to think that some mnetters will might have a bick shock

[Laquitar]

when their dcs are teenagers or older?

They might smoke, drink, take drugs and even -horror- decide not to go to university.

Giving them organic strawberries, an early bedtime and storybooks when they are 4yo doesn't guarantee anything.

[Laquitar]

Good and honest post yaimee and a very good point.

I was going to ask Eggy how come she feels so cool about it but now i guess for the reason yaimee gave?

[exoticfruits]

All the ones that I have known, who went off the rails, managed to get back because they had an upbringing like yaimee's parents. Some DCs are just rebels-if they haven't got a cause they will find one! It is far more difficult to turn your life around if you missed the important building blocks in childhood.

[yaimee]

I really went off the rails as a teenager, despite coming from a home where I was treated with nothing but love and respect, where my parents always had time for me, were supportive and only wanted what was best for me.
Even though I behaved horribly until my early 20's, their efforts weren't wasted, because once I was finished being a gobshite rebelling, I was lucky enough to be able to use the qualities that my parents had equip me with earlier on in life to turn my life around, go to university, build a better future for myself and repair my relationship with them.
The difference between me and those who were not nurtured in the same way is that I knew that I had the ability, drive and support to turn my life around, so it was easy for me to do so once I decided to.
It's not really about the organic strawberries, it's just about wanting to do what's best for your child.

[EggyAllenPoe]

'barbie is a slippery road to cock'

wonders why Mattel never thought of that slogan?<

:P

[EggyAllenPoe]

well, as parental attitude is a predictor of a childs activity when they grow up - YABU

i think it is phenomenally unlikely my DC won't go to university. them organic strawberries have power, you know. my parents would have thought the same, and lo, and behold -4/4 went to university - a surprise? not to anyone.

though i'd be amazed if they never drank smoked or took drugs - when going to university poses so much in the way of an opportunity to do all those things.

[exoticfruits]

I have never seen 'their parents must be on benefits either'.

Parents need to let their DCs make their own mistakes-you never learn through someone else's mistakes. A life wrapped in cotton wool 'in case........' is no life.
I agree with niceguy2.

[Bumperlicious]

'There are so many posters say 'their parents must be on benefits' . '

I have never seen this on here. I think you are projecting.

[niceguy2]

A good parent tries to ensure that during childhood they are given enough skills, health and discipline to make their own choices, learn from their mistakes and negotiate their paths. Those paths however, are not and should not be dictated by the parents.

I'm glad someone else thinks like this. It never ceases to amaze me how many MN'ers don't let their kids do anything for fear of making a mistake or their little cherubs may stub their toes.

[exoticfruits]

Indeed-you can only be thankful that some MNetters are not Prime Minister!

[Laquitar]

I know exotic. Especially this week when there are some really dreadfull threads around.

[exoticfruits]

I would love mumblecrumble to come back and say why it is dreadful.
I can't see what is dreadful in saying that DCs have a mind of their own-I would be very worried if they didn't.

[Laquitar]

@ 'dreadful thread'. Is this the most dreadful thread you have read this week?

thisisyesterday i will just repeat it for the last time: nobody here have said that she doesn't 'bother'. But if it makes you feel better to pretend to yourself that you have read such thing then go ahead.

[spiderpig8]

Stealthpolarbear-It's hard physically when they are little, and that to some extent gets easier as they get older, but there is more than one kind of 'difficult'.
We live in an 11+ area and we have choice of grammar school, god awful secondary modern or long and expensive bus ride to a mediocre comp.My 10 yr old despite repeatedly being told there are 'no bad schools' and it doesn't matter whether she passes of fails is crying every night about sitting the 11+ because she so much want to pass and go to the same school as her brothers.
you have less and less control over their lives and the influences they are exposed to.Your means or lack of, has more and more impact on your DC and they start to notice they can't go on a £3500 world challenge trip when all their friends are.

[Pawsnclaws]

Ds1 is 8. He told me last week he's never going to drink alcohol because it's disgusting. He's going to own a shop and have seven children. They will live over the shop and I will live in the attic in a room built specially for me.

Ds2 would like to be a postman.

Ds3 displays no current ambition at the moment, but is terrifically interested in pointing to his nappy and asking complete strangers "you see my willy winkle?"

Will check back in a few years and see how that's all going, ok?!

[exoticfruits]

I think you have summed it up Starlight-good parenting is about giving them as much choice and options as possible-the ability to open doors e.g. a good education. The choice and options are then up to them.

[exoticfruits]

If you don't plan it first it makes it much simpler!

[exoticfruits]

It is just a question of being open minded. The only life that you can control is your own. When you look at your newborn baby you have no idea what you have got and you are very privileged have them to nurture, guide and encourage for a very short time.
It is lovely when they are small and you are the centre of their universe and 'my mummy says......' is spouted because mother is the expert on everything! By about 8yrs they stop this, in fact you are very lucky if you don't get 'everyone else's parents.........'!

The big mistake is to think that because you want them to be a vegetarian, Christian, Labour Party supporter,who becomes a doctor, lives in the same town and gives you a close relationship with several grandchildren-they won't be a meat eating, atheist who gets an apprenticeship,votes Conservative, emigrates to New Zealand and is gay!
What I can't understand is why this should make a difference to your relationship-they were always going to be their own person. You have to respond to what you have-and not what you planned.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

A good parent tries to ensure that during childhood they are given enough skills, health and discipline to make their own choices, learn from their mistakes and negotiate their paths. Those paths however, are not and should not be dictated by the parents.

A well educated, responsible and healthy teenager should have enough skills to CHOOSE their teenage antics and also get themselves out when they've had enough.

[Tortington]

oh i don't know, barbie is a slippery road to cock

i was a sindy girl

barbie is a tramp

[emkana]

I do think there are steps between playing with barbies and "looking at a cock", that a 12 year old might pass through first.

[exoticfruits]

It does happen- to a lesser degree- when they are little.
I know many a smug parent of a one and only who has 'the perfectly behaved DC' and they pat themselves on the back because it is their parenting methods that produced it and everyone could have the same if they were such good parents!
Then they have DC2 and find it was nothing whatever to do with their parenting-DC2 is a different personality and breaks every rule in their book!
They try and parent the same and they get 2 completely different results.

[exoticfruits]

I'm not sure why it is a dreadful thread-except maybe it doesn't show that parenting is also a joy!

[mumblecrumble]

Clicking elsewhere. .. What a dreadful thread.

[exoticfruits]

I think the point is (may be wrong, as I'm not the OP) is that people spend a lot of time getting uptight when their DCs are babies and toddlers posting about 'the right way to parent', as if there is some formula for all parents and all DCs and if you get it right and do all the right things you won't have the problems that people with teens or adult DC are posting about.
There is no 'right' way', what is right for one person and DC is wrong for another. If you are lucky you are well matched up with the parent and you look back and think of a situation that you think they handled really well, but your sibling may see it completely differently and harboured resentment for years.

Nature and nurture are both very important. I happen to think that nature is more important-but not everyone thinks the same. Even if it is more important you still need to nurture-you can't just opt out of parenting and leave them to find their own bedtime eat junk food etc!!

I would assume that OP comes from the sort of parent, who only has younger DCs, looks at difficult teenagers and thinks 'mine will never do that because I did x,y and z'. Irritating to those having the problem because they will have to wait 12 yrs or so to find it isn't that simple!

If you have unconditional love, security, clear boundries, good food, a good education, a 2 way communication, happy childhood memories then they will probably weather any storms that come their way. The difficult ones that I have known have come through to be perfectly reasonable adults!

Fast forward to the future, and I will be discouraging my children from going to university unless they need a degree for the job they want to do. I would just be happy that they find somethingthey want to do, tbh

On hindsight I would do the same.There is no point in just going to do a degree in your favourite subject.

[thisisyesterday]

"I didn't think that OP was saying they would be looting and feral-just that you can't look at your 4 yr olds and think you know what your 14yr old would be like."


so... she's just come on to state the bleeding obvious??? cos, us lot being dumb n all we might not know that???

what IS the point of this thread?

(exotic, not picking on you, just chose your quote because it summed it up nicely!!!)