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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite pleased that my dc are a little bit scared of me.

214 replies

psiloveyou · 11/08/2011 13:22

DS (11) was looking at a picture in the paper this morning. It was of a mum taking her young son into court to face charges after rioting.
Ds said "if I ever did anything like that mum, I would be much more scared of what you would do. You're much scarier than any policeman or court". I was actually quite pleased that he felt like that.

When I told a friend though she was horrified. She said she would be devastated if her dc were scared of her in any way. She said I was living in the dark ages if I feel like that and adults should earn the respect of children without scaring them.

Now don't get me wrong, DS and I have a brilliant relationship. I never hit (and rarely have to shout at) the dc. I do think though that a little fear is healthy and I would like my dc to feel that way about any authority figure such as teachers the police ect.

So am I living in the dark ages.

OP posts:
joric · 11/08/2011 20:00

Slanted I really am not being antagonistic when I ask this but how are you being misinterpreted? I for one disagree with you that's all.
I feel that you are accusing (me) of being cruel to the DC and I disagree.

joric · 11/08/2011 20:01

Xpost slanted..

Slanted · 11/08/2011 20:04

People keep seeming to imply that my belief that fear is wrong means I am all for no boundaries, etc etc. And that I don't understand - they're not talking about fear of parents, but of consequences. (I do get that, thanks.) And that I must be talking about quivering fear, etc etc. Just read back and see for yourself.

I am not accusing you of cruelty - really. I disagree with what you say, as you do with what I say. If I thought you were right, I would be doing the same myself. And vice versa.

The problem with disagreeing with another's parenting methods is that, of course it implies that the thought is the other is doing wrong. Cruel is a different thing, and I am sorry if you think that that's what I mean. I don't.

rockinhippy · 11/08/2011 20:07

And not one of you can back up your position with anything even approaching evidence Hmm several of us already have, but you chose to ignore it because it doesn't suit your own argument, so ICBA any moreWink

& I just hope we really are misunderstanding you, or anyone else who sits your side of this particular fence, because fear of consequence in whatever context that takes, is what has held CIVILISED society together since the beginning of time - take that away & you are left with the likes of what we have all seen over the last few days & personally I find it PDS that parents might not actually see that as something to learn from.

I am curious though as to how old your DC is as I still find it hard to believe you can discipline an DC, who can argue back in the way you describe

GilbonzoTheSecretPsychoDuck · 11/08/2011 20:09

I don't think I've ever been called eloquent before - cheers joric!

I've changed my mind though. I don't think anyone is misunderstanding anyone else. Some people just can't accept that their views are different from other peoples'. I firmly believe that my children need to 'fear' the consequences of their behaviour. They are not scared of me but they know where my boundries are set and they know not to cross them. I fear for any parent who cannot see this as positive praise and leading by example, while extremely important, are only a part of teaching a child how to be a decent person imo. If dd drew on the wall I wouldn't praise her artwork. I would tell her it mustn't happen again. If it happens again I will tell her off and warn her that next time I will take her colours away from her. She should then 'fear' having her colours taken away and therefore not do it again.

Slanted · 11/08/2011 20:10

rockinhippy - you are talking fluff and nonsense. Again.

joric · 11/08/2011 20:10

Slanted- This was talked about earlier and I agree, the children rioting being an example- they saw no sanction but the realisation that court is looming will have no doubt awakened some sense of social responsibility in them.
This discipline I am talking about has to be consistent and relevant to the person, my DD is afraid of having her swimming lesson cancelled for example if she is rude or the like.

I think that if one has been the victim of heavy handed, abusive discipline the subject of 'fear' may be repulsive.
I am talking about a fear of relevant, proportional consequences.

Slanted · 11/08/2011 20:14

"they saw no sanction but the realisation that court is looming will have no doubt awakened some sense of social responsibility in them"

Will it? Because I know kids like this and for some of them (not all) the realisation that court is looming will mean sweet fa to them. They barely believe in society, let alone social responsibility.

I don't pretend to have the answer. But I'm pretty sure that fear isn't it. It hasn't worked so far.

TheBride · 11/08/2011 20:14

but the realisation that court is looming will have no doubt awakened some sense of social responsibility in them

Yes, they must be bricking it at the thought of all those 1 day custodial sentences being handed out.

rockinhippy · 11/08/2011 20:41

rockinhippy - you are talking fluff and nonsense. Again yes of course - me & the other 99% of posters on this thread who disagree with you Hmm

Will it? Because I know kids like this and for some of them (not all) the realisation that court is looming will mean sweet fa to them

I actually agree with you in that statement slanted - but sadly I see it as a direct result of namby pamby slap on the wrist brigade & lack of resources that mean these kids have got used to threats of legal consequence, that just aren't followed through, so yes of course court will mean sweet fa to them, because they have become used to it meaning little or nothing more than a very slight slap on the wrist

& FWIW I've seen the results of the type of parenting you seen to stand by, my DD & her School were terrorised by one such boy whose Mum stuck to her guns despite the havoc he was wrecking - & I MEAN havoc - teachers in A&E, Kids taught in corridors, because he was smashing up class rooms, heads spending their valuable time standing all morning in play grounds trying to talk sense into him to get him down from a tree, whist he sneered & laughed at them -

another Mum with a similar boy & same parenting style has handed her son over to his Dad, its broken her heart to do so, but she now owns up to getting it wrong & wished she'd done it differently & realises the stronger arm tactics his Dad uses on him is his best hope

so no, not nonsense, just speaking from experience of BOTH parenting styles Wink

Slanted · 11/08/2011 20:46

rockinhippy - how do you know what it's a result of? Do you know the kids involved, and how they were brought up?

And what's with this namby pamby stuff?

CurrySpice · 11/08/2011 20:52

Slanted I think you are being too black and white

Quite clearly there has to be consequences to bad behaviour which we would prefer to avoid (that's a better way of saying it than "fear" I think)

Otherwise we would not need any laws. Nobody would speed if there were no cameras, fines, police or bans because we know it's wrong ? Of course, lots of people would - in fact many do despite the consequences. They certainly don't stop speeding "because they know it's wrong" do they?

All actions have consequences - some we want, some we wish to avoid. My kids would rather not make me cross (although I have never hit them and have never said what my ultimate sanction would be - perhaps because I don't know what it is!!) because they love and respect me and do not want me to be cross with them, for their sake or mine

rockinhippy · 11/08/2011 20:53

yes

CurrySpice · 11/08/2011 20:54

And fwiw I am the most lily-livered liberal you could wish to meet and do not by any stretch decry human rights or run my home like some Stalinist dictatorship :o

Slanted · 11/08/2011 20:59

CurrySpice - yes, I agree that there are consequences which we would prefer to avoid, and I have said that children need to be taught this.

And the fact that many people do things despite the consequences shows that fear of consequences is not necessarily a great motivator.

(And speeding is not a moral issue (as a side point).)

But I basically agree with everything you have said.

Not quite sure how I'm being "too black and white". How am I?

CurrySpice · 11/08/2011 21:04

Speeding is a moral issue! It is a major factor in a third of fatal accidents - more than drinking I believe!! :o

CurrySpice · 11/08/2011 21:04

That was supposed to be Shock not :o

strictlovingmum · 11/08/2011 21:05

Well done psiloveyou that is the way to go, and while I don't think it's only the "fear" but rather the whole combo of emotions=LOVE AND RESPECT, you seem to have it in hand.
Your DC's not wanting to disappoint you it's one of the most gratifying things you can get from you child as parent.
We all know how it can pan out in their teens if extreme opposite is the case no; respect, fear, love, general disregard of your opinion, well all of us had seen it in the past week or so, hell the whole world had seen it.
As for your"friend" give her time, and wish her good luck, with her attitude to children rearing she is going to need it.

learningtofly · 11/08/2011 21:13

Yanbu. The best teachers I ever had were when I was 5 and 13. Both were tiny in stature but could silence a class with a raise of one solitary eyebrow. Not easy with age range!

I was still slightly in awe of my mum until the day she died. One look would indicate how far was too far. Worked on my dad too! (grin)

Slanted · 11/08/2011 21:17

CurrySpice - sorry; you are right about the speeding.

dizzyblonde · 11/08/2011 21:22

Had a chat to my teenagers about this tonight and their response was: they were 'scared' of my response to bad behaviour not terrified but uneasy.
I'm quite pleased as they are now articulate ,wonderful teenagers- 15, 17 and 19 tears old respectively. I do not think they have long term problems as one poster alledged and they do have respect for authority.

Laquitar · 11/08/2011 21:27

Slanted childrens' - and adults'- behaviour is different than their character. A child can be very good and brought up well with empathy, respect for others etc But still there are moments of excitement and when they get excited and stimulated one of them will push/hit/take toy. What do you do then? Wait until this child calms down and he 's able to think about morals? What about the other child? My son is very good and sensitive boy, my dd likes to provoke and push boundaries. A quick 'do that again and you go to your room' brings her into her senses and it is fair to others, ds or friends.

In my tax example, do you think all people would fill the form volunteerily if there was not a fine? Can we rely on that?

joric · 11/08/2011 21:29

Slanted And the fact that many people do things despite the consequences shows that fear of consequences is not necessarily a great motivator.

Of course people do things in spite of the consequence if the consequence is nothing to be afraid of.

Laquitar · 11/08/2011 21:32

dizzy yes, i think if your dcs or OP's dcs were scared in the bad way, terrified of you, then they wouldn't say it, They would be scared to say it.

joric · 11/08/2011 21:34

In the case of the looters- a load of designer stuff might well be worth a day locked up...if they feared a harsher punishment, maybe it would act as a deterrent?