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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be devasted and struggling to get over this nasty wicked comment

177 replies

sunshinelifeisgood · 31/07/2011 23:50

A long story cut short. Had a great family and friends day out today at a festival. My dd and her bf came with me and my siblings were there. It was lovely. My brothers oldest friend came, I have known him since I was very small.

At the end of the evening (9.30pm) myself, daughter and her boyfriend were standing chatting wating for the taxi, brothers friend came up to me and said

Hi Susi was just thinking that if you did not have a hare lip you could of gone so much further :(.

My daughter looked at me and I laughed and said "Dont worry about it and did the woosh over the head thing, but she was furious. I had to laugh it off and said "well at least I am a nice person".

We got a cab back and to be honest I encouraged her to go stay at her bf (she is 19 ) and I came in and cried and cried. How can someone be so mean and nasty I cant get over it.
I try my very best to be nice to people, i'm not saying I am perfect but I would never deliberately be nasty to someone and that is the truth. I feel fecking gutted and humilated and guess I just wanted to talk

OP posts:
Animation · 01/08/2011 08:50

Corriefan may have hit the nail on head there.

RalphGnu · 01/08/2011 08:51

What a ridiculous, horrid, narrow-minded cockweasel! Please don't dwell on this excuse of a human any longer. You look fab!

hester · 01/08/2011 08:55

Psammead - stop with the ug business; everyone can see from your profile you're a beauty. Let's not make creepy men's work easier for them Smile

Longtalljosie · 01/08/2011 08:57

You need to let your brother know what has happened. He needs to know what sort of person he's friends with. You don't have to forgive him for this, you know. You don't have to be cool about it and pretend you don't mind. It's possible your brother might try to persuade you to do so, so he doesn't have to confront this, but if that's the case, he's being weak.

And you are very attractive. I hope despite all this, you know that.

Cattleprod · 01/08/2011 09:00

Sunshine I hope you're feeling better this morning. Definitely tell your brother what his knob end friend said to you. Does he have a history of spouting hurtful comments when drunk?

What a ridiculous comment it was anyway. How would lip and palate surgery possibly hold you back from doing anything you would have done had you been born without clefts? I have a cleft lip too and it hasn't stopped me from getting a degree, running a business and all the other things I've done in my life. Perhaps I've just been lucky, but I've never had any twatty comments about it.

Sunshine I'm sure you've heard of the CLAPA website but there is loads of support on there, and lots of people who have been through the same operations and emotions as you so it might be worth contacting some of them to talk through the issues that this one stupid comment has dragged back to the surface. It's also worth a look for anyone else who wants to find out a bit more about cleft lips and palates.

Smile
CheerfulYank · 01/08/2011 09:01

Yes, Psam is really pretty with lovely hair. Tis true. We're ALL pretty, I'd almost guarantee it. Almost every woman I know if lovely and glowing and gorgeous, and almost none of them know it.

Anyway, what a jerk. I will put him on my Slap List.

piranhamorgana · 01/08/2011 09:02

OP,so sorry you were upset by this idiot.
Agree with everyone on this thread - you look lovely.

(Not that I think it should make any difference how you look as I'm sure he's just trying to assert power ) Bot,so far,it's one "man" against 103 posters......

cyanarasamba · 01/08/2011 09:11

No advice but I think I know something of how you feel. I one had "You know, if you were to get your teeth fixed, you could look quite pretty" - from someone I had just met in a business setting.

I remember (and still feel) total shock, and the awful thought that maybe it was what everyone was thinking but they were just too polite to say.

Really, I know he was just being a c*ck.

NoJusticeJustUs · 01/08/2011 09:20

Do you know what I find most shocking about this thread ?

That you are 46 !

You are beautiful, he's a twat. Fact.

ScarlettIsWalking · 01/08/2011 09:23

What a despicable person he is op. Please don't feel bad you look great.

MittzyTheVixen · 01/08/2011 09:28

You look and sound lovely sunshine,

What a twunt for saying it, thinking it and breathing Sad.

It is hard not to let it get to you even though the posters who say it is more about the measure of the man he is than anything about you, are right.

geraldinetheluckygoat · 01/08/2011 09:35

Oh, what an absolute twat!!! I had to have plastic surgery on my face a few times growing up, and it left me looking a little bit different. I used to be really aware of it as a teenager and young adult, but now Im 35 I just don't give a fuck, frankly. These type of comments can really make you feel raw and exposed, but as Hester said, it is so much more about them than you...how sad that someone can become an adult and not realise how twattish saying something like that is? He made himself look like a total fool.

Now then, Sunshine, do not give this idot any more thought. Batallions of MNers have told you how lovely you are, I have looked at your profile and you are indeed very lovely Smile Take that from this situation, you ARE beautiful, hold your head up high and be proud. Oh, and next time you see that silly little bald man, tell him how stupid his comment made him look, in the most patronising voice you can muster.

CurrySpice · 01/08/2011 09:40

What an utter prick he sounds!

He hasn't humiliated you OP he has humiliated himself Angry He is the one who looks a fool, not you

Hope you're feeling a bit better this morning. I can so imagine how this would knock you but dust yourself off and try and believe that you are truly lovely :)

ajandjjmum · 01/08/2011 09:43

So sorry you had to deal with that twat - and as the mum of a gorgeous 19 year old DS who was born with a cleft lip and palate, I also feel for your DD.

Anyone with an ounce of intelligence knows that it's 'what's inside that counts', and my DC have been brought up to fully understand that.

Having said that - like yourself - DS has been through so much medically and emotionally, and all of these experiences have made him into a much loved person, who can use his own experience and initiative to build relationships with all sorts of people. His cleft has actually helped make him the wonderful person he is.

And I am absolutely sure the same appies to you.

I know you can't just forget it, but try and put it into perspective and think of this idiot as being the sort of person who would pick on any other physical trait, and comment without showing an atom of intelligence or empathy.

I'm sure if I'd been born with beautiful locks of auburn hair I'd have gone far! Grin

changeforthebetter · 01/08/2011 10:23

Perhaps we could have a bit of a brainstorm for witty rejoinders to twuntish comments

differentnameforthis · 01/08/2011 10:34

First of all OP, can I say as gently as possible that it is 'cleft lip'. The term Hare lip has very dated & horrible connections. And I say this as a fellow 'sufferer'.

Ring your brother & tell him, mine would have floored anyone who said anything like that to me. I would be inclined to say something like 'tell x that even if I didn't have a cleft lip, he wouldn't stand a chance with me' or some such.

He is ignorant at best. But I do get the way you feel. As you said, you think it stops after school, you credit adult humans with more sense. But there will always be fuckers like this. Don't give them the pleasure!

Kewcumber · 01/08/2011 10:35

"I feel fecking gutted and humilated" - I can quite understand you feeling gutted and I admire your self restraint in not head butting him in front of your DD. But humiliated? Absolutely not, you haven't been humiliated. What is there to humiliate? You seem to be a perfectly normal woman who doesn't have absolutely perfect airbrushed looks (like the rest of us 46 year olds! Wink) who appears to have a nice life and a lovely family. He, on the other hand, has....ummm... well one less friend for sure and possibly more depending on who overheard his comment. He humiliated himself.

mumnotmachine · 01/08/2011 10:37

Another one here who looked at profile pic- no way do you look 46, and I cant see a hare lip either!!!!

manicbmc · 01/08/2011 10:40

You don't look 46!

You could always say 'I had a harelip but you'll always be a twat' to your brother's friend.

ggirl · 01/08/2011 10:42

christ-you are beautiful!

he is a major twat!

messybedhead · 01/08/2011 11:04

How did he say it? Did he realise he had hurt your feelings?

I only ask because he might have worded himself badly and was trying to pay you a compliment?

Could he have meant that yesterday he saw a happy, confident, beautiful woman and its a shame that you were not always so happy about yourself like you are now?

I know I'm clutching at straws here but I don't want to believe that anyone can be so hurtful intentionally.

TillyTellTale · 01/08/2011 11:13

I bet he's absolutely cringing this morning, as memories seep into his consciousness. The drunken prat might even have thought he was paying a compliment at the time; unfortunately for him, they can't perform surgery to remedy his foot-in-mouth syndrome! He's going to have to carry on being a tactless turnip.

Tactless turnip this morning: "Oh my god. That wasn't what I meant to say. Oh myt god. She'sa going to hate me. So will her brother, an' all. Oh my head! It hurts so much. Where's the painkillers? Oh my god, Sunshine's gonna despise me. I can't believe I said that. I've no chance with her now. What was I thinking?"

cornsilksy · 01/08/2011 11:21

you are beautiful and he is an idiot. Can't believe you're 46!

LadyFlumpalot · 01/08/2011 14:07

Oh Sunshine! How horrible! Has he apologised?

FWIW, I'm another one that clicked on your profile and thought Wow!

I hope I look as good as you at 46, doubtful though!

My very first boyfriend once said "You should get a boob job, then you might be sexier." It burned for months, but then I decided that he had shown his true colours and I didn't need to worry about his opinion as it clearly wasn't important!

I hope you are feeling better today, and have told your brother what a complete twunt his friend was!

MilaMae · 01/08/2011 14:50

What an arse,I just looked on your profile and wished I was as half as pretty.God knows what he'd think of haggard old me then Shock.

I had no idea people could be so nasty and actually think like this,they must be in the minority and best to be avoided at all costs.

Im really shocked.

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