to want dh to get a better paid job

[jobnamechange]

I would really appreciate some advice on this one and/or some slaps with a wet fish if appropriate!

Dh had a highly stressful,lots of responsibility,well paid managerial job for about 15 years.During this time we paid off nearly all (only 10k left to pay off)of our mortgage,we live in the best area in town in a large victorian semi which is worth about 270k.
Unfortunatly dh was made redundant about 18mths ago and since we have next to no mortgage and no debt he has decided to take a much lower paid much less stressful job which he really enjoys.
However now we have much less money at the end of the month and even with the next to no mortgage there is little left over and things can be tight.
I work 20hrs a week and during the other 2 days i do all the chores,dh basically works and does the garden and i'm responsible for everything else,i suppose we have quite an old fashioned relationship in the sense that i look after houshold things and our 2 dc.
so AIBU to think that as things are tight that dh should get a better paid job along the same kind of lines as he used to have?
At the moment it feels like he is a qualified accountant but has decided to work in the local arcade as its much more enjoyable and alot less stressful
(he isnt an accountant btw but its a similair comparison) so AIBU?

Op has already stated that there is 'little left over' at the end of the month. I take from that , that there is actually something left over after the bills are covered and it is just the 'extras' that she has to forego. She wants her husband to find a higher paying job and these days, that tends to bring extra stress. Yet she is unwilling to adjust her work to help out.It sounds to me that she only sees her husband as a walking ATM because she is certainly not considering his health or wishes.

Personally, I would not feel able to put anyone, let alone someone I professed to love, in the situation where any of these could be the potential outcome.

marsha, my H hates his job most days, but is very respected in his area and likes that, if he's honest.

Queen, my DH's year off...will be an interesting experience for both of us. I think he'll be surprised how boring a SAHP life can be, and how much work all the boring housework is (at the mo he does no shopping, washing and ironing, changing sheets, garden, bins, kids homework and afterschool activities etc. ever ever). But if he wants to, I am up for it. I'd quite fancy taking a FT job again anyway, but would not do it if it meant DC were in afterschool childcare due to SEN for oldest DC.

Once you've been a part time sahp and a part time worker your working skills and your salary won't have kept in line with someone who has been working full-time, so to expect to be able to just work a few more hours and expect that to pick up the slack is ridiculous. The person who has dedicated all of their time to their career will usually have the higher earning potential.

Even if my dh couldn't work any more we would be stuck as my career progression effectively ended 15 years ago, if I took a full time job now I doubt that we would be able to eat, pay utilities and run cars.

Hopefully he won't decide to quit working anytime soon.   When we chat he used to say would you still love me if I was a (insert menial low paid job of choice)  I was honest and said it was unlikely because I love that you are driven and dedicated and occasionally fulfilled by what you do.    A lesser job would conflict. With his personality; before anyone says it's all about the money, it's not.  He works in a high risk industry, we have lost nearly everything more than once.

This thread is very interesting to me, because my DH is in a very well paid job which he hates, and has applied for a more interesting job which pays

I will repeat what someone else said - op has never said he didn't enjoy his stressful job or that he was suffering due to this stressful job. Sounds like he has pretty much gone from one extreme to the other and she is right that there could be a middle ground.

You sound very spoilt. You only want to work part time but expect another adult to work more hours in a job that is bad for them just to keep you in the lifestyle you believe you deserve! Words fail me.

Working full time is what most people do, you dont sound like you have pre school children so no reason not to work full time and using the housework as an excuse is simply that. It doesnt take that many hours a week to have a nice house.

You should be grateful his salary afforded you the luxury of being part time so that you could do what you wanted and that now maybe its your turn to bring some more income in so he gets the same deal. If he isnt currently using his qualifications then its no different to all the mums who gain them and then dont work - MN seems to thinks thats perfectly acceptable so presume its the same the other way round.

I hope your children learn a different message from other adults, i wouldnt want my DS believing he has to get a high paid stressful job as he wife will expect to do very little leaving her time to spend his money.

Chandon respect is a good incentive. And taking the bins out not so.

I don't envy sahms, I pretty much am one atm (and I know most mn sahms would rather er work than watch daytime tv).

If I covet anyone's lifestyle it is dh's a little bit for having a great career that he loves and has good earning potential. I'll do more of it soon, as ds2 gets older.

I can see both sides of this.

I've always been the main earner in our relationship. We both work full-time. For about 3 years between 07 and 10 I seriously hated my chosen career.

We'd downsized 10 years previously and left London, but I seemed to have slipped back into a mega-stressful situation work-wise. I really wanted to leave, but couldn't do it to the family. Dh was really supportive of me leaving if I wanted to, but equally I could see he was terrified that I might do it. We are also doing the smallholding thing and it seemed like rather than downsizing, we just took on an extra load of responsibility. I was stressed out of my head tbh.

He would've increased his hours working overtime etc if I had decided to leave. We even worked out a financial plan around that and I was ready to do it.

I stayed in the end because due to change of management things are less stressful now. Also my dc are getting older and suddenly the local independent secondary school and behind that University have appeared on my planning horizon.

If we want these things for our kids then we have to stick to the plan. It's not just about us.

If the OP just wants the ability to go shopping and sip lattes whenever she likes then yep, get over yourself. However, if there are genuine concerns over the future then she has reason to gripe. Still think she could increase her hours though. If it takes her a full day to earn what her dh earned in an hour then she's wasting her earning potential.

can i just clairfy i have posted many times to say I do not want DH to go back to a stressful job,i just feels there needs to be a middle ground.
I must add when DH was in his stressful job,yes it was stressful and with a lot of responsibility,he wasnt suffering from depression or any form of mental illness in fact he did'nt really realise just how stressful it was until he was'nt doing it anymore iyswim.
I also do not believe the posters who are saying that if this were to happen to them then they would just support their dh etc
I honestly believe that you are not being truthful,put yourself in my position say you had a fantastic lifestyle and all of a sudden your dh decided he wanted to go and do a paper round for a living because it would be far less stressful and before you say "well i would go and get a full time job"
I'm not able to work full time at the moment the hours are not there for me to take,i'm not willing to find another job as the package i have with my employer is fantastic and i would be foolish to throw that away.
Not many people have mentioned my dc in all this either,i have ensured i have found a job which works around them so i/we can give them the best possible childhood,they will go without things now DH has decided to do this
yes probably things that most dc would never have anyway but they will still go without all the same

Is there a middle ground that is attractive? Do you have one in mind op.

Sounds like less of the good bits, ie respect and salary and still not overly enjoyable and stress-free.

do you really not believe others cant accommodate drop in salary and lifestyle?that speaks volumes about you, more than the posts which you dispute, you do repeatedly assert people wouldn't accommodate salary drop and lifestyle choice.well thats what plenty here are telling you.but you no likey so are being dismissive

it isnt all about money in a relationship
you do recall the for richer for poorer bit?
you may take a drop.less consumer goods,different lifestyle.but its not penury.maybe less consumer goods yes.less stuff for your kids yes.but a more content dp

you assert you cant possible change jobs.heavens no
but want your dp to change job,get better paid one
why not apply same rationale to yourself?

You sound more ridiculous with each post, OP. It will not harm your kids to 'go without' luxuries that most children don't have anyway, might even be a useful life lesson that they can't always have everything they want.

And yes I would support my DP doing this. In fact I've several times suggested that he do it, as his job although well paid makes him miserable and I don't think it's worth it. It's his choice though.

I honestly believe that you are not being truthful,put yourself in my position say you had a fantastic lifestyle and all of a sudden your dh decided he wanted to go and do a paper round for a living because it would be far less stressful and before you say "well i would go and get a full time job"

honey, that's exactly what I did do....and we still have a fantastic lifestyle.

Believe it or not, I can assure you that I am fully prepared to support my DH through significant changes to my lifestyle if he does gets this job.

I know this is going to sound very pious but the kind of things your children are now going to go without will probably be offset by growing up in a family where the parents have demonstrated that contentment is put above materialism.

I'd recommend you read the book Affluenza by Oliver James.

OP, you are pampered.
Tell him to get a better job, work his arse off and then, if he stays sane, he can upgrade to a trophy wife.
What the man lacks is obviously sufficient motivation.

How is your package fantastic if you can only earn in a day what your dh earned in an hour?

Are you for real??

If so, you are a complete idiot, love. This is what you get for giving up on yourself and retreating into the 1950s housewife role, expecting your husband to be the sole breadwinner and then becoming dependent on the lifestyle he offers you.

I say this as someone who wouldn't want to give up my nice house/ disposable income/ lifestyle either. Fortunately, I play an equal role in providing it...

I feel sorry for your husband.

I think you really do need to explore your own earning potential OP. My dh is looking to start another business from home, which could allow me to eventually scale back.

I've been full on with my career our entire married life, and he saw how much it got to me recently and is now attempting to put something in place that will give me options.

It could take 2-3years for him to get to the place where I can scale back, but he recognises this life isn't sustainable for me long term and is trying to introduce a new revenue stream into the household to take the pressure off of me.

Can't you sit down and devise a one year, three year and five year plan? Put everything on the table, and get discussion going? You both have equal part to play in this. I can't just be down to him.

Also, is this just about shopping, holidays and lattes? If it is, then you really do need to 'cop on' as my ds would say, if there's more to it and you have real fears about the future then you need to talk.

The solution isn't necessarily him going back to a stressful job though.

no it's not just about shopping ect at all,i would be lying if i said holidays were not a factor as they have always been important to us as a family and allow us all to spend quality time together.
I'm going to sit down and have a chat with dh tonight and see if we can come up with a solution.
The bottom line is i just want us to have the best possible life we can,of course i want to dh to be happy and not stressed but i'm sure lots of us would like to do certain jobs but in reality they just dont bring in enough money.
Yes i like nice things and a nice lifestyle and want our dc to grow up having the best opportunities they can and i do actually work very hard,lots of posters seem to think i do nothing all day but want to work my dh into the ground which is not the case at all.

"quality time" isnt derived from holidays and products.thats marketing and keeping up with joneses mentality

quality time is not being overly fatigued,stressed at work or forces to work to maintain a lifestyle

I am fairly un materialistic but I have alot of mates that like the finer things in life. nice stuff in the house, 3 holidays PA, expensive clothes, mini breaks in boutique hotels, facials, meals out , waitrose goodies, mini breaks, is this what you want?

MN is very left wing and I suspect you will get flamed for wanting this

I thnk you need to have a proper talk with your husband on this, and I can imagine that if you had and enjoyed the bling bling, it must be a bit galling to have to go to Lidl!

fuck I want to wn the lottery...............

if she wants so called finer things.go get better paid job
contribute.put in so you can take out
dont just cruise on 20hrs week and expect dp to supplement the rest

I am the main breadwinner in my family - not out of choice but because my DH doesn't have the same earning power. Can't say I'm thrilled about that, but it's just how things are and we work as a team. I do suffer from considerable stress in my role, and if I decided that I could no longer cope with that stress, then I would expect my DH to support me in that - just as I have supported him over the years.

If I felt that my DH valued material stuff and fancy holidays over and above my happiness and wellbeing, well, frankly I'd divorce him. I want a life partner, not a bloody parasite.

It's not about being left wing, it's about considering the happiness of your dh.

Perhaps you could try posting on a different forum?
Possibly www.lady.co.uk/forum might give you advice and support more to your liking.