To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

[Piggyleroux]

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

[LITTLEGEEK]

I co-sleep with DS so I can understand your instinct to do it, however, I know I would go nuts if someone else done it. FWIW, 6wo is too early to be in a room of her own in my opinion. Suggesting they have the baby close to them in their room for now might be a better option.

[2BoysTooLoud]

Any update Piggyleroux?

[flaminglip]

I don't think YABU to be honest.

You were asked to help in laws out by caring for their child through the night. You managed to get the baby to sleep in your way. Presumably the inlaws knew you co-sleep with your own baby. If they don't like your child rearing methods they shouldn't have asked you to care for their baby.

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

Oh sorry missed that!

[mamadivazback]

You did what your instinct told you to do and it helped you and DN get a good nights sleep. YANBU.

SIL is sleep deprived and may have an issue with co-sleeping (my cousin rolled onto her 3 week old DD and suffocated her) so might eb a bad subject. I would have went mad but that is why and lots of people have children in their own rooms at that age for different reasons. So she was not being unreasonable either.

[diddl]

I think Op is going to take hers over.

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

Sounds like the baby could do with one of those cots next to the bed thing. They they can lay with a hand on the baby for comfort. They would probably feel that this was starting a bad habit though but they can over time withdraw the hand slowly.

[ScarlettIsWalking]

Poor baby. Glad she got a nice sleep with you. The parents sound fucking clueless.

No good deed goes unpunished hey....

[Debs75]

I think a lot of you are reading this as OP just thought 'sod sil and bil I will just sleep with baby' SIL told her to put baby in cot when settled but she didn't settle so she tried again and again then after maybe realising this could take all night and baby is knackered she really needs sleep she laid her on the double bed and it worked. I don't know why it worked but it did, maybe the closeness of OP made baby feel snuggled and safe but whatever she slept and got probably the best nights sleep since her birth.
Yes OP did cross the line but if sil and bil craved sleep so much I bet they wouldn't be so pleased with constant badgering through the night because op got the baby to sleep.

In the end she did them a favour, they got a good nights sleep and she got baby a good nights sleep. They are angry at her maybe setting a bad habit but what if OP had paced all night or sat and rocked her in her pram or took her in the car, they are all bad habits which are even harder to break as mum or dad would have to be up with baby

Remember SIL asked for help so she must of trusted OP's judgement in raising children

[DoMeDon]

One night's not sleep deprivation imperial, it's a bad night. OP signed up for it when she agreed to help for that one night anyway.

[RitaMorgan]

I feel a bit sorry for the baby being sleep deprived too - surely the SIL should be ensuring her baby gets some decent sleep?

[ImperialBlether]

It's odd that everyone sympathises with the SIL for being sleep deprived, but the SIL was trying to keep the OP sleep deprived, too!

[orchidee]

This makes me very sad... clearly the parents are frazzled but the idea that a young baby who is physically uncomfortable is being left on their own overnight seems very strange. If a baby who never sleeps more than a 2 hour stretch has now slept for one or two 4 hour stretches then surely it's obvious she needs this level of closeness to comfort her?

Also I just wanted to say that there's no agreed definition on what constitutes cosleeping but the Sears books (v good info on sleep if you're interested) describe cosleeping as anything from bed-sharing through bedside cots (an annexe to the main bed) or just sleeping in the same room (which is the SIDS recommendation anyway at this age.)

[RitaMorgan]

Isn't it lucky we have a simple, easy to use word for that now then.

[DoMeDon]

YABU - not your place to sleep with another woman's child. I didnt co-sleep as I worried about the risks. That's my choice as a mother - not anyone elses. She asked for help, asked you to put baby in cot (which I think is sad at 6 weeks and would worry me more than co-sleeping TBH)- she needs to think that you will HELP her in the way she needs not INTERFERE in a way she doesn't.

She was U to shout at you but you said yourself she is sleep deprived and that sends the best people over the edge. You did something she thought was unsafe with her tiny baby - your (and the rest of MN's) opinion on co-slepping is irrelevant.

[ImperialBlether]

My day too, Busty. You'd say, "I have to put her on my bed before she goes to sleep, but at least it means we both sleep well."

Not IN the bed - ON.

[BustySinclair]

wonders when the word co-sleeping became trendy

in my day it was "having them in bed wiv ya"

[OhdearNigel]

"Their baby, their choice."

So if my choice was to give my DD a large dose of calpol to get her to sleep every night, ignoring the risks, that would be alright, Triggles, would it ? My baby, my choice after all

[OhdearNigel]

YANBU. They are the ones being U for expecting a 6 week old baby to sleep in her own room.

[SparkyDuchess]

When my goddaughter was tiny (6-12 weeks), I used to have her to stay here once a week to give her mum a decent night's sleep. GD is now 10, btw.

We never discussed where GD would sleep, her mum knew I didn't have a cot any more so I just assumed she'd realise that GD would be in with me.

I asked her yesterday if she knew that GD was in my bed the nights I had her, and she looked at me blankly. We discussed, and she never thought about it - she was just so bloody grateful to get a night off.

She wasn't co-sleeping at the time (although she did end up doing it eventually), and we are both of the opinion that at that sort of age, you can't possibly set any precedents, or 'create a rod'. It certainly didn't cause my GD any problems to spend 6 nights a week in her cot and 1 night a week in with me - it was different being at my house anyway, iyswim?

[sashadasher]

I think you were tying to do your very best,had the best intentions but maybe over stepped the mark on a very over anxious and obviously very sleep deprived new mum who in return over reacted and seemed very ungreatful for your help.Cot death can happen if you sleep with your baby as can leaving your baby on its own in another room,in essense you both arent 100% perfect but who is,we learn as we go and adapt to sistuations.Give her a ring say sorry(bite your tongue) and say didn't mean to upset her,you were only trying to help.....when baby starts to settle months down the line and she begins to feel human again she will look back and laugh about the whole matter!Life is too short to squabble over things like that

[annieversaire]

Yes Kellymom is ace and very highly regarded, whether you've heard of it or not.

[QuintessentialShadow]

Your sister in law is an idiot. Full stop.

[RollingInTheAisles]

Oh and EvilTwins - Kellymom is a very well known and respected source of breastfeeding advice.