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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed about this wedding invitation?

235 replies

CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 08/08/2011 18:07

One of DH's very good friends is getting married at the weekend; we have been invited to the evening reception, and were told that the ceremony was just for family only, which was fine.

Except today DH has discovered that everyone else from his group of mates and their wives have been invited to the whole thing. Some of these blokes were introduced to the groom by DH. DH has been friends with the groom for years and IMO been a good mate to him.

We're both really annoyed and are not going to go to the evening reception now. I know it's up to the couple who they invite etc, but to invite everyone bar one from a group of friends is downright nasty IMO. We got sent a gift list with our invite so I think we were just invited to bump up numbers and to buy a gift!

OP posts:
cathers · 08/08/2011 18:37

I'd be upset too but if I was very good friends with them, I would have to ask why the lies and exclusion. If I did not know the reason, it would taint the friendship. At least if I knew why I was excluded from the group could chose to accept it or be upset.

YANBU

FabbyChic · 08/08/2011 18:38

I wouldn't go either, sounds like an out and out piss take.

evenlessnarkypuffin · 08/08/2011 18:38

If it were a group of female friends it would take a little wine and pressure and one of them would spill. I don't know the male equivalent.

TheOriginalFAB · 08/08/2011 18:40

This does seem very odd.

How did you find out that every one else is going to everything?

I would calmly have dh ask why you haven't been invited to the Church and have you done anything to upset them? Hopefully you will get a response and you can make a decision about the evening do based on that.

MigratingCoconuts · 08/08/2011 18:41

wow, this would really upset me! Did they not think you would work it out when chatting to the others?

I think you are right to do what you are comfortable with. As to working out why, I think you need to decide how important that is to you. You could try one of the other mates. If you ask the groom, I would wait a while so as not to be accused of upsetting the couple near their happy day.

YANBU

InstantAtom · 08/08/2011 18:41

Are you sure it wasn't just a mistake?

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 08/08/2011 18:44

I wouldn't go either, I wouldn't consider them friends any more. Real friends don't blatantly lie to you.

LynetteScavo · 08/08/2011 18:46

Something similar happened to DH, but we knew it was because we had DC (we could easily not have taken DS1 and DS2 was only a few weeks old, so would have been fine during the evening do...he could have slept in his car seat, or I could have gone to the hotel room.I'd have been quite happy to sit outside the church with him, as it was a 2child free" wedding. But we weren'' invited to the ceremony, which hurt DH, so he refused to even go to the evening, and hasn't spoken to the couple since. Sad

I understand you are hurt, but personally I would try to rise above it. (Anything for a free buffet, me. Wink)

HerdOfTinyElephants · 08/08/2011 18:46

If (as it sounds) they have specifically lied to you about the ceremony and reception then I think YANBU to decide not to go at all. But how on earth did they expect you not to realise that they'd been lying?

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 08/08/2011 18:48

I think in our case bride wasn't too enamoured with my DH, plus finances etc.
So at least DH didn't feel he'd fallen out with his mate, just that groom was perhaps a bit hen-pecked by bride.
Anyway I know we invited lots of people just to join us in the evening of our wedding, mainly colleagues etc, most of them seemed happy to join us on a pleasant summer evening for a celebratory drink or two, and perhaps a dance.
Tricky to get these things right, but one should try !

ENormaSnob · 08/08/2011 18:48

I too find it odd, and rude, that they would do this.

Are you sure you haven't pissed them off?

JanMorrow · 08/08/2011 18:49

This would be upsetting yes, and I don't think I'd attend either.. I'd actually ask the groom why (after the wedding probably!) as your dh is a bit upset. Careful consideration goes into wedding invites so it won't be on a whim..

SoupDragon · 08/08/2011 18:52

If they are all mates, just ask the others what it is all about.

Refusing to go is rather like throwing your toys out of the pram though.

chocolatchaud · 08/08/2011 18:54

I would be quite put out and upset about this too. The whole thing seems strange, particularly the lie. It was obvious you would find out.

I wouldn't go and would make up a plausible excuse, but one that is obviously an excuse e.g your babysitter has let you down and you can't possibly get another one, even though there is a week to go.

Maryz · 08/08/2011 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOriginalFAB · 08/08/2011 18:58

If you ask and it is a mistake/misunderstanding you still have the chance to get an invite. If you wait until after it could be that the B & G are mad at you for not going if they thought you had been sent an invite.

MightyQuim · 08/08/2011 18:59

YANBU. Can't stand 2 tier weddings. If you're not important enough for the ceremony imo you shouldn't be invited. Inviting people for presents and to make up numbers is crass. And before anyone says it's a financial/venue capacity issue. You can make sure you book a venue big enough for everyone important to you to attend and you can decide how long you need to save up for that and how extravagant or not your day is going to be.
I can't stand begging gift lists put in invites either but putting them in the invites of the 'less important' guests takes the biscuit!

Original poster
CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 08/08/2011 19:01

soupdragon in what way is not attending us throwing our toys out of the pram? I think it's far more sensible not to go; why would someone with any pride go to something they'd been excluded from and lied to about?

Thanks for the replies BTW everyone.

OP posts:
Bandwithering · 08/08/2011 19:03

I think it's fair enough not to go to the evening part actually.

tbh, I think there'd be a high rate of declinature (!) for the evening bit. Don't think it'd raise that many eyebrows. Anybody who they REALLY want there is going to be at the day part.

SoupDragon · 08/08/2011 19:13

"soupdragon in what way is not attending us throwing our toys out of the pram"

In what way is "we're not going because we aren't invited to the whole lot" not like throwing your toys out of the pram?

SoupDragon · 08/08/2011 19:15

" Anybody who they REALLY want there is going to be at the day part."

thats not necessarily true. I would have loved to ditch some of my family from the day part to make space for friends.

supercal · 08/08/2011 19:17

I wouldn't go other, but I would question why I was left out from the day, just in case it was a mistake or if there was anything I'd unwittingly done to offend them. In your case, your DH needs to ask.

I don't like 2 tier weddings as a rule and deliberately didn't have one. The venue thought we were quite odd for not IIRC.

I think they are great in some circs though but you need a blanket rule. I come from a ridiculously large family and a trend has developed for aunts & uncles to be invited to the day and the truckloads of cousins to the night only. That seems v sensible to me and me and the other cousins have all been happy with that.

In your case though, it seems v odd they told you no one else in your circle was going to the day when that wasn't the case. It's not like you weren't going to find out Confused

worzelswife · 08/08/2011 19:17

I wouldn't go either, I'd be too upset. It sounds very nasty of the couple.
I would also try to raise it with them to ask them about it, because it is very hurtful. Especially if you have done a lot for them.

MightyQuim · 08/08/2011 19:18

Genuine question soup. Why didn't you save for longer and choose a bigger venue if you wanted your friends there that much?
I don't think the OP is throwing her toys out of the pram. Pretending everything is fine when you have been excluded and lied to isn't something to be proud of.

Original poster
CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 08/08/2011 19:19

*"soupdragon in what way is not attending us throwing our toys out of the pram"

In what way is "we're not going because we aren't invited to the whole lot" not like throwing your toys out of the pram?*

No, I disagree that it is. It's not like we're ranting and raving at the bride and groom and causing a scene is it? I think it's more sensible not to go than to go and not want to be there because of what's happened.

OP posts:
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