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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have just got them out in front of BIL anyway?

194 replies

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 15/08/2011 07:13

DH, DS and I have just returned from a lovely holiday staying with DH's brother, SIL and their DC's.

Everyone knows I still bf DS at 2.6 so now I mostly only do it at home.

One evening we were in a restaurant after a lovely day out and DS was really cranky and tired pulling my top. I said no but I felt cruel because we had made him tired with all the days out.

I said to BIL that if he gets his milk now he will magically settle down and behave beautifully. He gave me a look as if to say "don't you dare" -so I didn't. And DS would not settle down.

Eventually my DH got sick of DS and grabbed him and marched him outside in the rain and gave him a good shouting to and kept him out for 10 minutes. When he returned (wet) DS was very subdued, he had been sobbing and scared. He was quiet but sad for the rest of the evening.

DH and I were discussing this yesterday and he said he was surprised at me that I had allowed his DB's problem to become my problem but I just didn't want it to ruin the holiday as we were staying at his house.

I am annoyed with myself for allowing him to make me feel so uncomfortable with my parenting. I feel the right thing to do would have been to give DS his milk there in the restaurant. AIBU?

OP posts:

Takitezee · 15/08/2011 07:58

You would not have been unreasonable but I can see why you hesitated when it's a toddler needing comfort rather than a small baby needing food.

I would also be a put out by your husband saying he was surprised. If he had preferred you would go along that route to comfort your ds then he should have said so at the time.

Original poster

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 15/08/2011 07:59

We were on a quiet table in the corner. There was no better place than that. Of course I am not OK with my DH's approach to this. But I am so annoyed with myself for allowing it for NO good reason.

OP posts:

raspberryroop · 15/08/2011 07:59

Whatmeworry - ''forced dh's hand' - - what shit ! regardless of your views on EBF (which are crap IMO) - she did not say ''look take ds outside and abuse him a bit for me will you.'' SHE is responsible for letting the BF side down and not going to get her son as soon as she reaslised what was happening - her husband is resonsible for the abuse of a small child and her BIL is an ass.

Lady1nTheRadiator · 15/08/2011 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorzselMummage · 15/08/2011 08:00

If I were you and bil had given me a 'don't you dare look' about feeding my own child i'd have done it absolutly brazenly then and at every given opportunity thereafter just to piss him off. What a twat.

Why didn't your dh stick up for you?

strandednomore · 15/08/2011 08:07

I'm not going to enter into the bf'ing debate as that is (or should be) totally between you and your ds. BUT perhaps you should look at this another way. If your ds was so cranky, maybe it was too late for him to be out? What time was it? Some children are better than others at staying out late - mine aren't particularly so I prefer to eat earlier and get them to bed rather than have them whinging all through a meal, better for everyone really. I hate seeing parents out in the evening with unhappy children just because they don't want their lives to change just because they've had children (etc).

However I apologise if this is not the case and the meal was actually taking place at 6pm or whatever!

biddysmama · 15/08/2011 08:13

i never ask permisson to bf, it gives people a chance to say no. i tandem my 2.5 year old and 11 month old (and 16 weeks pg) and im used to the looks and i dont care!

your husband shouldnt have shouted at your little one for completely normal behaviour?

girlywhirly · 15/08/2011 08:22

I think that your DH and BIL are as bad as each other. DH should have supported you. If it bothered BIL so much he could have taken him off to the bar for a drink while you fed DS.

I doubt that you will ever feel comfortable around BIL again, even when you have stopped breast feeding, a situation of both their making.

The way I read your post sounds as though DS is dependent on a breast feed to soothe himself. Would it be an idea to consider other methods to teach him to self - soothe? Is the fact that DH feels DS should have stopped breast feeding by now the reason for his ill treatment of his son?

Whatmeworry · 15/08/2011 08:23

Raspberry - abuse of a small child?

[rolls eyes emoticon and reckoning well be on the "he's an abusive bastard, leave him" track by page 3 : ]

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 15/08/2011 08:27

DH and I were discussing this yesterday and he said he was surprised at me that I had allowed his DB's problem to become my problem

Wait, so your husband's position is that it was your fault that he screamed at his son for ten minutes in the pouring rain?

CareyHunt · 15/08/2011 08:27

Well, IMO your husband was being a bit of an arse. If he thought you should have fed ds why on earth didn't he say that at the time? Why didn't he stand up for you in front of BIL? If he felt that you should have BF ds, he is obviously aware that ds was not being naughty or unreasonable so why the hell did he tell the poor little thing off in the rain?

I also think you were being unreasonable for not intervening. You obviously don't think it was right to tell DS off, so why did you not go out there and say 'do you know what, I'll just feed him'? Or even 'he's obviously tired, I'll take him home'? Also, you have made the choice to BF for a long time (one which I fully support, am bfing a 4 year old myself). Sadly, some people will feel odd about it. You have to accept that they are wrong, and focus on your relationship with your child.

It was a choice between BIL, a grown man, feeling mildly uncomfortable while he eats in a restaurant, and a child being needlessly upset. BIL would lose out every time for me. Surely the whole 'ds getting shouted at in the rain' situation was more uncomfortable than someone bfing a child under their jumper?

Also...WTF is BIL doing giving you a 'don't you dare' look?. Why on earth are you paying any attention to him?

CareyHunt · 15/08/2011 08:29

Just to add to my rant . I think your husband is totally passing the buck after HE shouted at ds. He is making it look as if he shouted because you didn't feed ds. Bollocks. He made a choice and he is responsible for his own behaviour.

Morloth · 15/08/2011 08:30

Shrug I feed wherever DS2 and I happen to be and it seems necessary.

I wouldn't have said anything about it at all, just cuddled him up and fed him.

All the adults are at fault here, but the BIL the least.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 15/08/2011 08:31

I'd have been more upset with your DH marching your DS outside in the rain to shout at him personally. I would never let anyone do that with my DC. Mean, counterproductive and utterly pointless.

Scorpette · 15/08/2011 08:35

At 2.6, your son should be learning ways to calm himself down. BFing being the only way to do it isn't helping him and letting his dad reprimand him until he's so upset he goes quiet is totally wrong. A tiny child being tired and cranky is not doing anything wrong and shouldn't be punished for it. When the reaction to his needs and emotions is either the ultimate in loving comfort OR angry, rejecting punishment, it's very confusing for a child, very unfair on him and you need a middle way.

belgo · 15/08/2011 08:37

'At 2.6, your son should be learning ways to calm himself down'

are you serious? Have you never heard of the terrible twos?

AuntiePickleBottom · 15/08/2011 08:41

i would of just told BIL to go to the bar if he felt uncomfortable.

aurynne · 15/08/2011 08:44

Although I know this is very controversial, you asked for opinions and here is mine: I am very happy with a baby being breastfed, I actually find it very tender. But a 2-and-a-half year old would put me right off my food. And yes, I have seen some... hanging off an incredibly stretched nipple in plain view. Not a good sight.

Regardless whether it is justified or accepted, this is the same reaction it will get from many other people. In my opinion, a restaurant is not the right place to breastfeed a toddler. As other poster said, if he was tired and cranky, it was probably too late for him to be out in a restaurant.

Whatmeworry · 15/08/2011 08:45

are you serious? Have you never heard of the terrible twos?

Judging by most peoples' pious opinions on this thread I have now assumed only my spawn of the devil DCs behaved like little brats badly in restaurants at that age and sometimes needed a stern talking to a bit more than motherly love and affection.

CareyHunt · 15/08/2011 08:46

I would have told BIL to get fucked if he felt uncomfortable.

toniguy · 15/08/2011 08:46

Agree with stranded that it's unfair to take overtired and cranky toddlers out in the evening to restaurants anyway. Unfair on them and on other customers. Sounds like a bad call.

I also agree with scorpettes point. I think she is saying that if a 2 and a half yr old child relies ONLY on bf to be able to be settled and calm, it's actually very limiting for the child. What happens if he's out with dad and gets tired and cranky? Must be very hard on the other parent in those situations . I bf fairly long term, but would have been worried if it was on the level of dependency described here.

And I'm another one who finds the thread title a bit

aurynne · 15/08/2011 08:47

Whatmeworry, is that always your reaction to a friend or relative being uncomfortable with something you do? Lovely!

Morloth · 15/08/2011 08:47

You are quite entitled to that opinion aurynne and I am quite entitled to not actually take your opinion into account when deciding whether or not to BFd my toddler.

It just doesn't matter what other people think, the kid needs fed, the kid gets fed.

CareyHunt · 15/08/2011 08:50

Nipples...in PLAIN SIGHT

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 15/08/2011 08:50

It's wring that your dh is now making this your issue. He should not have taken him outside and told him off it would have confused him. But to then turn round and blame you is out of order, he should have supported you at the time.

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