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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To totally understand why this woman of triplets did this?

203 replies

WhiteTrash · 07/08/2011 10:45

Im totally prepared for freak outs and be told IABU to empathise with this woman. A friend has twin 3 year olds, she goes to group meets with other mums of twins and triplets. One of the women had triplets (now 3), when they were 4 months old her husband left her. Come night time she'd struggle with only having one pair of hands so used to wash, dress and feed the babies, stick them in their cot put on her trainers and go for an hours run. By the time she came home they'd be asleep.

My initiak thought was oh my God! But actually, being a mum of a baby (and child) myself with my partner present I know how hard it is. Let alone three babies with no help (at least, not every night I know parents of multiples can inlist some help but I dont know the ins and outs if that).

So AIBU to totallu understand why she did this?

OP posts:
baboos · 09/08/2011 16:31

"Baboos, this woman has more children than you. Twins and triplets are no more comparable than twins and a singleton. Same planet, different world"

I beg to differ, however I was trying to express some understanding of her situation.......what with having multiple babies of the same age and being on my own with no support, I hadn't realised that only having two, not three babies disqualified me from getting that. How silly of me.........

Neglect is neglect, regardless of how many babies are involved and agree that some level of sanity is present to put your stuff on to go running.

Andrewofgg · 09/08/2011 16:34

highlander - She may have ordered the father out of the home and her and the children's life, with or without order of the court - it happens. She may have told him to stay away - it happens. She may have resisted and obstructed any attempt he made to stay involved - it happens.

And if it happened then he is not responsible in the least bit for her neglect of his children. You can't have it both ways.

Original poster
WhiteTrash · 09/08/2011 16:35

So how would you all feel then (genuone question not a sarky one) if she put on her headphones and ran the treadmill for an hour, blocking out the babies from the next room?

OP posts:
northerngirl41 · 09/08/2011 16:39

WhiteTrash - this is the exact question I asked further up.

Weirdly I'd be totally okay with it, although it has the same net effect. I'm not sure why: I think probably because if something external happened (like the house caught fire, or someone came in to loot the house etc.) she would actually be close by and able to do something about it.

ChristinedePizan · 09/08/2011 16:48

I put my ipod on and walked for an hour or so with DS in the pram. I have put him on the bed and walked around the garden.

I would never have left him for an hour to go running. That's fucking stupid. If you're struggling that much, get help, don't just run away.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 09/08/2011 19:51

The same, it's a deliberate attempt to ignore them and you have no idea what's happening. It's different to being in a different room and ignoring them crying. At least then you have some sort of handle on the circumstances.

On the occasions where I have had to leave the room before I snap, I have still been able to hear DD. Had I, for example, heard her choking, or vomiting, I would have been able to go back in.

heleninahandcart · 09/08/2011 20:43

Yes its a very bad thing to do, but I totally understand her doing this. She was probably at the end of her tether. There aren't always neighbours, family, no official help.

So, she goes for a run. Irresponsible? officially yes. But if she did a risk assessment of the likelihood of a fire in the house when she was out v. the risk of her ;oosing her sanity she might well have come to the conclusion this was the lesser of the two evils.

BagofHolly · 09/08/2011 21:01

"get help, don't run away"

Where from, exactly?

FreudianSlipper · 09/08/2011 21:06

yes i can totally understand why she felt the need to do this, it was not about her needing to have a jog it was about her needing time alone she must have felt very desperate poor women

i often wanted to go for a very long walk once i settled ds (on my own but with only one) and my 1 minute trip to the bins it was at times very tempting to just go for a long peaceful walk but i never did but i was close at times

ChristinedePizan · 09/08/2011 21:11

HV, GP, SS, Tamba, family, friends. There are sources of help for anyone struggling to cope with a new baby - whether it's one or three.

I'm a single parent and have always been - it's bloody hard at times and I can't imagine how hard it must be when you have three. But leaving them on their own while you go for a run for an hour shouldn't be an option.

BagofHolly · 09/08/2011 21:15

And what, exactly, do you honestly think hv, gp ss and tamba can do? Seriously?

ChristinedePizan · 09/08/2011 21:19

Listen? Provide practical solutions? Help her deal with feeling in crisis?

I don't see why this is any more acceptable than leaving three children at home alone who were born at separate times. MN is usually up in arms if someone goes outside to post a letter in the post box on the corner leaving children in the house, I'm amazed that going for a head-clearing jog for an hour is considered an okay thing to do because you've got triplets.

BagofHolly · 09/08/2011 21:21

Christinedepizan, when you were finding things "bloody hard" would you have phoned social services? If you're anything like a normal person you'll be thinking "like fuck I would."

My hv and gp both told me to find a night nanny. Tamba has a nice message board and helpline and directed us to homestart who gave us 2 hours a week.
That's the real world, not some utopia where there are "sources."

MightyQuim · 09/08/2011 21:23

If she had told her hv that she was desperate enough to leave the babies something would have been done. Be it temporary care for one or more of the babies or mental health support for the mother or both. To say that leaving them was her only option just isn't true.

BagofHolly · 09/08/2011 21:23

Re your last post - no one has said it's ok. They've said it's understandable. It's a maladaptive coping mechanism.

AnnieLobeseder · 09/08/2011 21:27

she could have taken them with her

I totally understand why she needed to do it, but she should have looked for another coping mechanism.

And the father should have stepped up. Even if he felt he couldn't cope full time, he should have come by now an then to give the poor women a night off.

And as others have said, she could have put her iPod in so loud that she couldn't hear them and done a workout DVD at home. Still not ideal, but al least she would have been home in case of an emergency.

BagofHolly · 09/08/2011 21:27

"If she had told her hv that she was desperate enough to leave the babies something would have been done. Be it temporary care for one or more of the babies or mental health support for the mother or both. To say that leaving them was her only option just isn't true."

So, imagine this: her partner has left. She's holding it together, mostly, and part of that is the ill-advised run.
Or alternatively she could have opened a box she couldn't close by saying she wasn't coping and agreed to potentially lose her kids. - she was coping but in an unacceptable way.

"something would have been done." LIKE WHAT?

BagofHolly · 09/08/2011 21:30

I'm astonished at the breathtaking naivety of those who think there are official resources for people in positions like this. You only have to look at the failures of social services and associated agencies in cases where children are being regularly abused to see that help for families who are stretched, doesn't exist.

halcyondays · 09/08/2011 21:30

Nobody says it's ok but we don't know whether she was able to get help. She may not have had family or friends that could help, an HV can provide listening ear, but can't be of practical help. HomeStart can only give a family about 3 hours a week. Even if she did speak to Social Services, I'm not sure they would do much unless they thought she was likely to harm the babies. Lots of people are seriously struggling, parents with large families and children with special needs who can be assessed and told they should be entitled to help but that there is no funding so they get no help.

ChristinedePizan · 09/08/2011 21:35

I've never been so desperate that I would have left my baby at home alone. If I had been, I might have done. But I would have spoken to my HV and/or GP first and SS as a last resort.

There's a fine line between maladaptive and neglect.

BagofHolly · 09/08/2011 21:40

"I've never been so desperate that I would have left my baby at home alone. If I had been, I might have done."
Lucky you.

The point I'm making is that she may well have asked for help and STILL got none. That's because beyond the goodwill of friends and family, there's hardly any help to be had at all. So she went for a run.

ChristinedePizan · 09/08/2011 21:47

Sorry - meant that I wouldn't have left the baby at home alone - if I'd felt like doing it, I would have contacted someone.

I'm very sorry for anyone who finds themselves in this dreadful situation but I don't think it's understandable to do this regularly (although a one off moment of madness is understandable). I think it's neglect and I would contact SS if I knew someone was doing this on a regular basis.

MightyQuim · 09/08/2011 21:48

If she'd have admitted to how desperate she was and sought help she would have been a lot less likely to lose her kids than if ss found out she had left them. Despite popular opinion ss aren't baby snatchers - they try to keep families together if at all possible and they tend to look more favourably on parents who seek out help when they need it and put their kids best interests first.

OhdearNigel · 10/08/2011 09:00

SS do not take split up families on a whim. Several years ago I regularly dealt with an woman who, it turned out, was giving her 10 year old son crack cocaine and heroine. SS had been aware of the dreadful home situation for years (she was a dealer and the house was in a disgusting state). She regularly made the boy go shoplifting for her or took him on her shoplifting sprees. She could hardly take care of herself, let alone her son. Her parents were desperate for the boy to be taken away yet despite years of intervention SS still left them with her because they thought it was a better place for him to be.

There is absolutely no chance that these children would have been immediately taken away if she had turned to SS for help. They are even more reluctant to separate babies from their mothers. Funnily enough most SWs go into the profession to help families, not tear them apart.

BagofHolly · 10/08/2011 11:48

I suggest that a woman under the immense pressure of triplets and a partner who has left, isn't likely to contact ss, regardless of whether they split families or not. And (I'm repeating myself here) what could they, or any other agency do to help? In practical terms, what help can they give, especially if in all other ways she's holding it together?