AIBU as a father to expect to take my 2 1/2 year old daughter away for the weekend?

[Rob92004]

I would like to to take my 2 1/2 year old daughter to stay with my brother, his wife and their 4, 6 & 8 year old children for a weekend.
My wife will not let me take her claiming she is too sensitive and I cannot care for her properly (We have been married 7 years, and I am 44 fit and healthy!)
All opinions appreciated! Thanks.

Lenin - the mother may well usually do' more in terms of actual HOURS with the child if she is at home and 'the father is working. But that's all the more reason to encourage the bond between father and daughter through this type of activity- for the CHILDS sake as well as the father. It's not his fault if he hasn't actually managed to clock up as many hours of one to one time. For example, when I was home on maternity leave I tended to do the night wakings, and when I worked part time I did proportionately more childcare simply because I was at home more. But I would never have dreamed of feeling I was 'better' at the bed time routine or indeed anything else. I think its shocking the way some mothers side line the dad like this.

Lots of men swap roles. I am glad that we were equal parents, we learned together-I was never 'the expert' who had to tell DH what to do. He could go away, I could go away-a parent should be making sure that the DC is equally comfortable with the other parent-not finding excuses to keep their DC by their side at all times.

YADNBU. Ridiculous!

I would never be with someone if I felt they couldn't take proper care of a 2 and a half year old, for heaven's sake. What in the world does she think is going to happen? Even if bedtime was chaotic it's for ONE WEEKEND.

Absolutely exotic- I cant see how any caring,loving parents would want it different. But sadly some women seem to wear it as a badge of honour if they create total dependency in their children, to 'the extent that no one, not even the other parent, feels able to care for them. Guess it makes them feel needed. One things for sure- its all about the mother in those cases and definitely not the child.

We know from the set up that OP feels quite capable of managing for a weekend and wants to do it.
If I was married to someone who didn't trust me to take my own 2 yr old for a weekend I would wonder why we were married!
After all, if they were divorced he would be able to have the DC at weekends and maybe even half the week!!

I've always believed that men are as capable as looking after children as women. By this I mean real men, not these silly immature boys in a grown up body with toys and hobbies who "can't" use a washing machine but have no problem with an iphone, and have a cock that works, sadly.
What I do see a lot of is women that simply won't allow their (male) partners to learn what to do together with the baby from day 1. Then moan that they never do anything. Then split up years later because DH has felt sidelined.
Yes, I know breastfeeding and working patterns etc influence this ideal. DD's father once asked DP what to do when DD did something or other - DP said "You've as much idea as me - shall we look at the instruction manual together?"
He didn't ask again I'm pleased to say he is 100% capable of caring for DD as we are.

to be honest my husband couldnt take our 2.5 year old away for the weekend because she wouldnt want to go for that long without me.

Probably because she's not used to it?

This isn't your husband and child though biddy- it's a guy who sounds like he has a great relationship with his dd and where they would both have a great time. It's just the selfish mother Not wanting them to

If your DC won't go away without you then I think that you should be working really hard on getting them build up a similar relationship with your DP-I think that some women do have it as a 'badge of honour' that their DC isn't happy with anyone else.
Start by going out shopping and work up.
What would happen if you were rushed to hospital tomorrow and were unable to cope-very frightening for the DC if they are totally dependant on you and have an unequal partner at home?

How many women would be happy if the DH told them that their DC was 'too sensitive to visit their sister and DCs and that they didn't trust them to look after the DC!!
OP seems sane and sensible, a good father, has been married 7 yrs-his wife thinks he is good enough to father 2 DCs and yet he can't be trusted to look after a 2 yr old DC-I would find it deeply insulting. If he really can't manage his own 2 yr old for the weekend-why is she still with him?

OP - IMO, in life there are people that choose to make things work and work out ways to maket hem work and there are those that will find reasons why things can't work. It's usually pretty clear which camp people fall into. It didn't surprise me when you added that your wife doesn't get on with your brother - just another reason not to.....
Put your foot down on this one because she is BTU.

I was upset by DH taking DC, youngest just 2 and older ones I'd never had a night away from, away for few days a while ago- didn't help family they were visiting had a history of try to side line me.

I couldn't go as I was sick - having come down with the bug I'd nursed everyone else through.

It was fine - they had a great time and I found it liberating to know they were all coped. Also useful to know its an option for the future.

Try selling it to your wife and bonding time you with toddler and her with focused time with baby.

Have just re-read that the DD "is sensitive."
All the more reason for her to have a weekend away from her mother in a more rough-and-tumble environment if you ask me.

YANBU. I have a 2.5yo and am breastfeeding my 3 month old newborn. If I felt that dh wasn't capable of looking after dc1 for a weekend, that would be intolerable as it would feel like I had 3 children! I expect my dh to fully share parenting with me and therefore other than breastfeeding (!) he does everything I do. Dh is an intelligent person with common sense. At this age, dd knows what is supposed to happen and she will either tell him or accept it because its not a big deal.

I think your dw is actually be quite insulting and disrespectful. Insulting because looking after a child is not that difficult and unless you're a total idiot, you will work it out. Disrespectful because she's not respecting your status as 50% parent. Assuming she's on maternity leave so seeing more of them then you at present then she ought to be supporting building up a relationship between you and your dd. Others have written it off as her being precious or controlling and I wonder whether another explanation is that somehow her self worth is wrapped up in being the only one who is capable of knowing exactly how to raise/look after your dc. Whichever of these is the actual reason she needs to get over herself and you need not pander to her. I say this as someone who also totally gets the "dirt" thing. I don't do dirt and at the end of each day when dcs are in bed my house has to be spotless or else my teeth itch. :) however, I also accept that people have different standards/priorities and that if I applied my standards to everyone I would have no friends and family. If I go somewhere that I think is particularly yuck, I adapt and your dw needs to do the same.

Your wife is being precious, unreasonable and downright rude to suggest that 1) you are a less capable parent 2) your brother's house isn't fit for humans (unless it really should be condemned!)

My house could often do with a good scrub (right now being a prime example) but my children have survived beyond the toddler stage.

There is some evidence out there to suggest that children who are brought up in an environment with a reasonable amount of dirt have generally better health and fewer allergies.

Finally - I wouldn't dream of telling my husband what he was and wasn't "allowed" to do with regard to parenting. Major decisions we make together but ffs, this is essentially 2 days out with Daddy plus one night in the middle. It's hardly a major parenting decision and if you told her she wasn't allowed to do something with her own child she would (presumably and correctly) tell you where to go!

I broke my leg and spent a week in hospital when dd1 was this age. She was also sensitive (aka clingy). Although it was awful it also dis us some good in that a) dd's relationship with dh improved so much and b) I realised that dh WAS perfectly capable of looking after her and even is she ate pasta pesto for 4 nights in a row, no harm would come of it!

She is your child too op so no, YANBU. Your wife us the unreasonable one

I am assuming your wife has never spent a night away from dd. Her fears may not be justifyable but that doesn't make them less real.

The first time I was away from ds for a few hours for an evening out I was a nervous wreck and had to go home early. The first time he spent a night away from home was excrutiating... for me... he had a whale of a time. I phoned constantly to check he was ok - which of course he was. It was me that wasn't ok!

So no you are NBU to want to take dd away for the weekend. But you do need to be sensitive to your wife's feelings on this and find a solution where she is happy to let this happen and agrees to it rather than bambosal her with 'look everyone on MN says you are BU so you should let me do it'

Have you asked her what would need to happen for her to feel comfortable about it? ie if you phoned every couple of hours, stayed away for one night the first time, she arranged to have a friend come over for company in the evening so she didn't feel like she was all alone if she thought that may be the trigger point for her emotions getting the better of her....

Finally - I wouldn't dream of telling my husband what he was and wasn't "allowed" to do with regard to parenting. Major decisions we make together but ffs, this is essentially 2 days out with Daddy plus one night in the middle. It's hardly a major parenting decision and if you told her she wasn't allowed to do something with her own child she would (presumably and correctly) tell you where to go!

I think that this is the major problem-why does she think that she is the 'senior' parent who 'allows' things?
I'm sure that he is sensitive to his DW's feeling but it is unfair of her, she is the adult, it is her problem and it isn't in her DDs interests to have such a clingy mother. She may find it difficult, and be anxious, but she should hide it, especially from DD.

Have you asked her what would need to happen for her to feel comfortable about it? ie if you phoned every couple of hours, stayed away for one night the first time, she arranged to have a friend come over for company in the evening so she didn't feel like she was all alone if she thought that may be the trigger point for her emotions getting the better of her....

This makes her seem like some poor Victorian heroine who will take to her bed with smelling salts! Not someone whose DD is going to have a great weekend with cousins and fun household with the full attention of her father!
It at least makes her sound like an 8yr old who doesn't want to go to Brownie camp! She is an adult-just talk to her rationally and go! She doesn't need a friend to hold her hand and more than one phone call a day!

I agree with clam, if the DD is sensitive -all the more reason to go.

I'm sure that it gives some women a purpose in life to say 'my DC won't go anywhere without me' instead of saying 'how can I get my DC to go somewhere without me?' They don't like it is DC is completely a 'daddy's boy' or 'daddy's boy' (written about on MN plenty of times) so they should try not to have it the other way around.

sorry-'daddy's girl' the second time

I think if she is that worried she should go as well, but is not being at all fair trying to stop you.

If the child has only ever been put together by mummy until now then I have no doubt that bedtime will be difficult. however, she has to let go at some stage and I think the earlier the better - can you imagine if she won't let 14yo dd go skiing with school because she has never spent a night away from mummy.

Personally I was shitting myself the first time I had sole responsibility for stepson (at similar age), but we survived, I found it extremely touching when he called for me in the morning rather than mummy.

Now, age 3.5, we have no problem; which is a good job as with 3wo dd to occupy mummy's time, he has no choice but to let me deal with him.

Maybe mummy is worried that she will manage bedtime perfectly happily without her. (if so she has done a good job)

I also hugely agree with Exotic - it's a shame when fathers let themselves get sidelined in looking after children.

We all know how hard it is to look after children. Not saying this is you OP but if a father decides to take a back seat for what ever reason, whether it be just taking the easy option and letting his wife get on with it, down right laziness or whatever, if you then combine this with a diligent mother who, for whatever reason, doesn't want to let go of control, then you've got a perfect recipe for being sidelined.

If my wiife told me I couldn't care for my children properly then I would be looking to understand the accusations clearly because if they were true, I'd feel like a failure as a father and would be wanting to remedy the failures pretty damn quickly. If I didn't feel the accusations were true, I'd be challenging them vociferously and looking to demonstrate my capabilities.

OP I think you need to challenge the status quo.