...to feel envious towards people who actually ENJOY looking after young children/babies?

[PacificDogwood]

Well, am I?

I am very lucky to have the size of family I hoped for.
So, ok, I don't go gooey at the sight of a newborn, but still kind of thought I would enjoy looking after babies/toddler/school aged children.
Not all the time, but sometimes.

I just don't.
I find it a relentless slog of repetitive nonsense, and I don't mean the washing/dressing/feeding etc, but the dealing with older kids' fighting, 3 year olds insanity temper tantrums and active 1 year old's.... well, active/climbing/teething/ 'normal' behaviour.

And I know all this will pass and I will mourn its passing.
But I still don't enjoy it.
And am envious of parents it seems to come to so much more effortlessly.
How do others cope with the total loss of control over their lives??

I never feel a tread mill. I work for myself. I work when I choose. I am often in the house (like today). I have so many good things which come from working for myself and working full time doing work I love whilst also having the family around. I'm very lucky.

I don't look down on anyone on the planet. I do think most parents find looking after a baby and toddler alone pretty dull so most of them work and I think threads like this are useful because parents can see what other parents do to ensure a nice balance in their lives and benefit their children in the process.

I agree that you need a nice balance-there is nothing worse for DCs that having a 'devoted' mother who lives just through them. You can, however, have a very exciting balance, without a high earning job. Earning peanuts on an archaeological dig or teaching people to sail can be far more fulfilling to some people. We are all different. Money comes just about bottom of my list in finding a job-it comes top with one of my DSs-does it matter?

Well, it matters in some respects exotic because with a high paying job you will be able to give your DCs options (such as private school) that you cannot give them if you have a less well paid job. Those options may not be important to you, or to your DCs. You may have access to a great state school. But for some they are important.

I would prefer to earn less and move to an area with good state schools-but then I would hate to live in London. Mine have had the widest possible choice in the state system. Had they gone to Eton they would have done the same. They are all doing what they really want to do in life-who can ask for more?

94% of children go to state schools and many do fine (although half do not get A - C in GCSEs so it depends how you define fine). I would hate to live in a country where everyone were the same, but it's a fact tha twomen and men of just about all cultures and in all times have spread babies and chidlren around fobbing them off to older siblings, grannies, holding them on boards (native indians) or whatever because they are very hard work. The suggestion in some quarters that all parents have to want to be with their baby 24/7 is not really reasonable and the process whereby the media and society and cultures tries to ensure women are forced into that when it is good for no one is wrong.

That doesn't mean I'm against breastfeeding - it has been one of the most lovely things I've done in my life along with giving birth and I'm pretty pleased with my career too.

I would agree with that Xenia, it always make me smile that 'babywearers' etc just quote the bits from primative societies that they like. They entirely miss out the fact that MIL is hugely important and that older sibling is often doing the 'babywearing' and that DCs are given lots of freedom and responsibility. Human nature is the same world over and it 'takes all sorts'. One of the worst things for a DC is to have a mother stuck at home who hates it.

sorry-should proof read -primitive

Indeed and to be fair I think when I was around my babies I probably was a "baby wearer" so I can very much understand that dynamic and desire. We often had the baby in bed etc but it certainly is much easier with lots of people around which is a more natural environment anyway. I have found having all the older children, the nanny, both parents heavily involved, the weekend morning help we used to have, the older children's friends from school all very good for the then babies. I remember my daughter at 13 was the only girl in h er class with babies and ours had all these very keen 13 year old girls coming over to give them so much attention.

The more the merrier really as in 'it takes a village.......'
Much the best for the DC if the mother does what comes naturally. I happen to love babies and toddlers-it is no better or worse-it just suited me to be at home. I also had a job I could easily go back to, it isn't always easy to get back on the career ladder.
People always seem to justify their choices by making out they are 'best' rather than 'best for them'.

Im on number 5 so my theory is you forget it all.I was looking forward to it all but had forgotten the relentless thankless slog that comes with it and having no time to yourself and hardly any sleep.
She is now six months and crawling and eyeing up my nice non baby friendly home and is dying to get her sticky paws on my shiney furniture and i am remembering that phase too.

Love this thread. Am sahm to dd of 6 mths and find it very dull and relentless. Adore her, but can't wait to go back part-time when she's one.
Everybody else seems to find it fun and easy, had convinced myself I had pnd, but this thread makes me feel normal.

Although I loved it at the time, I feel I have 'been there, done it, and got the Tshirt'-I would hate to start again. If I get to be a Grandma I don't want to do the hands on day to day stuff-just the fun, occasional, eccentric stuff!

"One of the worst things for a DC is to have a mother stuck at home who hates it." Sorry but I think most kids would prefer to have their mum around than never seeing them Monday to Friday.

There we go again-Chestnuts-generalising-one size fits all.

giraffes- you said it! "Everyone seems" to find it fun. My oldest is 18 and I remember when he was born that everyone seemed to find it fun too. Truth was we were all as much at sea as each other and all putting on a brave face. I went back to work when DS was 10 months and the only thing I regret since then is not working at all (apart from voluntary stuff) between DD1's birth until DD2 was 2, a total of 6 years at home with them. I didn't mind being at home with them and made a decent enough job of it but it was sodding hard work, and there was a LOT of cleaning involved.

We (probably) could not have afforded the childcare for 3 children- at least I didn't feel at the time that I could justify spending money we didn't have on childcare so that I could retain my marbles and a rung on my non-existent career ladder.

18 years on, I feel very differently about the whole staying at home stuck to your child 24/7 now. If I'd had a clear career plan and enough money or potential that I could have justified spending money we didn't have and getting into debt, then I would certainly have gone back after DD1's birth. It would also have helped if I hadn't had such a range of awful employers between university and DD1's birth.

"One of the worst things for a DC is to have a mother stuck at home who hates it." Sorry but I think most kids would prefer to have their mum around than never seeing them Monday to Friday.

I agree.

One of the worst things for a DC is to have a mother stuck at home who hates it

so thats NOT a generalisation

Well I would have thought that the DC would have picked up a lot of negative vibes chestnutx-it isn't what you say- it is what you do, body language-you can't tell me that a mother who hates it hides it all the DCs waking hours.
I loved it-therefore the DCs would pick up the relaxed mood and joy. Quite different. If the mother becomes depressed it is even worse. Are you really saying that every DC wants their mum there even if she is sunk into apathy or short tempered or just can't be bothered? Surely better to go out, do painting, sing songs, play with others etc and see a mum who has had a break and is happy to pay full attention for 2 hours. I can't see that as a generalisation. Being at home all the time is not for all women.

(I love MN-the only place where I can start by saying that being at home with young children beats any career and end up saying that it is better for women to have the career than be at home!)

It is all part and parcel-do what suits you. I will use the phrase that gets people's backs up- but I firmly believe -'happy mother=happy DC' (as long as the mother isn't pursuing their own interests to the detriment of the needs of the DC)

haha everyone is touchy on here at the moment,do you think we have all had enough of the school hols

I think that happy mother=happy child is a mass generalisation, used to excuse all sorts of stuff the mother does. I am touchy because I really don't care if parents work full time or stay at home. Its all up to you and your circumstances. However, there are many that deny that their decisions have a detrimental impact on their children. Depressed and abusive parents whether SAHM or a working mum will have a detrimental impact on the children.

Many young children would maximise their chance to spend time with their mothers/fathers, thats what they are programmed to be like - unless mother/father abusive, ignores them, depressed etc... Close relatives can also fill this gap, even a long term nanny. However, there is a pecking order in the kids minds why deny it.

If the mother is depressed or abusive at least the DC will have a bit of respite if she is out at work, there is no respite if she is there all the time.

It is a mother's guilt thing Chestnutx. Either way parent's justify their choice by running down the alternative. Most parents can't actually afford to have one parent at home without paid employment, they are not doing it for the 'extras'-simply to get food on the table. I realise that I was very lucky to have the choice.

It isn't about WOHM or SAHM, just someone who wants to know that it isn't odd to hate all day and everyday at home with young DCs. It isn't, it is a very lucky person who loves every stage of child development. I loved the early years but even then there are days that you have to grit your teeth, smile and not descend to a 2 yr old level, when they are being especially irritating.

Humans are very complex. Being attached to your DC in the early years doesn't guarantee a good adult relationship with your DCs and people who have always worked can have fantastic adult relationships with their DCs.
It is all down to personalities and how they rub together.
There is no magical 'right' way.

It simply isn't so that if the parents both work full time they "do not see " the child from Monday to Friday and why just refer to the mother? That's very sexist.

We worked full time. We didn't have sleeping babies. I made sure I was home to breastfeed by 6 or 6.30 in the week and then one or other of us - the parents wa slooking after the baby, 1 year old and 3 year old until bed time and with the baby well they didn't sleep so that meant one of us was up until midnight with the baby - ie by the baby had had 6 hours after work of a parent and then I'd be up to feed at 2am and 4am etc and one of us would hold the crier over a shoulder for an hour or two on a typical night and then up finally at 6am for another 2 hours and then off to work at 8. I don't see how that hour after hour of breastfeeding and holding and connecting to the baby never mind the toddlers too is not seeing a child Monday to Friday. Given children benefit from seeing other people too as well as those to whom they are bonded it is win win all round.

duchesse's points are interesting because we did it differently. We devoted 50% of each of our net pay to paying for child caer for the 3 under 5s. Ie one of us worked for nothing - we both earned the same. However I knew roll on 28 years to now I would earn a lot and so it was an investment in ensuring things ilke the ab ility to pay 5 sets of school fees and as it then transpired the ability to ensure the children don't need student loans as well as the political point which is terribly important - that women take positions of power and earn a lot and give a good example to daughters of that rather than ensuring yet another lot of chidlren grow up thinking mummy cleans and serves and daddy goes out into the big bad world and earns money.

xenia...........when your children slept through the night.

And you got home at 6pm did they stay up til midnight then or go to bed at 7 or 8?

thus you spending one or two hours with them mon to fri

Xenia makes me laugh now. And also very grateful that I can be at home with my children. I'd hate to not enjoy them enough to even want to have them with me at the weekend or on holiday. It sounds like they are just an inconvenience!

I love bringing my daughter up, and glad I will be home for no2 . Yes there are days when it is hard, and I would love to have a cleaner/help occasionally but hearing her makes me so pleased that on the whole I love my children AND want to be with them!

I find it is all phases. I work part time have a 17 month old and am 11 weeks pg.

Sometimes I love my work days more, sometimes I wish I could be a sahm. Depends what's happening at work and where dd is in development etc.

Sometimes work is good and sometimes it is crap. Sometimes being with dd is good and sometimes it is crap. At the moment it is horrific as all she does is tantrum, refuse to eat and try to bite me so currently I am with the OP and wondering how the f*ck I will manage 2.