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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed about this wedding invitation?

235 replies

CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 08/08/2011 18:07

One of DH's very good friends is getting married at the weekend; we have been invited to the evening reception, and were told that the ceremony was just for family only, which was fine.

Except today DH has discovered that everyone else from his group of mates and their wives have been invited to the whole thing. Some of these blokes were introduced to the groom by DH. DH has been friends with the groom for years and IMO been a good mate to him.

We're both really annoyed and are not going to go to the evening reception now. I know it's up to the couple who they invite etc, but to invite everyone bar one from a group of friends is downright nasty IMO. We got sent a gift list with our invite so I think we were just invited to bump up numbers and to buy a gift!

OP posts:
Bandwithering · 09/08/2011 09:52

Marz, I think you're right there. People have a right to acknowledge that they feel hurt, angry, excluded. it's not wrong to feel those things. How you handle it is going to be different for every individual, but bearing in mind that nobody is ever obliged to go to a wedding, it does seem silly to have a stiff upper lip and go to the evening part when you feel hurt by the friends who have lied to you.

and soupdragon, plenty of times i've not gone to evening dos when I would have made the effort if i'd been invited to the whole day. plenty of reasons and mostly practical!!! if you're invited for the whole day then it's an honour, and worth arranging overnight accommodation and buying a present and an outfit, and 250k worth of petrol! ha ha. But to be honest there's no way on earth I'd pay for overnight accommodation just to go to an evening do.

FatStanley · 09/08/2011 09:58

We had the same thing happen except for the wedding was abroad and everyone from the group except us was invited. We have now pretty much lost touch with the couple (although most of the group have too now).

YANBU about being annoyed and although I'd want not to go DH (who is nicer than meGrin)would have made us go in your situation!

Katisha · 09/08/2011 09:59

I agree wth the poster who doesn't like two-tier weddings.

The last one I was invited to expected us to travel 200 miles to th ceremony in morning and then hang about until let in again in the evening, thus requiring overnight accomodation both before and after.

No way. Why bother even asking people? Have a smaller wedding and just have the people you really want.

EightiesChick · 09/08/2011 10:07

YANBU but I would say why. No angrily, just get your Dh to calmly tell his 'good friend' that they thought the daytime bit was for family only, have discovered it's not, so would rather give the whole thing a miss.

Agree on two tier weddings. Most people were travelling for ours so we cut our cloth accordingly and everyone who was invited came for the whole day. I have since heard of many other dos where people are expected to come for the ceremony, then conveniently go away while the A-listers get the top-notch reception, then come back later for the evening do. People should just moderate their reception a bit and have everyone there, rather than forcing people to find some child-friendly place in a town they don't know and hang around there for 4 hours. Not that nice to your 'friends' is it?

Ephiny · 09/08/2011 10:13

That does sound a bit odd and rude. I guess they don't see the friendship in quite the same way you do :(

I don't really like these 'two tier' weddings either, far too much potential for situations like this. Much better to invite the people you really want there, and then have the catering etc that you can afford. If that means tea and sandwiches in your back garden, then so be it!

Anyway I really don't get inviting someone to your wedding but saying they can't come to the actual wedding part Confused. I thought the main point of inviting people is so they could see you get married, the reception is just a polite thing to do so you can thank them for coming and feed/entertain them for their trouble! I guess not everyone sees it that way these days though.

porcamiseria · 09/08/2011 10:16

yanby...fuck em!

scaryteacher · 09/08/2011 10:19

The other aspect is how this then affects the OP's whole social circle afterwards. Does she and her dh still socialise with the same people or do they get dropped from that circle too? It makes it very awkward whatever happens.

It could be that the bride feels threatened by this social circle and is trying to detach her soon to be dh from his friends, especially those that are perceived to be a threat to her. I've seen it done on several occasions.

TheMonster · 09/08/2011 10:24

I was thinking about that too, scaryteacher. I wouldn't go to the do, but I would have an alternative - we got last minute tickets for the theatre or something.

pigletmania · 09/08/2011 10:25

Sayithow that is disgusting, what a nasty spiteful person. That would be the end of our friendship and I would tell her so.

scaryteacher · 09/08/2011 10:29

I'd tell them I'd had a better offer, and make sure that everyone else in that circle knew that we hadn't been invited to the whole day, which is why we weren't in attendance.

ceebie · 09/08/2011 12:02

You seem to assume that not going to the wedding would be more polite than mentioning to the groom that you felt hurt at their actions. In my opinion, it would be a much better for you DH to talk to his 'good friend' than to boycott the wedding.

verylittlecarrot · 09/08/2011 12:19

Similar thing happened to us recently, we were the only B-listers from a circle of friends. It smarted a little since we had invited the groom to our wedding and reception but he obviously decided not to reciprocate. I suspect the bride (who we know less well) made the guest list decisions and was not too concerned about etiquette! In the end we went to the evening do with good grace, but now at least we have clarity on where we stand.

Saski · 09/08/2011 12:27

I'd be really hurt, but I would probably go. I was only able to invite less than half of my total wedding guests to my ceremony and that was tricky. Try to empathize with the fact that they've got their own wedding politics to deal with (in-laws, etc). I really do feel for you.

NattersAndMutters · 09/08/2011 12:41

Who has officially sent the invitations? I mean, what does it say on the card? Traditionally it is the bride's parents, so does it say eg "Mr & Mrs Bridesparents invite XX to an evening reception to celebrate the marriage of their daughter etc"

clam · 09/08/2011 12:50

Don't see that it matters who the invitation is officially from. If the bride's parents, they'll have been directed by the bride.

NattersAndMutters · 09/08/2011 12:57

I was thinking that any enquiry might politely be directed to the official inviter. It is just another route that could be taken.

Yes, it might have been "directed by the bride" but there is still margin for error. It only takes something to get into the wrong pile, after all. If I was that upset about it, I'd definitely want to get that ruled out before taking umbrage.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 09/08/2011 13:06

"Try to empathize with the fact that they've got their own wedding politics to deal with (in-laws, etc)"

Sorry, but that's bollocks.

There is no family politics that will mean someone insisting that one of your oldest friends is only invited to the evening reception while the rest of the social group go to the whole day.

The invitation is an insult and the lie makes it worse.

Don't go, don't give a reason, don't contact them again.

It'll be pretty obvious to them why not, given that other people now know about the snub.

NoobyNoob · 09/08/2011 13:08

That's really shitty of them.

You're doing the right thing, I certainly wouldn't go either.

Bollocks to them.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 09/08/2011 13:10

Totally agree with SheCutOffTheirTails. It's not about evening guest vs day guest. It's about you being excluded, rudely, from a group you thought you were part of.

Bollocks to them is right.

fishtankneedscleaning · 09/08/2011 13:32

I have not read all the replies so forgive me if i am repeating others (Which I probably will be).

Personally I can't stand other people's weddings. I would be relieved that I didn't get an invite BUT I would be pissed off if everyone except DH got an invite. Would I go to the evening do and feel compelled to buy a present? Would I hell! Sod em and cross them off your Xmas card list.

Gonzo33 · 09/08/2011 13:43

SheCutOffTheirTails you haven't met my MIL then. She told Mr Gonzo that if one of his lifetime friends went to the wedding that she would leave. He did tell his friend the situation though, but he felt awful. I told him he should invite him anyway and she can jog on, but he had not long made up with his Mum and didn't want to rock the boat.

Nancy66 · 09/08/2011 13:46

Fuck 'em - if you are absolutely certain that you are the only couple in your group of friends relegated to the evening do then I wouldn't go either.

I've always hated weddings that categorise their guests

crystalglasses · 09/08/2011 14:03

To add to my previous post, we were so delighted to be invited to what we thought was the wedding, but in fact turned out to be the evening disco (without proper food, only nibbles, as all the guest had just eaten at the wedding) that we gave them a really expensive gift from the wedding list they had sent us.

Greenshadow · 09/08/2011 14:38

Now I differ a bit from the majority.

By not going you are showing that you are hurt and upset.

I would attend and have a lovely time with all your friends and be exceedingly polite and friendly to the B&G. Ask them how the ceremony went and ask to see all the pictures afterwards.

Show them you are above their pettiness and hopefully they will feel embarrassed and guilty.

pleasethanks · 09/08/2011 14:53

Honestly, I would say go, be civil and then cool the friendship immediately after. Having said that, if it will be costing you a lot of money to go, I wouldn't bother.

If you go and then cool the friendship I feel you are being the bigger person/people. If you decline to go there is chance that you will be perceived by the B/G and group to be petty (not that I am saying you are).

I would be really annoyed if I were you. Weddings are a bloody minefield.