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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just got them out in front of BIL anyway?

194 replies

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 15/08/2011 07:13

DH, DS and I have just returned from a lovely holiday staying with DH's brother, SIL and their DC's.

Everyone knows I still bf DS at 2.6 so now I mostly only do it at home.

One evening we were in a restaurant after a lovely day out and DS was really cranky and tired pulling my top. I said no but I felt cruel because we had made him tired with all the days out.

I said to BIL that if he gets his milk now he will magically settle down and behave beautifully. He gave me a look as if to say "don't you dare" -so I didn't. And DS would not settle down.

Eventually my DH got sick of DS and grabbed him and marched him outside in the rain and gave him a good shouting to and kept him out for 10 minutes. When he returned (wet) DS was very subdued, he had been sobbing and scared. He was quiet but sad for the rest of the evening.

DH and I were discussing this yesterday and he said he was surprised at me that I had allowed his DB's problem to become my problem but I just didn't want it to ruin the holiday as we were staying at his house.

I am annoyed with myself for allowing him to make me feel so uncomfortable with my parenting. I feel the right thing to do would have been to give DS his milk there in the restaurant. AIBU?

OP posts:
RitaMorgan · 15/08/2011 18:51

Lots of bad behaviour in this scenario, but your BIL giving you a look is the least of it!

You shouldn't have had your ds out when it was late and he was tired and miserable
You should have fed him if it would have helped
You DH was being cruel and aggressive - and you did nothing

RitaMorgan · 15/08/2011 18:55

Most of the time I breastfeed my 1 year old isn't because he's hungry or thirsty - it's because he's tired or upset. He has a dummy too, some kids have a blanket or a teddy or even a bottle. Not sure why there is anything wrong with comforting a toddler.

Willowisp · 15/08/2011 19:33

Hello? Op doesn't have to explain anything to you

She's upset, posted on here & lots seem to think it's a free for all critising. She's on holiday. BIL was a git, Dh made a mistake. Cut some slack.

TeamDamon · 15/08/2011 20:00

To be fair, bloody stupid place to post if she wasn't looking for a robust and strongly felt reaction!

Original poster
dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 15/08/2011 21:35

Do you think that the reason we feel uncomfortable in our society with the idea of a toddler gaining comfort from a breast is to do with the sexualisation of Women's bodies?

Yes, CareyHunt. That is the conclusion I have now come to. those who object to the sight of a woman breastfeeding her toddler also object to the thought of it. My BIL did not 'see' anything when I was bfing DS on the train but I sensed he and his wife were appalled by it. I heard her say 'bitty' to him.

No one who objects can really give a valid reason WHY it makes them feel uncomfortable. I had only ever witnessed EBF at home years ago when my mum was bfing my youngest sister aged 4. All I had to say about it was Eeewwww! She's 4! (not out loud -I'd have got a clip round the ear!).

I now realise that my feelings about it were MY problem, not mum and Dsis. I had not planned to be an extended bfer as I work full time - it's just the way things turned out and I am so glad!

It has been an education for me and DH!

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 15/08/2011 21:44

As a matter of nosey curiosity how does sex work after 2.5 years b/f?

Original poster
dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 15/08/2011 21:45

We love it.

OP posts:
knobbysEx · 15/08/2011 21:50

:o) Go on DOLL! :o)

mawbroon · 15/08/2011 22:00

HOUSE

nicciaa · 15/08/2011 22:05

Have to agree with willowisp, OP was looking for some advice, and maybe to vent a little, she doesn't need to be spoken to like shes a little girl whos done something wrong. (Don't you just love these 'perfect parents' )

BIL, needs a good slap < volunteer!! lol >

ReshapeWhileDamp · 15/08/2011 22:06

'Bitty'? Hmm Dear god. Your BIL's wife should grow up.

I do accept that some people (including some of my friends and DH's family) aren't at all comfortable with extended breastfeeding. Having acertained that they aren't comfortable with it, I have continued to put my DSs' needs first. And a 2.6 yo needs comfort. Needs, not just wants. I've never brandished my breastfeeding in the face of someone whom I know isn't entirely approving, but if a very small child needs something specific from his mother, it's my job as his mother to provide it. When I was breastfeeding DS1 (until about 2.2), I viewed my breasts as parenting tools, not just nutrition.

If anyone raised an eyebrow, I'd remind them that it was part of my job description. Grin

EssexVic · 15/08/2011 22:13

In the absence of a quiet table to nurse at i would have just taken him home, it not ur LO's fault if he's tired and crancky, and certainly did not warrant a ten minute rant in ANY circumstance! Where were you on holiday? its perfeclt acceptable for mothers to nurse until their LO's are of school age in the continent, its only the narrow minded english that regard over 2's too old to nurse! i sympathise though, even certain member of my family were squemish about nursing my LO once she coudl walk & talk, its a tough call when you already feel attention is drawn to you by a little one playing up.

Original poster
dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 15/08/2011 22:18

We were on the continent. It is not only the English that are squeamish about extended bf!

OP posts:
knobbysEx · 15/08/2011 22:28

But is your BIL a repressed Englishman or a groovy, hip European? Maybe he wasn't BF as a baby....:o)

Rhinestone · 15/08/2011 22:32

Willowwisp was your comment, "Hello? Op doesn't have to explain anything to you" aimed at me because I said, "You're going to have to explain to me why your BIL gets to have any say whatsoever over something completely legal that you choose to do."

If so, have a chill pill and a Biscuit.

Think it's fairly obvious that my post was supportive of the OP - she, as the child's mother, chose to do something which is completely legal and acceptable. It is none of the BIL's business, ergo he doesn't have a say in the matter. I was trying to get the OP to think along those lines and realise she can make her own parenting choices and screw the twattish sounding BIL.

Original poster
dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 15/08/2011 22:35

BIL was a bit of a twat for not giving me his approval but I was the bigger twat for allowing it to get to me.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 15/08/2011 22:41

The moral of this story is never ask anyone elses permission to BF. Just do it.

Nagoo · 15/08/2011 22:59

On a practical note, I have found as my DD gets older it is harder to feed her discreetly as she's so bloody nosey she won't stay on!

DS weaned off BF at 10 months, but I'm not going to be back at work until DD is 13 months, and then not FT. So presumably we'll carry on BF until she stops wanting it

Do they settle down so that when they 'ask' for BF they get on with it, or does BFing a toddler involve being prepared to 'get them out'?

CareyHunt · 16/08/2011 08:46

Op, Don't be too tough on yourself. I made parenting decisions with ds1 I wouldn't make now. You learn stuff, you get tougher, and you get so sleep deprived you lose all awareness of people giving you dirty looks!

No long term damage has been done! Smile (Except possibly to your relationship with BIL!)

Dagoo, IME of feeding older children you are able to reason with them a bit. You can say 'If you want booby sit quietly and do it properly, if not have a cup of water and a cuddle.' ( Grin at the expression of disgust some people will have after reading that).

As for sex after BFing for a long time, I have been either pregnant or BFing for the last 13 years. Our sex life is great! Grin I think the hormonal thing that can suppress sexual desire wears off fairly quickly, and while night feeds are tiring enough to put anyone off a bit, even if FF. Once those are out of the way, everything is as good as ever.

cornflakegirl · 16/08/2011 09:34

Nagoo - I fed DS1 until he was about 3.9. From about 11 months, that was just morning and evening - I would sometimes offer to calm him down if he was hurt or similar, but he was never interested. Towards the end he would sometimes forget to have milk and occasionally it would be a couple of days between feeds.

DS2 is completely different. He asks for milk a lot more, and if I'm carrying him, he'll often stick his hand down my top (which I tolerate as long as he's not fiddling with my nipple). For quite a while, he would demand milk as soon as I got in from work - even if he had been in the middle of tea - but for the last couple of months (he's now nearly 2) he's been fine with just having milk twice a day. He does still ask for milk more often, but will accept it when I say no (although he does say "ohhhh" in a very cute disappointed voice). I will give him extra feeds if he's upset, or if we've messed about with his routine.

So it's really up to you and your child as to how you make a natural term feeding relationship work.

Willowisp · 16/08/2011 13:59

Rhinestone, I'm drink tequila beer, no chill pill required. And no biscuit either thanks.

Might want to reread your posts if you think that comment was "supportive"

Changing2011 · 16/08/2011 17:54

Balsam...truly the voice of reason.

Toddlers don't NEED breast milk, they won't die without it! This is purely a comfort issue which would have been better handled by removing him from a tiring and unfamiliar situation.

RitaMorgan · 16/08/2011 18:08

Toddlers don't NEED cuddles, comfort toys, blankets etc either.

rainbowinthesky · 16/08/2011 18:12

Horrible thread title. I agree with others who say your mistake was asking permission. I'd have fed especially considering their earlier ignorant comments. Lots of people will always disagree with bf at any age. I cant say I would allow people who are pretty illinformed on teh topic of natural term breastfeeding decide how long I bf for.

Knackeredmother · 16/08/2011 22:18

'toddlers don't NEED cuddles'
Rita, was that a joke? Did I miss something? ?