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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that some mnetters will might have a bick shock

168 replies

Laquitar · 10/08/2011 03:46

when their dcs are teenagers or older?

They might smoke, drink, take drugs and even -horror- decide not to go to university.

Giving them organic strawberries, an early bedtime and storybooks when they are 4yo doesn't guarantee anything.

OP posts:
spiderpig8 · 11/08/2011 11:47

Stealth-'Am also getting slightly tired of the "life only gets harder as your children get older" line too. Very pompous.'

why is it pompus?
How old are your DC?

Original poster
Laquitar · 11/08/2011 11:49

Well, then since you know that the rain is wet not point for you revisiting the thread, i would just click on another thread.

OP posts:
PrincessScrumpy · 11/08/2011 11:55

Working in a school I have become more judgemental than ever - this is because I have seem time and time again, kids who consistently play up 99% of the time have a "a background full of issues", this can be alcohol, parents splitting up but not putting the child first so kids get involved in their arguments, or mostly parents who have an attitude that school has a job to educate their child and it's nothing to do with them etc, etc, etc. Some kids from supportive families go off the rails but there IME is a very clear link between poor parenting and poor behaviour.

exoticfruits · 11/08/2011 11:57

Can you imagine if your parents talk about when you go to university since you were 3 and now you are 16 and you want to tell them that you dream of something else? A friend of mine who was volunteering for a childrens charity told me that they received hundreds of phonecalls from very disstressed teenagers in this situation.

I am not surprised in the least. At what point, if you are people pleaser like me, would you be able to say 'actually I would like to leave at 16yrs and get an apprenticeship as a plumber'? or 'I would like to go to art school' etc.

I know many people who have been completely unable to do this -especially when parents have thrown in 'after all the sacrifices we have made for you......' and they do as expected, get more and more unhappy and have a midlife crisis and set out to do what they really wanted to do in the first place-even that is better than having a lifetime of living the parent's dream when they don't really want to.

exoticfruits · 11/08/2011 11:59

Poor parenting is likely to produce poor behaviour.
Good parenting is likely to produce good bahaviour.
Every rule has exceptions.

janelikesjam · 11/08/2011 13:13

IT is about parents I agree. But it also about society. I think it is harder to protect children now from bad influences.

My son is 9, he has changed even from being a toddler, but not much in basic personality. So interesting thread.

I am quite excited to see how he will turn out really :)

spiderpig8 · 11/08/2011 21:50

I think the point is that teenagers adults have their own minds and we cannot guarantee anything, BUT if you can look back and say you have parented to the best of your ability then your conscience can be clear.

exoticfruits · 11/08/2011 22:11

I'm not sure that they do-I'm sure that mother guilt kicks in with 'where did I go wrong?'

exoticfruits · 11/08/2011 22:12

In that mothers generally feel guilty.

StealthPolarBear · 11/08/2011 22:35

spiderpig, my children are 4 and 2. We spent about 45 mins putting them to bed. We have spent another 20 or so mins settling the younger one. I will be up a couple of times in the night with her and the day will start at 6,
Yet apparently every single stage from now on will be worse than the previous (i.e. no let up when they're, say, 8 and 6) until they're adults.
I find that a terrifying thought TBH

exoticfruits · 11/08/2011 22:45

Don't believe it Stealth-some things are much easier-it is just different, but you adapt with them.

Original poster
Laquitar · 11/08/2011 22:53

I think the stage that is easier for someone else might be harder for you and then next stage that was hard for your friends might be easier for you.

Personally i think 4yo and 2 yo is difficult.

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 11/08/2011 23:00

shh let me pretend for a little longer. of course I know there are no guarantees of anything.. but it is nice to dream all sorts of outcomes. Grin you can only do your best.

PumpkinBones · 11/08/2011 23:28

THe OP's point isn't the (rather obvious) - you don't know how your children will turn out though is it? I interpreted it as referring to the people who say things like "I wouldn't accept that behaviour" in reference to a teenager when their own children are 2...

Joolyjoolyjoo · 11/08/2011 23:40

See, my initial post bristled a little at the thought that my parenting didn't matter, but I see I have taken it slightly the wrong way.

WRT the university thing. My parents were very much from a poor background, and both were the only children from their large-ish families to go to university. Back then, a university degree was a real boon( my dad still recalls the bank fawning over him when he applied for their 1st mortgage because he was a "graduate") This was in no way down to encouragement from their parents- in fact my papa, bless him, when told my mum was going to University said "that's great. but such a pity it wasn't our X (her older brother)"

They kind of assumed I would go to university, and I did, but only because the job I wanted to do (vet) required a university degree. Fast forward to the future, and I will be discouraging my children from going to university unless they need a degree for the job they want to do. I would just be happy that they find somethingthey want to do, tbh.

As an aside, the "perfect teen" I mentioned earlier (the one who didn't drink, didn't swear, didn't rat her hair, or whatever) and who was also, according to her parents, sooo intelligent, went to uni, got a poor degree, works as a shop assistant (but has been out of work a lot), has lots of "issues" with her parents. A university degree is not the key to the hallowed kingdom that some people seem to think it is.

AngryFeet · 11/08/2011 23:54

Stealth my dc are 6 and 4. Things are MUCH easier and parenting has become more of a pleasure than the chore I found it as the stage you are at. I think the toddler/preschool years are hard then you have a few years respite before the preteen years hit!

MillyR · 12/08/2011 00:05

Well it is true that there are no guarantees in life.

But if we are going to have a thread about cliches then it is also true that you get through a lot in life and recover from some big mistakes if you have a store of happy childhood memories to see you through.

thisisyesterday · 12/08/2011 00:10

i don't even get what you're trying to say...

you know what my kids eat organic, they read lots of books, they go to bed at an appropriate time....

i do those things because I think it's what is best for them right now.
Not because I think it's some kind of guarantee against what might happen in the future.

should we all just not bother? just let the kids eat shit, not get an education and go to bed watching tv in their room whenever they like just because when they're older they might make bad decisions:?

why do you assume that people trying to do the best for their children assume that this means they have a great future ahead of them???

thisisyesterday · 12/08/2011 00:14

"I didn't think that OP was saying they would be looting and feral-just that you can't look at your 4 yr olds and think you know what your 14yr old would be like."

so... she's just come on to state the bleeding obvious??? cos, us lot being dumb n all we might not know that??? Confused

what IS the point of this thread?

(exotic, not picking on you, just chose your quote because it summed it up nicely!!!)

exoticfruits · 12/08/2011 07:33

I think the point is (may be wrong, as I'm not the OP) is that people spend a lot of time getting uptight when their DCs are babies and toddlers posting about 'the right way to parent', as if there is some formula for all parents and all DCs and if you get it right and do all the right things you won't have the problems that people with teens or adult DC are posting about.
There is no 'right' way', what is right for one person and DC is wrong for another. If you are lucky you are well matched up with the parent and you look back and think of a situation that you think they handled really well, but your sibling may see it completely differently and harboured resentment for years.

Nature and nurture are both very important. I happen to think that nature is more important-but not everyone thinks the same. Even if it is more important you still need to nurture-you can't just opt out of parenting and leave them to find their own bedtime eat junk food etc!!

I would assume that OP comes from the sort of parent, who only has younger DCs, looks at difficult teenagers and thinks 'mine will never do that because I did x,y and z'. Irritating to those having the problem because they will have to wait 12 yrs or so to find it isn't that simple!

If you have unconditional love, security, clear boundries, good food, a good education, a 2 way communication, happy childhood memories then they will probably weather any storms that come their way. The difficult ones that I have known have come through to be perfectly reasonable adults!

Fast forward to the future, and I will be discouraging my children from going to university unless they need a degree for the job they want to do. I would just be happy that they find somethingthey want to do, tbh

On hindsight I would do the same.There is no point in just going to do a degree in your favourite subject.

mumblecrumble · 12/08/2011 07:46

Clicking elsewhere. .. What a dreadful thread.

exoticfruits · 12/08/2011 07:51

I'm not sure why it is a dreadful thread-except maybe it doesn't show that parenting is also a joy!

exoticfruits · 12/08/2011 08:02

It does happen- to a lesser degree- when they are little.
I know many a smug parent of a one and only who has 'the perfectly behaved DC' and they pat themselves on the back because it is their parenting methods that produced it and everyone could have the same if they were such good parents!
Then they have DC2 and find it was nothing whatever to do with their parenting-DC2 is a different personality and breaks every rule in their book!
They try and parent the same and they get 2 completely different results.

emkana · 12/08/2011 08:37

I do think there are steps between playing with barbies and "looking at a cock", that a 12 year old might pass through first.

Tortington · 12/08/2011 08:40

oh i don't know, barbie is a slippery road to cock

i was a sindy girl

barbie is a tramp