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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask dd's friend to say please and thank you whilst on a play date?

124 replies

Sleepglorioussleep · 03/08/2011 12:32

Didn't really think about it, dd had friend round, both seven, and friend asked for drink (bit of a tone in the way she asked). As a reflex really I said, "say please" and she informed me that she didn't have to say please. I, bit less reflex this time, said that we do in our house. Mother rang me the next day to say that what I'd said was unacceptable. I promise faithfully that both comments to her dd were made in a pleasant tone! Aibu?

OP posts:

LadyThumb · 03/08/2011 12:34

Nope.

scurryfunge · 03/08/2011 12:34

Did the mother qualify what she meant by it being unacceptable?

Sinkingfeeling · 03/08/2011 12:35

Of course YANBU. Your house, your rules. Sounds like your dc's friend isn't used to being challenged on her manners. The other mother was VU to complain to you IMO.

cjbartlett · 03/08/2011 12:36

Is this for real?
I don't know any sane person who would ring the next day about this!

squeakytoy · 03/08/2011 12:36

I would say the child is no longer welcome in your house in that case if it were me.

I wont tolerate bad manners, and god knows what the mother is teaching her daughter.

Cleverything · 03/08/2011 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olibeansmummy · 03/08/2011 12:36

I say it automatically to my neice as well as ds, bit different though as she's family but I definitely don't think YABU. Manners cost nothing and in your house it's your rules... And other such cliches...

Ingles2 · 03/08/2011 12:41

OMG! Really? She rang? go on tell us exactly what she said....
YANBU btw... I would be asking her to say please, then telling her not to be cheeky as well.

Lisatheonewhoeatsdrytoast · 03/08/2011 12:46

My DS is 2.7 and if he asks for something he knows to say please and thank you, if he forgets he doesn't get it until he has said please (common manners really) So had he been round at your house OP and you had said that, i would be quite pleased!

KeepingUpWithTheCojones · 03/08/2011 12:48

bit of a tangent, but when I was 18 I shared a flat with a girl that refused to say please or thankyou as "I was raised to believe there are more meaningful ways to thank someone".

She was unclear when asked what 'meaningful' form of thanks she would employ for someone passing her the salt.

She caved eventually

bananasplitz · 03/08/2011 12:51

i always always say "what do you say" if a child doesnt show manners

its a reflex with me

if someone told me it was unacceptable, i would say sort your blimmin kid's manners out then love

OTheHugeManatee · 03/08/2011 12:52

That's one kid whose playdate invitations will be tailing off, except with other children raised wihout basic manners. I feel a bit sorry for the little girl really.

catgirl1976 · 03/08/2011 12:53

Wow. YANBU at all. I agree with posters who say tell her the child is no longer welcome in your house due to complete lack of manners. To be honest I feel very sorry for the child

Grumpla · 03/08/2011 12:56

Yanbu. Her mother sounds deranged.

Sirzy · 03/08/2011 12:56

I can't believe any parent would teach a child they don't need to say please and thank you! Ds is 22 months and already knows thank you (although of course I don't expect it all the time yet!)

Firawla · 03/08/2011 12:57

yanbu! i would have found it very rude the girl claiming she "doesnt have to" say please and the mum phoning up!! the initial forgetting to say please i would not have worried too much as they all can forget at times, but the child sounds like her mum lets her just be a cheeky madam.. wouldn't be keen to ask her back if this is the behaviour she shows.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 03/08/2011 12:59

HAHAHA you're KIDDING!!???

I've got a lovely 4.5yr old boy upstairs playing with my sons and so far he's been told to pronounce yes, not yeah, and to keep his elbows off the table when he's eating.

She's a stupid and pig-ignorant cunt who will teach her child dreadful manners. (oOooh, the irony of my swearing...) Or am I being unreasonable to say this???!!!

rockinhippy · 03/08/2011 12:59

Your house YOUR rules!! 7 also it wouldn't be teaching your own DD much if her friend was allowed to get away with it & she isn't

you were right & the DCs Mother was in the wrong to call you on it - though at 7 her DDs version of events might not be quite as they were, so worth baring that in mind

I ALWAYS pull DDs friends up on bad manners if they are here, or out with us & not yet had any complaints from any parents & they would get a flea in their ear if they did

though I have found insisting on the please/thankyous in a more jokey way seems to work best & usually gets a smile along with the P&Qs - I usually either just look puzzled a go "pardon" whilst raising my eyebrows & looking quizzical - if the still don't get it, I then say "oh, you seem to have missed "the magic word" - I will keep on acting deaf until they ask properly & then add on giving the drink etc "see it IS a magic word, as it got you what you wanted & made me smile" - usually cue fits of giggles - & they ask properly from there onwards

works round here at least, but then I've never had a DC over whose parents are so rude as to think its okay to ring & complain - the woman wants a slap (not literally incase someone jumps on that

MorelliOrRanger · 03/08/2011 12:59

I'd be interested to know why her mum thinks what you said is unacceptable - please and thank you are basic manners - is her mother bloody rude as well then?

hester · 03/08/2011 13:11

Hilarious! Of course YANBU. I absolutely rely on other parents to make up for the deficits in my parenting and show her how civilised people behave

Original poster

Sleepglorioussleep · 03/08/2011 13:13

The mother's point was that they believed that when they were ready her children would learn from example to say please and thank you and that they didn't think it should be insisted on or imposed by adults. She wasn't so much cross as explaining her point of view. But I sort of feel it's so not mainstream to think that that she ought to prep her child to know what to do if asked to say please or thank you or not send her on playdates. I expect to remind children at my house and for dd to be reminded. They forget stuff when with friends so I know it's not because they don't know and I'm in loco parentis then.

OP posts:

hester · 03/08/2011 13:20

Well, exactly. One of the mums at our school was recently reprimanded by another for letting her dc watch TV on a playdate. If your way of raising your dc is not the norm, and you feel so strongly about it that it outweighs the benefit of letting your child experience other families' different ways of doing things, then the onus is on you to accept a playdate only on production of a written list of Your Rules.

Social death for your child, but hey ho at least they're not being subjected to CBeebies or the totalitarian regime that is Manners.

hester · 03/08/2011 13:20

And now I have to ask, SGS: what did you then say to her?

scurryfunge · 03/08/2011 13:22

But her children will not learn from example if there is no example being set. Strange logic from the mother.

rockinhippy · 03/08/2011 13:27

the Mother is barking mad

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