To chuffing LOVE that on certain threads people always say stuff like

[Dogsby]

" what starter shall i have" - anti pasto

and any sodding thread on madeleine maccann some sour mouthed tosser puts " ooh no one calls her maddie in hter family" like it really MATTERS fgs.

what predicatable posts make you nuts?

Snort at "Orthodontic high heels".

Orthopaedic...

Any dog thread:

Staffies are/aren't dangerous! [Anecdote commences...]

Mildly disagrees with OP followed by

Bumsex far less prevalent on here these days, thank God.

Toilet brush threads.

At least 50 precious precious princesses will go "ewwwwwwwwwww eww eww" and another 50 will say "boak" about 100 times before someone normal has the courage to pipe up and say, "yes, we have one, to clean shit off the toilet with".

The princesses will ask why they don't just use 100,000 cubic meters of bleach every week instead of simply brushing off the shit, the owner of the fetid, evil toilet brush will try and come back all superior by saying that that would just bleach the colour out the shit and not actually remove the shit, so in an effort to regain superiority at least 10 of the princesses will ask in a passive agressive manner what the toilet brush owner actually eats that their shit actually leaves a mark on the toilet, as theirs is clearly made of Teflon?

Then the owner of the toilet brush will go and buy some Fibogel and take the toilet brush and go outside and whip themselves with it for being so abnormal and disgusting.

I thought it was just me.

I love the Baby names threads where people say, right we have it down to the last four, can I have your opinion? After a post or two, people come up with another list of names that they prefer... makes me laugh every time.

"You're all wrong! I WASN'T being unreasonable! You're a bunch of bullies."

I feel like you have all read my mind

Ha ha - Tatty that is brilliant.

"I can't believe you asked your dc how their day at school was, helicopter parenting at it's worst. I have 3 dc, I have never seen the need to ask them anything, they are totally self-sufficient and unbelievably happy, when you have been a parent as long as I have you will realize that I am right."

Tatty- similar to the 'How many times a week do you shower?' threads where anything less than showering four times a day in dettol is met with revulsion.

Any thread in relationships where the OP is describing twattish and violent behaviour of her DH/DP. Always, always there will be a paragraph where she says "but he's a great dad".

"Judgey pants" (we're not on MN for the good of our souls, are we?)
"You've only seen a snapshot out of her day" (yes, and she was belting her toddler with a garden hose in it)

Pet threads in which people get told they're cruel if they're not treating pet as part of the family, with the same rights as any other...

I didn't know that being the owner of a bog brush was such a MN faux pas until last night.

People are just bloody weird, aren't they? There will be a faction on MN who find everything simply revolting. "You mean you don't vacuum your floor afterwards every time your child has eaten a snack? Eugh." "What do you mean you only wash your bath towels thrice a week? Putrid woman. I do mine after each shower, do you know what hotbeds for germery a bath towel is?" etc.

Is that all you have to worry about - I've got 10 children to feed on 50p this week you know.

And on S&B - the 'how much!!!' to anything costing above 50p.

Oh and the 'I'm too busy playing with my children to do houswork or ironing' [polishes halo]

Not too busy to mn though

'Why have a baby if you're not going to look after them?' Cue a minimum of 500 more posts!

Or the helpful advice for sleep-deprived, insecure, going slightly derranged new mums:

'My baby wont stop crying/won't stop feeding/won't sleep - help?
Wear them in a sling 24/7, your baby NEEDS YOU! Its such a wonderful time!'

'This too will pass' - fuck off!

"How can my neighbour afford [a bicycle for the children/a Wii/bellybutton piercing]? I can't afford that and I have a good job! I'm going to resign and live on benefits now."

I also love the "my MIL just gave DS an M+M the bitch. He's only 12 - I wanted him to be in full time employment and married before he tasted chocolate. He normally snacks on fruit and carob".
and everyone comes on with "YANBU - I can't believe she's giving him such junk, poor dear. He's going to end up obese and ALONE"

I really did have to wear high heels on medical advice.

Well, what really happened was that I was seen by an orthopaedic surgeon for a severe and persistent pain in my heel which actually turned out to be a real syndrome suffered mostly by sporty boys (don't know how I got it).

He said I could try wearing a raised heel which being 13 I interpreted as nothing less than 4ins. Had a note for school and everything.

If this is all you have to worry about you are extremely lucky.

"You've only seen a snapshot out of her day" (yes, and she was belting her toddler with a garden hose in it)"

Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

"You bring in £17k and you say you can't afford a 3 bed house? I raise 9 children on tuppence ha'penny and we still have enough for the savings jar at the end of every month."

It hacks me off when you get the patronising "This threads already been done." Oh, sorry, am I supposed to do a search of every thread ever put on mumsnet to make sure mine is all new and sparkly?!?

Grrrrr