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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that some mnetters will might have a bick shock

168 replies

Laquitar · 10/08/2011 03:46

when their dcs are teenagers or older?

They might smoke, drink, take drugs and even -horror- decide not to go to university.

Giving them organic strawberries, an early bedtime and storybooks when they are 4yo doesn't guarantee anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laquitar · 10/08/2011 08:10

BloodyMary so sorry to read this. It must be very hard fot you.

rubyruby so true! Thats what i said to my dh the other day! Scary.

(i've got to go now but i will check in the afternoon)

OP posts:
Mishy1234 · 10/08/2011 08:15

YANBU. There are no guarantees, no matter how much effort you put into parenting.

However, you are more likely to experience issues if you just don't try aren't you? If you don't guide your children and do your best by them then you aren't even giving them a chance.

You can only do your best and show your children the right path and be there for them when they take the wrong one.

A lot of the young people we have seen on the news over the past few days haven't been given a chance. They have been disadvantaged from the start, whether it be economically or through bad parenting (or both).

bellavita · 10/08/2011 08:15

exotic, so there is hope for my DS2 who turns 12 in November - he sounds just like your DS2 Grin

Bloody Sad for you.

catgirl1976 · 10/08/2011 08:16

Haven't read the whole thread but I tend to assume if my DCs go to University then they will drink, smoke and take drugs. I spent 5 happy years doing that. I thought it was half the point.

ZZZenAgain · 10/08/2011 08:17

I'm not worried about the teenage years (please note this and come back and hit me with a truncheon when I am posting frantically all over the teenage board in 2 years time).

I am more worried about what happens when dd leaves home. In particular, when I read the relationships topic, so many people in bad relationship, controlling men and all the rest of it. That's what I worry about really.

AlpinePony · 10/08/2011 08:17

YANBU.

I am continuously amazed by those who believe their 12 year olds would rather play with Barbie than look at a cock!

I never knew there were so many ostriches around.

Catslikehats · 10/08/2011 08:17

laquitar and I think that if you have a good up bringing then you are far less likely to make poor choices (which is what an awful lot of "bad luck" accounts for).

I'm not pretending we can "danger proof" our children but we can help them make the right choices and I absolutely agree with bonsoirs point about peer groups and friendships.

In my early career I spent 80% of my time in the youth court. Mostly defending 14-16 year old boys charged with burglary/violence/robbery/drug crime. I represented 100's of kids. I can count on one hand (make that 2 fingers) the number of times their parent accompanied them to court. That is the sort of upbringing the vast majority of those kids have Sad

lovelyredwine · 10/08/2011 08:19

I know what you're saying OP, but I disagree with you about getting a big shock about teenagers; In fact I'll be shocked if my dd doesn't do some of the things described in your post. I had a 'typical' middle class upbringing...parents both working and still married, food all made from scratch, piano lessons etc etc and I went through a shitty period as a teenager. I lied to my parents about where I was going and who I was seeing, indulged in underage drinking, went to all night parties and told them a different tale etc. It only lasted a couple of years though and I now get on fantastically well with my parents and really appreciate the things they did/still do for me (despite the piano lessons!). All of the friends that I had as a teenager went through similar dramas and also have good times with their parents now.

I suppose what I'm saying is that I expect my dd to be hard to live with at times and to do things that disappoint me. I actually think that you're lucky if you have a teenager who is a delight to live with at all times, doesn't have a cigarette/drink to see what it's like and is sunny and polite even at 7 in the morning. I'm just hoping that by giving her the 'best start' she will come through the other side as a good person if she does go through teenage hell.

Perhaps those people who think their delightful 4yo will never be a surly 14yo were those rare teenagers I have described above!

Bonsoir · 10/08/2011 08:22

I also try to make sure that our children have plenty of fun with us so that they don't have to go slinking off behind our backs to have fun. We take the children out in the evening with us and don't frown on music, dancing etc (as my parents did).

shuffleballchange · 10/08/2011 08:23

From experience you can give three children exactly the same upbringing, all of them being weaned on organic strawberries and the like - they will all turn out different, with their own different opinions on the world and how to live their lives. Example: I am a married Mum of two, happily working part-time, my sister a single, childless police officer and my brother, well, a heroin addict, never worked a day in his life, living with a psychotic girlfriend in a hovel.

My point is, no matter what you do for your children or provide for them, they will follow their own path and may (god forbid) disappoint you on the way. I know my Dad is gutted I never went to University, but I'm happy living MY LIFE the way I want to and thats how it should be.

Now, enough of this chatting on MN, I'm now off to feed my perfect DC's their organic porridge.......................

tyler80 · 10/08/2011 08:27

Meglet - I do wonder how your own behaviour as a teenager dictates how you bring up your own and what you tolerate.

I'm always fairly shocked at what people conclude is normal teenage behaviour. It's not anything me or my siblings would have been allowed to get away with. I'm hoping my teenagers have inherited my teenage behaviour Smile

I have to say though, in my school year there were no shocks in terms of who ended up an addict/in prison/pregnant at 15. That's sad in it's own way, that for some these things were almost a foregone conclusion.Meglet - I do wonder how your own behaviour as a teenager dictates how you bring up your own and what you tolerate.

I'm always fairly shocked at what people conclude is normal teenage behaviour. It's not anything me or my siblings would have been allowed to get away with. I'm hoping my teenagers have inherited my teenage behaviour Smile

I have to say though, in my school year there were no shocks in terms of who ended up an addict/in prison/pregnant at 15. That's sad in it's own way, that for some these things were almost a foregone conclusion.

ZZZenAgain · 10/08/2011 08:27

it is essentially the same upbringing but I was talking to a child psychologist about this once -actually we were talking about somehting entirely different but we got onto this. She said 3 children in one family never get the same upbringing. They may get the same food, schooling, extracurricular opportunities and so on but you will never treat them the same so there childhood experiences are neverthe less markedly different.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 10/08/2011 08:34

Agreeing with cognito and like indeed people.

Op - you say that giving bedtime stories and organic strawberries doesn't guarantee a rosy future. You might be right but you come across as very judgy. You also possibly fail to realise that there are many parents who dont read to their kids, don't give them decent food, and instead of participating in "take your kids to work day" would view the "take your kids to loot" as much more worthwhile.

I would guess that the majority of kids who grow up with love, values, morals, ethics, boundaries and discipline, all of which are free, are more likely to be nice people when they are older. Those who don't grow up with these things are the types of kids who are out there looting and smashing things. I am shocked at how young some of these kids are. So far the youngest is 7 .... If that kids doesn't end up in prison then it will be a miracle.

Parenting has so much to answer for and it appears that there is a great need for parenting courses for some people.

Off to feed my kids organic strawberries on organic cereal with a fresh home made smoothie made with organic strawberries .....

bringmesunshine2009 · 10/08/2011 08:37

I haven't the first idea how to parent an older child through the tricky topics of drugs, sex, abuse, heartbreak, smoking, drinking etc.

I can remember very clearly my own teenage years. I had a good upbringing (very authoritarian on the part of my mother who weirdly unleashed me at 16) I rebelled hard. But ultimately grew up and became educated and employed because those were the expectations I had and were had of me.

Raising aspirations is where its at I think.

ZZZenAgain · 10/08/2011 08:39

bonsoir why were your parents against music and dancing?

Bonsoir · 10/08/2011 08:45

Oh because they are quite cerebral types who socialise by talking, going to the opera or exhibitions etc!

JaneBennet · 10/08/2011 08:50

I had a fabulous upbringing and still rely on my parents for all kinds of support (bar financial) today. They are brilliant parents and wonderful people. They gave me a large amount of siblings, and we all went through various 'phases' during our teenage years/early twenties.

I didn't go to university, I regret now that I passed up that amazing educational opportunity but don't regret the choices I made instead. I am a responsible, articulate member of society and have created a fabulous little family. I did not eat organic strawberries.

I'm creating a similar upbringing for my children and working hard to give them all the choices that I had. This is a slightly different upbringing than my DH had. We have boundaries, our children don't get everything they want but do have all they need. They will go through their own 'phase' whatever that may be when they are teenagers. We will have laid down the foundations. We do not eat organic strawberries.

exoticfruits · 10/08/2011 08:54

I think it important to get them to question everything from an early age and try to show that they don't have to just follow the herd.
Hearing all views and discussion is important. I am constantly amazed on here by parents who think they are right,and want to censor anything their DC comes across.
I often get the impression that the poster has very different views from their own parent and lacks the foresight to see that actually little Johnny doesn't agree with Mum, but thinks Grandma had it right!
The important thing is to deal with the DC you have and not the one you want. If your DC isn't academic it doesn't make any sense to get a tutor to get them into a highly academic school. If you wanted to play a musical instrument but never did, it makes no sense to sign up the DC for violin lessons if they haven't expressed an interest.
Parenting is a 2 way thing-not just a question of imprinting what you want.

AlpinePony · 10/08/2011 08:58

Bonsoir Are you sure they weren't mennonites? As the old joke goes "Sex might lead to dancing". Wink

worldgonecrazy · 10/08/2011 09:23

Some great posts on this thread. My DD does have organic strawberries every now and then, and we also have early bed times.

I have no idea what she will do to 'rebel' during her teenage years, probably be a hardworking geek with ambitions to be a librarian or research scientist.

Perhaps one of the problems these days is that teenagers have nothing to rebel against.

porcamiseria · 10/08/2011 09:45

you sound like you WANT their kids to fuck up!!!! that said these riots do seem to bring out the daily mail reader in me

porcamiseria · 10/08/2011 09:47

oh and I did all usual bad teenage things, sex, shop;lifting, drugs, but I turned out OK. issue is some kids just stay that way :-(

MichaelaS · 10/08/2011 10:34

I think anyone with a child is going to get a shock when they get to be teenagers, in the same way as most people before children will get a shock about sleep deprivation, dirty nappies and being covered in milky sick. But as the child grows you learn to deal with it.

I do think that early bedtimes, organic strawberries etc at least shows the parent is thinking about the child's best interests, regardless of whether you agree with their methods & conclusions they are exhibiting a desire to parent. And yes, in the vast majority of cases this will end up with a less troubled teenager. But most teenagers are trouble in some form or other.

Not sure what the point of the OP is though.... I don't see many people on MN assuming their precious daaahling will never never do something bad ever. By toddlerhood they have mostly disavowed us of the rose tinting on the glasses.

rainbowtoenails · 10/08/2011 10:46

The older my ds gets the more I realise how little effect parenting has on how they turn out. I've brought up both my dcs the same but one is much better behaved than the other.

Eg ds just doesnt seem to be able to take in that lying/stealing etc are wrong, regardless of whether you get caught.

Maybe a general lack of empathy is partly to blame for all this.

Morloth · 10/08/2011 10:52

I dunno, the teenagers I see around me seem pretty OK.

We do the best we can, not much else to do really. My best does include organic berries and strict bedtime, BTW.

I assume they will do all the usual teenage shit, as long as they come out the other end without having permanently screwed up their lives we will be happy.