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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding Welsh?

216 replies

Jelly15 · 04/08/2011 18:11

DH and I been married for 18 years. He was brought up to speak Welsh as his first language. I was brought up in the same town to non Welsh speaking parents. DSs are billingual but, despite having lessons several times, I have not been able to get a grasp on Welsh.

The problem I have is when DHs family visit and are not talking directly to me they speak in Welsh. DH and DSs answer them in English and translate for me. I have kept my mouth shut for years and understand it if I am in their houses but this is my home and I am about to tell the rude baskets what I think. AIBU?

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 04/08/2011 18:43

I know!

cory · 04/08/2011 18:43

I am Swedish and always speak Swedish to members of my family as this is what we have always done; dh simply had to learn the language to keep up- in the same way as I had to learn English to keep up with him and his family. He has not found it easy but accepted that that was part of the deal, that my language was as important as his.

Being Swedish I can get away with this- people assume that I speak my language in certain situations because I feel comfortable doing it, because it puts elderly or very young relatives at their ease, because it seems a natural thing to do. But if I were Welsh, of course I could have no other motivation than to wind up the English. The very idea that the Welsh could presume to be like other people and want to speak the language they feel comfortable with- well, it just proves that they have an enormous chip on their shoulder. Unlike the Swedes or the Poles or the Italians.

MumblingRagDoll · 04/08/2011 18:45

I am a non Welsh speaker but grew up in Wales and I think YABU.

Welsh is only aliive today because those who speak it are staunch....if my DH were a Welsh speaker I would have made an effort to learn more...

BeerTricksPotter · 04/08/2011 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 04/08/2011 18:47
Rubyx · 04/08/2011 18:50

Learn the lingo i think, you are in wales and it may help in other areas.. .my kids were brought up bi lingual and i struggled but keep at it and you will know enough x

Smallbrownbird · 04/08/2011 18:56

I'm English and I've lived in Wales for more than 20 years and still can't speak the language, despite trying. There aren't many Welsh learners who ever become truly fluent, most of us just about get by. If you were French and your only common language with your in-laws was English would they still speak in Welsh?

Tortu · 04/08/2011 18:57

Hmmmm. Awkward and I sympathise. Married into a Welsh family who all speak Welsh at home (I am English). In my circumstances, whilst they do speak English and make an effort to include me, it is clear that Welsh is their preference.

I don't know your full situation, but with me, I accept it to be honest. They're not speaking Welsh to annoy me and do translate the funny bits. It's just the language that they're most comfortable in and therefore I think expecting them to speak only in English just because I'm there is a bit selfish.

However, I've made no attempt to learn Welsh, though if we ever move there I will do so. I know you've said you have tried, but it would seriously annoy me if my kids spoke a language that I didn't understand. Maybe try again with a different teacher?

minipie · 04/08/2011 18:58

Cory the difference is that in your and DH's (combined) family there wasn't any one language which everyone spoke. So it's fair that you learn his and he learns yours.

The OP's situation is different. Everyone speaks English well. No-one is being expected to learn another language.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/08/2011 19:00

Given that your DC are translating for you, they can't fail to be aware that you struggle with the language. So I think it is very rude to continue speaking Welsh in your home if they could just as easily speak English.

To those of you who say she ought to learn the language, Welsh is very difficult to learn and not all people find it easy to pick up other languages.

In her own home, the OP has a right to understand the conversation.

OP, your husband ought to have dealt with this for you by now, but it is never too late to make changes. Tell everyone that you would prefer them to speak English in your home as you struggle with Welsh. If they are not prepared to make you feel comfortable in your own house, then tell them not to visit!

LineRunner · 04/08/2011 19:01

I've worked abroad a lot in the past and picked up 'passable' amounts of various languages. Enough to make conversation, anyway, and I was usually only in the country for maybe four months.

I think cory's post was really good.

Tortu · 04/08/2011 19:03

Erm, in the area that my husband's family are from, English is very much the second language. Yeah people do speak it, but I know that certainly in my husband's aunts case she does struggle to express herself a bit. Welsh is definitely the main language.

I know nobody is trying to wind me up by speaking in Welsh- they're all lovely and we get on very well. There is no political point being made, it's just the language that they speak.

Good luck OP. Should have said early that if you feel really uncomfortable and it's been grating on you for years, you should say something. I'm sure they'd be upset to know you'd been feeling like that!

TimeWasting · 04/08/2011 19:04

My grandmother lived in Wales for 60 years and couldn't speak a word. But then she didn't really like the Welsh very much. Grin
And more helpfully, everyone spoke English to her, so how could she learn?

Shutupanddrive · 04/08/2011 19:05

But I assume they live in Wales and may object to being told they can't speak their own language in their own country! I agree that Welsh is very difficult to learn though, maybe you need to try a bit harder to learn the basics. My Dp can't speak Welsh but can follow what going on in a conversation

exoticfruits · 04/08/2011 19:06

YANBU-they are being rude when they can perfectly manage to speak in English.

TimeWasting · 04/08/2011 19:10

Perhaps they are saying things that can't be said in English?

My Dad is always telling me poems in Welsh. And then I look at him like Confused and then he translates it and I know I've missed how beautiful and deep it is.

welliesandpyjamas · 04/08/2011 19:16

Oh, so so so funny that this thread was started today...after 15 odd years of my (Welsh, Welsh-speaking) father doing exactly this to my (English) husband, he today had to ask me to speak English in the presence of his new English-speaking wife, who was feeling excluded and isolated by the linguistic exclusion. Oh the irony! Oh the karma! jelly15 I'm sure you'll appreciate how much I am giggling this evening Grin

fedupofnamechanging · 04/08/2011 19:19

What did you say wellies? Hope you took the opportunity to point out that his new wife feels much the same way as you husband has been feeling for 15 years. I also hope your dad has the grace to apologise to your DH.

welliesandpyjamas · 04/08/2011 19:24

I did, karmabeliever. But I doubt there will be an apology Sad

RedBlanket · 04/08/2011 19:24

Perhaps they think that if you haven't said anything after 18 years that you don't mind.

bilblio · 04/08/2011 19:26

Have you ever asked them to speak English in your home?
If you have and they still speak Welsh, then yes, they're being incredibly rude... however if you've never said, or even hinted in 18 years that it's an issue then maybe you should speak up.

welliesandpyjamas · 04/08/2011 19:29

If my dh's experience is anything to go by, Redblanket, time makes you more hurt by the exclusion (in that, you assume the longer you have been in the family, the more they should care about your feelings) and in the early years you are less likely to speak out. In some cases, this kind of thing is just innocent habit, in others it actually IS political.

Chipotle · 04/08/2011 19:34

My DH and his family are Welsh speakers and when I'm present for the most part speak English but not always and I sometimes feel a bit left out but I just switch off and try not to get too cross. DHs Mum and sister are the worst his Dad doesn't do it so often.

The one thing I really can't stand is S4C and the bloody Eisteddfod (sp?)
They insist on watching it (even searching digital channels at my house to find it), they put on subtitles for me but OMG why anyone in their right mind would want to watch it is beyond me.

Incidentally DH does not speak Welsh to DS (16 month)... And is not bothered starting to either so I will soon have a partner in crime when he talks enough to hold a conversation!

rhondajean · 04/08/2011 19:37

This reminded me of a story in the news this week. A man on a Scottish Isle is refusing to fill in his census form because he is the only person in Scotland to have requested it in Welsh and the Scottish Government are refusing to translate it due to the cost and the fact that he speaks and writes perfectly good English.

In fact unless I misread he isnt even a first language Welsh speaker, he lived there for about 20 years and picked it up (sorry if I got that bit wrong).

He sounds a complete fruit loop, hes been writing for years asking them to translate everything into Welsh, he even got one leaflet translated into Welsh Braille and sent to him (and no he isnt blind either).

But noone should be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home and family, thats just a bit rude.

AlpinePony · 04/08/2011 19:47

Yabu for a myriad of reasons, but most of all for not even having a passive knowledge of Welsh despite having lived in that village all your life. I don't even understand how that's possible! I've picked up 3 new languages in the last 10 years, and whilst far from fluent, I can at least follow a conversation!

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