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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to feel envious towards people who actually ENJOY looking after young children/babies?

210 replies

PacificDogwood · 16/08/2011 17:43

Sad

Well, am I?

I am very lucky to have the size of family I hoped for.
So, ok, I don't go gooey at the sight of a newborn, but still kind of thought I would enjoy looking after babies/toddler/school aged children.
Not all the time, but sometimes.

I just don't.
I find it a relentless slog of repetitive nonsense, and I don't mean the washing/dressing/feeding etc, but the dealing with older kids' fighting, 3 year olds insanity temper tantrums and active 1 year old's.... well, active/climbing/teething/ 'normal' behaviour.

And I know all this will pass and I will mourn its passing.
But I still don't enjoy it.
And am envious of parents it seems to come to so much more effortlessly.
How do others cope with the total loss of control over their lives??

OP posts:
cornflakegirl · 19/08/2011 11:38

When I had DS1, I felt really strongly that I didn't want him to be in childcare under the age of 3. So DH was a SAHD. With DS2, I realised that some people really are massively better with babies than others, and agreed with DH that if he could earn enough to be able to afford a nanny like my friend who really loves babies, then actually that could be maybe better than having one of us at home.

minipie · 19/08/2011 12:23

voice of reason cornflakegirl Smile

I had a nanny when I was little. She was much, much better at a lot of the small-child stuff than my mum was - my mum was great at talking, giving advice, reassuring but my nanny was better at playing, being silly etc. I feel I got the best of both worlds - I could play and be silly with my nanny in the day time and then talk to my mum in the evening or at weekends after she got back from work.

So in response to Chestnut and tracey I would not agree that children necessarily prefer having their mother around all the time.

And why doesn't the same apply to fathers by the way? If children prefer having their mum around all the time, then presumably they also prefer having their dad around? So should fathers not WOH?

Chestnutx3 · 19/08/2011 12:45

Well I had a childminder when I was growing up so my mother could work, I hated it. I have used my past earning power to make sure that my kids don't have a childminder. I am using my past earning power to pay for private school fees in the future. Xenia had her kids much younger than me, its only one way, I earnt my money and then had kids its just another way.

Many mothers who work "have to" to make money like my own mother they don't set a great example to their girls because its often unfulfilling jobs that they don't enjoy.

I did point out it can be a dad or grandparent that they are close to not just their mother.

unoriginalname · 19/08/2011 12:49

I will have to use a childminder or after-school club several nights a week when I go back and am not looking forwards to it - I hear too many stoires like yours chestnutx3! I do think lots of children instinctively know they have second best.

(Few people are rich enough to afford a nanny! That's a different scenario I think and one I'd be happier with)

minipie · 19/08/2011 12:52

Gosh, you must have earned a lot Chestnut if you managed to save up enough before having DCs to support yourself as a SAHM and pay private school fees Hmm.

I actually think a parent going out to work because she needs to earn money to support her family is setting a great example - even if she hates the job. Obviously it would be better if she could find a job she enjoyed though.

Sorry to hear you hated your childminder. Obviously, what one child prefers will not necessarily be what another child prefers. That is the point I was making.

pommedechocolat · 19/08/2011 13:20

So working to make money for a family that needs it ISN'T setting a good example now?

Eh?

Chesnutx3 - hats off to you but most people don't earn enough before having children to save all that money.

sleepywombat · 19/08/2011 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

halcyondays · 19/08/2011 13:31

I had a lovely childminder when I was little and never felt I was missing out. I wouldn't assume a nanny is always better, it's more a matter of finding someone who your kids gel with and are happy with, I think. As an only child I loved the company of other children at the childminder's.

I'm a sahm and have been since dd1 was born so they are used to having me around but they do complain sometimes about daddy going to work, as they would like him to be there all the time.

Xenia · 19/08/2011 14:26

Hours with chidren in the working week for working fathers and mothers? I imagine for most people you are upt about 6 ish when they are little so they have a couple of hours with you then and then one or other of you is back by about 6 and depends on age of children - teenagers as well all know are often up to after midnight, after me but if they are going to have a bed time like 8 or 9pm when younger then they've about 3 hours then thus about 5 hours a day with a parent ni the working week and as this thread shows children benefit from time with others (and arguably lose out if just with one parent/mother).

There will come a point when a parent is just so awful to the child the less time the child is with it the better. P lenty of 24/7 present parents are depressed, violent, shouting and horrible to their chidlren. At the other end of the scale there will be some paretns who never see their chidlren at all which is not good eiter. Most full time working parents I have worked with for over 2 decades now whether male or female actively want to get back home to be with their children after work and at weekends.

unoriginalname · 19/08/2011 14:33

Hmm. If I went back to work I would see daughter between 7-8am and then again 5-7. That's only 3 hours a day, and much of that taken up with feeding and preparing to go out/to bed.

unoriginalname · 19/08/2011 14:33

Or 6-7 even. That's 2 hours.

pommedechocolat · 19/08/2011 14:37

Isn't a whole day at home taken up with preparing to go out/feeding with little ones?

Pixieonthemoor · 19/08/2011 14:41

OMG - your post almost made me weep for joy!! I am NOT the only one!! I would die for mine I love them so much but the frustration is almost unbearable at times. Sometimes I want to gouge my own eyeballs out with the boredom!! If a careers adviser had said to me "look here is the perfect job for you - looking after small children (with domestic chores thrown in)" I would have run screaming for the hills...yet here I am!! I just try to focus on the really great stuff - sound of their laughter, when my dd tells me I look nice, when my ds puts his little hands on my cheeks and looks into my eyes and giggles.....sigh.....best thing ever. And the worst.

minipie · 19/08/2011 15:10

"If a careers adviser had said to me "look here is the perfect job for you - looking after small children (with domestic chores thrown in)" I would have run screaming for the hills...yet here I am!!"

Just wanted to say thanks for this, Pixie, it has really helped clarify my own thinking.

traceybeaker · 19/08/2011 15:21

I would say most working parents on average do this.

7am out of bed ...get dressed...showered etc etc and eat....then do same for children out of the door to child care.

6pm home.........get evening meal....get washed get showered...do odd jobs.

little kids in bed by 7.30 -8............bigger kids 9.

Not a lot of quality time spent with the kids mon-fri.

And it does not matter what you say the above time scale says it all.

Apart from the other facts you may miss their first step or first word.......you wont potty train them in fact they will be brought up by the child minder all you do is get them out of bed and put them back in.

pommedechocolat · 19/08/2011 15:25

Traceybeaker - I have an issue. I was a sham for 7 months and now work 2 days a week.

I still missed by baby's first smile and my baby's first steps because she did them with her dad when I was out of the room. Washing bottles/having a wee.

During the week her dad has always seen her for about half an hour in the mornings and about 10 mins in the evening.

But he still got the firsts!

Go figure.

traceybeaker · 19/08/2011 15:28

but you were there a second later not stuck in the office and be told about it by text.

minipie · 19/08/2011 15:30

"you wont potty train them"

this seems to me an excellent argument for not being a sahm Grin

tracey do you believe then that WOH fathers don't bring up their children?

traceybeaker · 19/08/2011 15:36

I am not sure I understand the question.

woh.....what is that?

pommedechocolat · 19/08/2011 15:48

Work Outside the Home.

What difference does it make via text or in person?? They never do it again very quickly.

Francagoestohollywood · 19/08/2011 15:57

YANBU, when mine were at your children's age I too was exhausted and bored, despite the fact that I do like babies (though I am not a big fan of toddlers). I coped by sending them to nursery part time. Mind you, I am not English and do not have the moral hang ups you will find on MN with regards to childcare. I coped by seeing friends with children with a similar age. I coped by having a flexible routine and also by finding a translation job with flexible time.

I don't agree with Xenia that working in childcare is dull or awful though. I volunteer in a nursery at the moment, and find that it is much more fun than staying home with your children. First of all because children are much more fun when they are in a group, second because you work with other adults, sharing opinions, choosing strategies, making things etc. It is loneliness that is hard when parenting from home, imho.

pommedechocolat · 19/08/2011 16:02

Yes Franca, loneliness and the fact that with other carers children tend to be better behaved then with their mother. That's certainly what I'm finding at the moment with mine.
I feel like I truly get all the sh*t bits.

traceybeaker · 19/08/2011 16:09

I think both parents should be there at home as much as possible. Either parent will do but I think it gives a good grounding for the child, to have a parent around all the time.

I know children that go to after school clubs and they look well pissed off everyday when being shuffled over there, I am sure they would rather go home and relax in their own house. I also know children that go to summer clubs etc etc and they tell me they would rather be on the beach with their mum.

Of course many parents will miss things when their child is growing up that is a fact, but if you are around as much as possible it shortens the odds.

I find the term ''boring people get bored'' very true.

When staying at home you don't have to be in your childs face all the time....get hobbies....get friends ..do stuff.

minipie · 19/08/2011 16:19

When staying at home you don't have to be in your childs face all the time....get hobbies....get friends ..do stuff.

But if you are busy with a friend or a hobby, won't you miss things your child does? And not exactly be spending time with your children? Confused

Francagoestohollywood · 19/08/2011 16:19

Mine are now 9 and 7 and I do miss how cuddly they were when they were little and how sweet, even if I actually spent an enormous amount of time with them. I don't however remember their first smile, or the first time they walked, I am not romantic about these things and I really find it difficult to understand why people find "firsts" so important.

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