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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask dd's friend to say please and thank you whilst on a play date?

124 replies

Sleepglorioussleep · 03/08/2011 12:32

Didn't really think about it, dd had friend round, both seven, and friend asked for drink (bit of a tone in the way she asked). As a reflex really I said, "say please" and she informed me that she didn't have to say please. I, bit less reflex this time, said that we do in our house. Mother rang me the next day to say that what I'd said was unacceptable. I promise faithfully that both comments to her dd were made in a pleasant tone! Aibu?

OP posts:

catgirl1976 · 03/08/2011 15:36

Cogito wow that is TERRIBLE!

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 03/08/2011 15:39

fastweb, that's fine then in an Italian cultural context, but we are talking here about Blighty. (at least I'm assuming we are ? maybe I shouldn't ...)

Anyway, OP, of course YANBU. The other mother is a twunt. If it were me I'd say that it worried you that she responded with 'I don't have to say please', as that suggests that THAT is what she was learning by example. Of course the other mother would promptly terminate the call, and probably the friendship.

But poor child growing up with such a lack of manners. She's going to piss off so many people.

robingood19 · 03/08/2011 15:39

Well parenting is a power thing and inevitably a class thing' in a country like ours

what I find is middle class mums tend to think they are RIGHT on manners and people who do it differently are wrong. (There is no one size fits all) Sorry Ladies.

emmanumber3 · 03/08/2011 15:41

Cogito - perfect example of a child repeating what their parents have said in the child's hearing. Ill mannered parents will invariably produce ill mannered children. Still awful though, I'd be resisting the urge to slap the little darling .

scurryfunge · 03/08/2011 15:42

Can you really justify a lack of acknowledgement as ever being ok robingood?

catgirl1976 · 03/08/2011 15:44

Did you say anything Cogito? Like "you should because I asked you to you horrible, ill mannered little oik"? Oooh my catsbum face would have set new world records.

FlyMeToTheMooncup · 03/08/2011 15:51

Am going to read rest of thread now but just had to post so probably repeating others sorry

Thankfully none of DD's friends/their parents seem to mind if I say something like in the OP - and I would hope that my friends would give DD a telling off or manners reminder of necessary. Can't believe someone would be upset at you for such a basic gentle reminder!

FlyMeToTheMooncup · 03/08/2011 15:54

Oh and Re: the unassetable thing - has anyone else noticed on the latest Jo Frost series she actually says unacceptable properly - she must've had training :o

robingood19 · 03/08/2011 15:55

I will answer in class terms. People mix with others who are similar status to themselves. They are more comfortable that way.

It need not be over important things. It can be elbows on the table; bog
or loo; leg-over or sexual intercourse. I have heard inquests over gran or nan.....Kid or child. None of these butter many parsnips except in class terms.

It is a humourists dream> Me? I am much more mannered than my parents were. But I dont expect a medal sincerely or cheers.

KristinaM · 03/08/2011 15:57

Animula, i love your response

Ds aged 4 got inito MAJOR trouble recently at nursery because the head teacher told him to do soemthing and he responded

" what s the magic word?"

She was apoplexic. She said he must have ASD as his comment was so socilally inappropriate , although She coulndt give any other examples of social communication problems. Except that he had a ( posh) accent.

I have explained to him that he should not say this to adults

scurryfunge · 03/08/2011 16:00

I would be moving my child straight out of that nursery Kristina. The head sounds incompetent.ASD, ffs

KristinaM · 03/08/2011 16:00

Oohh i just love it when a man pops up on the thread, makes his point and adds

"Sorry ladies"

Thereby implying they have played a trump card. End of debate. A man has spoken

scurryfunge · 03/08/2011 16:02

Yes, that was a tad irritating.

MooncupGoddess · 03/08/2011 16:04

Ah yes Kristina - the passive-aggressive 'sorry you're wrong and I'm right, ha ha'. Good example of 'sorry' being used to mean the exact opposite of its superficial meaning.

KristinaM · 03/08/2011 16:06

Scurry -you will be pleased to know he has already left . In fact he left the next week

The other reasons he has ASD are ( according to her) that he l oves ( but is not obsessed by ) trains, he is above 80 something percentile on all her tests, doesnt make good eye contct with her ( well that would be his squint) and he objects to her drawing on his artwork. She calls it " extending it"

Sorry for thread hijack

fastweb · 03/08/2011 16:35

I find that nearly all the children I've met through mine are appreciative and pleasant guests.

We had the opposite. A few were delightful kids. The rest, not so much.

But I think we got unlucky.

It's new here, so lots of room for misinterpretation thanks to a lack of support and guidance from "old hands", and maybe a "newbie" issue of only taking strategies off the table, rather than finding preferred alternatives to replace them.

fastweb, that's fine then in an Italian cultural context, but we are talking here about Blighty

I appreciate that, but it is a potential get around that might be workable in translation (basing reactions on tone, and the use of modals for request rather than the use of the imperative or bald statements) for the OP if she wants to find a way to make this work for the sake of the kids' friendship, while doing her best to avoid anymore phone calls.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 03/08/2011 16:49

Mmm. If the OP felt that the child had spoken in an appropriate tone, or said please when prompted, then I could see your point, but when directly challenged she just said 'I don't have to say please', which for me over-rides any potential misunderstanding or uses of tone and modals.

Original poster

Sleepglorioussleep · 03/08/2011 16:50

Thanks all, although I fell short of a meaningful discussion with the other mother, I won't be having the child round again soon. Not because of the please and thank you thing, but because we're clearly a long way different in parenting styles and I'd be nervous of what would happen if a real problem arose. And tbh, there are other children to invite who are better friend's with dh.

OP posts:

fastweb · 03/08/2011 17:01

Exactly. It wasn't just a question of please and thank you.

So an alternative to demading please and thank you is to state you don't like being ordered to do things and underline that by not fullfilling the request.

Maybe the child won't rephrase with please and thank you, but she might come out with "could\may I have a..." rather than "I want a.." if she meets a challenge to her current behavior.

That is (probably?) considered a more acceptable mode of dealing with the issue of social graces, to parents who practice NCP.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 03/08/2011 17:13

Well, I would hope the child would come out with something different but acceptable, but in this case she didn't. And the parent doesn't sound as if she were following the approach of letting her child express please and thank you differently, but that she believed that the child would eventually pick them up through example. But the fact that the child is already seven suggests that she isn't picking them up.

hester · 03/08/2011 17:13

I think I'm developing a crush on animula. I might start stalking her, just to pick up tips.

fastweb · 03/08/2011 17:20

Well, I would hope the child would come out with something different but acceptable, but in this case she didn't.

I know.

But it is one option on the table when it comes to possibly avoiding future phone calls, if the OP wants to let the kids go on having playdates in her home, but is not keen on having to just put up with being spoken to in a manner ..

a) she doesn't find pleasant\acceptable

b) doesn't want modeled as acceptable to her child.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 03/08/2011 17:27

I love animula too. Her response is one of the best posts I have ever seen!

fastweb · 03/08/2011 17:29

Her response is one of the best posts I have ever seen!

Seconded. Or thirded.

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