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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

643 replies

Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 16:15

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

OP posts:
EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 21:15

No, the parents were pissed off because they asked the OP to put the baby in her cot and she didn't - she co-slept, which the mother of the baby doesn't do because she thinks it's dangerous.

Whatever the evidence to the contrary is, the mother of the baby thinks it is a dangerous thing to do. When my DTDs were newborns, I also felt that co-sleeping was dangerous, and made a conscious decision not to do it. I would drag myself into their room to feed them and put them back down afterwards rather than risk falling asleep with them in my bed as I did not feel it was safe. Had someone else co-slept with either of my babies, I would have been livid, as I (as the mother of those babies) felt it was dangerous. I wouldn't have cared less whether this other person was an "experienced" co-sleeper - I would have felt that my babies had been put in danger.

Those posters who think that the SIL is upset because she was forced to realise that she was a failure as a mother need to get down off their very high horses.

TheOriginalFAB · 07/08/2011 21:15

Where does it say that the SIL YOU MUST NOT CO SLEEP WITH MY BABY? What did she expect the OP to do with the baby??

TheOriginalFAB · 07/08/2011 21:16

that the SIL said...

diddl · 07/08/2011 21:18

"What did she expect the OP to do with the baby?"

Stay awake all night I think!

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 07/08/2011 21:22

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Northernlurkerisgoingonholiday · 07/08/2011 21:23

Who is saying the sil is a failure? I'm certainly not. I do think she is completely misguided in the way she is managing her child's sleep but that's all.

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 21:24

The OP knew that the SIL did not co-sleep. As other posters have said, the SIL also didn't say "don't BF my baby" and "don't give the baby medised".

TheOriginalFAB · 07/08/2011 21:26

Ridiculous.

You know what, the OP put the baby first. Nothing wrong with that imo. This mamy is barely out of the womb.

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 21:29

MJ - the SIL didn't "leave" the baby. She asked the OP to spend the night in order to help out. If I'd asked a member of my family to help me (which, as I stated in an earlier post, would have taken a lot - I wasn't coping, but was determined to prove that I was) I would have expected them to respect my wishes.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 07/08/2011 21:30

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scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 21:31

this is a variation on mil gave baby ice cream

except,mil are usually object of derision on mn.and never right
so it usually goes
op: aibu,my mil gave baby ice cream
mn:omg.your baby your rules .mil is cow.how very dare she

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 07/08/2011 21:34

Actually SM when I had a MIL thread yonks ago, I was deemed the one BU to query her food choices while caring for DS... Wink

Pavlovthecat · 07/08/2011 21:34

Unless it was the MIL posting, and gave her own version of events when she might get some support as we only ever see one side. If the SIL was here saying it from her point of view 'sil co-slept with my baby bitch' we might be going Shock no way. But that would be because we would only have her detailed reasoning of why she felt it was so wrong, and not the view of the SIL who was so clearly vindictive according to the mother of the baby.

And if the MIL posted on gransnet, she will of course be right.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 07/08/2011 21:34

And there was McDonalds involved....

Northernlurkerisgoingonholiday · 07/08/2011 21:35

No it's not a variation on that theme at all Hmm Ice cream is an optional foodstuff. Sleep is not optional for any person - child or adult - who wishes to remain sane.

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 21:36

Eating isn't optional. Ice cream is.

Sleeping isn't optional. Co-sleeping is.

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 21:38

lol,humphy wee face.the nub of this is disregarded parental wishes
except on ice cream and mil folk usually spout your baby your rules as the mantra

for some here seems to be not her baby,and hey so she breaks rules

Northernlurkerisgoingonholiday · 07/08/2011 21:41

For this baby on this night - err no it doesn't seem like it was tbh. Eviltwins -ok we get it, you didn't co-sleep but that doesn't make it an intrinsically evil practice you know. It's not dangerous. You aren't teaching the baby to juggle knives or suckle from tigers.

There have been cases of SIDS associated with co-sleeping. That's association not causation. There have also been many cases of SIDS NOT associated with co-sleeping.

The child's mother has been talking in terms of a battle of wills with a 6 week old baby. That's an impossibility and represents a very sad state of affairs for that family. The sil's position is not a reasonable one.

mum0ftw0 · 07/08/2011 21:42

OP I believe you did the right thing for the child.
As you are a breastfeeding mother yourself your body is in a state at the moment so you're aware and in sync with the fact that a baby is next to you, so you'll be a light sleeper, and this is safe and good for the baby's emotional wellbeing, certainly this one who obviously needs what you gave her that night.

It's an absolute catastrophe was society has done to that family by making them think that babies should be kept seperately on a bloody bottle.

Imagine how different their lives and their sanity and health would be right now if the mother had just breastfed and co-slept.
Imagine all the trauma of screaming all night the baby could be avoiding.
They could both be sleeping through the night with her if they followed instincts and not the drivel that people come out with on parenting in this country.
Letting their baby wake up screaming all night to 'train them' and letting themselves get sleep deprived, what a load of bollox.

So sad.

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 21:46

Imagine how different their lives and their sanity and health would be right now if the mother had just breastfed and co-slept.

FFS. Your judgeypants must be so far up that they hurt, Mumoftwo

mum0ftw0 · 07/08/2011 21:47

I'm probably right though.

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 21:48

Like hell you are.

mum0ftw0 · 07/08/2011 21:49

Don't the parents know that having a baby sleeping in a different room increases the risk of SIDS far more than co-sleeping?

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 21:49

I'm guessing you missed the bit about the baby being lactose intolerant, which means that even breast milk can cause a reaction?

Good to have all the facts before you judge.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 07/08/2011 21:50

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