Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed about this wedding invitation?

235 replies

CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 08/08/2011 18:07

One of DH's very good friends is getting married at the weekend; we have been invited to the evening reception, and were told that the ceremony was just for family only, which was fine.

Except today DH has discovered that everyone else from his group of mates and their wives have been invited to the whole thing. Some of these blokes were introduced to the groom by DH. DH has been friends with the groom for years and IMO been a good mate to him.

We're both really annoyed and are not going to go to the evening reception now. I know it's up to the couple who they invite etc, but to invite everyone bar one from a group of friends is downright nasty IMO. We got sent a gift list with our invite so I think we were just invited to bump up numbers and to buy a gift!

OP posts:
Yama · 08/08/2011 21:45

Don't go.

Is there a chance that they have changed their wedding plans? That perhaps originally the day was family only and then they changed it but due to a cock up have forgotten to upgrade you and your dh? [Being generous]

Probably not.

Balsam · 08/08/2011 21:48

My gut feeling is that this is down to the bride. Men are usually not petty in this way.

warthog · 08/08/2011 22:22

i agree, balsam.

minxofmancunia · 08/08/2011 22:32

YANBU, I wouldn't go either, we didn't have evening invites everyone came to the whole thing.

That said some of the guests who attended our wedding and wrote gushy messages in the wedding book saying how much they loved us didn't even honour us with an evening invite at theirs a few years later.

It's left a bitter taste in my mouth tbh and made me dislike weddings immensely, they obviously didn't value our friendship at all. Fuckers.

hairfullofsnakes · 08/08/2011 22:57

Yanbu at all. Def don't go! Tell us what happens! Drop em and concentrate on worthwhile friends x

hairfullofsnakes · 08/08/2011 22:58

Mind thats horrid. Poor you

But at least you got a pressie out of the fuckers Grin !

Loonytoonie · 08/08/2011 23:09

OP, sorry but I've only skim read the first page of responses (and FWIW, I DON'T think it's a toys out of the pram situation at all).

Just playing Devils's A here, but is there ANY chance, just any chance that there's been an oversight on their part here? It sounds a whopper of a mistake to make, but quite possible in the frantic run up to a wedding. Can't your DH tackle it head on and ask someone? You both have absolutely nothing to lose by querying it tbh; I think I'd rather do this instead of going to the evening do and appearing as 'good sports'. Stuff being good sports - a snub is a snub and they clearly don't feel the same way about your friendship as you and your DH.

Loonytoonie · 08/08/2011 23:10

Meant to add, ignore this if it's already been covered.

notlettingthefearshow · 08/08/2011 23:12

It's probably just about the numbers - don't take it personally. It's very difficult getting the guest list down to the required number and it is impossible not to offend someone. Even if it isn't a small wedding, they probably still have limited numbers.

It does sound harsh being the only ones excluded from a group, but I would only stay away if you feel that strongly about it.

clam · 08/08/2011 23:13

OK, so the rest of the group had no idea you weren't invited to the whole thing. Word will have got round by now and I bet someone knows, or will ask the B & G why you've been left out. The thing is, will they tell you? Or prefer to shield your feelings by professing ignorance?

timidviper · 08/08/2011 23:20

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable not to go. I have posted on here before about a similar incident we had with a so-called friend who did something similar. It is very hurtful and makes you feel like the left out kid in the playground.

FWIW it probably damaged the friendships of the woman who did this to me and DH as others were as shocked by her actions as we were. Hopefully your friends will feel the same.

Just decline the invitation and be rather cool with them from now on, they're clearly not the good friends you thought they were.

Taffybird · 08/08/2011 23:35

I think you're right not to go. I'd be pretty insulted in your position. Not so much for the lack of invite (there could be any number of reasons for it), but because they lied about it. And I agree it's rather presumptuous to put the gift list in an evening invitation.

If you want to salvage the friendship, leave it at that. Be back to normal and cheerful and all "Congratulations! Sorry we missed it!" when you next see them. Maybe hand over a small, token present (NOT from their gift list) as part peace offering and part retort to their cheeky request for gifts!

Kidette · 08/08/2011 23:46

My bestfriend got engaged and when it came to the invitations for the wedding she announced that I was on the B listers. The main problem for me was that her and her fiance brought my future husband and myself together and he was to be bestman at their wedding. My so called "best friend" had another friend as her bridesmaid and suggested to me that I couldn't compete with the bridesmaid in the "look" department, ie not being a Barbie doll. When my friend and her fiance decided to cancel the elaborate wedding and get married without either set of parents knowing I was invited along with my partner but I decided not to accept the invitation. If I wasn't good enough to be on the A list for the original wedding then there was no way I was going to attend the secret one.

LDNmummy · 08/08/2011 23:50

Just because you introduced these other friends to the couple or have known them longer does not immediately mean you are closer to them. Maybe they are closer to these other friends and even consider them close enough to invite them to that part of the day as their closest friends. Maybe they are not as close with you and your DH even if you thought that wasn't the case.

sayithowitis · 09/08/2011 00:07

Several years ago my 'BF' did something similar to me. We had been friends ever since infant school. When she re-married, she explained it was going to be very small, 'just family' and she elaborated on this by telling me it was going to be her children from first marriage,her parents, Db, SIL, DNephew and DNiece and her new husbands mother and children from his first marriage. No problem. i was pleased she had found happiness with someone new and wished her good luck. Then she called and said she had decided to have a 'hen' night out with friends and she would love me to go. Of course, I was more than happy to go. So, there we were, half way through our meal, when the conversation turned to what everybody else was wearing to the wedding! I muttered some excuse about not being able to get a baby sitter ( though it then turned out they were all taking their children along, so must have realised I was lying). I felt so hurt that she thought it better to lie to me than to tell me whatever her real reason was for not inviting me. And to invite me on her hen, when she must have realised that I would find out that everyone else was invited!

Anyway, it upset me deeply that she would lie to me, and I decided that clearly she didn't think of me as being such a good friend as I had always considered her to be and I decided the friendship had clearly run its' course.

So, I do understand your hurt and I certainly do not consider that you are in anyway 'throwing your toys out of the pram'.

Original poster
CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 09/08/2011 00:26

sayithowitis, thats awful, I don't blame you for feeling upset and deciding the friendship was over.

OP posts:
sunshinenanny · 09/08/2011 03:02

These friends are not only rudre they are liars and I would not go either. The service is the important part of a wedding and if you are not considered good enough to attend that, it's insultimg.

Yourefired · 09/08/2011 05:51

Upsetting situation no YANBU to be upset/annoyed, unless there is a misunderstanding or very good reason they have been impolite. Sounds like the main friendship in the group is with DH. What does he want to do, as any action will impact on him the most in the long term?

iscream · 09/08/2011 05:54

They are not really friends, or else they would have invited you. I don't think you are unreasonable at all for not attending.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 09/08/2011 06:11

I definitely wouldn't go. Sod them. And there is no way this is an oversight. We all know how much planning and deliberation goes into guest lists. If you hadn't received an invitation at all you might get away with thinking they just forgot you and would have a "bollocks, we forgot Ronnie and Mildred" moment. This is deliberate.

I'd decline the invitation and I'd leave it at that. I wouldn't even flatter them by asking why.

rainbow2000 · 09/08/2011 08:38

I think its awful they lied to you.I think if they had been honest you might have went,but i cant understand how they thought they wouldnt be found out they cant be that thick.I think its terrible the way people think its ok to treat people like this and expect a gift for the evening do,no way go and spend the money on yourselves.Also msybe they thought somebody would do their dirty work and somebody else would tell you the reason why you werent good enough to be invited for the whole day.

diddl · 09/08/2011 08:52

I wouldn´t go either.

They don´t care enough to have to witness the ceremony.

I doubt that they´ll notice your absence in the evening.

Highlander · 09/08/2011 09:00

A. Maybe there's been a HUGE oversight when the invites were written. This is usually down by the bride, right? If it's just the blokes hanging out she maybe got mixed up, or maybe he omitted you from his probably scrappily written list then later didn't make it clear to the bride when you and your DH should come.

B. As a member of a large group of friends, maybe your DH sees the groom as a close friend, but those feelings are sadly not reciprocated. It's heartbreaking to find out like this, but that's life. You can't force people to like you. As another poster said, move on and open your hearts to making more valued friendships, rather than undignifying yourselves by chasing this one.

I'm thinking maybe your DH could phone the groom and ask for a pint? he could then be blunt and say that you're both hurt that everyone else in the friendship group is invited all day; that he thinks the group as a whole was close. If the groom doesn't think of your DH as a close friend then I think you need to shake hands and move on, politely decking the evening invitation.

MorelliOrRanger · 09/08/2011 09:15

Nope I wouldn't go. :( I feel sad for you though.

empirestateofmind · 09/08/2011 09:50

I wouldn't go either.

Sad
Swipe left for the next trending thread