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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want dh to get a better paid job

340 replies

jobnamechange · 10/08/2011 21:37

I would really appreciate some advice on this one and/or some slaps with a wet fish if appropriate!

Dh had a highly stressful,lots of responsibility,well paid managerial job for about 15 years.During this time we paid off nearly all (only 10k left to pay off)of our mortgage,we live in the best area in town in a large victorian semi which is worth about 270k.
Unfortunatly dh was made redundant about 18mths ago and since we have next to no mortgage and no debt he has decided to take a much lower paid much less stressful job which he really enjoys.
However now we have much less money at the end of the month and even with the next to no mortgage there is little left over and things can be tight.
I work 20hrs a week and during the other 2 days i do all the chores,dh basically works and does the garden and i'm responsible for everything else,i suppose we have quite an old fashioned relationship in the sense that i look after houshold things and our 2 dc.
so AIBU to think that as things are tight that dh should get a better paid job along the same kind of lines as he used to have?
At the moment it feels like he is a qualified accountant but has decided to work in the local arcade as its much more enjoyable and alot less stressful
(he isnt an accountant btw but its a similair comparison) so AIBU?

OP posts:
magicmummy1 · 12/08/2011 11:58

Quite. There is nothing wrong with liking a bit of luxury - I have expensive tastes myself. But you have to ask, at what cost?

scottishmummy · 12/08/2011 11:58

good grief thats funny.never heard of the lady

Al0uiseG · 12/08/2011 11:59

Porcamisera "MN is very left wing and I suspect you will get flamed for wanting this.

Spot on.

Ephiny · 12/08/2011 12:01

What on earth does left/right wing have to do with whether you like shopping/luxuries/holidays etc? It's a matter of personal taste and preferences surely?

pointydog · 12/08/2011 12:03

I can't stand this attitude that someone else is responsible for my wonderful lifestyle and they should jolly well make sure they carry on giving it to me.

Op, you are the only person who is fully responsible for your income and lifestyle, no one else. Your dh plays a part but that's it.

Get off your arse, make plans and ensure that you bring in exactly the sort of income that you want. You are being pathetic and greedy to expect your husband to do that for you.

Take responsibility for your life. You;'re not a child.

Chandon · 12/08/2011 12:03

Ephiny, if you are proper left wing you don't want anyone else to have those things though

scottishmummy · 12/08/2011 12:03

so fund your expensive lifestyle and tastes.dont live off your dp in expectation he will keep a certain wage or lifestyle

magicmummy1 · 12/08/2011 12:03

You won't get flamed for wanting stuff - why should you?

You will get flamed for wanting stuff to be provided by someone else at the cost of their happiness and wellbeing. If you want an expensive lifestyle, you need to increase your own earning power to pay for it. There is no automatic entitlement to these things.

toniguy · 12/08/2011 12:04

Those posters who bang on about 'changing the deal they signed up to' are missing the point that the op's dh was made redundant in the first place, which was what led to the downsizing. Not all changes come about through one partner simply deciding on a whim to radically move the goalposts. Life has a habit of throwing all sorts of things at people- illness, redundancy, bereavement.... Surely the best relationships are the ones where each adult is able to grow and adapt, rather than thinking 'well, this is what we did in 1975 so why on earth should I do anything different now'!!

I completely agree with Scottishmummy. A good relationship (and indeed a well rounded individual) means being able to communicate honestly, adapt, respect each others feelings... And also being able to take responsibility for yourself. I am quite shocked at the op saying 'the better qualified partner should earn more' - good grief, what's to stop you getting yourself qualified or trained if you haven't already done so. These things aren't fixed in stone- its never too late to start. The world of work has changed hugely anyway . Jobs for life don't exist any more. There is no reason whatsoever why the op cant step up and earn more. Just because shes worked for 20 hours a week for the same company for years doesn't mean she cant find other work. In fact, op, I think you are being quite hypocritical as far as your own job is concerned: you say it's a good package and you like the company so you'd be crazy to give it up- but clearly it is only a part time job and does not earn you enough to keep you to the lifestyle you want. So how come you defend your own low earning role because its a nice convenient package that suits you, while criticising your dh for taking on a role which he now enjoys?!

Honestly- read the thread through and see how it comes across.

pointydog · 12/08/2011 12:04

lol @ left wing.

I thought it was the right wing that was far more interested in the responsbility of the individual, and not relying on hand-outs.

pointydog · 12/08/2011 12:06

When I got married and did not sign up to any deal which involved my husband bringing in the lion's share of the income. How bizarre.

HappyMummyOfOne · 12/08/2011 12:06

Most people want nice things, thats fine but dont expect somebody else to put in all the hard work to give them to you.

Given you work just 20 hours a week, you could easily double that if you want more income to keep you in the lifestyle you believe you deserve. Why is it ok that your job only pays x but not the same for your husband?

You state "i'm sure lots of us would like to do certain jobs but in reality they just dont bring in enough money" - i suggest you take your own advice and get yourself a better paid job.

scottishmummy · 12/08/2011 12:07

for richer,for poorer.presumably op agreed to that deal...

porcamiseria · 12/08/2011 12:08

MN can be a bit competitively worthy, and I dont flame her for wanting stuff

BUT to want DH to have a stressy job is harsh

OP I have posted this earlier but I am the main breadwinner (look how hard I work, posting on bloody MN). It IS stressful, operating in the world of shitty stressy middle aged men that make me fel like shit

so I dont see that you empathise with the stress you DP had? but agree arcade manager, there may well be a half way solution

but imagine this..did he lose sleep, did he wake up dreading work, did a black cloud decsend on him sunday evenigs? as its HORRIBLE to feel like that

fluffywhitekittens · 12/08/2011 12:10

Good grief, think we all seem to be reading different things from what the op has said.
As far as I can see she doesn't want to work her husband into an early grave just so she can be a sahm.
She does work. She has paid employment and looks after the home.
From the sound of it her oh does little housework even though he now has a less stressful job.
Regardless of gender roles in this relationship the male has higher earning potential. The op has not, IMO, said she aspires to be a 1950s housewife.
The op wants to find a middle ground and is going to discuss this with her partner.
Why is everyone making out she's some kind of gold digging, lazy arsed, bitch?

Ephiny · 12/08/2011 12:11

I suppose if you're really old-school socialist you would frown on anyone wanting expensive luxuries. I don't think most supposedly 'left-wing' people on MN are that extreme though, and I expect many of them go on holidays, go out for dinner, shop at Waitrose etc themselves!

pointydog · 12/08/2011 12:13

We just have different opinions, kittens. An d in my opinion, her attitude is lousy and she needs to make her l ife as lovely as she wants it, no one else.

Just because you marry, you are still two very distinct people and sometimes they just don't want the same as you do.

MarshaBrady · 12/08/2011 12:13

Don't be ridiculous re left wing, I love buying expensive stuff. Would hate to drive my dh back to a massively disliked job just so I could keep doing so.

Al0uiseG · 12/08/2011 12:15

Wink Champagne socialist then.

Tenacity · 12/08/2011 12:16

OP, I am sorry, but you do sound like a gold digger.

Definition: Any woman whose primary interest in a relationship is material benefits. A woman who cares more about a man's bank account than she does about the man.

Reading your posts, it sounds like you don't really love your DH. You say he brought most of the money, and also a good standard of life. Surely if that is the case, it's now your turn to do the same.
Why can't you retrain or get a better paid job if you want a certain lifestyle? Why does someone else have to provide it for you? Are you a little kid that relies on an adult to provide for them? You sound a little thick if I may say.

toniguy · 12/08/2011 12:16

20 hours a week is very part time. If the op wants more money, she's the one with the time to earn it. I think the housework thing is a red herring tbh- its 2011, not 1911- housework, shopping and cooking don't need to take hours every day . Split responsibility for earning and domestic stuff equally - there is no reason to conform to some sort of 1950s stereotypes.

scottishmummy · 12/08/2011 12:17

you want particular lifestyle.go work for it.teach that to your kids
dont just let them think women marry prosperous men who work to sustain said materialistic wife wife

Popbiscuit · 12/08/2011 12:17

Doesn't your DH want a better job? Mine thrives on stress and long hours and phone calls at all hours (and yes, the status too). I know he'd be unhappy if he had to take a lower position especially if it meant financial stress. Actually, I'd think something was wrong with him Confused.

Al0uiseG · 12/08/2011 12:20

Same PopBiscuit

toniguy · 12/08/2011 12:20

Doesn't the op want a better job??