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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed about this wedding invitation?

235 replies

CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 08/08/2011 18:07

One of DH's very good friends is getting married at the weekend; we have been invited to the evening reception, and were told that the ceremony was just for family only, which was fine.

Except today DH has discovered that everyone else from his group of mates and their wives have been invited to the whole thing. Some of these blokes were introduced to the groom by DH. DH has been friends with the groom for years and IMO been a good mate to him.

We're both really annoyed and are not going to go to the evening reception now. I know it's up to the couple who they invite etc, but to invite everyone bar one from a group of friends is downright nasty IMO. We got sent a gift list with our invite so I think we were just invited to bump up numbers and to buy a gift!

OP posts:
busreject · 09/08/2011 14:57

If i could i would link to a previous thread, it is almost identical especially the bit about it being dh's friend - is it a man thing ?

We were invited to the ceremony but no room for meal ( in same place ) so they were going to bus the rejects away into town and then back again later for disco.

we didnt go !

Am still wondering how to deal with seeing them at christmas. My dh being a typical man will probably behave like nothing happened ( he went to the stag weekend even though he knew the situation ) I on the other hand will find it v hard not to tell them to F off and go and talk to their 'real' friends

thats assuming they will lower themselves to talk to us in the first place (small town bound to see them at some point over the holidays ! )

but then i am known for my extremely long memory and inability to forgive slights !

carpetlover · 09/08/2011 15:04

I think someone from the group has to do a little digging on your behalf. Do you know any of the other women well enough to call them up and ask them if they can find out why?

I am however, surprised that people think an evening invitation is rude. It's usually the way to go with work colleagues etc. But, I would never expect anyone to travel more than 5miles for an evening do and, I think it's very bad form to put a gift list in with an evening invitation. I have never received a gift list with an evening invitation.....Which is now making me wonder whether they've made a mistake and written your names in the wrong one but inc a gift list because it was you and tyhey thought they were inviting you to the whole day IYKWIM. This definitely calls for some digging!

But if it turns out no mistake then I'd also be very hurt and wouldn't go.

carpetlover · 09/08/2011 15:06

Just to add buy evening do I mean evening do, not a weird situation where you are expected to come to church then hang around whilst a select few eat! That's outrageous!

carpetlover · 09/08/2011 15:06

by

Katisha · 09/08/2011 15:06

YEs agree you need to get one of the other friends to clarify the situation for you.

Jacksmania · 09/08/2011 21:02

Just read through the entire thread - am adding my name to those who said your DH should ask the groom or someone in the group should do some digging for you.

This is really shit and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it :(

pigletmania · 09/08/2011 22:12

I just would not go tbh, you don't have to go to a wedding and really I could not be there knowing all the rest of our friends have been to the whole day. I could not look the couple in the eye or feel comfortable.

clam · 09/08/2011 22:20

Any developments, bubbles?

Your position is untenable really. I don't see how you can possibly go. But also, it has implications for future social events. Are you going to feel comfortable even sitting in the pub for a drink with them?

pigletmania · 09/08/2011 22:24

I would definitely cool off the friendship as they have made it quite clear how they see you.

MorelliOrRanger · 10/08/2011 09:35

Personally I wouldn't involve any of the other friends. If your DH is supposedly good friends with the groom he should directly ask him.

Nefret · 10/08/2011 10:09

It happened to me once, all my other friends were invited all day to a wedding and I just got an evening invitation.

I didn't go and I never really spoke to my friend that much after. If that was the way she felt so be it, I could do without friends like that.

Your friends have invited others and not you and then they have lied about who is going in the day. I wouldn't be happy with that and wouldn't go.

maryclarey · 10/08/2011 11:01

I wouldn't blame you for not going - I really think it's bad manners to exclude one couple like that.

We had a situation where we were (seemingly) invited to a whole wedding, but realised on looking at the invite again that while we were invited for the church service and to the wedding venue for a drinks reception after, we were then expected to take ourselves off to a nearby town to get our own dinner, before later returning for the reception! There were 10 other people that we didn't know also in the same situation. There wasn't even a bar / restaurant at the wedding venue so we could get some food there, so we were forced to pay for taxis to the nearest town to eat at a Wetherspoons of all places. We were also sent a gift list. I was fuming, but (as you'll have gathered) we went. I've regretted it ever since.

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 10/08/2011 11:05

Don't go OP. This couple are, by lying to you whilst knowing that you would find out about the lie, sending a clear message that your friendship is not important.

As the the gift list, cheeky and grasping, it somehow makes the whole thing worse.

farnywarny · 10/08/2011 11:12

YANBU. I would be pissed off too. And I wouldn't go at all either

NattersAndMutters · 10/08/2011 11:27

This couple are, by lying to you whilst knowing that you would find out about the lie, sending a clear message that your friendship is not important.

If that is the case, I'd have thought a more effective message would be not to invite them at all.

I still think it would make sense to check that it's not a mistake before getting bitter. They may not have "lied", they may simply have changed the original plan to invite family only.

bigknickersbigknockers · 10/08/2011 11:29

Dont go Bubbles YANBU.

MerylStrop · 10/08/2011 11:34

Crikey
Just bloody go and have a good time
Tell them later that your feelings were hurt - if you must, if you haven't got the wrong end of the stick, if it really matters
You will look totally up yourselves if you don't go

harrietthespook · 10/08/2011 12:08

I'm not sure I would ask or have someone ask on my behalf. It MIGHT be a mistake. More likely it isn't. Would YOU want to be in the position of asking the same question of a bride and groom, however offhandedly, a few days before the wedding, potentially delivering the message: yes it was intended.

If it's relatively little effort - i.e. you'd poss be in front of the telly with a curry otherwise and the site isn't much of a trek - AND it will be fun to spend time with the others I'd probably still go along to the evening considering the wedding is this weekend. You probably won't see much of the bride and groom at anyway.

If it involves hotel fees or substantial taxi costs then I imagine I'd be thinking of an excuse. Tell them you have an early start the next day and can't make it back in time.

Lynzilove · 10/08/2011 12:28

I know the feeling OP, I was asked to be bridesmaid and my OH was asked to be best man for a friend. I then found out I was pregnant and due a month before the wedding so we decided to pull out (didn't want to cause any problems, buying dresses, stag/hen dos etc) which they seemed ok about.

All along we have spoken as if we would be at the whole event, discussing hotel rooms before and after and a mini hen do the night before etc.

However, received the invitation a couple of weeks ago and it was to the evening do only. I was a bit put out as it's 2 hrs away, starts at 6 on a Friday, we will have a 1 month old and we classed these 2 as extremely close friends.

We are going but that's at my OH's insistence that he's going to drive etc.

begonyabampot · 10/08/2011 12:40

Don't go. You probably won't enjoy it, will spend money and feel embarrassed and self conscious. You will also feel resentment towards the couple and you shouldn't attend someones wedding if there is bad feeling.

NattersAndMutters · 10/08/2011 12:52

I can't understand why people bother with all this wedding crap anyway, it usually causes stress, ill-feeling and resentment. And it's all so trivial.

Toobluntforboss · 10/08/2011 13:11

I agree with greenshadow actually - I totally understand why you are hurt and upset and would feel the same however would you not have a good night out with your other friends? No need to let B&G see they have upset you and will make it clear to your other friends what happened. I'm also one hoping that your DH asks why rather than lose the friendship straight away - if it's going to be lost anyway, why not ask why? I would also only buy a very small token present as that way you know you have behaved with utmost dignity whereas they have clearly not! Good luck.

StealthPolarBear · 10/08/2011 13:24

Any update OP?

I am in 2 minds about 2 tier weddings - we didn't have one, however we went to one as the second tier - was a distant family wedding where MIL and FIL were at the all day event and their children & partners went to the ceremony and evening do. There were a lot of us doing that, and it was actually quite fun -ceremony, bit of sight seeing, pub in the afternoon then back for the party :o

Original poster
CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 10/08/2011 14:19

Hello everyone. Thanks again for all the replies.

We're still standing by our decision not to go. DH has spoken to the groom and told him we can't make it due to his work (he does work away a lot and works erratic hours so it's very plausible). He's not going to mention it to the groom, especially not this close to the wedding, and is going to cool it with him. We will buy a small gift and a card and send it on to them.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 10/08/2011 14:34

I wouldn't buy a gift. You only buy a gift if you actually attend. Or are you doing it to make them feel bad (in which case, go ahead - they deserve to imo).