AIBU as a father to expect to take my 2 1/2 year old daughter away for the weekend?

[Rob92004]

I would like to to take my 2 1/2 year old daughter to stay with my brother, his wife and their 4, 6 & 8 year old children for a weekend.
My wife will not let me take her claiming she is too sensitive and I cannot care for her properly (We have been married 7 years, and I am 44 fit and healthy!)
All opinions appreciated! Thanks.

An orderly queue is forming here with several single mothers who would like you to take their DC's with you too. Suggest you do not let on where you live

Your children have a smallish age gap so probably could do most things together, but really once you have more than one child it benefits everyone if they get farmed out separately once in a while so your wife would benefit from getting used to it. Otherwise you limit what can be done. I'm sure your 2 year old would love to see her cousins and have some time where she's not second to the baby (because she will be at the moment - there isn't much choice about that with a newborn). My kids really love getting together with their cousins, going to bed too late, sleeping all in the same room etc etc

In our case it's us with the messy unhoovered house but the cousins seem to survive. :)

I hardly think you can compare giving/ not giving the MMR vaccine to one parent wanting a weekend with his child!!

Anyway, the wife has the choice to go too. She doesn't want to. She also wants to control whether or not her husband goes. Thats not reasonable adult behaviour.

Yanbu of course, however I have read plenty on mn of women who don't trust the father of their child to look after them. :(

Of course I imagine the overwhelming majority of responses will be from women like me who share parenting.

Also can't believe your abilities as a parent are being brought into question! Rob, you can take your child away for the weekend. YANBU. Your wife is being a bit silly and overprotective. Tell I said you could go.

I am quite amazed at the number of women on MN who think they are the only person who can be trusted to look after their DC, in some cases they may have cause, but not when it is the DCs father and the man they live with!

'She thinks the house is a tip and not suitable for a 3 month old'

tells me all I need to know, she's a bit over protective cautious.

YANBU

I'm actually tempted to suggest the op treats his wife the same as shes treating him. Next time she tells him her plans for the day- taking the children to visit a friend, or to the park etc, perhaps he should put his foot down and say he doesn't want her to go. Never mind that he'll be at work anyway, or busy doing other things- he just doesn't want her taking her Children out. Maybe a taste of her own medicine will make her see sense!

OP - your wife is BU and controlling. But I don't think this is unusual and I feel for her.

I had to almost tie my hands behind my back to stop me phoning DH every hour the first time he had DD on his own for the whole weekend. Same when my parents first had DD overnight. Same when DH had DD for 4 days whilst I was overseas with work. And when I had to go away for the weekend for my best friends wedding when DS was only 4mo, and left him with my parents, I nearly imploded with stress and control freakery!!! (sounds like I live the life of riley, but the reason I was so stressed was because these were the only times I had left the DCs).

But, as a result of these situations I learnt that SHOCK HORROR I wasn't the only person in the entire world who could care for my our children!!!!!

Go for one night, humour your wife's control freakery if you can, and have a good time. It will be good for you both.

I think that is a great idea toniguy. When she is out and about tell her that you don't want her to take DD as she is 'too sensitive' or that you put your foot down about going to a house with older DCs as DD is sure to put a small piece of lego in her mouth and choke and DW won't be paying attention.

I should just show her this thread.

well, although there are parents out there i imagine who can be trusted to do the job as part of a partnership but not alone for any extended period of time, i don't see that's an issue in this case.

is she still BF the 2 yo? is that why?

If you go on to have a third believe me she will farm any of them out to anyone

We've only got the one, and DP was over the moon when I took DD on holiday on my own. Most parents I know would give their right arm for a weekend with no/less children.

well, if you can manage to take her away for the day and to the swimming pool, it should be ok.

what are the rreasons that dw does not want you to go? how messy is this house?

Clam makes a good point about people's judgements of what is 'a tip' being very subjective. I would genuinely describe my house this way as it is, ahem, very chaotic but I know people who have applied this description to their house when there is some washing on a clothes horse, two used coffee cups on the side and a couple of magazines on the sofa. So it's hard to know what standards are being used.

OP - if you do actually 'get' to do the weekend - or, as I and some others suggested, maybe a 1 night stay as a compromise - then what I would also say is: if bedtime doesn't go that swimmingly and your DD takes a while to settle, or she won't eat the food she's given etc, then don't take that as a sign that your wife was right and you shouldn't have done it. Your DD may well take it all in her stride, but some kids do get unsettled in new situations too - but they'll learn to adapt. Either way, as long as she is physically safe and eats something and gets some sleep she'll be fine.

It all depends on the context, I would try to get my ex to bond with our son and when he was out of work I'd leave him with a bathed, fed, happy son to look after, 10 minutes after I left the house for work he would have the baby with the childminder. He just did not want to know. He hadn't changed a nappy, fed a bottle, bathed him nothing.

He could boil his head when son was little before I'd let him have him for a weekend.

If you are hands on then your wife needs some help in separating herself from the child. If you are like my ex and a useless feckwit, which you have said you are not, then no if you can't cope you shouldn't take the child away.

Its one of those where from what you've posted your wife IBU but without both sides it's hard to judge.

Playing devil's advocate for a moment - my DH was happy to let our daughter have MMR and I wasn't - does that mean he should have ridden roughshod over my feelings and concerns? I think not

Sounds like he should have actually.... Take heart from that OP :)

I think everyone's missing the point about the DD being 2.5 and sensitive. Has she been away overnight before? Do you usually do bedtime and get up to her in the night if needed?

She isn't going with anyone! She is with her father who lives with them-I would be amazed if he doesn't do bedtime and get up in the night-the mother would have to be very controlling if he doesn't.
He is an equal parent-there is no reason for mother to think that DD is OK with her alone, but not with DH alone. (if they have been used to just Mum it is a good move for him to get her to go out more and leave him with DD and the baby).

I said way back that it wasn't about the mother-it is all about the DC.

It is a shame that men ever allow themselves to get sidelined, with mother as senior parent.