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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

643 replies

Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 16:15

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

OP posts:
EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 22:43

So you do think you're an expert then?

Thought so.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 07/08/2011 22:48

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EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 22:51

A quick google search tells me that lactose intolerance in babies is rare but not unheard of. Cutting out dairy from a mother's diet wouldn't necessarily make a difference as it is caused by a baby not producing enough lactase, which means the baby cannot break down the lactose. Lactose naturally occurs in breast milk.

Certainly in my friend's case, her DS has been found to be lactose intolerant, as opposed to milk protein intolerant. So changes in her diet may not have made a difference.

Neither of us know the OP's SIL, so we don't know the first thing about the diagnosis of her baby. Saying that she should simply change her diet is pointless.

MoominsAreScary · 07/08/2011 22:52

Lactose is a sugar found in milk, you can't just change your diet to stop it! They do think that bf as long as the baby is on the breast for a certain amount of time some how breaks up some of the lactose but that doesn't mean all lactose intolerant babies can be breastfed, I wouldn't even bother looking at half the studys found on the Internet, unless it's come from a reliable source such as the BMJ, Office of national statistics etc

The bmj states that even after taking out all risk factors regarding co sleeping, the safest place for a baby is in it's own bed next to the parents.

All of this is irrelevant as the mother has chosen not to co sleep so the op should have gone along with her wishes. Even if the mothers views on raising her child may be seen as slightly odd they are her choices.

If my sister had asked me to look after her child for the night there is no way I'd have co slept, it isn't my baby so doesn't matter if I'm still breastfeeding an older child, studies have found that breast fed babies have protective stages of sleep/awake cycles which reduces the risk of sids, this baby is ff so that is another risk factor. If I'd had to stay up most of the night holding the baby I would have rather than taken it upon my self to put it in bed with me. The sil and dil are obviously up most of the night themselves or they wouldn't be so bloody tired so the baby must spend alot of the night in someone's arms

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 22:52

I don't see how you can say I'm spouting utter rubbish. I'm just going by what I read online, as you are. Amazing - the internet has conflicting information.

I bet we could find lots of conflicting information about co-sleeping as well, and its relative merits and dangers.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 07/08/2011 22:55

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MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 07/08/2011 22:57

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EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 22:58
Grin
Noo99 · 07/08/2011 23:17

Her way clearly isn't working and isn't the recommended guidelines either as others have said. Personally if I was that sleep deprived I would definitely be co-sleeping now and giving reassurance to an obviously unhappy baby. Personally I would have thought that the fact that you found something that worked would be great for the family but I think it's probably a case of a new mum who is struggling and may also be depressed due to having to stop breastfeeding (although personally don't think she needed to) and due to sleep deprivation.

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2011 23:24

She didn't 'have to' stop breastfeeding - she decided to.

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 23:27

You can't possibly know that. All we have is the OP's word for it. And she's hardly objective where it comes to her SIL. If the baby is lactose intolerant, she would have had to stop.

chipmonkey · 08/08/2011 00:22

Did your BIL and SIL really expect you to stay up all night with a screaming baby? That's a huge thing to ask of anyone tbh.

YWBU a bit, in that I know it used to drive me nuts if other people looked after my boys and did things "wrongly" when they were that small but I think they were unreasonable too, both to ask you to stay over and also SIL WBU to yell at you when you were doing your best.

I too, would have laughed hollowly when SIL said "In future". How presumptuous of her to think there was going to be any future! And your MIL was also being unreasonable.

TheOriginalFAB · 08/08/2011 08:53

SM - are you seriously saying that the baby should have been left to scream all night so that the mother wasn't undermined?

I find you very rude and childish.

pommedechocolat · 08/08/2011 09:06

6 week old babies can be diagnosed with lots of things. What an odd thing to say MJ.

Deciding to stop bf and deciding to have the baby sleep in a cot are decisions that lots of mothers make. Outside of neglect or abuse stuff the guidelines and stuff the 'trendy' and 'faux liberal' mn consensus HER BABY HER WAY.

TheFrozenMBJ · 08/08/2011 09:47

It is ridiculous to speculate as to the diagnosis of this baby. We can only go on the information given

RollingInTheAisles · 08/08/2011 09:52

I haven't read this whole thread but in case it hasn't been mentioned lactose intolerance isn't usually the reason why breastfeeding mother's cut dairy out of their diets. They often do it because the baby is suspected to have a milk protein intolerance. This is something in cow's milk that can be transferred to human breast milk when in the mother's diet. For lots of mother's and babies it can make a significant difference but it's difficult to avoid as it's not just milk, cheese etc it's in. All kinds of food have dairy products hidden within them.

RollingInTheAisles · 08/08/2011 09:53

*breastfeeding mothers even

RollingInTheAisles · 08/08/2011 09:53

Oh god, I did it twice, never mind...

RollingInTheAisles · 08/08/2011 09:57

Oh and EvilTwins - Kellymom is a very well known and respected source of breastfeeding advice.

QuintessentialShadow · 08/08/2011 10:02

Your sister in law is an idiot. Full stop.

annieversaire · 08/08/2011 10:06

Yes Kellymom is ace and very highly regarded, whether you've heard of it or not.

sashadasher · 08/08/2011 10:08

I think you were tying to do your very best,had the best intentions but maybe over stepped the mark on a very over anxious and obviously very sleep deprived new mum who in return over reacted and seemed very ungreatful for your help.Cot death can happen if you sleep with your baby as can leaving your baby on its own in another room,in essense you both arent 100% perfect but who is,we learn as we go and adapt to sistuations.Give her a ring say sorry(bite your tongue) and say didn't mean to upset her,you were only trying to help.....when baby starts to settle months down the line and she begins to feel human again she will look back and laugh about the whole matter!Life is too short to squabble over things like that

SparkyDuchess · 08/08/2011 10:11

When my goddaughter was tiny (6-12 weeks), I used to have her to stay here once a week to give her mum a decent night's sleep. GD is now 10, btw.

We never discussed where GD would sleep, her mum knew I didn't have a cot any more so I just assumed she'd realise that GD would be in with me.

I asked her yesterday if she knew that GD was in my bed the nights I had her, and she looked at me blankly. We discussed, and she never thought about it - she was just so bloody grateful to get a night off.

She wasn't co-sleeping at the time (although she did end up doing it eventually), and we are both of the opinion that at that sort of age, you can't possibly set any precedents, or 'create a rod'. It certainly didn't cause my GD any problems to spend 6 nights a week in her cot and 1 night a week in with me - it was different being at my house anyway, iyswim?

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 08/08/2011 12:14

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OhdearNigel · 08/08/2011 12:38

YANBU. They are the ones being U for expecting a 6 week old baby to sleep in her own room.