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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

643 replies

Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 16:15

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

OP posts:
annieversaire · 07/08/2011 19:26

You're completely missing the point though which was that the parents needed to sleep, knew the baby wouldn't sleep, so asked OP round to look after the baby WITHOUT recourse to waking them.

She wasn't allowed to wake them.
That was the entire point.

blowthewindsoutherly · 07/08/2011 19:28

It's hard with your first, you sometimes end up with these 'rules' and it's really hard to break them.

With our first DC, when my Mum asked what she should do if the baby woke up when she was babysitting (she rarely babysat and certainly not at the newborn stage so more like 6months plus) we always said call us and we'll come home. Do not, on pain of death get the baby up and bring her downstairs and play with her.

Of course, the baby woke and that's exactly what my Mum did. I didn't bollock her - I couldn't see the point - she knew we didn't want her to do it and she did it anyway, where's the point in arguing with people like that?

Now, of course, if anyone ever babysits for our two DC (again, rare) they are under strict instructions to do whatever it takes to AVOID calling us home Grin

TheOriginalFAB · 07/08/2011 19:31

SM - you really sound like you think the baby should have been made to be put in her cot and left to scream and then the OP pick her up, settle her, then put her down, where she wouild scream, then pick her up to settle, then put her back down etc etc etc all night and not sleep herself as why should she when the parents don't get to sleep?

TheOriginalFAB · 07/08/2011 19:33

Okay, OP felt she knew best what baby wanted. She co slept. Baby did not scream, Baby slept so clearly baby's needs were being met. So she was right.

reelingintheyears · 07/08/2011 19:33

Like i said....

It's hardly a hanging offense.

She looked after the baby and all was well.

In future perhaps just babysit and don't help out don't stay all night.

Get over it and let them do the nights the way they want to.

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2011 19:36

They wanted to sleep and they wanted to stick to a routine that wasn't suitable for the baby. The OP got the baby to sleep and now they're mad.

For those like SM who are infuriated at the OP, what if the OP had sat on the sofa holding the baby all night? Would that have been wrong too?

What if the OP held the baby, the baby slept, the baby's put down and the baby wakes and screams, so the OP holds the baby on the sofa and both sleep there, the baby in the OP's arms.

Would that be wrong, too?

LynetteScavo · 07/08/2011 19:39

OP you sound lovely. Your BIL and SIL are very lucky to have someone who will spend the night caring for their baby.

MrsCampbellBlack · 07/08/2011 19:39

I think there was only one option in hindsight - to have woken up sil and bil and said 'no baby won't sleep and I'm not going to pat it whilst it continues to cry and cry'.

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2011 19:51

In which case I think she would have been murdered by the BIL/SIL!

2BoysTooLoud · 07/08/2011 19:59

You gave that baby a good nights sleep for a 6 week old.
As I and many others have said - you did in laws a huge favour.
You are saintly to not have told SIL and MIL to go screw themselves after telling you off.
Your update suggests they are beginning to think that your methods with their baby has some merit [ie; she slept] and hence the acceptance of your offer of co sleeper thing.
Hope baby and all get some sleep at last.

Pavlovthecat · 07/08/2011 20:03

I posted a long post and it has all gone due to server being down!

So, the gist of it was - lets take away what she felt was best for her child/not best for her child.

She was JEALOUS of the OP. She has in her head this idea of what she should be doing, according to GF or some other 'guru' or possibly high powered mothers who return to work as supermums at 3 months etc and strives to be this woman. She knows what she wants to be doing, and it goes against her natural instincts as a mother. Right or wrong, whether or not she should or should not co-sleep is neither here nor there.

Another person, not the babies mum, co-slept with her baby, when all her instincts are telling her she should be the one doing that, and if she does not get to do it, NO-ONE should.

It is not about her non-communicated wishes not being adhered to. Someone else slept with her baby when it should have been her. And she knows it. And feels shit about it.

Pavlovthecat · 07/08/2011 20:07

so i guess i think yes yabu to have co-slept with your Dn, but mostly because you did something very intimate with her baby that she could not/has chosen not to do and that has stirred up huge turmoil for her rational vs irrational desires of how to care for her baby. You made her question her parenting.

Probably not a great thing to do to a first time highly strung sleep-deprived mother.

annieversaire · 07/08/2011 20:08

pavlov, that'swhy I think she asked OP over. She prob wasn't aware of doing it, but she knew on some level that someone else had to fuck up the cycle on her behalf as she couldn't break out of the rules she was trying so hard to do.
So she made her sil do it, and got cross with HER instead of with herself for 'failing' and that was enough of a catalyst to enable her to break the plan and do the thing she really wanted to.

So OP you really did supply a service here; you took the blame. She can now follow her instinct and blame it all on you. Well it's a result I suppose Smile

Pavlovthecat · 07/08/2011 20:12

yes, maybe. And have a wonderful excuse for being the sobbing mess she probably wanted to be but was not able to be due to not wanting to look like a neurotic first time mother - now she can let go and blame some-one else! And now she can co-sleep. Yes, I reckon maybe. She must have known that the OP co-slept with her own children? that she advocated this, and yet was not explicit in not wishing this for her own child? Oh I don't know though. I am sure I would consider telling someone not to do it. I would just presume they would not. But, then, I am not sure that I would be so upset about a what appears to be a close relative sharing a bed with my child if it gave me a night off and meant my child was not alone. But then, I struggled to get rid of my last into his own room til 14months as I was too soft!

annieversaire · 07/08/2011 20:17

I think we should set up as psychoanalysts for cash Grin

RedHotPokers · 07/08/2011 20:21

So what if OP had bf the baby in the honest belief that that was what was absolutely necessary to calm baby and facilitate sleep. Would that have been ok?

DirtyMartini · 07/08/2011 20:25

I would have done just what you did, OP. I can see why your SIL was angry, but I don't really think YWBU.

You agreed to look after a 6 week old baby all night long - you cared for her the way that came naturally to you - I am sorry that it's come back to bite you on the arse.

Pavlovthecat · 07/08/2011 20:29

and they were obviously not entirely concerned until the morning, as they did not notice the baby was still with you til 8am or so! How did they think you did it, I wonder, to get the baby to sleep that long and letting me sleep so long without noticing the morning creeping in? Did not wake at 4am or 5am and think 'all is quiet, might go and have a peek see how baby is sleeping' or pop downstairs to see what was going on, just slept on through.

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2011 20:29

No, I think that would be wrong, RedHotPokers.

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 20:32

parents should hire nanny and not allow busy body op to interfere
at least nanny will do what parents instruct
and op needs to apologise profusely

annieversaire · 07/08/2011 20:33

Yes I thought that odd Pavlov.

Redhotpokers, well, let's see. She did something that the SIL could have done herself. Had she breastfed the baby that would have been incompatible with the baby's mother's capabilities at this point.

i think that's the difference. Only do things the mother might have done herself - and yes the mother might have laid down beside the baby out of desperation, but we don't know if she ever had until now. It's possible she had.
We do know she could not breastfeed a 6 week old that had not been previously breastfed.

I don't think sharing a bed with the baby was beyond the bounds of what the mother herself, or the father, might have resorted to. Breastfeeding it would have been.

annieversaire · 07/08/2011 20:34

The OP did apologise SM. I agree about the nanny.

RedHotPokers · 07/08/2011 20:34

Where do you draw the line though? OP and OPs ILs should have discussed prior.

annieversaire · 07/08/2011 20:35

but they asked OP to be there all night. It was their idea afaik...busybody is a bit harsh

annieversaire · 07/08/2011 20:37

Yes indeed where do you draw it. I agree it needed further discussion. I don't tbh think the parents wanted this though or they would have discussed in detail.

I think the purposely (unconsciously) allowed OP to do her own thing so they could get cross about it and blame her for changing tack.

I'm sure of it in fact. They needed an outlet for some transference or whatever it's called.