Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just got them out in front of BIL anyway?

194 replies

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 15/08/2011 07:13

DH, DS and I have just returned from a lovely holiday staying with DH's brother, SIL and their DC's.

Everyone knows I still bf DS at 2.6 so now I mostly only do it at home.

One evening we were in a restaurant after a lovely day out and DS was really cranky and tired pulling my top. I said no but I felt cruel because we had made him tired with all the days out.

I said to BIL that if he gets his milk now he will magically settle down and behave beautifully. He gave me a look as if to say "don't you dare" -so I didn't. And DS would not settle down.

Eventually my DH got sick of DS and grabbed him and marched him outside in the rain and gave him a good shouting to and kept him out for 10 minutes. When he returned (wet) DS was very subdued, he had been sobbing and scared. He was quiet but sad for the rest of the evening.

DH and I were discussing this yesterday and he said he was surprised at me that I had allowed his DB's problem to become my problem but I just didn't want it to ruin the holiday as we were staying at his house.

I am annoyed with myself for allowing him to make me feel so uncomfortable with my parenting. I feel the right thing to do would have been to give DS his milk there in the restaurant. AIBU?

OP posts:
Morloth · 15/08/2011 09:09

Fine with me if you relocate, it doesn't matter what people get up to.

You are quite right as long as people don't want an actual law people can think and say whatever they like. As can I.

In the OP I did actually say that the BIL is the least to blame for the situation. The parents had the capacity to avoid the little boy getting into the state he did and let what they thought other people wanted trump what their kid needed which was to either BFd or possibly go home to bed.

Tantrums happen, they are unavoidable sometimes, but if you can do something about them, you should.

But everyone fucks up sometimes.

Morloth · 15/08/2011 09:11

I am not pissed off, I am bored.

I have blisters all over my feet because I didn't break my new runners in properly before competing in a half marathon, then I compounded my day by getting dental work done so my mouth is numb and I have taken some rather wonderful painkillers for the tendons in my knee.

I have crashed out on the lounge whilst DH deals with the kids, so I have nothing better to do than piss about on MN.

seeker · 15/08/2011 09:12
toniguy · 15/08/2011 09:13

I think some posters are spectacularly missing the point that this isn't just about whether other people are offended at the sight of breasts (incidentally there's no need to flash your breasts when feeding anyway). The problem to 'me is the op has created a situation where the 2 and half yr old cannot settle or be happy without comfort feeding. This is incredibly limiting for the child and the family. What does the father do when he's out alone with his son? Shout and get annoyed probably. I'm not excusing his behaviour in the restaurant- but perhaps its borne out of frustration at feeling disempowered to deal with his son being overtired and unhappy.

Finally- don't take toddlers out to restaurants when they are clearly needing their bed!

MissyBrookes · 15/08/2011 09:14

Although i don't disagree with feeding a toddler breastmilk if thats what you wish to do, i think its a little off to whip a boob out and feed a walking, talking child in a public place.

I think as soon as they can start with the "mummy can i suck your boobies" (which i witnessed the other week ) it might be an idea to start feeding breastmilk from the bottle at least. I am in no way againsed a toddler drinking breastmilk, far from it, each to their own etc, but i don't think its too much to ask those who choose to continue well into childhood to express into a bottle just for when out in a restaurant, at a wedding, enjoying a party etc etc.

I do think it was unreasonable though, given the fact you didn't have this option that you didnt feed your child and then the poor boy got told off for it. Your BIL was a bit twattish too by the sounds of things although i can understand his discomfort. I find toddlers with teeth and speech and everything sucking on a boob really off putting anyway, nevermind in the middle of dinner.

At least now in hindsight you can tell your BIL where to go, and maybe take your son off to the nearest toilet for a feed in private or something.

biddysmama · 15/08/2011 09:15

where are all these breasts supposedly on show when a women breastfeeds? im very discreet and since op is nursing a toddler she probably is aswell as shes had plenty of practice Hmm

Scorpette · 15/08/2011 09:16

Thank you, toniguy, I was only trying to point out that at 2.6 there should be other ways to calm him down as well as BFing. No problem still doing it at that age, but a wider calming repertoire would benefit everyone, that's all. I meant it to read that that he should be learning that there are other ways to BE calmed (ie his parents' job) not calming himself, sorry. Am BFing and typing at same time!

Morloth · 15/08/2011 09:17

DH has different methods than me for dealing with the kids.

For DS2 I might BFd, I might cuddle etc.

DH would probably try a game, or pulling a funny face, or some other distraction. When DS2 is out with DH without me he obviously doesn't expect to be BFd if he gets upset.

biddysmama · 15/08/2011 09:18

what alot of ignorance on this thread :(

if my daughter was cranky and tired then breastfeeding would calm her quickly, she can calm herself but bf is faster which is what you want in public so i dont think the op meant that it was the only way, just that it was the best way?

Morloth · 15/08/2011 09:19

But why MisseyBrookes? Why is it a problem?

Lady1nTheRadiator · 15/08/2011 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

biddysmama · 15/08/2011 09:19

and to suggest feeding in the toilets instead of upsetting people that shouldnt be looking.... really??

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 15/08/2011 09:24

This isn't about BFing. It's about the OP allowing the BIL to make her feel uncomfortable, and the DH being a total arsehole. OP, you seem to have low confidence. I'd work on that.

alistron1 · 15/08/2011 09:25

If your toddler used a dummy for comfort would you let someone dictate to you whether to use it or not? Next time just get 'em out Grin

PrettyCandles · 15/08/2011 09:30

Your dh WBVU if he also thought you should have bfd ds, but instead shouted at ds. What was he doing if not trying to accommodate BIL's neurosis?

Next time bf your ds, and next time dh should stand up for what he knows is right.

(BTW YABU by using the expression "to get them out". Gross, vulgar, and untrue.)

BunnyWunny · 15/08/2011 09:38

But most 2 and a 1/2 year olds are not breast fed and don't still have milk in bottles either. What do their parents do when their dcs are cranky and tired in a restaurant? I doubt they take them outside and shout at them in the rain for 10 minutes- there are other ways and means!

EauRouge · 15/08/2011 09:38

So... sometimes toddlers 'only' need BF for comfort, not milk, and it's acceptable for men's nipples to be seen in public. Next time 2.10yo DD1 needs settling I shall ask DH to BF her, that ought not to offend anyone. Problem solved!

MissBeehiving · 15/08/2011 09:40

The BFing in public is a secondary issue (can't see the problem with feeding a toddler at a restaurant or anywhere else in public really). BIL should mind his own business.

The more worrying thing is why anyone would think that taking a 2.6 yo outside in the rain to shout at him for being tired was a good idea?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 15/08/2011 09:45

I disagree about mens nipples. I don't think anyone would find it acceptable for a man to waft his nipples about in a restaurant. It would be most odd. Unless you're in a Wetherspoons. Then no one would bat an eyelid. Probably.

ShoutyHamster · 15/08/2011 09:47

Aurynne - the most disappointing series of posts I have ever seen from you.

Get bloody educated.

Whatmeworry · 15/08/2011 09:48

Given that they were staying with BIL I think some options eg going home were not possible, and I don' t blame DH too much - a cranky 2 y/o is bad news at the best of times, spoiling a meal with your hosts is not the best of times, and a child that wants a breast is probably not going to respond to DHs sweetness and reason for very long.

In my opinion the " best" thing was OP should have stepped up and gone somewhere private to b/f. DH should have strongly urged her to do so and cleared way with BIL.

But for whatever reasons that didnt happen, everyone makes parenting mistakes and sometimes you just have to recover.

I doubt the child will be scarred for life because DH ticked him off in the rain, DHs action ensured the meal was not miserable, which for manners and consideration alone for his hosts he had to do ( and probably if they ever wanted to be invited again anytimecsoon), so I do think it's a bit rich of the OP to whinge after the fact.

And I think it's time to wean the child now....

TeamDamon · 15/08/2011 09:48

I think BIL was the least at fault here, as others have said. OP, if you're breastfeeding a 2.6 yr old, that's your choice - so, why the big deal about whether to do it or not on this occasion? If it's a choice you are comfortable with, why are you being such a drama queen about actually getting on and doing it?

And yes, DH shouldn't have shouted at your DS in the rain, but how come it's his fault that you didn't feed your DS at the table? As far as I can see from your OP, he didn't say anything at all. What do you need - a cheer squad to encourage you each time you feed? BIL didn't even say anything - just looked at you!

This seems to be all 'poor you' when I actually agree with your DH - why are you so uber-sensitive to everyone else's feelings except your poor DS's?

EauRouge · 15/08/2011 09:52

"And I think it's time to wean the child now...."

How bloody rude. It's entirely the OP's business when she weans and I hope she makes her own decision and is not influenced by ignorant opinions of strangers who feel 'uncomfortable'.

BeaWheesht · 15/08/2011 09:56

I'd have bf but I can see why you didn't and I'm sorry that you felt that way.

You bil is ignorant but didn't actually say anything did he?

Your dh is a twat and a cruel one at that or at least he was acting like one that night. Why did you let him do that? I'd have brought ds back in and definitely had words with dh.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 15/08/2011 09:57

I'll be honest, toddlers bfing is an odd sight in my opinion. BUT before I get shot down, I think:

  • your BIL was a tosser
  • your DH was horrible to your DS and unsupportive of you
  • you have the right to parent in whatever way you find appropriate, whenever

You should have ignored your BIL and his 'look' (how dare he, by the way?) and asked the staff if there was somewhere you could go to bf.

And agree with EauRouge, when you wean is up to you.