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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To totally understand why this woman of triplets did this?

203 replies

WhiteTrash · 07/08/2011 10:45

Im totally prepared for freak outs and be told IABU to empathise with this woman. A friend has twin 3 year olds, she goes to group meets with other mums of twins and triplets. One of the women had triplets (now 3), when they were 4 months old her husband left her. Come night time she'd struggle with only having one pair of hands so used to wash, dress and feed the babies, stick them in their cot put on her trainers and go for an hours run. By the time she came home they'd be asleep.

My initiak thought was oh my God! But actually, being a mum of a baby (and child) myself with my partner present I know how hard it is. Let alone three babies with no help (at least, not every night I know parents of multiples can inlist some help but I dont know the ins and outs if that).

So AIBU to totallu understand why she did this?

OP posts:
MeMySonAndI · 10/08/2011 14:02

OhDearNigel, in the same way that such terrible allegations were ignored, I assume that SS won't spend any of their very limited time resources in dealing with three babies who are, relatively safely, sleeping in their cot for an hour.

There are many aspects to be a single parent without support that supported single/partnered parents will never understand. Because for them dropping the children for a couple of hours with the granny, leaving them with the sister or let partner to baby sit is a benefit so taken for granted they can't see it anymore. I have had a woman complaining she was practically a single mother dealing with raising the children on her own, I didn't find it difficult to point out... a single mother how? what lack of support? you have a nanny, parents that babysit at a whim and a partner happy to keep the finances in good order? Hmm

There are more stresses added to the fact of having 3 demanding young babies at home. This woman must have been very stressed and probably sad or bitter after being abandoned by her partner during pregnancy, worrying about money, etc. She went for a run... good, I'm sure that helped her to keep her sane, and also, I think I wouldn't have had the energy to get myself out of bed if I had been through all that on my own with three babies.

I don't think it is ok to leave 3 babies at home on their own. I wouldn't have left mine, but... I have never been in that position but only half way through and ... I wouldn't judge.

MightyQuim · 10/08/2011 16:34

What would ss do? Well they would point her in the direction of some mh support for starters - which if you are at the point of abandoning 3 of your screaming children for an hour you desperately need imo.
I would imagine in situations as desperate as this emergency overnight foster care could be used if this is the time of day the mum particularly struggled with.
What they absolutely wouldn't do is forcibly remove the children or knowingly allow the mother to leave them alone as some on here have suggested.
Of course you can't judge the woman for feeling at the end of her tether - I imagine most people would in her situation but you have to condemn the coping strategy she chose.

breatheslowly · 10/08/2011 19:57

I don't think that it is necessarily a question of mh support. As colditz mentioned above this woman would effectively be running with a 12 hour deficit in terms of looking after her babies. What would mh support really do - either have some pills (probably to create some of the chemicals that running would release) or talking therapy - where would she put her babies to be able to do this? Yes this woman might have been depressed, but I think it would be a reactive depression and she would really need a solution to the situation as well as mh help if she was going to resolve her depression.

Given that childminders can often only look after 1 child under 1yo, it is astonishing that anyone could care for triplets on their own.

MightyQuim · 10/08/2011 20:11

Well I think that that kind of responsibility has got to impact on your mh. And I think the womans mental health must have been skewed for her to leave her kids alone. I mentioned mh support because I know in my area they do group counselling sessions on the nhs that provide a free creche. If she was that desperate for time away from the kids at least that would be a way she could have it while they were being cared for.
I'm just pointing out that there was absolutely no way that the woman basically had no choice but to do what she did as some people seem to be saying. There's no way on this earth if she had spelt out exactly how desperate she was to anyone whose job it is to safeguard children that they would have just left her to continue coping by leaving the babies alone - she would have likely been offered emergency overnight care as I said.

BagofHolly · 10/08/2011 20:40

I'm sure you mean well, mightyquim, and I take your point but seriously, if you're at the end of your rope with your babies, and just about holding it all together by letting them self settle whilst you go for a run (and exercise is v good for mental health) then someone offering to put your children into emergency overnight foster care would be like someone offering to remove your eyeball with a chilli covered teaspoon. As I said earlier, I'm not condoning her maladaptive coping mechanism but if it was me (and it almost was me - there but for the grace of God and my mum, was I) and I had that choice, I'd tell you I was doing fine and cut the run down to half an hour.
I would NEVER EVER EVER forgive myself if I had to put my kids in foster care. I'd feel I'd utterly failed.

And what good does emergency care do anyway? It's not a long term solution. The mum MIGHT get some kip, but then she's got social services involved, a husband that's nobbed off and still got three babies! Forever!

Sharney · 10/08/2011 21:02

You don't have to condone a persons actions to empathise with them. What she did/does is negligent and should anything happen to those babies while she's not there she'll be very sorry and of coarse she should try and get help asap.

MightyQuim · 10/08/2011 22:17

Well what does the run achieve if you want to look at it that way? It's also not a long term solution unless she's going to nip out at bedtime every night until the kids leave home. I'm not saying having the kids put in overnight care would be ideal. I'm just saying it would be better for the children than being left in the house to scream themselves to sleep. I would forgive myself a lot easier for making sure that my kids were looked after than I would for abandoning them.
I don't have triplets but I have been in the situation where I have been unable to cope with my babies and have had to get outside help and of course it isn't a good feeling to have to admit you can't cope but it wasn't about me it was about what was best for my kids.

breatheslowly · 10/08/2011 22:36

Part of the reason that the running was a good solution for her (not that I condone it) is that it was available on any day she needed it. It would give her a little sense of control and autonomy. Once weekly therapy sessions with a creche wouldn't give her time to clear her head if what she needed was time away from the babies and away from thinking about them. Nor would it be useful to her on a Tuesday if the session had been on the Monday and she had to wait for another week to get one hour off to spend with a group of other depressed people just to get an escape from her 3 children. Running for an hour might actually work long term in a rather crude form of sleep training (I don't know anything about sleep training). She clearly needed some form of respite, but ideally within her and her babies' own home, like a night nanny perhaps. It is interesting to consider this thread and the one about a MNer cosleeping with her 6 week old niece when giving her SIL a full night's sleep.

MightyQuim · 10/08/2011 22:42

It might have been a good solution for HER but she wasn't the only one who needed considering.
There was a story in the news not long ago about a woman whose baby died in their cot when the house caught fire when she was walking her older child to school at the bottom of the street. You should never leave kids too young to escape/know what to do in an emergency situation in the house alone - ever. It doesn't matter how convenient it may have been for her it just isn't an option imo.

baboos · 10/08/2011 22:47

Exercise is indeed good for for mental health, some might say that going to the local wine bar for an hour is too..........yet I don't believe anyone would condone anyone doing that whilst leaving baby/babies at home alone screaming. What makes the two things different??

I know there is no support for mums of multiples, I was literally on my own for 5 months, we had just relocated 150 miles away from family and friends, no mum (sadly passed away) or friends to help out, no night nanny etc. So believe me when I say I DO understand where this situation can take you with regards to your mental wellbeing. However when you make a choice to become a parent, your priority has to be the welfare of your children, therefor you just get on with it, and if you can't cope, you ask for help, if that be from ss, then so beit. Surely this is better than something unthinkable happening whilst she was not there, which would definately prove detremental to her mental well being.

valiumredhead · 10/08/2011 22:53

I would imagine in situations as desperate as this emergency overnight foster care could be used if this is the time of day the mum particularly struggled with

Well, it's a nice thought that help is out there if you ask for it but ime it's not and it's like asking for the moon on a stick!

MightyQuim · 10/08/2011 22:57

OK so are you suggesting that the woman in this scenario would visit her gp or call out her hv and say 'I can't cope - I'm going to walk out of the house tonight when I've put the kids to bed' and they would do nothing? Or they would snatch her kids away never to be seen again as they seem to be the two extremes expressed on this thread?

valiumredhead · 10/08/2011 22:58

They might make all the right noises and point her in the right direction for help - but actually getting the help is a whole different ball game ime.

MightyQuim · 10/08/2011 23:01

So you think that after expressing her intent to leave the kids she would be left to do that? I disagree.

valiumredhead · 10/08/2011 23:03

Not if she expressed her intent to leave but just ringing up for help - nah sorry, you are VERY lucky if you manage to get continual support/help.

MightyQuim · 10/08/2011 23:06

Well that's what she needed to do. Sometimes you need to push for help and let people know how serious the situation is. If you don't give people the full picture then they how can they give you the appropriate support?

valiumredhead · 10/08/2011 23:09

My point is that ime there ISN'T the appropriate support out there to give.

MightyQuim · 10/08/2011 23:11

So what do you suppose ss would do if she told them about her bedtime runs?

valiumredhead · 10/08/2011 23:16

Probably offer a couple of hours a week Homestart help - but that is a drop in the ocean where triplets are concerned.

I don't know I WOULD like to hear about people who have had really good help and support but as someone said up thread it's sadly lacking.

What do you think would happen MQ?

MightyQuim · 10/08/2011 23:30

Well I don't think they would offer a couple of hours Homestart help if the woman had said she was leaving that night. I think if she pushed she would get something more immediate.
I'm not saying that help is easy to get. I have been fobbed of myself. But in hindsight a lot of that had to do with my own pride and not wanting to admit the true extent of my problems. I had wised up by the time I had ds. I told the professionals exactly how low I was feeling and funnily enough I received better support.
There is always the temptation to pretend things aren't as bad as they are and that seems to be what the woman in the OP is doing. If she goes for that run she can cope alone and doesn't have to admit that she's struggling or accept outside help. But she was leaving her kids in danger and I can't condone or understand that.

valiumredhead · 10/08/2011 23:34

I'm glad you got the support you needed MQ but I found it impossible even when desperate so you will excuse me if I am sceptical.

MightyQuim · 10/08/2011 23:43

Sorry to hear that valium but, in fairness, neither of our situations are the same as the one in the OP. I would be very surprised if a ss would knowingly leave 3 babies alone in a house. It would surely be a sacking offence for anyone involved.

BagofHolly · 10/08/2011 23:54

My best friend's mother suffered from terrible, well documented mental health issues and decided she couldn't cope, and tried to drop her son aged 12, at social services, saying she couldn't cope. They gave her a good talking to, and sent her home.

Social services do not have the capacity or resources to help women like this one, who are coping for 23 out of 24 hours a day. And it's not about pride either. Asking for help is hard because often, especially where babies and routines are concerned, by the time you've explained what needs doing, and got everything ready, you wonder is it really worth the effort! Getting one baby ready is hard. 3 lots of clothes/feeds/meds etc and you think "forget it, I'll do it myself!"

MightyQuim · 10/08/2011 23:56

I think it's likely things have improved since then. Could you imagine the uproar if ss sent a desperate mother home with a child and she harmed them?

maypole1 · 10/08/2011 23:59

She learn that from mrs mccan