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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To totally understand why this woman of triplets did this?

203 replies

WhiteTrash · 07/08/2011 10:45

Im totally prepared for freak outs and be told IABU to empathise with this woman. A friend has twin 3 year olds, she goes to group meets with other mums of twins and triplets. One of the women had triplets (now 3), when they were 4 months old her husband left her. Come night time she'd struggle with only having one pair of hands so used to wash, dress and feed the babies, stick them in their cot put on her trainers and go for an hours run. By the time she came home they'd be asleep.

My initiak thought was oh my God! But actually, being a mum of a baby (and child) myself with my partner present I know how hard it is. Let alone three babies with no help (at least, not every night I know parents of multiples can inlist some help but I dont know the ins and outs if that).

So AIBU to totallu understand why she did this?

OP posts:
Meglet · 07/08/2011 11:53

I understand why she did it, but she shouldn't have done it. This is when you would hope the HV's / homestart would step in and arrange for some help.

I'm stuck on my own with a 4yo and 2yo every single weekend, quite often I won't talk to an adult in 48hrs. I'm ratty, lonely and would give my right arm to go for a run.

MotherOfHobbit · 07/08/2011 11:54

She was wrong to do it but I can emphasise. I sometimes thought I was going off the rails with DS when he was very young and I can imagine that having three must leave you in such a state of sleep deprivation and exhaustion that your judgement is skewed.
She sounds like she didn't have enough support and shame on her husband for leaving her holding the babies. I agree with Bandwithering. I judge him far more than her.

frazzle26 · 07/08/2011 11:56

That's so dangerous and irreponsible. When my son was that age I checked on him at least once or twice per hour (when I was awake) and he was sleeping just to make sure all was well. I also had a baby alarm that went off if he stopped breathing, thankfully it never it. I wouldn't have been able to hear it if I was out running!!

Original poster
WhiteTrash · 07/08/2011 12:00

Im not sure you can compare weekends with a 2 and 4 year old with every night alone with baby triplets.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 07/08/2011 12:04

I completely understand it. The woman was at fricking rock bottom. No way in this world was it the right choice but I refuse to condemn her for it.

colditz · 07/08/2011 12:20

frazzle, take the work you had to do with your son, remove your partner from the equasion, then multiply by three.

I found that Ds1 took up at least 9 hours of each of my days. I had a partner, and he was an easy baby, so for a lone parent with an average baby, best make that 12 hours per day.

Multiply by 3, for 3 babies.

This will lead to a 36 hour day. This leaves an allocation of minus 12 hours per day for the mother to eat, sleep, wash, and self care.

And you're judging her! Something has to give!

Someone should have helped her, she was left alone to do an impossible job.

Popbiscuit · 07/08/2011 12:21

What she did was horribly dangerous and neglectful but I couldn't possibly judge her for doing it. I imagine she was in survival mode :(

BagofHolly · 07/08/2011 12:46

Lmao at those who said she should sit down and have a cuppa! What bloody planet are you on? And Homestart will typically give 2-4 hrs a week of daytime help, not housework, not childcare and only if they have a suitable volunteer available.

Leaving 3 babies alone is wrong. But given what path this poor woman walked it's a WHOLE lot better for her to do that than potentially hurt them, or herself.

I have 6 month old twins with reflux and a demanding 2 year old. We're ok-ish now but even with a childminder, night nanny, Homestart and a hands-on mum and husband, ive been at the end of my rope many times.

Accepting help is HARD. it's no good at all to say "let me know if there's anything I can do." When you're in a fog you don't know what to say. The best help was what my neighbour did. She texted me and said "I'll take the twins for 2 hours at 11 tomorrow." I got toddler down for his nap and was asleep by 11.03! If I hadnt had breaks like that, I'd have been out jogging too, probably in my nightie, clutching a wine bottle.

thursday · 07/08/2011 12:55

i can understand the overwhelming urge to run away and that was just with one. i never DID though. left him to cry and stood outside for 10 minutes for his own good on occasion. if she'd just done it the once when she cracked i could forgive it, but systematically leaving 3 babies alone for an hour to cry and cry is wrong wrong wrong.

yes the father should have been around, he's a shit to leave her alone with everything. he didnt leave the babies alone though.

MeMySonAndI · 07/08/2011 13:01

Being a single parent with no help whatsoever around I can understand, and I don't have triplets.

That however doesn't mean that I would do the same, but I agree that it was a better option to "disconnect" and leave them to cry for an hour (perhaps that's what kept her sane and also might have prevented her loosing the plot and become resentful towards the babies) than trying to comfort three crying babies at a time after a very long day doing the same.

I would go as far as saying that in those circumstances the babies were more likely to be hurt by their desperate and over tired mum than by unlikely fires or shocking with vomit.

Yes, neighbours should have helped, the ex should have helped, God and the universe should have helped, but unfortunately, in many occasions they simply don't and offers of help, IME, are not always genuine or simply one offs that do not really help in the long term. She was on her own, and that was the way for her to cope. I can't judge her.

valiumredhead · 07/08/2011 13:17

It's neglect and I imagine SS would have had something to say about it especially as it was a regular occurance BUT I imagine she was at the end of her tether. I would never judge anyone who had feelings of wanting to leave them them on their own but I will judge someone who actually does it, especially on a regular basis.

valiumredhead · 07/08/2011 13:18

I think it's so sad that she didn't have any help -she must've been desperate.

SoupDragon · 07/08/2011 13:22

"someone should have helped her"

But who? If she didn't ask.

Yes, I can understand why she did it, just as I can now understand how someone can be driven to shake a baby. That doesn't mean I would do it and doesn't make it right.

colditz · 07/08/2011 13:31

No, I wouldn't do it, and it's not right. But she was in a HORRIBLE situation.

BluddyMoFo · 07/08/2011 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeMySonAndI · 07/08/2011 14:41

Yes, it is relevant. Remove babies and triplets from the situation and evaluate yourself.

  • Person under great stress goes for a run every night
  • Person under great stress goes to the pub every night
valiumredhead · 07/08/2011 14:43

Doesn't matter what she was doing - the end result was the same - the babies were left on their own.

Original poster
WhiteTrash · 07/08/2011 14:52

I cant imagine she did it for that long? Those who do controlled crying usually get a result in a week? She would have just done an extreme version of that. I doubt she would have needed to do it each day for a month

OP posts:
newmum001 · 07/08/2011 14:53

How utterly irresponsible, would she have been able to justify her actions if social services had been called? NO! We all want to be able to do things like going for a run but we don't all leave our babies in the house alone in order to do so! What if there was a fire or something happened! To be honest I think she needs reporting to social services as that is serious neglect!

newmum001 · 07/08/2011 14:53

How utterly irresponsible, would she have been able to justify her actions if social services had been called? NO! We all want to be able to do things like going for a run but we don't all leave our babies in the house alone in order to do so! What if there was a fire or something happened! To be honest I think she needs reporting to social services as that is serious neglect!

valiumredhead · 07/08/2011 14:56

CC is in no way comparable to the OP situation!

JarethTheGoblinKing · 07/08/2011 14:58

Are you sure she didn't mean that she put them in the buggy and took them for a run, and by the time she was back they'd be asleep?

valiumredhead · 07/08/2011 15:03

THAT would make sense Jareth!

Original poster
WhiteTrash · 07/08/2011 15:11

No valiumredhead, I didnt mean that it was. Its not controlled after all! I was just wondering aloud how long she would have to do it for.

Jareth, no the babies were at home. Although I heard this fron my friend, you know how info changes through the grape vine, we can hope thats what it was Jareth.

I still maintain I understand why she did it if she did leave them and run.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 07/08/2011 15:13

I don't understand it because the fear of something happening to one or more of the babies would override my desperate need to get out and run - but heaven help a mother alone with triplets. That's way too hard. What if one of them had stopped breathing though and she got back an hour or a half hour later?

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