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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just got them out in front of BIL anyway?

194 replies

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 15/08/2011 07:13

DH, DS and I have just returned from a lovely holiday staying with DH's brother, SIL and their DC's.

Everyone knows I still bf DS at 2.6 so now I mostly only do it at home.

One evening we were in a restaurant after a lovely day out and DS was really cranky and tired pulling my top. I said no but I felt cruel because we had made him tired with all the days out.

I said to BIL that if he gets his milk now he will magically settle down and behave beautifully. He gave me a look as if to say "don't you dare" -so I didn't. And DS would not settle down.

Eventually my DH got sick of DS and grabbed him and marched him outside in the rain and gave him a good shouting to and kept him out for 10 minutes. When he returned (wet) DS was very subdued, he had been sobbing and scared. He was quiet but sad for the rest of the evening.

DH and I were discussing this yesterday and he said he was surprised at me that I had allowed his DB's problem to become my problem but I just didn't want it to ruin the holiday as we were staying at his house.

I am annoyed with myself for allowing him to make me feel so uncomfortable with my parenting. I feel the right thing to do would have been to give DS his milk there in the restaurant. AIBU?

OP posts:
DumSpiroSpero · 15/08/2011 09:59

Your DH has got a bloody cheek - he doesn't back you up at the time, yet blames you for the situation afterwards? Hmm

I think you need to have words with him tbh.

Gincognito · 15/08/2011 10:05

God these threads are so depressing. :( As if the world is full of aggressive, exhibitionist breast feeders. As if we are the problem Hmm

On the upside though, I have just developed a MASSIVE crush on Morloth. Except for the half marathon bit. That's just wrong. On a visceral, primeval level :o

PrettyCandles · 15/08/2011 10:06

The irony of it is that had the OP taken her ds onto her lap for a cuddle, she could probably have bfd him very discreetly and nobody except her dh would have known. The others would probably have assumed that the LO had dozed off on his mummy's lap.

Morloth · 15/08/2011 10:09

My feet agree Gincognito I didn't even know you could get a blister that results in your toenail actually floating.

Now that is gross and I promise to not get my floating toenail out in a restuarant.

Original poster
dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 15/08/2011 10:46

My apologies for the ridiculous thread title!

I am just trying to get my head around why I made this mistake. It was the first time I had been to the country where BIL and his family live and the first time I had spent any proper time with them.

If I had been at a restaurant at home with company I am used to and DS was pulling my top relentlessly I would have bf him right there. I don't 'get them out' but if anyone on another table notices they mind their own business as I mind mine.

As I was his guest, I felt I needed BIL's approval to bf as DS was tugging away at my top. Unfortunately, it backfired and he disapproved. I had heard him say something about it being weird to his DW the previous day when he noticed me bf DS on the train.

As for the overstretched nipple??? Where was that? I wish I could see other mums bf without hiding away in shame. I only ever see people bottle feeding their babies in public.

OP posts:
MrsFlittersnoop · 15/08/2011 10:47

OP, I know this is MN and I fully expect to be shot down in flames but the honest truth is it is VERY VERY unusual to see a toddler being breastfed in public in this country, and I speak as a big BF supporter. You can't change peoples attitudes overnight but in the short term, if you want to continue doing what's best for your child in the face of general disapproval, you really are going to have to find some better coping strategies.

I would suggest you develop your assertiveness skills and a thicker skin. You could have ignored your BIL, or simply spoken to a member of staff requesting somewhere quiet to sit and BF. The staff would probably have bent over backwards to accommodate you - there are few things they hate more than a screaming inconsolable child in a busy restaurant.

(Disclaimer : -I BF DS for 20 months - this was 15 years ago when it was very unusual to BF for such a long period. None of my contemporary (mostly 30-something middle-class) friends BF past 12 months.)

MrsFlittersnoop · 15/08/2011 10:50

Cross post - didn't realise you weren't in this country! It must have been a really awkward situation. I remember how uncomfortable I felt BF in public sometimes, but no-one EVER commented or said anything untoward, so I never let it stop me!

Ephiny · 15/08/2011 11:01

I might find it a bit...unusual to see a child of that age being breastfed, and can't imagine doing it myself, but wouldn't be offended or 'disapproving' about someone else doing it. None of my business really.

If you felt that it was appropriate to feed him at that time, I think you should just have done it and not worried about anyone's permission or approval. I see what you mean about being BILs 'guest'. But guest or not, you wouldn't feel you needed his approval before giving DS milk in a bottle, would you?

Agree your DH could have been more supportive.

TheMonster · 15/08/2011 11:05

Is there not another way your child can be settled? He's hardly a baby anymore.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 15/08/2011 11:09

Wow, I just can't wait to bf this baby if this is the reaction of other mothers. No fucking wonder this country struggles so much with it Hmm

TheMonster · 15/08/2011 11:21

I hope you won't swear while you're breastfeeding Grin

Whatmeworry · 15/08/2011 11:27

How bloody rude. It's entirely the OP's business when she weans

True, but if it is starting to cause difficult situations that cannot easily be coped with then life is telling you something. I also think the DH should have some say in when to wean btw.

knobbysEx · 15/08/2011 11:27

Not read all posts yet, but am jumping in with my two penn'orth. You were BU to ignore your DS's needs there and then, and to give a flying FUCK what your BIL thought (though you may have misinterpreted his look.....? He didn't actually SAY don't you dare....) And you DH was BU to take DS outside and SHOUT at him for being tired and cranky! You would NOT BU if you were to petition for divorce on this instance alone! :o) I think your DH should have supported you to BF in front of his DB. EVERYONE would have been happier, with the POSSIBLE exception of BIL, but who gives a...?

skybluepearl · 15/08/2011 11:30

you should have fed him at the table - it's really non of your BIL business and anyway he would quikly get over it I'm sure

knobbysEx · 15/08/2011 11:30

I don't think DH should have a say in when to wean. It's DS and Doll's decision. When they are ready, they are ready, and that's that.

knobbysEx · 15/08/2011 11:45

aurynne I think you must be looking VERY closely to have spotted a NIPPLE! I BF my ds til he was 3.5yo and can sympahise with OP as to wanting a "go ahead, I'm fine with it" with extended BF in public. Though I wouldn't have put ANYONE'S wishes before those of my DS. At least now you now how to handle the same sort of situation better next time. We all live and learn, and I NEVER know the right thing to say and do at the time! Have you had a word with DH and made sure HE knows how to handle it next time too?

belgo · 15/08/2011 11:45

knobbyex- in principle I agree with you; in practise it is very difficult to ignore the opinions of the person you live with.

knobbysEx · 15/08/2011 11:58

toniguy

The OP has CREATED a situation where the 2 and half yr old cannot settle or be happy without comfort feeding. This is incredibly limiting for the child

What a TERRIBLE mother! MY GOD!!!

Pretty sure that ds HAS other ways of soothing himself when out with DH/other family members, but when Mummy and milk is there, that's what the child wants!
Jesus!

Blindcavesalamander · 15/08/2011 12:13

Dear op,
It did go horribly wrong and your husband could certainly have been more supportive and my sympathies to you, but I think, to be positive, you can view this as a learning experience and, having tried the way the men in your life directed you into allowing (chastising your child instead of b feeding him) you can now be confident that your method is happier and all together better in every way, and if a similar experience comes up you can calmly and strongly support your little boy so that he gets the good care that you are happy to give him. Also, in posting this problem you are sharing your experience with others and possibly helping them to feel confident, brave and supported if they want to b f a child in public. I loved b feeding my two girls and because I was relaxed and confident about it I delighted in trying to make sure I didn't hide away (not going out of my way to expose, but just not feeling I had a reason to be embarrassed) so as to help 'normalise' was is actually perfectly normal, just not seen as so. I am sorry there were no other mums doing the same thing at the same time, so you wouldn't have felt unusual. Your little boy was tired and cranky, as young children often are, and if b feeding mothers aren't going to be suffer some kind of curfew after five or six o clock (or at nap times) then we all have a duty, I believe, to help them feel safe and comfortable feeding their children in the way that suits them best.

Balsam · 15/08/2011 12:41

If you're going to long-term BF, then I imagine you will find the number of people disapproving will increase directly in line with your child's age. So you need to grow your skin thicker accordingly.

I think some people really have a problem with acknowledging something being controversial for others - you may BF as long as you like but what's so bad about acknowledging that others may have a problem? Doesn't make them (or you) right. Doesn't mean you have to stop doing it. But it does mean everyone could get along better.

When I was BF mine, I would happily whip them out in front of my NCT group, stay in the room but cover up with friends & family and leave the room for my elderly father and FIL. Because I'm considerate of their feelings and it cost me nothing.

The correct mindset in my book is 'Well, I'm doing this and it's what I want but it might be uncomfortable for others so therefore I'm not going to rub their faces in it.'

petitepeach · 15/08/2011 12:55

The voice of reason Balsam Smile

cornflakegirl · 15/08/2011 13:02

I sympathise with you. I'm feeding DS2 who is nearly 2, and I try to restrict his daytime feeds (personal choice). But recently we've been on holiday with friends, and mucking his naps about etc, so he did get more feeds than normal - it seemed like a reasonable compromise. The friends we were with didn't bat an eyelid - but if we'd been with my FIL, he would have been really uncomfortable. I think I would have probably tried to find a way to do it so that BIL didn't have to watch, but still done it, because as you say, it works, and sometimes the alternative is just unpleasantness that could so easily be avoided.

dementedma · 15/08/2011 13:14

"Sadly, some people will feel odd about it. You have to accept that they are wrong"

of course they are wrong. They hold a different opinion to you so therefore they must be wrong Hmm

porcamiseria · 15/08/2011 14:05

I think your BIL acted badly, even though I am not very comfy with BF of toddlers I would never stop someone from doing it

GwendolineMaryLacey · 15/08/2011 14:23

So the way forward is to work on changing the mindset of people who find it odd, to normalise it, not pander to them. People can claim they find anything odd or weird, where do you draw the line?

It makes me uncomfortable to see a gay couple, so they should be considerate of my feelings and not walk round hand in hand. It doesn't of course, in case that needs clarifying, but you see what I'm getting at? Who decides which normal, natural thing is offensive and needs to stop or is ok and people have to get used to it?