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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to feel envious towards people who actually ENJOY looking after young children/babies?

210 replies

PacificDogwood · 16/08/2011 17:43

Sad

Well, am I?

I am very lucky to have the size of family I hoped for.
So, ok, I don't go gooey at the sight of a newborn, but still kind of thought I would enjoy looking after babies/toddler/school aged children.
Not all the time, but sometimes.

I just don't.
I find it a relentless slog of repetitive nonsense, and I don't mean the washing/dressing/feeding etc, but the dealing with older kids' fighting, 3 year olds insanity temper tantrums and active 1 year old's.... well, active/climbing/teething/ 'normal' behaviour.

And I know all this will pass and I will mourn its passing.
But I still don't enjoy it.
And am envious of parents it seems to come to so much more effortlessly.
How do others cope with the total loss of control over their lives??

OP posts:
patterns · 16/08/2011 20:54

yes yes yes i'm with you on this one. had a massive rant at DD (9) in the car today, i have made her a real spoilt brat, somehow??? she has been made to do washing up, rate she was complaining she will be doing dishes for a fortnight. DS2 is 3 and just doesn't stop talking for 14hrs a day, then eldest just going into teenage mode and have to ask everything 10 times. what's to enjoy - that kind of day today!!

so good to hear others feeling the ssame

Mishy1234 · 16/08/2011 21:32

You also have to remember OP, that the people you see who appear to be enjoying motherhood so much, often aren't! You are seeing a snapshot in time, not the whole picture.

Even friends of mine who have gladly given up their careers to be SAHM's (and are glad they did) have low points and find their children exhausting and irritating. I have been off for 1.5y with DS2 and do find it hard sometimes.

I think the trick is to still do something just for YOU, be it working or simply reading or a hobby/ Easier said than done I know.

newgirl · 16/08/2011 21:35

my two are now at school and i spend a little time with my godson each week and it is fab - the difference is time with him is no jobs and all play. It makes such a difference!

Original poster
PacificDogwood · 16/08/2011 21:35

You have no idea how relieved I am at not being alone in this!

Xenia, you've got the wrong end of the stick: I do work, in a v well paid professional job for which I trained 10+ years. And thank goodness for that!! I have just reduced my hours from 30 to 25 by choice to be able to be at home 1 further afternoon after school.

Scarlett, Sad.

OP posts:
Meglet · 16/08/2011 21:40

YANBU.

I thought I'd enjoy the baby / toddler years but I've had it up to here and will be happy when they're both at school. I do wonder if I'd have enjoyed it if XP hadn't been so nasty and un-helpful though.

My friend has an 8mo who is adorable, she doesn't answer back, or run off, or make a mess.........Hmm.

aurynne · 16/08/2011 21:41

PacificDogwood, please don't get offended or think my question is a wind-up, because I am genuinely curious: you have 4 children. If you realized you did not like looking after babies and toddlers... why did you keep having them? I can't help but thinking that you would feel much less miserable with just 1 or 2 kids.

exoticfruits · 16/08/2011 21:51

Xenia's posts always make me laugh. I love the baby, toddler stage-far more interesting than any job I can think of. I would love to know what Xenia does-I have come to the conclusion (from her posts) that it would bore me rigid.

Original poster
PacificDogwood · 16/08/2011 21:53

Grin aurynne, it takes a lot more to offend me, and fair question which I have pondered often.
I v strongly suspect you are right - life would be much easier more enjoyable with 2 (never fancied the only-child-family), but I had this deluded idea of a small pack of my offspring happily playing together in our sun-filled garden, occasionally coming in for a wholesome snack Wink.
I had a very good, long run at leading my own life before I met DH, then had recurring MCs which ment DS1 came along when I was 37. I had DS4 just before my 44th birthday, so they are close in age.

Maybe I am just too old for this lark

Mind you, if I had had my kids in my 20/30s I probably would have strangled them run away at some point.

It is just lovely to see families with several children who are well behaved, seem happy, cooperate with each other etc etc. And they do exist, but how?? And I am Envy of them.

OP posts:
Whizkidwithacrazystreak · 16/08/2011 21:53

I'm with you on this one. I have two boys 3.9yrs & 2.5yrs and I struggle every day. I called a recruitment agency a couple of days ago because it will be so much easier to go to work for a few months. First interview is on Thursday!

Original poster
PacificDogwood · 16/08/2011 21:55

newgirl, my parents say that grandchildren are the reward you get for not having killed your own children Grin.

OP posts:
Meglet · 16/08/2011 21:57

pacific I've heard that too. Grandparents get all the fun Envy.

Original poster
PacificDogwood · 16/08/2011 22:03

Meglet, so there is an whole other segment of the population I can feel envious towards Wink.

I am sure envy is not good for the soul...

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Grin
Even better:
DH will have all 4 of them all day tomorrow!

OP posts:
aurynne · 16/08/2011 22:05

Thank you for your lovely answer :). As someone with no children myself, I could not give any useful advice. But I can tell you that, as long as you keep that wonderful sense of humour you have, and are able to laugh at yourself, you will make it!

I was curious because I feel like you do in regards of children: I love playing with other people's kids and holding babies, to the extent that people always assume I have my own or are about to have them... other women, especially, are aghast when I tell them I don't want children. But if I had my own I think I would run away screaming after the first tantrum (or the first sleepless night).

Hope things get better as the kids get older. I would definitely recommend you to make use of childless aunties or friends to get a rest ;).

MrsBananaGrabber · 16/08/2011 22:07

I have 3 dc's and my DH is about to take a job which will require him to be away all week, I am fully prepared to turn into a high functioning alcoholic, I can't see any other way to cope.

Arcadie · 16/08/2011 22:14

I love you PD

You phrase it all so beautifully.

And your boys are LOVELY, charming witty and intelligent. The big two were an absolute delight and the little two SO cute. BUT DS4 has worn you down to a frazzle with his lack of sleep and eating. I'm absolutely certain that it would ALL look a lot rosier if there had been about 5 more hours sleep every night. And that will come.

PLUS you've just finished the school holidays. There's a reason why they need educating, because they're BORED SILLY otherwise and will run riot. Sure it'll calm down when they're sitting in their own classes with their own friends. Right?

I know that I probably enjoy about 60% of the parenting thing 40% of it is spent in envy of non-parents, envy of parents with older kids, envy of parents with nicely behaved younger kids. Seems perfectly natural to me :)

And again, I love you PD you're just great and have the sagest, most pragmatic views on life of anyone I know on here.

Original poster
PacificDogwood · 16/08/2011 22:14

MrsBanana, chocolate, I am telling you, good quality chocolate.

Whizkid, good luck with the interview/job search. Apart from the fact that I enjoy my job, I also go for the hot cup of tea that I drink while it is still hot and the occasional tidbit of adult conversation that goes with it.

aurynne, I always saw parenthood as a long game and didn't want to be a mother to 'have a baby', but to have a person in my life who'd grow up and keep me on my toes as there life continues and opens up.

OP posts:
Original poster
PacificDogwood · 16/08/2011 22:16
OP posts:
exoticfruits · 16/08/2011 22:18

I think that everyone is different- if we were all the same it would be very boring. 0-7yrs was my favourite, my SIL didn't like the early years but loves teenagers. It doesn't mean one is better than the other.

Beveridge · 16/08/2011 22:18

newgirl It's definitely true that being at home all day with small children is much more enjoyable when you don't have any household tasks to do. Am currently on mat leave with a 2 year old and a 4 month old and am domestically challenged at the best of times so it's not the best combination.

I need staff.

Original poster
PacificDogwood · 16/08/2011 22:33

I am living in desperate hope for nice teenagers...

The nuts and bolts of looking after young kids, don't bother me at all. Changing nappies, feeding, cooking, cleaning after spills etc is what I expected. The house is fit for human inhabitation, that's good enough for me (standards are low here Grin).

It's how it is possible to spend entire hours going from seperating combatants to picking up whinging baby who then becomes unputdownable which in turn sets the 3 year old's jealousy off which makes him kick his older brother which leads to a screaching match aaaaaargh!

OP posts:
CustardCake · 16/08/2011 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 16/08/2011 22:43

I had perfectly nice teens, I just hated being one myself and am much happier when they are through it.

MissMarjoribanks · 16/08/2011 23:00

YANBU. My DS us a delight, he really is. When he's not having a tantrum, that is. But I really do envy those who seem to find it, well, easy. I don't have that natural ability with children which means I never find myself entertaining them without really having to think about it.

I'm thinking of another, despite this so they can entertain eachother because our family seems incomplete, but I am not looking forward to the process.

Dozer · 16/08/2011 23:20

Yanbu.

NeedaCostume · 16/08/2011 23:31

YANBU.

Maybe other people don't enjoy it much either, they just hold it together in public because they feel they should.

Maybe what is tripping your insecurity is the illusion that you should love the motherhood role of caring for your home and your children. The big cultural myth (pushed by sleb mags and tv) that if you just have a baby you'll be happier than you've ever been.

Let go the illusion, accept that looking after little ones is dull and transient, and you'll tolerate it better. It is hard but I am learning to do this. Once you don't expect wiping the floor 100 times a day to make you happy, you can actually enjoy the precious little moments that are hidden in each day.