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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To totally understand why this woman of triplets did this?

203 replies

WhiteTrash · 07/08/2011 10:45

Im totally prepared for freak outs and be told IABU to empathise with this woman. A friend has twin 3 year olds, she goes to group meets with other mums of twins and triplets. One of the women had triplets (now 3), when they were 4 months old her husband left her. Come night time she'd struggle with only having one pair of hands so used to wash, dress and feed the babies, stick them in their cot put on her trainers and go for an hours run. By the time she came home they'd be asleep.

My initiak thought was oh my God! But actually, being a mum of a baby (and child) myself with my partner present I know how hard it is. Let alone three babies with no help (at least, not every night I know parents of multiples can inlist some help but I dont know the ins and outs if that).

So AIBU to totallu understand why she did this?

OP posts:

MightyQuim · 08/08/2011 18:20

I can understand that she was in a desperate situation but she did have the choice whether to do what she did or get herself help. She should have told her hv how desperate she was before she got to the stage where she left them. I understand that parents of mulitiples aren't automatically offered any help but if she had told the hv that she was at the end of her tether and she was going to leave the house at bedtime or harm them/herself then she would have been taken seriously.

thisisyesterday · 08/08/2011 18:29

of course you are being unreasonable

how awful. i can't stop thinking about 3 little babies crying and crying for their mum who doesn't come because she has gone for a fucking run

really.... you can understand leaving 3 small babies alone for an hour???? cos i sure as hell can't, no matter how hard she was finding it

LITTLEGEEK · 08/08/2011 20:07

Totally unacceptable! The woman needs help and support but you DO NOT leave babies unattended in a house. What if a fire broke out? or like bananasplitz mentioned, something happened to her on her run. She should have stood at the back door and jumped on the spot if she had to, not leave.

Henrythehappyhelicopter · 08/08/2011 20:13

She can't be struggling that much if she still has the energy to run.

She is a discusting woman. Not understandable at all.

youarekidding · 08/08/2011 20:30

I can't judge her either.

x-P was is a useless twunt and left me to do everything including also working f/t. I remember somedays when DS was asleep just having to get out of the house for a long walk and he was an easy baby. X-P was around until DS was 13months, after that I felt trapped and think I could have easily done something similar if it wasn't for the fact I lived in Spain where the sense of community is stronger and had very supportive neighbours.

I also admire this woman for having the guts to admit she did this, she obviously knows it's not ideal and is admitting how low she got.

skybluepearl · 08/08/2011 22:21

Running is a fab stress buster and she must really need that hour! Running keeps me saine too, helps me sleep and makes me feel more positive even on the darkest days. She must be very sleep deprived with 3 babes and low after her partner has left her - a recepie for post natal depression if there ever was one. Although she shouldn't leave the babes i wouldn't class her as selfish - more desperate to manage. Leaving the babes is wrong though and she should get some help for a short space of time or stick a a treadmill somewhere in the house. I agree she needs support and lots of it.

skybluepearl · 08/08/2011 22:28

Reading the posts it actually sound like she has done it one or twice only. Although still not OK (she should have got a babysitter), maybe she was on the edge and about to crack under all the pressure - an hours running was the most civil outlet for her frustrations/upsets. I can't imagine what it must be like to look after 3 new born babes at once and imagine it must have effected her mental state.

hermionestranger · 08/08/2011 22:34

Poor woman, she must have been at her wit's end. She wasn't with it, obviously, but where was the Father? I hope she's getting the help she needs.

Popbiscuit · 08/08/2011 22:46

I'm sure others have said this but I doubt it was about the exercise. Running is a MASSIVE stress reliever and it can do wonders for your mood, outlook and energy levels...endorphins are magical things. I had PND after baby number three and had to take anti-depressants for a year. If it wasn't for running, I would probably still be on them. Caring for three children (of different ages...can't imagine triplets!) is relentless and soul-destroying; running keeps depression at bay and makes me a better mother. I'm not condoning leaving babies alone in the house but I can understand the absolute desperation you would feel if left alone with three infants and no support.
Anyway; I think we're all letting our imaginations run away with us. It's vaguely romantic to envision someone doing something so drastic. Perhaps she meant her tale as a cautionary one? Goodness knows that sleep deprivation and grief can ravage one's sanity.

BluddyMoFo · 08/08/2011 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coccyx · 08/08/2011 23:05

No excuse. awful parenting.

coccyx · 08/08/2011 23:06

not even parenting though is it?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 08/08/2011 23:08

You see, this woman at her wits' end, she had the presence of mind to dig out her Lycra, lace up her running shoes... When I was at my wits' end I didn't even put shoes on. I just walked out, albeit safe in the knowledge that DD was with DH. This desperation isn't ringing true at all.

And yes of course there are different types of desperation but "I know, I'll just leave them here for an hour and go for a run" isn't one if them.

hairfullofsnakes · 08/08/2011 23:10

Poor lady but what she did was wrong

Yellowstone - at your boy in the cellar story! That's awful! Abuse surely?! What happened to him? Oh my God!

BluddyMoFo · 08/08/2011 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

baboos · 08/08/2011 23:25

When our twins were born, dh was working abroad, so was in a similar situation, on my own with them 24/7, for most of the first 5 months, both mine had reflux too........I was living on the edge of my sanity most days, but to leave my babies alone,crying, and go out...........FFS, never. The experience was character building stuff though........

BagofHolly · 08/08/2011 23:40

Baboos, this woman has more children than you. Twins and triplets are no more comparable than twins and a singleton. Same planet, different world.

bonkers20 · 09/08/2011 08:11

bagof Just because most of us have not walked in the shoes of someone with triplets does not mean we don't know what's right or wrong. I think baboos is attempting to empathise a little (which is more than I can do having 2 DSs with a 10 year gap).

It is NOT OK to leave 1, 2, 3 or 45 babies alone for an hour.....ever.

And I agree with the people who are commenting that going out for a run is not really the act of someone at the utter end of their rope. You'd just go and sit in the car and sob wouldn't you?

Highlander · 09/08/2011 09:13

It is neglect, but where the bloody hell is the kids' father? He' just as neglectful, walking out on them, with society expecting this poor woman to just get on with it herself.

There is something so horribly wrong that men can just do this. Sure, there's legislation to make absent fathers pay financially, but why are women just left to deal with the drudgery of child-rearing, with society pulling on the judgy pants when they struggle?

newmum001 · 09/08/2011 09:16

Totally agree with bluddymofo, would you all be on her side if she'd left 3 babies at home alone to cry themselves to sleep if she'd gone to the pub for an hour for a stress relieving G&T! I doubt it! Whatever she was doing for that hour the end result is the same, those babies were on their own in the house and she was being selfish!

newmum001 · 09/08/2011 09:16

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 09/08/2011 09:31

I don't think we are 'all on her side'. First of all, many posts have out and out condemned her.

Those that have said that they can understand why someone might do that, have also said that, even though they can understand how someone could be stressed or depressed or whatever to do something - it was still the wrong thing to do.

That is in no way 'all' being 'on her side'

I can understand why people do all sorts of things, without agreeing that they are right to do those things.

It's not about agreeing with what someone has done, it's about getting inside their head to understand what drove them to do it.

reallytired · 09/08/2011 09:44

Prehaps there are factors that we don't know about. Maybe going out for a run was the lesser of two evils. Prehaps she was on the edge and snapping an shaking those babies.

There was one time when my son was screaming with colic for 3 hours. I left him and went into the garden for 10 minutes to calm down.

This woman needed respite which she didn't have.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 09/08/2011 13:57

There was one time when my son was screaming with colic for 3 hours. I left him and went into the garden for 10 minutes to calm down.

But that's exactly the point. I bet what you did is what countless parents have done, it's certainly what I did. Going for a run is calculated and, as such, it's not excusable. a conscious rational decision was made to leave them. How tired or stressed she might have been is beside the point. As others have said, she could equally have gone to the pub, or Sainsburys. Understandable then?

BluddyMoFo · 09/08/2011 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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