinks I am bluffing.

Btw-pil would not be alone every xmas-bil/sil also do the alternate year thing. Also they have recently bought a new home and I predict that they will say they want to stay at home-leaving us to pick up the slack.

Am I bu?

[zipzap]

Hope you are having a lovely Sunday at home!

Now time to organise yourself a blackmail buzzword bingo chart on which you get points/prizes whenever your mil blackmails you and it corresponds to one of your predictions. Could be am extra glass of wine or tot points up and turn into pounds or whatever, doesn't have to be big or cost money but something to take the sting out of the blackmail and give you the control back over the situation, keep you resolute against it instead of ending up giving in to it. I'd also let your dh know it is what you are doing because I bet he'll either say that this mum won't - and so you can show him he's wrong. Or because it will help you both to stay firm against it, especially if he is likely to give in and it might been provide you with a giggle coming up with the more outrageous things she might say and then again when she does.

Second thing to do is to book yourself something to do in a fortnight's time on the Sunday so that your dh has to look after the kids and you get something nice for you to do. Ok so he still might go to his parents but at least you won't be there. Even if you have to get a friend to invite you for a girly lunch and you just take a picnic to the park by yourself, something so that you are out of the house and not at pils on sunday.

And then organise something for the whole family to do a couple of weeks after that so again you are not going. and then again another couple of weeks later. Etc etc but then you can start to go every 3 weeks instead of every 2 and soon you'll be going once a month.

Even just do it next week. Think how much of a nice change it will be to not see them for a couple of weeks and it will spur you on.

Plus make sure that every time your dh goes to the footie you get a day off too so he starts to see that you are equals.

Good luck!

[TimeForMeIsFree]

Oh OP, you have my sympathy, you really do. I had one of these myself, a Man Child. Every Christmas, NYE, Birthday, Mother's Day, holiday and at least one day during the week, we had to include The Mother. He wouldn't fart without is mother's permission.

YANBU, stick to your guns, you and your DC are your DH's immediate family now and should be treated as such. Good luck!

[joric]

Your problem is with your MAN- CHILD DH who goes for his dinner every Sunday and can't bear to be parted from his DM at XMas.

He is the problem with his 'can't not have a drink so we have to stay over' and his football Sundays and shouting because of little bugs under sofa .....

Sorry OP but I don't think MiL is to blame here.
YWNBU to be p'd off with DH.

[Ephiny]

I do find it bizarre how adults make such a big deal over Christmas Day as well. I know it's a time of year when many people want to spend time with family, and that's fine and nice, but there are 12 days of Christmas, aren't there? Surely they can cope without seeing you for one day out of the entire year?

In the same spirit as eloping due to family making wedding a nightmare - in some situations I hear about, I'd be tempted to plan a nice holiday for the Christmas period. Maybe skiing or winter sun?

Or maybe you'll be lucky and get snowed in? :)

[Ephiny]

I don't get it - how are your PIL going to be lonely when there's two of them? And maybe SIL/BIL to visit as well? If it was one widowed elderly parent on their own, I'd say you should invite them to join you for lunch, so they're not sitting at home on their own. But that doesn't sound like the case here.

I think really your H has to decide who his family primarily is - you and the children, or his parents. Not suggesting he neglect or ignore his parents, but he has to learn to put you first some times. He needs to grow up a bit!

[warthog]

let her. of course she is - she isn't getting her own way like she usually does. she will fight you.

stand strong. just repeat that you have been to hers for the last 3 years and you will be staying at home this year. you'd love to see her for lunch on boxing day.

[WinkyWinkola]

Which you must ignore. Be resolute and firm. You are in the right. At the first sign of any drama, say the discussion is over and politely and calmly leave the room or put the phone down.

[pink4ever]

highlander-thanks for the reply. I have said that inlaws are welcome to come round on xmas day before we have our lunch or to come for a buffet on boxing day. However I know this will not be good enough for mil and she will pile on the emotional blackmail.

[Highlander]

I agree with other posters that your DH is effectively stuck in his teenage years. He can go off and do as he pleases, but ultimately he allows his parents to call the shots.

In his parental home, he and his brother stick to the family script; he behaves exactly as he did when he last lived at home full-time, i.e. Like a surly teenager. I would definitely haul him up on this, right now; "DH why are you sitting on your arse watching your mum work? Peel some spuds!!!"

He needs to break free from this family script, grow up and move on. His family will always play a very vital role in his life, but the centre of his life has now shifted away from his own parents, toward you and your children. As the centre, he acts like a responsible grown-up. He respects your opinion and ideals, realising that they may conflictbwith his parents' ideals. At the end of the day, however, you and your DH make and prioritise decisions for your family.

Having been painfully through this with my DH, the huge mistake I made was becoming his mother. Whatever you do, don't become the new matriarch. You are equals, and you should share decisions about your family. The benefit is that if any of these decisions conflict with your ILs, then your DH cannot pass the buck as he made that decision.

You're not going to achieve all of this before Christmas; you've got a rocky ride ahead of you. I'm not sure what I would do. I don' think I would cut the ILs out completely though. Could you all meet at your BILs for pudding on Christmas afternoon or Boxing Day?

[sue52]

YANBU. After 10 years in your home you should establish your own Christmas traditions with your children. It's time for your PILs and Dh to change their habits.

[hairfullofsnakes]

I'm really glad you are going to stand up for yourself on this and really hope it's the start for you in lots of ways. You shouldn't have to go there every Sunday either - your dh is an arse - keep standing up fir you and your kids!

[TheOriginalFAB]

OMG, you need to sort this. He is a dick (sorry.)

[pink4ever]

fab-we are not going today as dh got free tickets to the footie. So obviously it is okay for him to pick and choose when to go. I cant believe I am going to admit this but there were times when dh didnt go(again usually footie related) and I would go by myself with the kids. To his parents!. Just because I couldnt bare all the moaning from mil if we didnt go. However I hasten to add I havent done this for a few years!

[TheOriginalFAB]

YANBU

You are not being a martyr.

You have done what everyone else has wanted for years and it needs to be your time.

Start by not going to theirs for lunch today. Give the kids a choice and tell DH you are not going today.

[FellatioNelson]

I'm not suggesting you go there to eat, all of my suggestions have involved you eating at your home, either with or without them.

Of course if you won't entertain the idea of letting them have lunch/dinner at yours then I'd say you won't get your DH to budge, beause that is not you compromising is it? It's you making your own set of demands. I'm not saying I blame you incidentally - just that it is unlikely ot get you what you want. If you offer to host lunch then suggest they bring chairs, turkey etc, then chances are they will decline the invitation and eat at home anyway. But if not, at least you are at home, which is what you wanted.

[pink4ever]

fellatio-those are very good suggestions. But the thing is-I dont want to go to inlaws for xmas again. I have gone there for 6 out of the last 9 years. I have gone there for dinner every sunday for the last 12 years.
I want to have dinner in my own home with just my dh,myself and dcs. I would like inlaws to either come round on xmas morning or boxing day. However I know they are going to spit the dummy over this.


One of the other posters hit the nail on the head-my dh wants his xmas to stay the same as when he was a kid. But he is an adult now and I want us to start creating memories for our won children.

Also he is a lazy arse and he knows that if we stay at home then I will expect him to help me out a little

[FellatioNelson]

Ok, so if BIL and SIL have recently bought a bigger house and they live 5 mins from you, why don't you suggest that the PILs go there for the day, and you can go round and visit for a couple of hours or they can all come to you for a couple of hours?

Are you actually putting any of these suggestions to them, or are you just getting in a stew because your DH because he sees no problem with the status quo? Have you discussed it with the in laws at all?

You say your house is small, but could you not buy some cheap collapsible tables, get them to each bring a chair, extra crockery etc, and move all the furniture in the room back to set up a table in the middle? Yes it will be chaos, but Xmas is always chaos!

You could even ask MIL to bring the turkey wrapped in foil staight from the oven, which will free up your kitchen and oven space to do the rest. Arrange for them to arrive at about 1pm, so you've had plenty of time with your DCs, eat about an hour after they arrive, then the table can be packed up and stuff moved back for the afternoon and evening. There are always ways around the space thing - it's only a handy excuse if you want it to be. An extra two people is nothing. I think you don't really want to see them at all to be honest.

I understand how you have got here, but digging your heels in is only going to cause an awful rift so you are going to have to find a way to compromise. Your DH is obviously much more family orientated than you are, and he is not going to change any time soon. Some people just cannot get their heads around not seeing their parents on Xmas Day (my sil is the same) so you just have to find a way to do that which doesn't involve you falling in 100% with everyone else.

Of course if you have tried all the suggestions, and neither your PILS or your DH will even attempt to see your point and just demand that you go there for the entire day without an argument, then you have two choices. Either suck it up and accept it but try to make a new tradition that you have a very special Christmas Eve on your own at home, and again on Boxing day, or be prepared for an almightly meltdown that open Pandora's Box, because it's quite clear that this is not just about Christmas.

[Gonzo33]

I haven't read all the pp's but I will say that Christmas Day for us is a family day; i.e me, dh and the kids. Boxing day is for extended family. However, as I am an only child and dh is one of four when we move to a bigger house we intend on inviting people to us for Boxing Day or New Years. We will only have one spare room, but the only people that have to drive any distance to come to us are my parents.

I refuse point blank to go to mil's for anything longer than one day, and certainly wouldn't stay, because we have a toddler and mil's home is a show home and she is very precious about little fingers on glass.

[pink4ever]

Thanks again for all the replies. The good advice is invaluable. I am not going to continue to try and get dh to see my point of view. When inlaws return from holiday I will tell them that this year we are staying at home and that they are welcome to come to ours on boxing day. I will present it as a fait au complit and my dh can then choose what he wants to do.

[iscream]

bil etc

[exoticfruits]

I agree with Whereyouleftit.

[iscream]

Pink, invite them all, bil for Christmas dinner. Make it buffet style so you can all eat off trays.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I'm seeing this partly from the viewpoint of OP's DC, since I was in their position as a child. Every Wednesday evening (thankfully not Sundays) and every Christmas was spent at paternal GPs. Christmas stopped when my sister and I BEGGED my mother to have Christmas at our own house. We hated Gran's cooking with a passion - vegetables floating in greasy water claiming to be soup; the toughest, driest turkey imaginable; and potatoes/vegetables that were put on to boil mid November. We dreaded it. And this is without GP's being the arses the OP's appear to be. (Odd, but not unpleasant people - my mother quite liked them.) Mum put her foot down that year, said we wanted to stay at home. We had bangers and mash for Christmas dinner that year, as per request from sister and myself. It was great! We got to play with our new toys at leisure, got to watch good films on TV, had a lovely relaxed day. We went round to see GPs on Boxing Day. And that was the pattern from that year onwards. (Although we did have turkey in the following years. :) )

This is obviously a bigger issue than Christmas dinner. And even though the PILs sound horrendous, the OP's problem lies squarely with her husband. He prioritises his parents over his wife and children. He insists on continuing a "family tradition" that he and his parents impose on OP and their DC, ignoring objections. He does not treat his wife as his equal. He is the root of the problem.

Oh, and for those who have, frankly, sneered at the OP for playing the martyr - shame on you! You don't have to read these boards for long to come across countless examples of OPs whose control over their own lives has become increasingly compromised. OPs who gave an inch that was pushed to a mile. OPs who put up with a temporary issue that hardened into permanence. OPs who were taken advantage of when distracted by sorrows. There but for the grace of good luck go many of us. May you never be in the position of relying on the kindness of strangers to reorient you on what constitutes normal behaviour.

OP, you've mentioned a lack of finances stopping you from learning to drive. Is this through lack of funds, or lack of ACCESS to funds? Because being able to drive means never having to stay until the driver decides to leave. It restores your autonomy. You need to prioritise getting that licence. It may also help you feel less trapped and helpless. Until then, you need to be consistent and clear. (Yes, it does sound like you need to be treating H as a child, but he is behaving like one - your PIL's child to be precise.) Say you and DC are not going there this Christmas. Tell DH. Tell PIL. Tell BIL and SIL. Tell DC. Tell friends. Back him into a corner. Make plans with DC as to what you will be doing that day. Plan the meal. The decorations. The table-setting. The TV programmes to be watched. And haul back on the Sundays. I love my PIL, but I would never see them every Sunday. Fortnightly at most and preferably monthly, after all you see them through the week as well so they are hardly being refused access to their GC.

But your problems with your husband are bigger than Christmas. His behaviour needs to change if you are to have any comfort in this marriage. Do you think it possible? You said earlier "He is very good and twisting things and making me feel guilty. However I think things in our marriage in general are coming to a head and this will be a catalyst for it. I am going to try and have a proper conversation with him regarding xmas and if he still insists on going to inlaws then I know where the kids and I stand " I do think you are right that this could be a catalyst. And that is why you need to stand so firm on it. Good luck.

[blackeyedsusan]

why the hell is she being a martyr for not drinking and staying sober enough to look after the children. her husband is not going to do that, so someone has to.

I suggest that you let h go to his parents and you and the children stay at home and have a lovely relaxing time. he is only going to sulk aand be miserable. (like dh who sulked all the way round asda on the morning of ds's first Christmas party because he wanted to go and have lunch with his family now, despite the agreement being that he helped with the shopping before he went and left me to look after the children and prepare a party for both sets of gps/sibling )

I was not aware that there is a law that states you must spend every holiday with relatives. it is not possible anyway if parents have more than one child with a partner... someone is missing out somewhere.

if inlaws treat you like dirt why the hell should you spend time with them. they reap the consequences of their behaviour.

I do not expect either ds or dd to feel obliged to come home for Christmas. nice if they did but not essential. I will probabbly be on my own at christmas as I am a single parent, but better that thaan having children/dil/sil resentful because they feel obliged.