AIBU as a father to expect to take my 2 1/2 year old daughter away for the weekend?

[Rob92004]

I would like to to take my 2 1/2 year old daughter to stay with my brother, his wife and their 4, 6 & 8 year old children for a weekend.
My wife will not let me take her claiming she is too sensitive and I cannot care for her properly (We have been married 7 years, and I am 44 fit and healthy!)
All opinions appreciated! Thanks.

Only read OPs posts (prob a mistake) but I would have bitten DHs arm off if he had offered to take DD1 for the weekend when DD2 was a small baby and I was BF.

of course you shoudl be able to it will be nice for your and your daughter

i would happily allow the ex to take ds away for a weekend (i think they are later in the month to see his family

From a parenting perspective there's no reason why you shouldn't take your dd away for the weekend.

Wrt the baby, how has your dd reacted to her new sibling? Is your wife worried that she may feel rejected/excluded if you take her and leave your wife with new baby? Does your wife feel she doesn't get enough 1on1 time with your dd and perhaps feels guilty about her going away, similar to what Georgeimama said?

I'm not saying don't take her but if you can get to the bottom of how your wife feels then it may make it easier for all of you.

Too much over analysing here.

There are no dangers present, looks like fun, will be good for you both. Do it.

I am confused - how can a house not be suitable for a 3 mo, but be ok for a 2 1/2 yo? A 3 mo would hardly spend time rolling around on the unhoovered floors or tripping over untidy stuff. I don't remember DD being able to do much at all at 3 months.

YANBU. I think your wife is being a bit precious.

OK, so going on what you've said here, (and if your DW has seen it, then I presume it's a fair reading of the situation) it sounds to me as if she's being overly precious. So what if their house needs a hoover? So what if bedtime's up the creek? It's one weekend with her dad and her cousins and she'll have a blast.
For the record, some of my kids' fondest memories are when Daddy or hapless Grandad has been in charge and they all got lost on a walk, or the scrambled eggs got burned, or one of them fell in a puddle and had to wear something silly to cover them 'til they got back. It's family life and obsessing about routines and hygiene and excessive (note: excessive ) safety rules can stifle what should be a happy time.
Stick to your guns, persevere and just GO. Prove to her it works. Anyway, she's your daughter too.

Great post clam.
She'll love it. The mother is being really selfish to try to deny her daughter the chance of a fun time

Rob, your wife is being unreasonable. I think toniguy's post is brilliant. Spot on. Indeed, I think it is a very controlling person who would deny a parent's right to spend time with their child for the flimsy reasons listed here. It seems selfish and certainly not in the best interests of the child.

"My wife will not let me take her" ... I would be so ashamed if my husband ever had to say such a thing.

We have three boys and my husband takes them all away sailing one week a year plus he has numerous weekends away with each one on their own. He has been doing thins since they were babies. He is a good, sensible man. I trust his judgement. I know he will do whatever it takes to keep them safe. That is all I need to know.

Rob, you are her father and you have made an assessment about your brother's home, if you think your daughter will be ok then your wife is well out of order.

When I was a child, my mother "needed a break" and went away for a few days leaving my dad in charge of us 3 kids. Knowing my dad, God love him, this was a leap of faith on her part, however he took us all out and about and we have the photographic evidence of how he dressed us! Hair all over the place, jumpers back-to-front, wellies on the wrong feet, chocolate smears on faces .... we had a great time. My mother was able to laugh about it when she got back, refreshed afterwards.

You sound like a good dad. Your wife sounds a bit unreasonable but she has a 3 month old baby. I was very, very touchy and unreasonable when I was tired out, with a new baby. If you can get around that and convince her DD will be fine, she'll probably end up being glad of the break from DD, even if she won't admit it. I have no idea personally what life is like for a mother with a new baby AND a toddler but I see and hear from friends who do that it's knackering.

She has a 12 week old baby and is breastfeeding. Yes, she's being unreasonable and hormonal but that's the way it goes when you're at that stage. I do feel for you Rob - but your wife has only recently pushed out a baby who probably isn't sleeping for more than 3 hours at a stretch. Stay home if she wants you to. You certainly should have the father-daughter time but maybe now isn't the right point.

Not sure it necessarily goes

Controlling mother who wont let father do anything
then complaining about dh who does nothing

In my case it was dh who left everything to me so children were only used to me
unable to let dh do anything because routines that didn't involve him had been established / bf/ co sleeping

takes a while to break out of that

Your wife sounds a bit neurotic. An untidy house that needs hoovering isn't going to damage a 3 month old (or a 2 year old).

I've kind of skipped from page 1 to last page so I hope I haven't missed something overly important here but what on earth is wrong with your wife? Dad's always get such a hard time for not pulling their weight or having proper 'bonding' time, you're happy to go for a weekend and you get told no?!! Surely this gives your wife a little bit of a break by only having to worry about the little one? She needs to wind her neck in and I really don't get the interrogation about how long you've previously spent with DD, can you cope etc......nobody would bat an eyelid if a mum wanted to take DD away. And JOOI, do routines stick when you go on holiday or do they loosen a bit? That's basically what this would be, a little holiday. Take here anyway, she's your daughter too.

I'm going against the grain!

When you have a 3 month old baby and are breastfeeding, hormones are frequently still all over the place. Mine are bigger now, but when my youngest was 3 months and I was breastfeeding, I would have cried if someone had taken my 2yo away overnight. For me, the birth of no. 2 meant that I was more strangely protective of no. 1 than before.

The first time I was apart overnight from one of mine was aged 2. 2yo scratched at the front door in the middle of the night, desperately looking for me. I was in hospital.

Another defence for your wife is that you are going to a place that is a "tip" and also with older children. I think that it would be reasonable to worry about a 2yo who isn't used to that. Very small toy parts up nose/in mouth, getting pushed, potentially down stairs/onto hard floors.

Bottom line is, I am not sure why you are trying to separate a mother from her 2yo when it is something the mother is clearly upset over. It doesn't really matter what others think, you are married to your wife and the pair of you have to talk this issues through and agree on an answer.

He is the father. An equal parent. And the daughter has a right to be with her father as much as with her mother. This isn't all about the mother- its about 'the child.

Reasonable to worry about a 2yo who isn't used to "a tip?!" (although that's a subjective term).

Really?

I'd be interested to meet a 2yo who even noticed.

Sorry but if this was a bloke the shrieks of "leave him!!" and "controlling bastard" would be bouncing off the walls.

I see it time and time again, children arrive, woman who has a decentish bloke a lot of the time then becomes controlling over zealous harridan and proceeds to infantilise bloke. Bloke therefore becomes hapless and helpless in presence of said small children as he's not trusted to make sure they're in bed at 6.58 in the evening exactly or some other bullshit.

Woman then wails and whines that she's so hard done by with no time to herself , "he never helps!" etc.etc, "he gave them dinner 45 minutes late in their blood sugars never recovered" and so on an so on.

It sounds fine, your wife sounds like she has a it of a precious princess complex going on, I would go.

And FWIW I've been in this situation, I used to feel hideously jealous that dh and dd were out having fun somewhere whilst I was glued to the sofa with a bf newborn but it's life and it sounds like she'll have fun.

And I've seen it on here before and in rl, what's the big f**king deal about bedtime??! It's hardly rocket science, yes it can be annoying but it's relatively simple isn't it?? Or does "BEDTIME" take on difficulties of gargantuan proportions in other peoples households??

Playing devil's advocate for a moment - my DH was happy to let our daughter have MMR and I wasn't - does that mean he should have ridden roughshod over my feelings and concerns? I think not.

Whilst I agree that the OP's wife does seem a little unreasonable you can't just say that OP is an equal parent and should go ahead & do what he likes. His wife is also an equal parent in, I presume, an equal partnership and they need to work on a solution together.

Banging on about equal parents having the 'right' to do as they please is not helpful - there are people's feelings involved here no matter how unreasonable they may seem to some, and they need to be taken into account for everyone's sake.

as a bit of a control freak, I can sort of see where your wife might be coming from...no matter how exhausted she is looking after 3 month old & DD, letting go is really tough, she might feel like you're suggesting she can't cope, might not like her "routine" interupted. I can certainly recall feeling like that with DS!

However assuming you've proved capable of looking after your DD in the past (and it sounds like you have) then I think you need to talk to her & find out why she's worried. Bedtime routines can be broken & mended again, your DD might like some quality time when she's your sole focus rather than sharing with the baby.

Good luck, I'm sure you'll both enjoy your weekend away!

YANBU at all.
You are an equal parent I would persevere and get her used to the idea that you will do things with the DCs on their own.
If it was the other way around and a woman was posting that her DH wouldn't let her, all hell would be let loose on here-it would be an 'abusive relationship' and she should leave!
It is the old double standards again and the woman is the 'senior' parent who gets to say what happens, treating DH like a DC himself who can't protect his DC in 'a tip'. (she then complains because DH is like an extra DC!)
It isn't about the mother-it is about the DC -they do not want an over protective mother who is going to cry if her DP takes the DC away overnight! (and then excuses her behaviour on hormones).

here's hoping you have a lovely weekend away and your wife has a lovely quiet weekend with your baby

just a thought though, is she a bit scared of being left alone with the baby - if not then she needs to stop being so selfish

I hardly think you can compare whether to give/ not give the MMR injection to a parent wanting a weekend with their child.

Anyway- the op said his wife could go to if she wants. She doesn't want to. She now wants to stop him going. That is not reasonable adult behaviour for anyone- whether they are the mother of a 3 month old baby or not. Having squeezed a baby out within the last year does not give you licence to treat the other parent like shit

Whilst I agree that the OP's wife does seem a little unreasonable you can't just say that OP is an equal parent and should go ahead & do what he likes. His wife is also an equal parent in, I presume, an equal partnership and they need to work on a solution together

Exactly-of course they should -but they should leave themselves out of it and think what is best for the DC.