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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To totally understand why this woman of triplets did this?

203 replies

WhiteTrash · 07/08/2011 10:45

Im totally prepared for freak outs and be told IABU to empathise with this woman. A friend has twin 3 year olds, she goes to group meets with other mums of twins and triplets. One of the women had triplets (now 3), when they were 4 months old her husband left her. Come night time she'd struggle with only having one pair of hands so used to wash, dress and feed the babies, stick them in their cot put on her trainers and go for an hours run. By the time she came home they'd be asleep.

My initiak thought was oh my God! But actually, being a mum of a baby (and child) myself with my partner present I know how hard it is. Let alone three babies with no help (at least, not every night I know parents of multiples can inlist some help but I dont know the ins and outs if that).

So AIBU to totallu understand why she did this?

OP posts:
Tortington · 07/08/2011 22:37

i have twins and when they were born my eldest son ws 3.

there were times i put them in another room whilst i went and simply sobbed.

yes leaving them unattended is wrong.

MsAnnThroppy · 07/08/2011 22:40

No, nobody is going to say it is fine. Nobody in their right mind would. However, nobody - including the OP - knows whether this was one moment of madness, an act of desperation carried out a few times, or something she did every night because she had an exercise regime. It is all pure conjecture, and the woman in question is not here to answer for herself.

But she does exist somewhere out there. She has, one can only assume, moved on from whatever dark place she was in to begin with and is quite probably ashamed of what she did, but relieved she managed to get through it with no harm to her children and feels she is a different person and a responsible mum. Yet, here she is, readily identifiable as a perpetrator of child neglect by people who know her IRL.

Yes, she admitted it. I don't suppose, however, she was bragging about it, and perhaps she thought she was telling her story in confidence, and possibly in a specific context that has not come across here (eg, "God, yes I agree it's hard, once I had to leave them and go for a run just to stop myself losing the plot...."). And yes, parents of multiples need help and support, but that can be discussed without laying this specific woman open to criticism.

Sorry, but if you want to lay the details of your own life out for all and sundry to comment on, you are of course at liberty to do so. But this is just glorified gossip mongering.

newmum001 · 08/08/2011 09:42

Op you're having a go at people for assuming she went for a run every night but if you read what you wrote that's exactly how you made it sound! You said come night time she'd struggle, feed wash and dress them, put them in their cot then put her trainers on and go for an hours run. Now you're saying she might have only done it once or twice out of desperation. Make your mind up, I suggest if you don't know the facts (which you have admitted you don't) then you don't post about other peoples circumstances. If she did this once out of desperation then it is still wrong but better than getting stressed and harming herself or her babies but if it was part of her nightly routine then she was incredibly selfish and self indulgent and very very lucky no one found out and reported her!

newmum001 · 08/08/2011 09:42

Op you're having a go at people for assuming she went for a run every night but if you read what you wrote that's exactly how you made it sound! You said come night time she'd struggle, feed wash and dress them, put them in their cot then put her trainers on and go for an hours run. Now you're saying she might have only done it once or twice out of desperation. Make your mind up, I suggest if you don't know the facts (which you have admitted you don't) then you don't post about other peoples circumstances. If she did this once out of desperation then it is still wrong but better than getting stressed and harming herself or her babies but if it was part of her nightly routine then she was incredibly selfish and self indulgent and very very lucky no one found out and reported her!

porcamiseria · 08/08/2011 09:44

hmmm, I remember going to the very far end of the garden and having a fag and large wine for ten minutes! I also used to do a ten minute hoover.

BUT a long run, thats borderline neglect, sorry I get why, but too risky

Chandon · 08/08/2011 09:47

I understand wanting to.

But not doing it.

I have often wanted to do this, but never did it.

carriedababi · 08/08/2011 09:54

yes i agree, i understand her wanting to do, but to actually do it!

perhaps she could exercise at home when they are in bed, with earphones in if needed, wii fit, dvds jogging round the garden or on the spot.?

asecretlemonadedrinker · 08/08/2011 09:59

That is horrific. Those poor babies, crying possibly for ages and ages. She could have done an exercise DVD and at the very least controlled crying - going back every 5 odd minutes, which is disgusting enough. Sorry, if she had the energy/gumption to take herself for an hour run, she should have looked after her children - sorted out some help, or something. She sounds a selfish bitch, sorry, and I am no wonder parent!

breatheslowly · 08/08/2011 10:09

I'm not sure I really see the difference between being in the house with ear plugs leaving them to cry and going out (other than the risk of something happening to the mother). If you let your child CIO and once they stop crying you assume they are asleep (as opposed to choked) so leave them then you might as well be out of the house.

I want to add a massive disclaimer to this before you ring SS - I can't leave my DD to cry at all, I'm just not capable of it. Actually I can, but only for a couple of minutes and I know if I try I end up being so inconsistent that it just isn't fair on DD. I would love to go out for an evening stroll with DH like we did before DD was born, but I know I can't and certainly wouldn't pay someone to sit with her for us to go for a walk.

carriedababi · 08/08/2011 10:13

breathe i bet if you had triplets, you would have to leave them to cry at some stage esp if you were a single mother.

i was never able to leave my dd to cry much to my mothers and hv disgust!
but i could cope with one baby

at leastif your in the house, your not going to get run over or if your house sets on fire you are there.

breatheslowly · 08/08/2011 10:26

I am sure that I would need to leave triplets to cry as you say. Sorry, I didn't mean for that to sound judgy at all, I just meant that given my first set of comments I don't leave DD alone in the house to cry.

I have no idea how people cope with multiples or even more than one child as this is out of my realm of experience. I remember swinging DD about and wondering what you do with the other twin if you were doing that with one of them.

I think that it is really difficult for the parents of singletons to comment in any way about multiples as it is so easy to get it wrong or offend people.

LolaRennt · 08/08/2011 10:27

3 babies on your own would probably leave some close enough to the clinical definition of insanity that I suppose I couldn't judge. I jus't know though. You'd like to think that someone in charge of 3 small babies would have enough awareness to at least get a babysitter in though.

I feel bad for her, and I rarely do in cases of neglect. The husband needs branding though.

BluddyMoFo · 08/08/2011 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

breatheslowly · 08/08/2011 10:36

I imagine it is quite difficult to find a babysitter for triplets.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 08/08/2011 11:34

That's the point I was trying to make earlier BluddyMoFo. There are lots of assumptions being made on here and, unless the OP expands a bit then we don't know the circumstances.

Mishy1234 · 08/08/2011 12:35

I've never had multiples, so have no idea of the stress she must have been under, but I can try to imagine.

To be driven to do something she must have known to be wrong (and dangerous), she must have been in a pretty dark place.

I can't imagine doing something similar (fear would have stopped me), but know how the relentlessness of 2 under 3's can get to you, no matter 3 babies!

As most others have said, I can certainly understand but can't condone.

HPonEverything · 08/08/2011 12:53

She needed a treadmill. Problem solved.

droves · 08/08/2011 13:03

when my twin were babies , and at the major , mind-craking stress inducing crying stage , id bath them feed them put their babygrows on them and shove them in their massive pram and take them running ....

The motion of the pram made them settle .

Why doesnt she take the triplets with her ?

Cant be worse than running with twins in pram and 3 older kids at the same time ! Grin

northerngirl41 · 08/08/2011 13:03

hmm... I was wondering that too HPonEverything - would it be on the same scale if she had a treadmill, put her ipod on and ran in the sitting room whilst ignoring the crying?

To me, it is better, but I can't actually explain why, because the net result would be the same: she'd be sane, the babies would be left to cry themselves out. I suppose the only difference is that she's slightly closer to them if the house went up in flames?

BagofHolly · 08/08/2011 13:09

Droves, find a triple pram you can run with!!! We have the big ABC Adventure and there's no way you can run with it. A stiff walk yes, but not a run! And a buggy you'd just kick the back of it.

Anyway I strongly suspect it was about getting away from the kids for an hour, not about the exercise.

halcyondays · 08/08/2011 13:16

Surely everybody has times where they are pretty desperate to get away from the kids for an hour, where you just want to run out the door, but most people don't actually do it. If you were alone with triplets you would have to let them cry at times while you were dealing with one of them, it would be impossible not to. I can imagine it would be very difficult to get them all settled and you might end up leaving them to cry, but that's very different
from leaving them alone in the house for an hour.

BagofHolly · 08/08/2011 13:31

Most people don't do it AND most people don't have triplets. It's not just getting away from the crying. It's getting away from the overwhelming, endless relentlessness of it all. The feeds to be prepared, the washing, the drying, the tidying, the shushing, the feeling like no one is getting enough from you, that whatever you do, the babies aren't being cuddled and snuggled as much as they'd like. The guilt from not breastfeeding (in my case) and the panic that hits every time you realise that this is it, forever and ever Amen.

LolaRennt · 08/08/2011 14:04

He left. Leaving is fine OK under 99% of circumstances (when two adults choose to end their relationship), but when you have 4 month old triplets you have to wonder if he couldn't have chosen a better time. his needs shoudl have come somewhere around fifth in line

workedoutforthebest · 08/08/2011 14:24

I was a single parent to twins (one with a disability) and an older girl, all under 2 (they are all teenagers now). I wouldn't have dreamt of doing anything like that. I can understand why she wanted to do it. Hell, sometimes I want to run away and come back; difference is I don't, because I have responsibilities, because my children need me....

OhdearNigel · 08/08/2011 16:15

Disgusting. It's not the babies' fault their father has left and it's hardly essential to go for a run, is it.

Should be reported IMO, leaving 3 tiny babies alone for an hour is shocking not matter what your circumstances or how frazzled you are