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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To totally understand why this woman of triplets did this?

203 replies

WhiteTrash · 07/08/2011 10:45

Im totally prepared for freak outs and be told IABU to empathise with this woman. A friend has twin 3 year olds, she goes to group meets with other mums of twins and triplets. One of the women had triplets (now 3), when they were 4 months old her husband left her. Come night time she'd struggle with only having one pair of hands so used to wash, dress and feed the babies, stick them in their cot put on her trainers and go for an hours run. By the time she came home they'd be asleep.

My initiak thought was oh my God! But actually, being a mum of a baby (and child) myself with my partner present I know how hard it is. Let alone three babies with no help (at least, not every night I know parents of multiples can inlist some help but I dont know the ins and outs if that).

So AIBU to totallu understand why she did this?

OP posts:
BagofHolly · 07/08/2011 16:20

Those who can't understand it, I'd ask that you post this and see the response of other mums of multiples. Until you've walked that path you cam have no idea of the overwhelming relentlessness of it all.

Thumbwitch · 07/08/2011 16:26

I can understand why she'd want to do it, and I can understand why she'd feel the need to leave them to cry it out; but to actually leave the house and run for an hour - no.

My MIL decided when her firstborn had been on the dummy long enough - she took it off him then went to the bottom of the garden (a long one) while he screamed it out. She could still hear him but not at sufficient level to really grate on the nerves. When he stopped screaming, she went in to check that he was asleep - that, I can accept as ok.

Leaving 3 babies alone in the house for an hour I can't accept as ok - too risky by far. I don't care that they are now 3 - she was bloody lucky.

And there is no hell too bad for the bastard father who left her to deal with that, btw.

Ripeberry · 07/08/2011 16:28

She could be on the verge of full-blow PND and this was her ONLY way of coping? The neglectful person in all this was the husband for leaving them...the ba%^*d!

bonkers20 · 07/08/2011 16:59

To do it once as a matter of utter desperation, maybe, but not time after time. As a parent you have a responsibility to get help. You can't just leave three tiny babies alone for an hour to cry.

Andrewofgg · 07/08/2011 17:13

I judge both. He could and should take some of the burden even though they have split . . . unless of course she has banned him from all contact with her and them in which case, I fear, he is off the hook on this occasion.

If I were he and heard about that I would be hopping mad and my anger might take the form of legal proceedings questioning her fitness to be left with the children - especially if she had banned me.

kiki22 · 07/08/2011 19:41

poor woman must have been at her wits end to leave them :(

HorseyGirl1 · 07/08/2011 20:09

No, she shouldn't have done it but I understand why she did it. Poor woman, it was the only way she could cope

kayb123 · 07/08/2011 20:25

I couldn't do this myself but i can really understand and i have a husband that supports me, but im sure with out that run and time out the poor woman would of gone mad, alone with three probably crying babies. Sometime we dont get the help we need and i guess she tried to find a way to cope and get through as best she could.

BluddyMoFo · 07/08/2011 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reallytired · 07/08/2011 20:30

Being on your own with three babies is a nightmare. I can understand why she did this although it is not right.

So much for Dave Cameron's big society

GwendolineMaryLacey · 07/08/2011 20:51

On reading the op it doesn't sound like she left them before she did something awful, like you would understand in the midst of pnd. It sounds like her calm, controlled method to get them to sleep. And that's an entirely different kettle of fish.

PotterWatch · 07/08/2011 20:57

Sorry but I cannot believe some of these replies I am reading!!!

People are actually understanding and sympathising with a woman who chose to leave her 3 new born babies for an hour each night to go for a run!! I don't care what she was going out doing, you do NOT leave babies or young children on their own in the house at all, let alone for an hour. If you are that much at the end of your tether, phone someone, anyone or even contact the police and say you are going to leave them, not bugger off out and let babies cry themselves to sleep.

I have friends who have twins, yes it is very hard work and I wouldn't want to do it at all tbh, but you don't leave your children alone.

It isn't the DH's fault, yes he left the family and shouldn't have, but presumably he had no idea that she was leaving them alone each evening. That was her choice alone and she is extremely irresponsible. If something had happened to her, what then? If there had been a fire in the house and the papers were reporting that 3 babies died because the mother went out for a run, people would vilify her, not understand and sympathise.

Good god this place defies belief sometimes. Angry

alowVeraWithPurpleTwuntyPants · 07/08/2011 21:02

Understand why she did it, possibly yes, (although not been in that situation)

Agree with it, no.

Two different things.

OP YANBU to understand why she did it

addressbook · 07/08/2011 21:02

I know in my heart this is not acceptable really. But I also know that with my firstborn who cried and cried and slept little, I once came close to shaking him Sad. I had a supportive dh as well.

For that reason part of me feels sorry for her and the babies, because she was probably desperate Sad

backjustforaminute · 07/08/2011 21:04

I don't think I would have left them alone, but I totally understand why she did it and cannot judge. I was alone for six months with two under two, and it drove me crazy! DD1 was walking etc. so I could never have left them alone in the house but if they'd been babies in their cots I'm sure I would have been tempted.

BluddyMoFo · 07/08/2011 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crystalglasses · 07/08/2011 21:18

exercising to a zumba wii would have been less risky

picnicbasketcase · 07/08/2011 21:19

As others have said. Not something I would have considered doing, but then I only had one at a time, and I had help. I remember feeling quite loopy from lack of sleep when DD was a baby, so goodness knows how this poor woman must've been feeling. No point in judging her for something that happened three years ago, just be glad she and her children are all safe.

colditz · 07/08/2011 21:36

Have just finished reading thread.

I would say -post this thread on the Multiples board, or the Lone parent board. See if the responses are any different.

Original poster
WhiteTrash · 07/08/2011 21:56

Whoah hang on a minute, you're making out like it was every night for 2 weeks, a month, two, six months.

I never said how many times as I dont know. It could have been one, two or three times only.

And those who said she didnt do it out of desperation because she put her running shoes on and just planned to go for a run as part of her routine, im sorry but wtf?!

She had three tiny babies and a twat or an AWOL husband. NO ONE would have been in their right mind at any point un the weeks following.

And the person whos mil left the baby to scream as she went to the bottom of the garden when she took his dummy - thats worse. She HAD the ability to comfort her single baby but she decided to ignore him until he was quiet. She had far more options and she still did it. The woman with triplets MUST have felt as though she was out of options on how to cope.

I judge your MIL far more.

OP posts:
MsAnnThroppy · 07/08/2011 22:05

I'm sure this woman would love to know she is being vilified on the internet by people she has not invited to comment on her circumstances, and who know the bare bones of her circumstances (and are extrapolating all sorts from the limited info in the OP), because a friend of her friend/acquaintance chooses to use her as an anecdote to canvas opinion on her own reaction to this account. I wonder how identifiable she is just from your limited info, OP? I imagine mums of triplets whose partners left them with tiny babies aren't ten a penny.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 07/08/2011 22:05

Hold your horses. I said there was nothing in your op to say that this was a desperate act. Everyone was assuming with no evidence either way so wtf back at you.

And since you asked, no, I don't understand why she did this. But you obviously aren't interested in opinions as is usual on AIBU.

Original poster
WhiteTrash · 07/08/2011 22:21

Not at all. Im not One of Those who cannot take opinions. But you certainly sound like One of Them that doesnt like being challanged. What a boring AIBU would it be if nothing was challanged Wink

It did sound as though people (not just you!) thought that what she did was in a calm and thought out manner. What with her putting on running shoes Hmm. And I was saying how could anything be as such in her sitiation? It just couldnt be.

OP posts:
halcyondays · 07/08/2011 22:21

MsAnn, I'm surprised she admitted to anyone that she's done this, I wouldn't exactly say she was being vilified either. Nobody is going to say that it's fine to do what she did. Presumably she didn't tell anybody at the time as she knew it was wrong? I can understand that she was at the end of her tether, I wonder if she did ask anybody for help. I think there should be more help available from the state in a situation like this, as not everybody has family to help. Charities like HomeStart can only do so much, they can provide a volunteer for about 3 hours a week, but there are lots of parents struggling in various situations, they can't provide somebody every night. Sometimes parents with multiples can get a bit of help from childcare students at a local college, as it's good experience for them.

Yellowstone · 07/08/2011 22:33

My neighbour on an army base in Germany became so obsessed with her running and training for the London Marathon that she locked her 18 month old son in the cellar and went out for her training run every day.

Pillar of the army community, high ranking husband, hob-nobbed with royalty etc.

And that was only one very biddable and sweet little boy.