To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

[Piggyleroux]

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

YANBU. I think your SIL is being ungrateful. The baby is 6 weeks old, she shouldn't be in a cot in her own room, her baby was okay for the first time in 6 weeks due to human contact so if she doesn't like things done differently then she shouldn't ask for help. Understand fear of cotdeath but this is more about her own feeling of inadequacy and you were just trying to help.

I only wish I had a sil like you op. You have a young baby yourself and still went out of your way to help.

what I think was SIL was a bit shocked as co sleeping is so out of her comfort zone - and perhaps she's right, I never know if it's recommended or not, it seems to change so much...always done it with mine though as it seemed so intuitive.

PLUS you'd been up for ages with her dd, you needed sleep - you'd have been up all blardy night otherwise. They might want to do a routine and all that but to drag others into it when they know it's a nightmare is totally weird.

You got the child to sleep.
She was fecked off that you'd done it in a different way to the routine.
a 6wk old isn't going to register this sort of break in routine.
SIL is being abjectly unreasonable but I don't think she understands why...she will prob apologise to YOU, she may have been at breaking point and just let go at you.

anyway I think it's no one's fault and just a misunderstanding but you tried your best and meant very well and did no harm.

Well yes, YABU to co-sleep with someones baby without clearing it with them first.

However I want to be clear that I don't think you were wrong to co-sleep in itself, I am a huge advocate. I also agree that your DN is probably struggling with lack of human contact and this was a lovely thing for her. Very situation really.

To apologise? Probably, but I would only be doing it to keep the peace if I were you. I don't think I would be having genuine regrets over it.

My only concern though, it that co-sleeping is supposed to be safe because the parent is tuned in to their child, doesn't research show that it is the biological link that makes it safe? So that might have concerned me if a non parent has co-slept with my child.

"While it was good of you to go there to help,your sister-in- law may well feel that you were being domineering to do things 'your' way."

Well SILs way doesn´t seem to be working, does it?

My SIL had ds when he was little and told me they'd slept in the same bed - I didn't bat an eye lid I was just very grateful for the break and pleased ds had had a nice cuddle with his Aunty.

I can see both sides.

The feeling of protectiveness, of wanting to be totally in control of your own baby, that something will go terribly wrong if you break your own fragile routine, is familiar to me - but in a different way. I hated my mother taking ds1, I hated the fact she was doing it and I wasn't, and I insisted she did it my way usually.

SIL sounds particularly control-freakish in that way, by the fact she even has a newborn routine etc and she probably freaked out and panicked that you had destroyed something about it - but then she should NOT have asked other people to help out overnight, if that's how she felt.

I hope you can sort it out.

YANBU. You were asked to help out, and you did your best to ensure that everyone had a good night's sleep. When my mil has babysat my children, she has taken then into her bed when they wouldn't sleep. I didn't mind, I was just always grateful for a night off.

It sounds like your SIL and her dh are struggling to cope, and not grateful for your help, I would keep well out of it from now on and never offer to help out again.

I think YWBU but with really good intentions.

I now however think IABU - if someone offers to look after my baby, that's lovely but I expect then to follow my routine and 'rules' to a large extent - keeping DS up for an extra hour to play - no bother, feeding him Wotsits or cosleeping - no way... May need to rethink. Maybe.

I find it irritating when people try to tell me how to parent, but then, I've never been so desperate that I've asked anyone to come in and spend the night looking after my baby so I could sleep. Something sort of feels like you can't have it both ways, and maybe her way isn't working. I think she should try having baby next to her bed, but that's my personal opinion.
I think your SIL totally overreacted, but she must be so tired i would probably overreact too if I was her. Phone and apologise, or even better go and see her, and reassure her that you will always listen to the way she wants to do things with her DD in future. If she's still funny with you, then it's her problem.

Not unreasonable at all, I would have done the same. Putting a 6 week old baby in their own room is surely more dangerous than co-sleeping?

I can also see both sides btw.

But isn´t the point that the parents were desperate for sleep.

And surely for that to happen baby has to sleep?

Or because OP was there the screaming/crying that usually disturbed them wouldn´t for some reaon?

The more I think about it the more I think the problem is that the OP settled the baby. Poor sil is worn to a frazzle and seeing someone else asleep with her baby - also asleep - is going to be the final straw. I don't think she's behaving well and I think she's wrong to put the baby in their own room at this point - but I can understand why she is so unglued.

Surely she'll be able to see the logic behind what you did though, and the results. She's had six weeks of a non-sleeping baby alone in its own room, you co-slept and got her to sleep on the very first try of this method.

Once she's calmer, you could suggest a co-sleeping cot? That way the baby knows an adult is near, and will be reassured by their presence but also won't be waking up wanting to be held every five minutes. That's what's going to cause lack of independence, not co-sleeping.

I don't think YWBU because you did what you could to make a tiny newborn feel secure and happy and that isn't unreasonable.

But your SIL isn't being unreasonable either. When I was that sleep deprived I had no perspective on things, really thought mad things like I was making DD too dependent on me by feeding on demand and not having a routine etc. I really needed to get more sleep to regain my confidence. And in the first few weeks it is very easy to feel undermined by helpful suggestion from relatives, let alone someone doing something like sleeping with your baby.

Call her and apologise because whilst I don't think what you did was wrong she is the one who is exhausted and fragile not you. If she is at all receptive tell her that her baby is just too little to be learning anything least of all how to be independent. Her brain isn't capable of making those causal connections. So she cannot spoil her or make a rod for her own back or any of that crap by simply cuddling her lots now. There may (or may not) be a time for sleep training in the future but that time is many months away.

InFlames, I don't think so actually. I think it's totally reasonable to ask folk to do it your way but the OP#s SIL didn't specify that no co sleeping was allowed. OP had no idea she was doing something so affronting to the SIL's sensibilities.

If you had a babysitter and made it very clear from the off that no way was she to co sleep, and the routine MUST be followed then that;s kosher.

However to come storming in after the event saying it was out of order, well, I think that's totally unfair. Plus if you trust someone enough to have them totally take charge of your own baby for an entire night, while you and your husband sleep in the same house implies a degree of either implicit trust OR desperation of the type where you'd be liable to explode over anything tbh

YANBU - your SIL sounds mental wanting a 6 weeks old baby to sleep by itself and be "independant"

I agree with that NorthernLurker. If my baby cried all the time it would really piss me off if someone else had managed to settle her.

YANBU. You did them a huge favour. They asked for your help. It was for one night. All turned out well. You treated your dn with love and tenderness, same way you treat your own ds. I think you SIL is being ungrateful and over-reacting, possibly due to tiredness. I can't imagine summoning someone to drive to my house, to look after my child, to give up their free time - and then having a massive go at them for doing just that.

That makes a lot of sense Anniversaire :-)

aha, see I don't think the point WAS to get the baby to sleep.

I think the whole point, the really big point of it all was to get the baby to follow its parents routine concept, whether it slept or not (while it's being established - which might take a lot longer than 6 weeks!)

You did the wrong thing by getting her to sleep a different way.
Thatw as the problem.
The sleep isn't the issue for them it's the routine. It's all about tomorrow, next month, next year;s well behaved and trained baby, not about the here and now which is frankly the only place a newborn baby lives.

I don't think YABU.

They are obviously ignoring safety advice anyway, I would point this out to them. I am shocked they would ask for you to do this tbh.

aw the poor baby my DD was in our room till she was 6 months at least i couldnt have dreamt of putting her in another room at just weeks old :(

have to say i think YWBU as its sils baby and her routine tho it would break my heart to follow it but i think in her sleep deprived state adding into worry about sids and maybe her nose out of joint that something she so clearly doesnt want to do has worked for her DD she has flown off the handle slightly.

also hate to be the one to say it but could she be depressed? or blinkered at least to how much comfort a baby can gain from being near its mother especially in the first months?

I agree with you Diddl,that sister-in-laws way isn't working out great.But if she feels that she is being shown that in a 'I know better than you' way,then that would explain the outburst.I think the whole thing could have been avoided if things were done the mothers way on that one night,let her have some sleep,and then have a reasonable conversation about it the next day and offer some tips then.
The new mother is bound to be over-reactive,she is at the peak of that awful torture that is sleep deprivation and hormones!

Piggyleroux,your sister in law obviously thinks highly enough of you to turn to you for help when she needed it most.She exploded then,probably because she either A)felt inadeqate in not being able to cope or B) Thought you were implying she was inadequate.This situation can be sorted without it blowing up into a huge feud.Cut her some slack,ring her and say you never meant to upset her.That you did what you thought would help her baby most at that particular moment,there was no judgement intended.

Then maybe give her the link to a few parenting sites...this one included...where she can get tips from other mothers going through the same thing re feeding and sleeping.

I think when a 6 week old baby is away from it's mum over night and the person can actually get the child to sleep they should be applauded not yelled at, especially when that person has a 10 month old themselves!