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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU as a father to expect to take my 2 1/2 year old daughter away for the weekend?

315 replies

Rob92004 · 13/08/2011 20:49

I would like to to take my 2 1/2 year old daughter to stay with my brother, his wife and their 4, 6 & 8 year old children for a weekend.
My wife will not let me take her claiming she is too sensitive and I cannot care for her properly (We have been married 7 years, and I am 44 fit and healthy!)
All opinions appreciated! Thanks.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 13/08/2011 22:13

Your wife is being unreasonable, you have every right to be able to take your child away.

fedupofnamechanging · 13/08/2011 22:24

Maybe your wife will really miss your dd and so doesn't want her to be away for a whole weekend. I would feel like a limb was missing if my 3 year old was not with me for 2 days.

I think you should talk to your wife and find out what she is really feeling and why.

My DH is very good at looking after our children, but there are some things that dd just wants me for. Two and a half is still a baby really and maybe your wife just isn't ready to be apart from her. If your wife is uneasy, what is more important to you - this trip or your wife feeling at ease.

(It might be that she has some kind of issue with your family but doesn't feel she can say to you).

FriggFRIGG · 13/08/2011 22:27

i think i know whats going on here....
you say you have a 3 month old??
i have a similar age gap,when DS was 3 months,i felt like i hardly saw DD one to one,ever. i felt as if bed time was the only time i got to 'be there' for her 100%.
i felt very very guilty when DD went off for days out with other people,because i felt like I should be spending that time with her,rebuilding our relationship.
i also felt very over protective and emotional.

you need to talk this though with your wife,i expect she will come around to the idea,so long as you are thoughtful about it.

so,YANBU,and she is,but there are reasons she is BU IYSWIM.Grin

fuzzypicklehead · 13/08/2011 22:36

My DH has asked to take DD1 (3) for an overnight visit to his mates this summer. It's fine with me because I think his friends would become a little overwhelmed if we all went (they're worriers). And I know he will let her eat totally unsuitable crap and pretty much run wild. And I'll not sleep because I miss her too much. But they're dotty about each other and they'll have a great time.

If it were DD2, on the other hand--hell no. She just wouldn't want to be seperated from me for more than a couple of hours, and if she did get upset he wouldn't be able to comfort her.

DumSpiroSpero · 13/08/2011 22:36

Agree with Frigg.

Of course YANBU, but I can see it from your wife's POV as well. She might even be worried about coping without you with your youngest while you're away.

Also, bed time is a funny old thing for kids. My DD is nearly 7 and still likes me to put her to bed rather than DH as we have got used to our little routine. He does do it occasionally, but she really doesn't like it, and it's much more difficult to explain something like that to a 2yo.

I do sympathise though - I have just had a similar thing as I wanted to take DD on holiday for a week next year without DH. Now we are all going.

TheSecondComing · 13/08/2011 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gay40 · 13/08/2011 22:46

I'm going to speak bluntly and probably get flamed.
This is just the sort of situation where, in a few years, we will read "DH doesn't do anything with the kids". You might have a routine, but one that excludes one parent? Hmm
It's PFB gone mad. However, I'd suggest at another time you take the baby and leave your DD to have some 121 mummy time, if that is the issue.

Original poster
Rob92004 · 13/08/2011 22:54

Thanks for all the thoughts, they are really appreciated-Dear Wife not too impressed when I showed her though!

Their house is a bit untidy and could usually do with a good hoover, but it is not dangerous.
It's a ninety minute drive, so not the end of the world.
My brother doesn't drink, and SIL has the occasional glass of wine, so unlikely to be hung-over in the morning.
I do put DD to bed occasionally: she usually messes around for quite a while with me (I want a drink etc.)-but I am hoping the older kids will wear her out!

OP posts:
rubyrubyruby · 13/08/2011 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSecondComing · 13/08/2011 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skybluepearl · 13/08/2011 23:19

Will the child have it's needs met and be safe? will you be giving child attention and care? if so - then yes i can't see the problem

skybluepearl · 13/08/2011 23:19

how will child feel being seperate from mum?

pollyblue · 13/08/2011 23:22

I'm agreeing with TheSecondComing and Frigg. My dd was 2 when my twins were born and I felt awful for ages because they took up so much of my time and despite my best efforts i felt like i had almost no time at all with dd1.

Would your wife appreciate you looking after the baby from time to time so she can concentrate solely on your dd1 and have a bit of special time with her? (assuming you don't already).

I don't think you've actually said why your wife is against you taking your dd away.......We're all guessing, but can't say if you're BU if you don't say exactly why she's against it.

CubiksRube · 13/08/2011 23:25

YANBU.

My DP has never actually made food for DS (6 months), or bathed him alone, or done a myriad of things that I do as a SAHM.

But I would of course let DP go away with DS for a weekend because he is a) a loving father and b) not a complete idiot. Perhaps DS would wear slightly odd clothes for the weekend, and wouldn't eat EXACTLY what I would have fed him, but I'd send DP off with a lecture on safety and they would have a ball.

He is, after all, an equal parent. And it isn't his fault that I have to breastfeed and so he can't be at home during the day to learn all this looking-after-a-baby stuff.

Have a proper chat with her about exactly what her fears are, and how you feel about this.

MadamDeathstare · 13/08/2011 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadow · 13/08/2011 23:30

..... "but thinks he house is a bit of tip and not appropriate for a 3 month old!"

So, the house is possibly in her mind not appropriate for a 2 year old either, ESPECIALLY not a 2 year old who is mobile and touching everything....

Is your brother living in a pig sty? Are they dirty, or just messy?

LolaRennt · 14/08/2011 01:22

No one would question a female parent in the reverse situation because most couples have the female parent taking full charge of the baby/child. It is not sexist it is statistics.

organicgardener · 14/08/2011 01:25

Take her on the trip....I can't believe some posters are questioning you Confused

TheRealTillyMinto · 14/08/2011 07:54

I wonder if your wife likes to think she is the only parent who can look after your DC properly. if you show her you can do the job just fine it takes that that way from her. but (1) i think it is best for your DC you both look after them (2) i believe it will be best for her in the long run

Georgimama · 14/08/2011 08:03

I kind of know how your wife feels, because my PFB (aged 4) is away for the weekend with my mother and his five year old cousin, principally for the fun of it but the subtext is that the weekend is intended to give me and DH a bit of a breather to spend time one on one with our two week old DD. I felt so guilty about needing a couple of days breather already that I almost said don't take him. But that is my issue and if I had stopped DS going he would have been missing out on a fun time to assage my guilt. Which isn't right.

So basically, from one post partum mother to another, I say to your DW - unclench love.

(And I agree there is a sexist twang to many of the responses, no one would be questioning a mother about her ability to parent a two and a half year old effectively with the back up of brother and SIL who are also experienced parents, for two poxy days without her husband)

twooter · 14/08/2011 08:09

I was like your wife 3 years ago. I didn't want dh to take my dc away because I was worried he'd be distracted by talking to them on the motorway and have an accident, and I worried that he wouldn't keep an eye on them at all times. Not being with them all the time, he would switch off from time to time.

Anyway, he went, they had a great time, and I had a lovely time, although I do have the same worries.( which are justified as I know what my dh is like)

toniguy · 14/08/2011 08:23

Spot on Gay40

Any woman who is so controlling that they establish a routine with their child which pretty much excludes the other parent, is quite likely to be complaining a few years down the line when they actually want their partner to be more involved and hands on.

I am also gobsmacked that a few posters have made comments like 'how does your dd feel about it?' while ignoring the glaringly obvious point that to try to block this trip is actually denying the dd, not just the dad, of a wonderful Chance to develop their relationship.

Raising an emotionally healthy child isn't just about performing a series of tasks - dressing, feeding etc. It's about enabling them to build relationships with the key people in their life.

Op - if your wife is having trouble seeing you as an equal parent , perhaps try this approach. Explain that you are upset that she is actually denying your dd the right to have fun times alone with her dad,'and with the wider family.

I find this thread very sad, that after 2 and a half years of parenthood, a loving parent can be made to feel sidelined like this.

TheSecondComing · 14/08/2011 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 14/08/2011 10:31

I would just have found it really odd if dh hadn't been as much a parent after 2 years as I was. I always assumed that it was as hard for him to leave his babies with me to go to work etc as it would have been for me to leave them with him. And just as scary in the beginning, when I had no more experience than him of caring for small babies. He had to take it on trust that I would learn on the job and not make any mistakes that were too serious, so why wouldn't I do the same for him?

Whatmeworry · 14/08/2011 12:51

YANBU, agree with Gay40 that the next post will be "my DH never helps with the kids and im frazzled with 2 small kids etc etc".

Doesn't help you knowing you are right though as she will probably just dig in on this one and you are probably better off giving in for now, and asking wj
Hat you have to do to show you can look after child for next time.

If she then plays the moral high ground eg " why are you going to brother when me and your DCs are here, your place is at home" then you know Its not about DD, it's about being left at home and/or you going off while she's left holding the baby.