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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

643 replies

Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 16:15

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 20:37

well mn opinion seems to be
co-sleep without consent.ok
bf without consent not ok
global issue is consent,not people individual do/donts.and thats why op is so wrong purposefully ignoring parental preferences.imposing her own preeference

honeyandsalt · 07/08/2011 20:38

scottishmummy - do you have control issues? I mean, how are you going to cope if and when your kids go to school, or leave home? Someone in charge of them may do something different from what you would, you know .

The OP did her best under difficult circumstances, and honestly the parents don't sound very well-informed about the risks surrounding different sleeping scenarios. So she's not being insufferable, just factual. She has apologised that they had a scare, and that's all she needs to do.

annieversaire · 07/08/2011 20:39

I think she needed clearer instructions if she was to ensure cooperation. There wasn't much in terms of that. No long written lists or whatever it was you had when you babysat.

Just we're off, here's the baby, put her in her cot at some point.

I don't get the impression OP knew what was and wasn't allowed.

DirtyMartini · 07/08/2011 20:40

"busybody"? pfft

DirtyMartini · 07/08/2011 20:40

precisely, anniversaire

Northernlurkerisgoingonholiday · 07/08/2011 20:41

SM - the parental preference was for them to sleep. Only after the event did they specifically forbid behaviour.

RedHotPokers · 07/08/2011 20:42

I get the impression the OP thought she was right and her SIL was wrong, and wanted to show she knew best.

As it turns out, co-sleeping may well have been best, but that doesn't mean OP was being reasonable in her approach.

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 20:42

i have primary kids.and the teacher is responsible adult who sets and exerts boundaries.thats understood,agreed and explicit in sending to school.

co-sleeping someone else baby was not explicit,agreed or understood.op did her own thing.

annieversaire · 07/08/2011 20:44

yes but as far as she KNEW she did her own thing within the parameters of what was Ok

she never expected the furore in the morning

that says a lot.

pookle10 · 07/08/2011 20:47

scottishmummy you really need to chill!!!

littlewheel · 07/08/2011 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EvilTwins · 07/08/2011 20:49

I disagree, annie. She KNEW that the baby was in her own cot, in her own room, and that co-sleeping was not a tactic being used. However, she decided, rather arrogantly, that the in-laws were doing it all wrong, and that she was doing it all right, and therefore her way was best.

This is not about co-sleeping or non co-sleeping, BF or FF, or your MIL feeding your 15 week old ice cream. This is about respect. The OP showed a complete lack of respect to her SIL by knowingly doing something the SIL has chosen not to do.

honeyandsalt · 07/08/2011 20:55

Bollocks, you don't agree to every little thing the teacher says and does, you hand your kids over to their care because you trust their judgement to be , overall, benefical. Which if you look at it objectively the OP did achieve. Everyone got some sleep. Score.

The SIL completely (and understandably, considering some of the misinformation out there) overreacted and thought her baby was in danger, that was her real issue, she didn't protest about being undermined. Now she's borrowing the co-sleeping cot. The OP wasn't patronisingly telling her how to raise her child, she was given the care of the baby, tried to do things the SILs way (which failed) and discovered the only way to get some shut eye was to lie down beside the baby and dose, which she was well-practiced in doing safely. It was some malicious "mwahaaha I'll show her" moment.

honeyandsalt · 07/08/2011 20:55

ooops, wasn't

Animation · 07/08/2011 20:58

"The OP wasn't patronisingly telling her how to raise her child, she was given the care of the baby, tried to do things the SILs way (which failed) and discovered the only way to get some shut eye was to lie down beside the baby and dose, which she was well-practiced in doing safely. It was some malicious "mwahaaha I'll show her" moment."

Exactly!

pookle10 · 07/08/2011 21:00

A teacher must act as loco parentis

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 21:00

look at op,sil gave instructions Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there

clear instruction given by sil and ignored by op

Northernlurkerisgoingonholiday · 07/08/2011 21:02

No she didn't ignore it. The instruction was 'dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.'

The baby never settled until the op laid down on the double bed with her.

Animation · 07/08/2011 21:05

"clear instruction given by sil and ignored by op"

Well she tried but failed - so tried the next best thing. She's only human!

scottishmummy · 07/08/2011 21:06

op knows parents dont co sleep.she chose to cosleep.flagrant disregard
just like all the mn mil fed 3mth baby posts are about ignoring parental wishes and doing own thing.its the disregard and wilful opposition

Animation · 07/08/2011 21:09

"wilful opposition"

Pavlovthecat · 07/08/2011 21:09

thing with the whole 'co-sleeping' thing, is that not everyone thinks about it in terms of being a 'strategy' to aid sleep. Some people just do it. Like some people don't 'baby led wean' specifically, they don't consciously think/go buy books etc, they just give their baby age appropriate food.

So if that is the case with OP which it sounds like it might be, it might not have been 'i wonder if co-sleeping is ok? should I? shouldn't I? sod it, I am a better parent, co-sleeping is best therefore I am going to do it' it may have been more a 'baby wants to sleep, needs to sleep, parents need to sleep, so lets all sleep' and do it the way she knows how.

Some people might not consider that it might be frowned upon, just because it is such a normal part of their own life.

Right or wrong, it is not going to harm the baby, and SIL will have to just get over it, it is done now. And likely the OP won't ever be doing that again.

Northernlurkerisgoingonholiday · 07/08/2011 21:10

SM - you're not the sil are you?
Co-sleeping on one occasion, safely as the OP did, is not a point of major philosophical crisis surely? The parents were pissed off because it worked and what they were doing didn't work. Happily they appear to have now had their horizons broadened somewhat.

Pavlovthecat · 07/08/2011 21:11

OP do you think they might try it themselves now they know it works?

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 07/08/2011 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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