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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed about this wedding invitation?

235 replies

CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 08/08/2011 18:07

One of DH's very good friends is getting married at the weekend; we have been invited to the evening reception, and were told that the ceremony was just for family only, which was fine.

Except today DH has discovered that everyone else from his group of mates and their wives have been invited to the whole thing. Some of these blokes were introduced to the groom by DH. DH has been friends with the groom for years and IMO been a good mate to him.

We're both really annoyed and are not going to go to the evening reception now. I know it's up to the couple who they invite etc, but to invite everyone bar one from a group of friends is downright nasty IMO. We got sent a gift list with our invite so I think we were just invited to bump up numbers and to buy a gift!

OP posts:
Hippee · 08/08/2011 19:48

Is the wedding in an area known for inbreeding? Perhaps all the other guests ARE related to the bride and groom Wink

warthog · 08/08/2011 19:48

i wouldnt' go.

you don't have to condone their behaviour by towing the line.

Original poster
CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 08/08/2011 19:51

Warthog, that's exactly how I feel and why I'm surprised that some on here think we should just be the better people and attend regardless of how we've been treated. I wouldn't feel true to myself, and I think Dh would feel the same, if we turned up smiling away and pretending to have a fantastic evening when quite frankly we both feel shat upon.

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 08/08/2011 19:53

The invitation offends, so it is fine not to go.

They aren't upset at not being invited to the whole day, they are offended because they have been snubbed and deceived.

There is no obligation to accept an invitation, or to attend an event where the hosts have been rude to you.

Inviting people to the evening reception can be a nice option, but not like this.

supercal · 08/08/2011 19:56

CallMeBubbles - if you're surprised some people think YABU, and disagree with them, then you probably should have put this in Chat :)

But I do agree with you, and am very interested to know whether you are going to try and find out what the reasoning behind it is.

Maryz · 08/08/2011 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 08/08/2011 20:11

I just would not go op, you made the right decision, its about self worth and saving face. I personally would not feel comfortable during the evening, knowing that these 'so called friends' do not value you, as much as you do them, and on top of it lied. I just could not look them in the eye. I think that you and dh should just cool it off, they have made it perfectly clear how much you mean to them.

GhoulLasher · 08/08/2011 20:12

YANBU of course not. If you are annoyed enough not to attend then I would also tell them why. Well out of order!

FriskyMare · 08/08/2011 20:13

Bubbles I don't think YABU to have posted in this section or to decide to give this wedding a miss. What a hurtful thing for the B&G to not include you when the rest of the group of friends have been, another poster likened it to inviting the whole class bar one (like a recent thread that had me in tears of a boy not being invited to a class party that was held at the house next door). :( for you and your DH

pigletmania · 08/08/2011 20:14

shecutofftheirtails exactly! It's the principle and the meaning behind it. We were just invited to the afternoon bit of a wedding, it was fine as we were not close friends of the couple, but if they had been friends that I regularly meet up and considered to be good friend, and had helped them in the past, than I would be very offended and insulted.

MsAnnThroppy · 08/08/2011 20:15

You and your DH have been treated very shoddily, OP. I think you and DH need to think about whether you want these twunts in your life (provided there hasn't been a misunderstanding, of course).

However, I am in two minds about how you should proceed.

  1. My initial instinct is don't go. However, I would not make up excuses or give explanations but be enigmatic about it. Sod them, they don't deserve you having to make things up as well as treating you like crap. Just say you are no longer attending and leave it at that. If they can't work out why, they are stupid as well as socially ignorant.
  1. The chutzpah option. Turn up to the ceremony (I don't think they can stop you, even if it is a civil ceremony, because they have to do the any reason why they cannot marry bit, don't they). Turn up wearing your wedding dress or black mourning attire and bawl loudly through the ceremony. Bring your children too and feed them something with e-numbers beforehand. Let them run around a bit. Muscle your way into the wedding photos and decant any champagne on offer into an empty litre bottle, for later. Ignore the gift list, buy them a cheap toaster as present and a 2for1 voucher from the local Harvester. When they go for the meal, open up your pre-prepared picnic and go and sit in the garden or other place where they can see you from inside. Wave cheerfully to them as you tuck in and get legless on your litre of champagne. Then, for the evening do, hog the dancefloor and make yourself a take away box from the buffet. Flirt outrageously with the FILs. Allow your DCs to run riot a bit more. Have a ball and never see the bride and groom again.

OK, the latter is from my sick fantasies. Not advocating ruining their wedding, but don't let them have your dignity either, just don't go is my advice.

I don't have experience of this specific scenario, but DH and I have been required, in recent years, to question the behaviour of people we thought were friends. There's been no big discussion or fall out. We've basically just seen less and less of them and we don't actually miss all their games. I think some friendship groups are a bit sick/narcissistic when you look at them from the outside, but it's only when you're on the outside that you can see it for what it really is.

pigletmania · 08/08/2011 20:16

It is similar frisky if this was a child's party, there would be outrage from MNetters. I think that people forget that adults hurt and have feelings too.

NattersAndMutters · 08/08/2011 20:17

I hate weddings anyway, and would be glad to have been let off the hook. The whole wedding thing seems to become ever more ludicrously expensive and results in much offence being given and taken.

I don't mind dropping in to an evening do if it's local, but that's quite enough for me. I still give a modest present, so I do appreciate having a gift list, complete waste of money forking out for something people don't actually want.

pigletmania · 08/08/2011 20:23

By not going, you are keeping your dignity intact and making a stand in a discreet way.

Original poster
CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 08/08/2011 20:23

MrsAnnThroppy I have just laughed and laughed at your post :D I totally agree about the friendship group thing, and have done similar to you with some friends in recent years.

Supercal, I'm not surprised people disagree with me, I'm surprised that some people think it's still a good idea to go to the reception despite everything. That doesn't mean I didn't want to hear other viewpoints though. And I can't remember whether it was you who said you were interested to see whether we follow it up? Well I think as it's DH's mate it's his call really, but I have told him he needs to ask, either the groom himself or one of the other friends, but DH doesn't like a fuss, like I say he's very laid back, and I think he'll just cool it off with this friend and let it go. If it was my friend though, I would definitely be asking they whys and why nots about all this :-)

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 08/08/2011 20:30

He would rather lose a friend than ask what the issue is?

pigletmania · 08/08/2011 20:31

Not much of a friend if they lie to you, and don't see you as one.

Original poster
CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 08/08/2011 20:34

I think so, yes, TheOriginal. Clearly this bloke wasn't all we thought he was as if he was a proper friend and had a problem he would have approached DH about it and talked about it. Not acted like a child and gone about it all in a passive aggressive playground way.

OP posts:
forehead · 08/08/2011 20:42

Don't go. I deffo wouldn't

pigletmania · 08/08/2011 20:43

Its not something you bring up with the person directly either, it looks a bit Hmm, another friend would clarify things on your behalf to see if a mistake or misunderstanding had been made.

clam · 08/08/2011 20:56

I don't think YABU at all. The thing is, by leaving you out yet inviting everyone else who is generally perceived as being on a par in the social group, they've been prepared to make a fairly blatant public statement that they must know will upset and humiliate you. And they don't appear to have a problem with that. That on its own would be enough to make me decline to go. Send notice that you regret that you are no longer able to attend (give no specific reason - let them work it out) but that you wish them well for the day itself and in the future.

Then book yourselves a lovely day out somewhere on the proceeds of the gift money, hold your heads up high and appreciate your real friends.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 08/08/2011 21:06

Either there's a reason, or there's been an almighty cock-up.

Are the other friends a "group" in any other way that your DH isn't, e.g. schoolmates?

I think a quiet word with the best man is the way to go, unless you've got a reason to assume you've been snubbed. Then you can work out whether to go. On the whole, I think it's more important to appreciate that they want you to share in their day than to get the hump about which part you're sharing; but if you've been deliberately excluded from the friendship group as well as the wedding, maybe they're not the friends you thought they were.

Hope you can find out why - and hope it's an admin error.

acatcalledfelix · 08/08/2011 21:11

I'd be hurt and upset too. If everyone in the group is supposed to be on a par with everyone else, then this is just plain rude. A really good friend of mine got married last year and had no choice but the have "tiers" due to the ceramony venue being v small, the the meal space a bit larger, and the disco space bigger still. She found it really hard, but she explained to each friend who was not included in the first or second stage exactly why they weren't, and everyone was fine and understood. She'd have loved to have everyone for the whole day, but couldn't, and invited those closest, who she saw most often, to the whole day.

Being told it's just for family is just plain wierd, how could you not find out? I think you need to get another friend to ask them what has gone on for this situation to have arisen. Maybe your DH just hasn't seen as much of the groom as the others have recently, or maybe there has been a mistake.

I think it would feel odd just going to the evening knowing everyone has been there all day, but not really knowing why.

WholeLottaRosie · 08/08/2011 21:26

This reply has been deleted

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pigletmania · 08/08/2011 21:32

I think that the OP said that her dh would cool it off, I certainly would. Its symbolic of the friendship