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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite pleased that my dc are a little bit scared of me.

214 replies

psiloveyou · 11/08/2011 13:22

DS (11) was looking at a picture in the paper this morning. It was of a mum taking her young son into court to face charges after rioting.
Ds said "if I ever did anything like that mum, I would be much more scared of what you would do. You're much scarier than any policeman or court". I was actually quite pleased that he felt like that.

When I told a friend though she was horrified. She said she would be devastated if her dc were scared of her in any way. She said I was living in the dark ages if I feel like that and adults should earn the respect of children without scaring them.

Now don't get me wrong, DS and I have a brilliant relationship. I never hit (and rarely have to shout at) the dc. I do think though that a little fear is healthy and I would like my dc to feel that way about any authority figure such as teachers the police ect.

So am I living in the dark ages.

OP posts:
Davida · 11/08/2011 13:48

It upsets me when ds says he is afraid of me. I feel I have done something wrong for him to feel that way.

viewfromawindow · 11/08/2011 13:50

My exH told our 9yo DD that she was a "goodytwoshoes" a little while ago. She had made some comment about not liking people who drive too fast. She didn't let on to him, but she was really upset by the comment. I think he would like her to be a bit more cool but she is really just a lovely, lovely girl who I have rarely had to discipline. Honestly I could have lamped him one! We ended up having quite a long conversation about how it is good to be a good girl and that was not the same as boring.

Chipsycheese · 11/08/2011 13:51

I am 30 and still a little bit scared of my parents and my nan was the nicest person ever but you wouldn't have wanted her to be cross with you, that's for sure.
Having a healthy respect for someone is good.
Your child sounds lovely.
You are being reasonable and doing well as a parent.

joric · 11/08/2011 13:51

The fear of consequences is there in every aspect of life though.
I know that if I don't do what I should do at work - the consequence is that I will lose my job.
Real Consequences motivate people to do the right thing. In most cases .....

joric · 11/08/2011 13:53

I have just remembered how someone in my form described me!!!! LMHO!
'She is friendly and a bit silly and I wouldn't want to see her angry!'
There you go, I've got it!!!!

RedHotPokers · 11/08/2011 13:55

YANBU OP. I dream of such power Wink.

But seriously, I hated disappointing my mum with bad behaviour. She could wither me with one disapproving eyebrow!!! She had brought me up to behave nicely, and me feeling a bit shit when I let her down by acting out, was no bad thing at all. In fact something I aspire to!

EverythingsNotRosie · 11/08/2011 14:02

ilovetiffany they do at my school!

rockinhippy · 11/08/2011 14:06

YADNBU & your friend needs take a long hard look at herself & her parenting style or she may well end up like the Mum taking her DC to court - just looking at recent event it screams we need more parents like YOU, not her Hmm

back in the "dark ages" Hmm we didn't have half the youth problems we have today, because kids DID respect adults & with that respect does come a little bit of fear of what happens if you do disrespect your elders, theres nothing wrong in that, its the natural pecking order & as it should be

I also had a similar chat with my own DD, who was pretty much of the same opinion - she'd fear my reaction more - she's not beaten down & cowering in a corner Hmm, she has her opinions & is a very confident kid, but she DOES respect other people, especially Teachers Parents etc, because she has been brought up to do so

worldgonecrazy · 11/08/2011 14:08

Your child is not saying they are scared of you, they are saying that they are scared of upsetting you and scared that you would be angry with them.

There is the difference between a child who has a healthy relationship with his parents and fears losing their approval, and one who lives in fear of them.

Slanted · 11/08/2011 14:11

"back in the "dark ages" we didn't have half the youth problems we have today"

Didn't we? How do you know? Some claim that such crimes and problems have been dropping since the 1950s - only difference now is that things are more widely and immediately reported. I'm not sure which is true, but I might look into it. Are you sure that these "problems" are more numerous then they used to be?

Why does fear come with respect? I want my son to respect others and do well by them because if he doesn't he will be hurting them (and society more generally). Not because he's a little bit scared.

And not all elders and all authority deserve respect. Some most definitely don't. There is no need to frighten kids into behaving well - although it may be a short cut.

HoneyPablo · 11/08/2011 14:13

YANBU
I am the quietest person I know but DS 22 is still scared of me. It's called respect (that's waht I tell myself)
Strangely, DD14 is not so respectful. What has happened in the last few years?

Ephiny · 11/08/2011 14:16

I was only scared of my parents until I got too big for them to hit me.

DP on the other hand has a healthy respect/fear for his mum in particular, although she never smacked or hit him. I don't know exactly how she acheived that though!

NasalCoffeeEnema · 11/08/2011 14:17

Slanted
As a child for me it was a different kind of fear. the fear of disapointing my parents. now they never made me feel bad but because they were such good parents I didn't want to let them down/

Slanted · 11/08/2011 14:21

Nasal, I understand that. What I'm trying to get at, though, is that you didn't want to disappoint them because they were so good. It's the goodness that's important. If they were "bad", presumably, disappointing them wouldn't be such a worry.

It's respect for goodness, not fear, that should trump, I feel.

Laquitar · 11/08/2011 14:22

I find it tiring and boring when people take things to a different level just for the sake of it. Surely your friend knows that your son is not scared to eat or talk or look at you Hmm. I read his comment as 'fear of consequences' (what joric have said) which is normal.

Ask your friend why does she fill her tax return?

clam · 11/08/2011 14:24

I don't think that a little bit of fear does any harm. It's not even that you need to do anything, just have them wonder that you might.

I'm thinking of a parent at school whose DD calls her a f*ing bitch, and a poster on here once who wrote that her DS had started saying things like "what are you, stupid or something?" I just know that I would never allow anyone to speak to me like that, let alone my children.

brighthair · 11/08/2011 14:25

Yanbu. My mum just looks at me and I know I am in trouble Wink
I'm 27, and the day I have to tell her if I get pregnant I will be ringing her from as far away as possible Grin

niceguy2 · 11/08/2011 14:26

Absobloodylutely not unreasonable.

Parents are there to parent! We are not there to be their mates, to win any popularity contests.

My kids are also scared of me when they've done something wrong. But they also know that even when I am giving them a rollocking to within an inch of their lives that I still love them unconditionally. The worst is actually when I don't shout at them and tell them I'm disappointed. That gets them everytime so I use it sparingly.

A little fear is perfectly healthy and its weak liberal minded namby pamby dogooders who think adults need to earn the respect of kids rather than the other way around which has left a generation of ferile youths who think their shit doesn't stink.

Slanted · 11/08/2011 14:27

But why should good behaviour be based on fear of consequences? That's not true respect - that's encouraging selfishness. And it's unsustainable.

brighthair · 11/08/2011 14:29

It's not fear of consequences for me, it's not wanting to see my mum upset, angry or disappointed in me and having to feel guilty or sad that I have let her down - in her words she would expect more from me

niceguy2 · 11/08/2011 14:31

and adults should earn the respect of children without scaring them.

In fact, the more I think of this, the more angry it makes me. Your friend is so misguided it's not even funny.

Kids should be earning our respect not the other way around. Why? Because I've wiped their arses, cleaned their sick up, held them when they were ill, taught them to read/write, ride a bike. Picked them up when they fell. Work every day to put money in the bank & food on the table.

If I haven't earned their respect without scaring them by all of the above then I don't know what else I'm expected to do. So if they step out of line then after all the sacrifices I've made I think I'm entitled to kick their arses into line.

Slanted · 11/08/2011 14:31

brighthair, yes, and presumably that's because you already agree with her expectations. If the two of you disagreed over something fundamental, then presumably you wouldn't change your mind simply to prevent her disappointment?

Again, respect for goodness is surely (or should be) the motivating factor - not fear.

Slanted · 11/08/2011 14:33

niceguy2 if people don't start protesting at your post then I give up.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/08/2011 14:33

"...why should good behaviour be based on fear of consequences?"

It doesn't have to be. But it's a good tool to have in the parental quiver. I can get good behaviour out of children by praising cooperation well enough. But if there's no cooperation to praise there have to be consequences that they might not like. Works for adults as well. Do we drive under the speed limit because we're model citizens? Or are we worried about getting a ticket? Bit of both doesn't hurt.

clam · 11/08/2011 14:35

I don't think anyone is advocating instilling fear in isolation. It all goes hand-in-hand with the whole package of parenting.
Once you've established that you're in charge, it shouldn't be necessary to wield a heavy hand. Call it a benign dictatorship, if you like. Grin

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