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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed about this wedding invitation?

235 replies

CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 08/08/2011 18:07

One of DH's very good friends is getting married at the weekend; we have been invited to the evening reception, and were told that the ceremony was just for family only, which was fine.

Except today DH has discovered that everyone else from his group of mates and their wives have been invited to the whole thing. Some of these blokes were introduced to the groom by DH. DH has been friends with the groom for years and IMO been a good mate to him.

We're both really annoyed and are not going to go to the evening reception now. I know it's up to the couple who they invite etc, but to invite everyone bar one from a group of friends is downright nasty IMO. We got sent a gift list with our invite so I think we were just invited to bump up numbers and to buy a gift!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 08/08/2011 19:20

I would not go either. Its not about being childish, its the way in which they view you and your dh. You are not good enough to go to the whole thing, but you are good enough to go to the evening reception and get them a gift Hmm. They lied and said it was only family, but its not its the group of friends that you all hang out with, bar you and dh. This would not be acceptable in a child party to invite the whole class bar one, its not acceptable in adulthood either. Lack of etiquette. Its an insult tbh.

Gissabreak · 08/08/2011 19:22

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HappyMummyOfOne · 08/08/2011 19:22

I wouldnt go either, if they can lie to you then they are not really friends.

Very cheeky re the wedding list too but then I hate requests for gifts as its tacky and grasping.

Original poster
CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 08/08/2011 19:23

Thanks MightyQuim, that's exactly how I feel. I'm the kind of person who prefers to have things out in the open and to have honesty. If we keep a "stiff upper lip" on this occasion when we've been treated shodily (and before anyone says we haven't, lets face it being lied to by friends is shoddy treatment), then these friends wont' think twice about treating us badly again.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/08/2011 19:24

I agree with you, OP, I wouldn't go either. You and DH have been excluded and seemingly are the only ones to be excluded from the group of friends. That's not acceptable.

All you need to do is RSVP, politely declining, and leave it at that. I suppose though that this invitation is going to cast a bit of a blight on your friendship... how can it not? Confused

azazello · 08/08/2011 19:24

YANBU to be upset but it is worth checking if you can. My DH's best friend got married and had an incredible complicated multi-tier invitation arrangements which predictably went completely wrong. DH was an usher and we ended up missing most of the reception tracking down friends who were supposed to be at the reception but had been sent the wrong invite/ invite hadn't made the situation clear.

It really is possible that they have just completely cocked up.

nykxx · 08/08/2011 19:25

have a word with the best man, if you know him. i would rather know before the wedding in case it is a genuine mistake. but going direct to the bride or groom may be seen as a tad insensitive this close to the wedding itself.

your pretty much in a lose lose situation so your self respect might be all you have left!!

nykxx

Sidge · 08/08/2011 19:25

I can understand why you would be hurt, but there may be a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Making assumptions and snubbing the evening do then seems a bit "cutting off your nose to spite your face" really. If the groom is that good a mate to your DH then you rise above it, go, and find out after what it was all about.

Gissabreak · 08/08/2011 19:25

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TrillianAstra · 08/08/2011 19:26

Maybe the friend (or his DW-to-be) don't like you.

Original poster
CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 08/08/2011 19:27

LOL, Gissabreak, that's really mean of them. Did you ask why you weren't invited?

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 08/08/2011 19:28

I would be the bigger person and go, make a point of being very gracious, THEN drop them. Surely the rest of the group will be embarrassed when you and your DH wander in just for the evening- it will make the couple in question look petty to everyone else. Whereas if you don't go, they can just say you declined the invitation.

Are the rest of the friends aware that you and your DH have been left out so awkwardly? Has anyone commented on it? I know if this happened in my circle of friends it would be gossiped aboutcommented on.

But obviously you shouldn't go if you will feel resentful. If the other friends know and are a party to this, I'd be reconsidering ny friendships with them too, tbh.

Original poster
CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 08/08/2011 19:31

Until today when my DH spoke to one of the group, they all assumed we were going, JoolyJooly.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/08/2011 19:32

Maryz... that's awful. How can anybody really think when they're planning these things, that people won't know and be terribly hurt.

I had this scenario with a work colleague. I did attend the evening 'do' (watching lairy, drunk colleagues falling about) but felt really out of place and I wish I hadn't bothered to go. I don't work in that place anymore but I still feel a twit for going and it still smarts.

PumpkinBones · 08/08/2011 19:32

It's not becuase they're not invited for the whole day though is it? I wouldn't care about that. It's the fact that they lied about it which would fuck me off. And it's such an obvious lie - it would have been apparent on the day, / looking at the photos / conversations afterwards that it wasn't in fact a family only do. Unless they were planning to get all the other friends to lie about it, which really is childish. I might be hurt to be the only one excluded if it was done more openly, but would still go and celebrate and be happy on the day. In the circumstances, I think it is reasonable for the OP to withdraw their acceptance.

Gissabreak · 08/08/2011 19:34

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LynetteScavo · 08/08/2011 19:34

Actually, I think you should go to the ceremony (they really can't stop you!)....then not to the afternoon bit, then re-emerge for the evening. People will ask where you were...you can ask loudly how it all went. They will look stoopid!

Joolyjoolyjoo · 08/08/2011 19:35

In that case, CallMeBubbles, I imagine that this couple will have made themselves look pretty mean in the eyes of the rest of the group. I wouldn't be impressed, even if I was one of the couples "fully" invited, and I would think twice about the kind of people who would do this. It reflects much more badly on them than it does on you, tbh.

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 08/08/2011 19:37

SoupDragon "In what way is "we're not going because we aren't invited to the whole lot" not like throwing your toys out of the pram?"

To me it's more like "we're not going because we've been blatantly lied to from someone who is supposed to be a friend."

happygilmore · 08/08/2011 19:38

I don't think I'd go either, not to flounce but couldn't be arsed really. It does sound like they have a problem with you though, any idea why?

crystalglasses · 08/08/2011 19:38

Are you sure they were invited to the wedding? We were invited to what we thought was the whole do and it turned out that it was only to the late afternon/evening knees up. I don't often get wedding invites, so I didn't realise. I was slightly pissed off when I realised as we had booked the same hotel and had to hide in our room while they were arriving from the chuch and having photos etc before their formal wedding meal. C'est ;a vie, though. We enjoyed it in the end.

Original poster
CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 08/08/2011 19:39

Lynette, unfortunately the wedding is a civil ceremony at the reception venue or else I would love to have done that! :D

Jooly, yes you're right, it does reflect badly on them doesn't it? DH says his other friend that he spoke to was shocked we weren't invited.

OP posts:
PumpkinBones · 08/08/2011 19:40

Unless the OP finds out there are some amazing reasons for this, which seems unlikely, this really is yet another example of people thinking that their wedding is carte blanche to act like an utter twat, and whatever unreasonable behaviour they exhibit is acceptable on the grounds that it's "their day"

Original poster
CallMeBubblesEverybodyDoes · 08/08/2011 19:42

I totally agree, PumpkinBones

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MunchkinsMumof2 · 08/08/2011 19:44

My dh was invited without me to a friend's wedding as he "hadn't been with me long enough". He politely declined the invite and we went on holiday instead! I don't think you should go but I do think your dh should have a quiet word with the groom just to make sure there hasn't been a misunderstanding.

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