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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that some mnetters will might have a bick shock

168 replies

Laquitar · 10/08/2011 03:46

when their dcs are teenagers or older?

They might smoke, drink, take drugs and even -horror- decide not to go to university.

Giving them organic strawberries, an early bedtime and storybooks when they are 4yo doesn't guarantee anything.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 10/08/2011 07:27

The one thing that I have found, having seen lots through from mere bumps to adults is that you cannot predict what they will turn out like!
Obviously the parent's job is to bring them up to be decent, well rounded, emotionally secure members of society, but they are very much individuals.

There is no magic solution as if 'the right' way will ensure that you get this. Co sleeping etc will not necessarily give you a close relationship with your adult DC. If you are lucky they will follow your views but they may not. One DC in the family may think that they had a wonderful childhood, another may not.

Any DC, from any background,can go completely off the rails.

All you can do is your best and appreciate that you have them for a very short time-the parent's job is to gradually give responsibility, independence and let go.If you have done it well they come back.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/08/2011 07:27

I'm twisting nothing. You're just digging yourself in deeper with some non-point. See, if you'd been smart about it you would have pinned this particular characteristic on a 'friend' rather than turning it back and making sweeping generalisations about MNers. Then we could have all had a good laugh ridiculing the 'friend' as deluded and the thread would have died a natural death. As it is, you've made it far more personal and accusatory....

SoupDragon · 10/08/2011 07:30

I don't actually think she has twisted your OP. It does come across like that whether it is what you meant or not. There are far better ways to have worded it which would not have come across as judgemental and specifically pointed at the "organic" parents.

Original poster
Laquitar · 10/08/2011 07:30

Totally agree Thumbwitch.

Bonsoir i agree about the skills that you are talking about. But i still think it depends on the child's personality aswell and also meeting the wrong people at the wrong time? Probably other factors as well?

OP posts:
Catslikehats · 10/08/2011 07:31

Damn right I will be shocked if my DC's turn out to be looting yobs.

Call me smugsy by all means but my DC are being brought up to know better, and yes that means I am saying a lot of these feral youths have not so much been brought as dragged up. I would never be as naive as to think this guarantees a fault free path into adulthood but it sure as hell makes it more likely that they wont be roaming the streets mugging innocent bystanders.

bellavita · 10/08/2011 07:33

Thumb, there have certainly been a few on here who have said their child (who is still only little) would never do xyz.

My DS1 (14) who suffers with asthma and should know better - started flipping well smoking (we have nipped it in the bud thankfully). We don't smoke, his grandparents don't smoke. And the day he turned 13, he found his voice! Grin.

I do think there is a little smugness going on sometimes.

bellavita · 10/08/2011 07:36

TheQueen, I don't think the OP is saying that they will go looting and be feral, just that they may not be quite so perfect when they become a teenager.

exoticfruits · 10/08/2011 07:40

I didn't think that OP was saying they would be looting and feral-just that you can't look at your 4 yr olds and think you know what your 14yr old would be like.

Thumbwitch · 10/08/2011 07:42

One of the things I found quite disturbing (yes, ok it's a bit of a tangent but bear with it) is that there is a proportion of football yobs and thugs who turned out to be smart, well-educated, well-off city banker types (rhyming slang could be applied appropriately to them, I feel) who were doing it "for a laugh". I'm quite sure their parents wouldn't have expected them to be throwing punches and broken bottles at supporters of the opposing teams "just because"; or smashing up shop fronts and looting in Europe at the height of the football hooliganism from UK fans. But they did.

In the end, you can only do your best to guide them - once they reach a certain point they will choose their own path and it's not easy to stop them - sad but true.

Original poster
Laquitar · 10/08/2011 07:43

Thanks Bellavita and exoticfruits. Yes, thats what i meant.

OP posts:
bellavita · 10/08/2011 07:44

Quite exotic.

I was on a thread not so long ago (cannot for the life of me remember the title) but it was of much the same. All gasps and shock that a teenager might be cheeky or smoke or not want to do homework. But the parents doing the gasping did not have older children.

With the best will in the world, if they are going to do something they are going to do it, no matter how loving, supportive you are.

youmeatsix · 10/08/2011 07:47

i can see what the OP is saying
however, i can say, the parents on here dont live in lala land
i was on another board yesterday, and the question was "how often does your child get treats/sweets?" in FOUR pages of answers, probably 100 people, not one of those children get sweets more than "one or 2 pieces a month" hmmmmmmmmmmmm

i think they live in lala land more than on here

Catslikehats · 10/08/2011 07:48

No the OP didn't, that was brought into the discussion by thumbwitch.

Of course you can't look at your four year old and know what he will be like when he is 14, there are no guarantees in this life but you can give them the best possible chance. And actually there is evidence that children who are read to and given books do better at school and therefore have more opportunities. Again that is not a guarantee of future success but it does mean they are statistically far more likely to be sucessful (and I mean that in the general sense) than someone who has not received those benefits.

Don't know about the organic strawberries though Grin

Meglet · 10/08/2011 07:49

I've known a couple of parents who seem to think they will have huge control over their teenagers Hmm. Maybe these parents were mellow teens themselves though.

As someone who was a bit of a handful as a teenager (despite being brought up 'properly') I'm under no illusions that once they are teend they will not only be as big as me they will be headstrong and hormonal. Hopefully they'll be fine, but I'm not naïve enough to think that as we go to museums, they've always been read to, don't have computer games and home grown veg that they'll be fine.

Bonsoir · 10/08/2011 07:50

Laquitar - as parents, you can do quite a lot to help your children make suitable friends, and being integrated within a strong peer group is one of the major protective factors in life. Obviously there are no guarantees, but it really does help if your teenaged children have "nice friends"!

bellavita · 10/08/2011 07:51

Grin apologies TheQueen Blush Grin

Thumbwitch · 10/08/2011 07:53

OOOOoooooo! Meglet, how did you DO that?? I'm talking about the i with two dots in naïve (I've C&Pd it here). What's the trick?

Catslikehats · 10/08/2011 07:56

No worries bellavita Grin

To be fair I take the point that none of us can know what the future holds and even the best children can go off the rails (which I think was the op's point, albeit delivered somewhat sneeringly)

However it is naive to assume that we, as parent, cannot do a great deal to ensure that our kids end up ok.

Original poster
Laquitar · 10/08/2011 07:57

TheQueenOfDenial, while i agree with your point about reading i think many people would and could be successful but have fucked their lives at some point i.e. with bad choices of boyfriends/girlfriends or bad luck. The relationship topic has good examples of this.

But yes, statistically a good start gives you better chances.

OP posts:
EdithWeston · 10/08/2011 07:57

I thought a "bic shock" was a bloody slip of the hand whist shaving with a cheap disposable.

I thought the tone of the OP unfortunate and condescending, and seems to assume very naive parents who do not notice that their children are growing up and developing their independent lives.

My eldest will be a teenager before the end of this year. I can't think of any parents with similarly aged children who think they can "proof" their teens against what the world will throw at them or predict what their children will do.

There is however consensus that it is vital, for so many reasons, to give your child the best possible start. That can mean many things - but there is a consensus that attentive age appropriate parenting (which might indeed mean the good diet, enough sleep, story times mentioned in OP for infants - different things of course for older ones of course) is an important part of the foundations.

Original poster
Laquitar · 10/08/2011 07:58

x-post with Bonsoir

OP posts:
Bloodymary · 10/08/2011 07:59

Been there, done that OP, am now raising the DD of the said teenager (who is now 33) because she is STILL doing drugs.

Some mnetters who assume that their teenagers will grow out of it are in for a big shock Sad

rubyrubyruby · 10/08/2011 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 10/08/2011 08:03

Your last sentence says it all bellavita.

If they are nonconformists who don't like authority they are are going to fight any attempts to get them to conform.
If they are risk takers who like the thrill of excitement they are going to want to live close to the edge.
If they are the addictive type of personality they may well need a prop.
etc etc etc.

I have know many a DC in the junior school who looks the dream DC. Smartly dressed, does well academically, popular, articulate, often spouting 'my mummy says' or 'my mummy thinks' and they can be entirely different 4yrs later.

I am very proud of all mine but it hasn't turned out quite as I thought.
Clingy DC 1 who had difficulty being left anywhere, was in floods of tears with anything new, needed to have friendships nurtured, had difficulties academically is now very popular, outgoing and has a good job with prospects.
DS2 who was a very difficult DS up to about 12yrs was a dream as a teenager-he seemed to have got it all out of his system early.
DS3 was the one DH and I patted ourselves on the back with as 'finally getting it right', we glowed from parent's evenings-he had no problems, he was liked by teachers, liked by other DCs was outgoing, quite a sparky personality and outgoing-suddenly became withdrawn and quite introverted as a teenager.

There is no saying what any of them will be like in 5 yrs time.
You just have to enjoy them as they are, hope for the best and keep communicating.

All the little things that people (I was no exception) obsess about when they are babies and toddlers are not important.

exoticfruits · 10/08/2011 08:06

Of course you should be reading to them, talking to them-doing whatever the governments 5 things were-I was assuming that went without saying. Giving boundries, insisting on good manners etc etc. You have to actively parent and not just leave them to bring up themselves!!