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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think this couple are extracting the urine?

667 replies

PreviouslyonLost · 18/08/2011 15:55

I work mainly part-time, DH works off-shore. Two DC, no family nearby to help out but we manage. Our eldest DC is due to start Primary School and will only be in until noon for several weeks. To accommodate this I have used the majority of my annual leave or ensured that DH is home. Another couple who live locally and whose eldest DC will be starting school at the same time are now dropping heavy hints that we should help them out by collecting and looking after their child (This would be from noon until @5pm/or 3.30pm until @5pm when going in for full-days).

There has been no direct request (yet) but lots of 'it'll all work itself out' and 'we're all in the same boat' type comments Hmm. The DW of the couple has also commented to me that they could 'drop off their DC in the mornings' at another neighbour's house - a neighbour that otherwise they do not associate with or even speak to but who is a friend of mine.

The other couple are both Primary School teachers and have been off for the Summer Holidays (47 days) ...... so .... AIBU to think that the week before school term resumes in NOT the time to start thinking about childcare, far less make assumptions that other people should take up the slack?

OP posts:
WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 19/08/2011 08:35

thiswilloutmeinrl are you in a mixed metaphor competition? OP jumps through hoops, the others swan in and piggyback!

That really made me laugh!

ragged · 19/08/2011 08:59

Ah, I see the other side of this. A teacher friend (single parent) was pulling her hair out trying to get pm childcare for her eldest child starting reception. She had investigated just about everything you can think of before fearing that she might have to resort to asking neighbours & even random parents at village toddler group (this was a highly reputed village school but with no wrap around care or even any CMs in the village).

If it were me, OP, I'd offer to do maybe one afternoon/week, but ONLY the one afternoon. Good Karma and all that?

MotherOfSuburbia · 19/08/2011 09:09

It's understandable that they need to find childcare for this period. I'm a SAHM so not had the problem myself but I know many others who have.
If it had been me in their situation, though, with a long summer holiday to work with, I would have talked to other parents and offered to do some childcare in the summer in return for covering those afternoons. If I couldn't make this work I would have to stick with the CM.
It isn't unreasonable that they should need some help, but it is unreasonable that they shouldn't find a way to return the favour. TBH I wouldn't have wanted another child with me during those afternoons - maybe a couple of days a week, but certainly not every day.
Good luck!

HSMM · 19/08/2011 09:12

You need to be able to focus on your DC in this first week at school. Make sure settling in is going OK. Meet some new friends. Visit the park, etc. Not worry about other people's children.

Sleepglorioussleep · 19/08/2011 09:20

It is difficult. I am largely a sahm and early on my antenatal group would frequently ask me to cover childcare glitches. I'm always happy to help in medical emergencies but I have had to say no to most work cover things because I felt my dc were missing out. I do playdates and things, but as far as I am concerned, I am at work when looking after my dc and I shouldn't be seen as the back up. Unless I offer, which I sometimes do. One offered to pay childminding rates, but I felt that was wrong. Written down it seems really harsh, but you can easily spend all your time looking after other people's children if you're not careful.

madmomma · 19/08/2011 09:25

No no no no no! They can find and pay for their own sodding childcare! It's not like they're friends, or even good neighbours! Freeloading bastards!

ineedabodytransplant · 19/08/2011 09:31

My daughter is a primary school teacher.

Haven't seen her finish before 5 at all! Nearer 6-7 some evenings.

Can you see where this is going?

MrsKwazii · 19/08/2011 09:43

I think if they had talked to you directly at the beginning of the holidays and, as you say, offered to help you out over these last few weeks it would be a a different matter.

They've known for God knows how long that they would need to cover this fortnight - as their son already goes to a childminder, there shouldn't be an issue.

TBH, it sounds like they're dropping heavy hints all over the place hoping that one or more people will step forward to help. Sounds like you may be tempted to say yes as you kind of feel you should. Well you don't have to and should put you and your child first.

As for offering for an afternoon, give people like this an inch and they'll take a mile. Stay strong!

halcyondays · 19/08/2011 09:47

Cheeky so and sos. My mum was a primary teacher and she paid a childminder to look after me after school. Yes, they should have thought of this long before now, not assume they can rope in random parents to child mind for free for weeks at a time.

Tanith · 19/08/2011 09:48

They've got childcare arranged: a childminder. So they're hardly stuck, are they? And, yes, I mind for primary teachers and not one finishes by 5 at the earliest.

Can't you drop heavy hints in return about the plans you've arranged, making it impossible to help out?
You could hint that you've found a lovely childminder who suddenly has a place because one of her mindees went off her, but really she thinks they're trying to save money... Grin

Whatmeworry · 19/08/2011 09:59

Time to zip on that thick skin :)

halcyondays · 19/08/2011 09:59

Ah, I missed the bit about them already having a childminder, but the DS didn't like her anymore. Well in that case, they should have been looking for a new registered childminder, even after the first few weeks they are presumably going to need to stay on in school for a while to get their work done, plus they will need childcare for training days etc.

Original poster
PreviouslyonLost · 19/08/2011 11:15

Thank you again for all the replies, back for a quick update.

Met neighbour this morning and got 'I just don't know what we're going to do next week when school starts' ... I was STRONG and mmmmmm'ed politely but DID NOT answer or do my usual blurt of 'if you're really desperate then ....', and I got you lot to thank for that Smile.

To clarify - they had both their children at a childminder but this only runs (and only payable) in term-time. As their eldest DC hasn't been to the childminder since the start of the summer holidays, and previously LOVED going, I just felt that it was a pressure filled comment to another parent in an attempt to get them to offer to help. The actual statement was that DC 'thinks the childminder is boring and doesn't like them now'. The childminder is very highly regarded and would pick up their DC and keep them until 5pm but this would have to be paid for Wink.

Ragged My Karma regarding this couple is already at saturation point .... they are CONSTANT visitors to our house - ostensibly to tire out their kids (usually just as we are trying to 'wind-down' our own 2 DC) and then go home to a lovely tidy house, our house/toys/clothes pulled out of drawers! etc get trashed Sad - and the countless bottles of wine and beers, never mind the meals/snacks that are always offered to them (Lunchtime/Dinnertime is a favourite visiting opportunity). We have been in their house less than 5 (brief) times in 4 years Shock. My DH and I love to be sociable and hospitable, don't get out much/not much to do in area so home is where it's at, but tired of thoughtlessness of this couple.

I'm laughing remembering when the DW made everyone (adults too!) stay outside in the rain at one of their DC's birthday parties saying it was only a shower Grin. What price a tidy house eh?!

I would do anything for someone who was truly stuck - particularly a single-parent (DH works away so much that probably includes me!) I just feel very unconfortable at their assumption that other people who have struggled/juggled/sold their soul to make suitable arrangements for their own DC should now have to include another child despite the inherent inconvenience ( If I, or DH, did look after said child we'd be stuck in/around the house until 'pick-up' time as very rural location and no room in car for another child seat).

MadMomma You made me laugh out loud Grin.

ineedabodytransplant ..... they are both home from work long before me!

I couldn't have resisted the PRESSURE without your help.... awesome cheers Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
PreviouslyonLost · 19/08/2011 11:17

the countless bottles of wine and beers offered .... for the grown-ups obviously Grin

OP posts:
MrsKwazii · 19/08/2011 11:22

Hurrah POL! Be ready for them to up the ante over the next week or so though as they start to get desperate. You were obviously meant to cave this morning so the real pressure starts now. YOU CAN DO IT!!!

skybluepearl · 19/08/2011 11:27

if they ask directly - you could ask that they do 2 weeks and you do 2 weeks. if things are split evenly then maybe you could have some of your leave back?

fedupofnamechanging · 19/08/2011 11:29

Might also be time to be less hospitable the next time they descend on you too.

Friendships are only real and valuable when it isn't one person doing all the giving and the other person doing all the taking.

Well done for standing strong today.

skybluepearl · 19/08/2011 11:31

just read your post - well done you

oldraver · 19/08/2011 11:37

They just sound like penny pinching chancers, especially as you mentioned not paying during the holidays. Usually you would have to pay a childminder a retainer and I bet they either wriggled out of this or gave notice to the childminder so they didnt have to pay. They are more than likely not wanting to go back and ask or the place has gone. As others have said, the week before Term starts is not the right time to be looking for childcare when they could of sorted it before

Rubyx · 19/08/2011 11:38

I have a neice starting the same school as my DS and DD and i have also had those hints.. my Sils husband actually drives near the school my kids have been going to for the last four years and never offered to pick them up or drop them off.. He will still be taking my nephew to school near my kids school. Yet when i said,, to my SIL you take them in the morning ( i.e her husband as he is going anyway) and i will pick them up in the afternoon! I get a feeble no he can't as he will get late for work... People proper take the piss!

EldritchCleavage · 19/08/2011 11:46

The urgency is their fault, so don't let them make it sound like a burden you have to take on. They are in a jam because they've done nothing all through the holidays. And your last post makes them sound like mega-users.

It sounds as though it is time to let the invitations lapse. Or invite yourselves round to their house for some payback...Make sure you load the kids up on sugar first though.

oldraver · 19/08/2011 11:49

You could say.. "Well if you will have my two in all the half term/term holidays then maybe we can come to some arrangement". I reckon they would hot foot it to the childminder Grin

Original poster
PreviouslyonLost · 19/08/2011 11:53

MrsKwazii ..... my nerves are shredded already as you're right, the ante is going to go supersonic over the weekend - DH is home and we are anticipating a last ditch attempt visit from them over the weekend Wink.

skybluepearl aye, there's the rub .... they CAN'T reciprocate, the DH works F/T, DW works P/T, same days as me. That's the point, and one that MrsKwazii also thought of when she said .... 'I think if they had talked to you directly at the beginning of the holidays and, as you say, offered to help you out over these last few weeks it would be a a different matter'. The other couple will always need this childcare cover (except in the school holidays of course!).

OP posts:
Meow75 · 19/08/2011 12:00

oldraver

I would hesitate to even do that. What's the chances that if the OP did, in a moment of madness/kind weakness, agree to look after the child in exchange for some minding in the October holidays, "something", an emergency, a great deal for a holiday, a "burst water pipe" at their house thus preventing this favour from being repaid.

Stay strong, OP. You CAN do it!!!!

glastocat · 19/08/2011 12:04

They are complete chancers. They are lucky enough not to need childcare in the summer holidays when it is a royal pain in the arse for most parents, then they want you to cover term time? The effing cheek of it!