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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed about this wedding invitation?

235 replies

CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 08/08/2011 18:07

One of DH's very good friends is getting married at the weekend; we have been invited to the evening reception, and were told that the ceremony was just for family only, which was fine.

Except today DH has discovered that everyone else from his group of mates and their wives have been invited to the whole thing. Some of these blokes were introduced to the groom by DH. DH has been friends with the groom for years and IMO been a good mate to him.

We're both really annoyed and are not going to go to the evening reception now. I know it's up to the couple who they invite etc, but to invite everyone bar one from a group of friends is downright nasty IMO. We got sent a gift list with our invite so I think we were just invited to bump up numbers and to buy a gift!

OP posts:
Jacksmania · 10/08/2011 14:37

Bubbles, thanks for updating.
I think you're right not to go. It's too bad your DH won't ask the groom what's up... I think you'll always be wondering why you weren't invited and from an MN point of view, it's all a bit unsatisfactory :o - I'm sure I'm not the only one who really wants to know!!!
But if your DH won't ask and you can't do some quiet asking of your own, I suppose you're stuck. :( for you, what a crap situation.

NattersAndMutters · 10/08/2011 14:41

Why would they feel bad? I wouldn't in their place. I've invited them, it's up to them if they come or not.

fedupofnamechanging · 10/08/2011 14:43

I'd feel bad inviting people to only the evening bit, but inviting all the mutual friends to the whole day.

NattersAndMutters · 10/08/2011 14:43

That is, as the B&G I might feel bad if I had not invited them at all and they still gave me a present. But not necessarily.

fedupofnamechanging · 10/08/2011 14:46

The B&G probably won't feel bad, regardless, because they don't appear to care how this looks to the OP.

Curiousmama · 10/08/2011 14:46

Sad How awful and so rude.

Your dh does right to cool it with the groom.

NattersAndMutters · 10/08/2011 15:07

Friendship should be about more than a few hours on a particular day, anyway. It all sounds very petty.

minipie · 10/08/2011 15:14

They've been very rude to exclude just one friend from a group, with seemingly no reason, and (especially) to lie about it to you.

but

I also think it's rude to pull out of a wedding event on 3 days' notice when you have no practical reason not to go. However, if you think you wouldn't be able to be nice on the day (and I can understand why you wouldn't), then agree it's best not to go.

I guess what this shows is that they're just not that into you...

Original poster
CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 10/08/2011 15:23

minipie, we haven't pulled out of a wedding. As said previously, we weren't invited to the wedding. Just to the evening part at which we would have to have bought our own drinks and would probably just have stood around talking to random people whilst all the tables are taken up by guests that have been for the whole day.

To be honest, we're moving on from it now. We're happy with our decision not to go, if that makes us look horrible or rude or mean spirited or petty then we're not really bothered now. If someone offends someone then it offends someone and we feel offended and DH doesn't want to pursue the friendship from now on. I'm sure the bride and groom won't feel offended - or probably even realise we aren't there - as it is going to be quite a big wedding by the sounds of it and it's difficult on your wedding day to get round and talk to everyone and see exactly who is and isn't there. And in any case, we don't feel that they deserve our friendship or time any longer. At least we know where we stand regarding this friendship, as some have harshly pointed out that they "probably dont' like us".

We're not buying a gift to make them feel bad, we're buying a gift so we can hold our heads up high and say we've behaved in a dignified manner. I feel that we have acted in a very dignified way, we haven't ranted and raved or confronted the groom (who would want to risk upsetting a bride or groom before their wedding day, it just isn't a done thing is it?). I daresay DH will find out why we weren't invited at some point as he is obviously friends with lots of the other guests.

In any case I'm going to bow out of this thread now. Thank you to those that have been helpful, supportive and constructive.

OP posts:
evenlessnarkypuffin · 10/08/2011 15:26

I think both you and your DH have handled it very gracefully.

minipie · 10/08/2011 15:31

Well, I agree it's not that big a deal to cancel if it's just an evening do, it's not like you're messing up the seating plan or anything.

It's a shame you'll miss a night out with your DH's group of mates but I can see why you wouldn't really be able to enjoy it.

I think YANBU for being annoyed and not going but YABU for posting in AIBU and only wanting answers that agree with you... Hmm

Hope you have a lovely Saturday.

DontGoCurly · 10/08/2011 15:31

You're right not to go. How awkward it would have been for you. I hope you don't buy them anything too fantastic.

There is no problem Minipie with not going to the evening invitation (the 'insult' as it's called in Ireland!) as OP's presence or absence makes no difference to the bride and groom's dinner numbers. So it's absolutely fine etiquette-wise to simply not attend, especially under these circumstances.

I'm sure it will be quite awkward for you OP and your husband in future get-togethers. The only way forward is dignified as you are now. I'm sure at some stage their 'reason' will become obvious.

Regardless they've behaved in a very nasty and vindictive way. With a group either invite all or nobody. Excluding one couple can be interpreted as nothing other than a deliberate snub.

Sorry you had to go through this OP.

evenlessnarkypuffin · 10/08/2011 15:34

Grin at Minipie. The whole thread is about the fact that they were the only ones in their group only invited to the evening do and not the wedding.

Original poster
CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 10/08/2011 15:36

"I think YANBU for being annoyed and not going but YABU for posting in AIBU and only wanting answers that agree with you... "

There really was no need for that little sting-in-the tail minipie. I did say thank you to everyone that had been supportive, helpful and constructive, I didn't say thank you to all that agreed with me. Lots of posts that disagreed with me were constructive, sadly a few weren't and were just insulting.

Anyway, this really is my last post on this thread as we're all sorted now and moving on :-)

OP posts:
Quenelle · 10/08/2011 15:38

I wouldn't go. I would feel hurt and snubbed and would like to think I would just graciously decline the invitation and back off from the friendship.

But the reason why they had singled us out would eat me up inside - because I'm insecure like that Grin

sausagesandmarmelade · 10/08/2011 15:41

I can completely understand how you feel...

Does seem very strange.

As your partner is a friend of the groom he should be able to ask why you were both excluded from the ceremony.

Making a decision not to go is certainly NOT flouncing....(I hate that copycat term). Since when did making an informed decision not to go to an event equate to 'flouncing'? How ridiculous.
See what answer you get..and base your decision on that.

minipie · 10/08/2011 15:51

DontGo and narkypuffin

I know it doesn't mess up arrangements, but I do think that if you've said you'll go to something (even if it's only an evening do), then "etiquette" dictates that you go - however offended you feel. Though, as I said, I can very much understand why the OP would want to cancel and I think it's probably for the best in this case.

Bubbles apologies for the sting in the tail, you're right it wasn't needed, it had been said by others anyway.

MightyQuim · 10/08/2011 17:13

I think we should now concentrate on finding the OP a suitable gift for the happy couple.

How about this www.ebay.co.uk/itm/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=290526598958 (only if neither of them cycle obviously)

or this www.find-me-a-gift.co.uk/key-holder-key-hooks-his-n-hers-key-hooks-happy-hookers.html?utm_source=froogle&utm_medium=free&utm_term=His+n+Hers+Key+Hooks+-+Happy+Hookers+Key+Holder&tc=FR-box060

Obviously coupled with a gushing card to your 'special friends' on their wedding day.

MsAnnThroppy · 10/08/2011 17:46

You're acting with tremendous dignity, OP. I hope you and DH organise a lovely night out for yourselves and that your future friendships are happier than this one.

However, I am a nosy cow and I hate not knowing what happened very interested in the psychology of friendships, so if you ever do find out why they did this, and you don't mind sharing, do come back and tell us. All the best to you, don't let this get you down.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/08/2011 17:47

How about a book of Etiquette for Dummies? They are clearly in need of it.

NattersAndMutters · 10/08/2011 18:04

It is possible that the bride doesn't like one or both of them, and perhaps she has her reasons.

But I think it's far more likely, in the circs, that it's just an honest mistake. It's often the bride's mum, sister or similar that does the addressing and envelope stuffing, and it's easy done to put the wrong card in an envelope, especially if you don't know all the invitees yourself: some of them will just be names. A pity not to check with someone beforehand, didn't have to be the B&G themselves.

bandgeek · 10/08/2011 18:16

I would buy them some towels from Primark. Or a Tesco value kettle or something.

But I'm petty like that Grin

Curiousmama · 10/08/2011 18:17

Grin @ book of Etiquette for Dummies

MightyQuim · 10/08/2011 18:30

What about one of those tacky ornaments that's like a teapot house with little mice all around it?

minipie · 10/08/2011 18:32

Natters I thought that at first, but the OP says they've been told they weren't invited to the rest because it was "family only". If they've actually been given a reason they weren't invited, it can hardly be a mistake?

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